Solstice, rhyme Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Solstice

Revised and many thanks for help on rhythm Daniel, Alan

Come, climb dizzy, heated summer heights,
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
hushed breaths waft wings of butterflies.

Sweet zenith pleasures promise bliss
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
damp-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.

© Toumai, 2005

Original S1 L4
secret breaths waft wings of butterflies.
Original last line:
fern-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.

I hoped to get some measure of rhythm, too, but I am not sure if it is okay, so all comments/crits greatfully received. Thanks.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

I don't know if I'll have any suggestions later but for now I just want to admire this wonderful poem - what a celebration of the Summer Solstice.

This is probably the most celebratory, joyful poem I've seen of yours. You must have had a happy day dreamily lazing in the garden, methinks, to have written this.

Very well done,

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Sorry, I can't really help you much on rhythm, I don't have any.  This is a very apt poem for a hot mid-summer's evening.

sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
I love this line

Just a couple of comments on verse 2
{delete}

Sweat zenith pleasures promise bliss ..do you mean sweat or sweet?
as bees sip dew{e}y, petalled deeps;
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
fern-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.
I don't really understand what you are describing in L3 or how L4 links with the previous, probably me being dozy as usual.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

I'm glad you enjoyed this

what a celebration of the Summer Solstice.

It doesn't necessarily relate to the solstice, but today was a wonderful summer day, and happened to coincide: so I gave it that title as it does sound celebratory.

This is probably the most celebratory, joyful poem I've seen of yours. You must have had a happy day dreamily lazing in the garden, methinks, to have written this.

Thank you. I love being outside and it was a beautiful day.

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Sorry, I can't really help you much on rhythm, I don't have any.

Well, in that case you manage to use it wonderfully well  :)

This is a very apt poem for a hot mid-summer's evening.

Thank you

Sweat zenith pleasures promise bliss ..do you mean sweat or sweet?
Oops. My dreadful spelling strikes again. Thanks. Corrected.

as bees sip dew{e}y, petalled deeps;
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
fern-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.

DewEy ... is that the library classification spelling? Oops x 2. Thanks.

I don't really understand what you are describing in L3 or how L4 links with the previous, probably me being dozy as usual.

Erm ... if I said that I'd contemplated posting this in the Sanctuary, would that help?

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

DewEy ... is that the library classification spelling?
yes, I thought for a minute I was back at work,  :grinning:

Erm ... if I said that I'd contemplated posting this in the Sanctuary, would that help?
OK, I think I catch your drift now, thanks - perhaps sweat was the right word after all

I'm glad you enjoyed your day outside, lucky you.  I have been stuck indoors throughout most of this lovely weather.

Nina

[JustDaniel]

Solstice

Come, climb dizzy, heated summer heights,
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
[ I also love this line, but I might suggest...
sun-soaked days melt dream-drenched nights;
'drowned' to me both does not flow smoothly, and I'm not sure of the uncomfortable picture it related to me ?]
secret breaths waft wings of butterflies.

Sweet zenith pleasures promise bliss
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
[ not sure I get this line ? ]
fern-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.

© Toumai, 2005

I hoped to get some measure of rhythm, too, but I am not sure if it is okay, so all comments/crits greatfully received. Thanks.

I'm not sure of the rhythm you wanted, since I have a hard time doing rhythm without knowing what pattern you're intending to follow ?  But I hope you know that I like the read!

jest to sum 'er up Lightly, Daniel  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Daniel, and thanks for the welcome comments.

I'm not sure of the rhythm you wanted, since I have a hard time doing rhythm without knowing what pattern you're intending to follow ?  But I hope you know that I like the read!

Thank you very much.
I am not after any given 'form' or formal meter, but I was remembering that there are words that flow with their rhythms - I've seen Jgd and Alan and others use / - / - to show the emphasis. So I hoped this 'felt' and 'flowed' okay ... sorry - not very helpful: I shall have to get reading on the subject.

I also love this line, but I might suggest...
sun-soaked days melt dream-drenched nights;
'drowned' to me both does not flow smoothly, and I'm not sure of the uncomfortable picture it related to me ?

The uncomfortable picture is deliberate: the dark, unpleasant days of winter misery are melted by the bright sunlight summer. So I will keep 'drowned' although it is a tad awkward - it grabs the attention for that reason. I am tempted by 'sun-soaked' as it is so nicely alliterative, still watery, and no more cliched than sun-drenched ... thanks. On the other hand, 'drenched' and 'days' fit together nicely ...

cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
[ not sure I get this line ? ]

Erm ... I was imaginging a little mountain stream, sparkling in the sunlight and cascading into a cool pool at the base of the heights ... also a metaphor for passion.

Daniel, thanks for the ideas and suggestions.

Fran

[JustDaniel]

Solstice

Come, climb dizzy, heated summer heights,
/-/-/-/-/
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
-/-/-/-/
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
/-/-///
secret breaths waft wings of butterflies.
/-/-/-/-/

Sweet zenith pleasures promise bliss
//-/-/-/
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;
-/-/-/-/
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
/-/-/-/
damp-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.
//-/-/-/
© Toumai, 2005

Original last line:
fern-dappled dells where Magic sleeps

I hoped to get some measure of rhythm, too, but I am not sure if it is okay, so all comments/crits greatfully received. Thanks.

Well, here's how it moves, in a rather irregular pattern.

Not sure if that helps any, but there it is, though a couple of lines might be scanned slightly differently.

It's merely my opinion, but rhymed pieces feel more flowing to me when the meter has a pattern that the rhyme kind of makes me look for.

I still like the poem, whatever you do with it.

Lightly, Daniel  :dance:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi, Daniel,

Thank you so much for that. I think I can see the pattern, and what you mean. That is incredibly helpful.  :cheer:

And I'm deLighted you like it  :)

Fran

[Guest__*]

Dear Fran,

I've taken Daniel's rthym analysis, and tried to amend your wording to achieve a uniform ba-DUM of 8 sylls each line.

Whether I have managed to retain your meanings is another matter - so feel free to drown any or all of my suggestions !

I must say also that the er-hmm meaning of the last 2 lines was totally hidden from me, without your explanation. I don't know if I have managed to mask this a little more graphic ? Perhaps even more explicitness is needed ?

Love
Alan

Come, climb dizzy, heated summer heights, -- del come ?
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights; -- dream-sown would improve rythym, start with and ?
secret breaths waft wings of butterflies. -- hushed ? for rythym

Sweet zenith pleasures promise bliss -- The zenith's ?
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss; -- yon cascade ?
damp-dappled dells where Magic sleeps. -- those dappled ... ?

Climb dizzy, heated summer heights,
-/-/-/-/ = 8
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
-/-/-/-/ = 8
and sun-drenched days melt dream-sown nights;
-/-/-/-/ = 8
hushed breaths waft wings of butterflies.
-/-/-/-/ = 8

The zenith's pleasures promise bliss
-/-/-/-/ = 8
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;
-/-/-/-/ = 8
yon cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
-/-/-/-/ = 8
those dappled dells where Magic sleeps.
-/-/-/-/ = 8

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Alan,

Thank you so much for all that effort. The light is beginning to dawn as far as cadence and rhythm is concerned. It really helps to have something of my own explained in BAdums by experts like yourself and Daniel.

My original version:

Come, climb dizzy, heated summer heights,
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
secret breaths waft wings of butterflies.

Sweet zenith pleasures promise bliss
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;
cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
damp-dappled dells where Magic sleeps.


Your version (8 syl per line, metered):

Climb dizzy, heated summer heights,
while eagles soar through lapis skies;
and sun-drenched days melt dream-sown nights;
hushed breaths waft wings of butterflies.

The zenith's pleasures promise bliss
as bees sip dewy, petalled deeps;8
yon cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
those dappled dells where Magic sleeps.


I printed the two versions out (unlabelled) and read and re-read them. I then gave them to a guinea pig reader (my poor fella - scientist to the core) and said, what do you think; which is the 'stronger' poem? He read and re-read them and then said the second flows better but the first somehow has more 'umph'. But, he added, 'hushed' is better than 'secret'.

My own inclinations follow that, too (including the 'hushed' ), but I was surprised he agreed. I think that perhaps I am too much of a poetry rebel to ever stick to a rigid meter: breaking my own rhythm forces attention (or irritation? ).

However, I really do owe you and Daniel a huge debt: cos now I know what 'rules' I am breaking ...  :)  

(Oh, and if I take out the first word, my biggest clue as to the underlying meaning vanishes )

Love,

Fran

[Guest__*]

Dear Fran,

Well, thank you for taking so much note ! AND for anticipating the next vital lesson - that you can, perhaps MUST, break the rules, and that this does snap attention !

There is one line where the breakdown of meter is a real tongue twister :

cascade quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;

solved by the insertion of "is" !

cascade is quenched in plunge pool’s kiss;
  -   /    -      /        -     /       -       /              !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Alan,

Thank you  :cheer:  :dance:  :pharoah2

Love,

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

(Oh, and if I take out the first word, my biggest clue as to the underlying meaning vanishes )

I have to say that your clue passed completely over my head on this poem, I didn't get your underlying meaning at all till you spelled it out to me, it is so subtle.

Nina

[Cybele]

Good morning Fran,  

What a lovely picture you paint here.    I know how you feel, I have many days sitting in the garden with my eyes closed, feeling exactly as you do in this poem.  

I had only one thought Fran..

sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;

I couldn't see how the sun could melt something which was not frozen.

To keep and enhance the alliteration could I suggest


Sun-soaked days air dream-drowned nights ?

Thank you for the lovely read.  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hello, Grace  :rainbow:

I am so glad you liked my summer description. I cannot believe it was so recently written as the last few days have been so horribly cold and wet again.  

I had only one thought Fran..
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
I couldn't see how the sun could melt something which was not frozen.

chocolate? butter?  :sun:

To keep and enhance the alliteration could I suggest
Sun-soaked days air dream-drowned nights ?

I quite see your point, Grace. Hmm ... will think on't but at the moment I'm inclined to stick with my chocolatey dreams

Thanks so much for the comments, though.

Hugs,

Fran

[Cybele]

Hi Fran,  

I had only one thought Fran..
sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
I couldn't see how the sun could melt something which was not frozen.

chocolate? butter?  

Oops!    Sorry Fran, I thought you were talking about the nights, not the dreams per se. I took the meaning to be nights awash with dreams.

Wish I could dream of cheese ~ maybe then the longing would be sated by morning and I could shed a few pounds!   ???

Ben Gunn has nothing on me!!  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Oh dear, Grace, I was being silly (bad habit). Yes, the poem is implying the nights were awash with derams, you were absolutely right. But as the whole is a mataphor (is that the right term? - I get confused! ) can I stretch it a bit and allow the dreams to melt even though they are sloshing about in the first place? Maybe not ... so perhaps I need to put my thinking cap on and go out intot he rain for a bit ...  :turtle:  
Fran

[Cybele]

My dear Fran,

Oh dear, Grace, I was being silly (bad habit). Yes, the poem is implying the nights were awash with derams, you were absolutely right. But as the whole is a mataphor (is that the right term? - I get confused! )

As my darling Ralph would say " Pardum?? "    ???  

..can I stretch it a bit and allow the dreams to melt even though they are sloshing about in the first place? Maybe not ... so perhaps I need to put my thinking cap on and go out intot he rain for a bit

In the words of Del Boy 'the world is your lobster Fran'.

Hmm, Moving right along...

I would call your lovely poem more of an allegory, but what does it really meta, phor it's a good one wot you wrote. (Bet I can be sillier than you. But then I have had years more practise! )