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ohsteve
If you wish to ride, ride a white horse,
ride out with me it’s a hard, hard course.
Tougher men have failed to keep the promise given,
through trails of blood and guts and cities riven.

Ride out with me it’s a hard, hard course,
robbers all are we, and called even worse.
We rode through the crusades, the Roses war,
we go further back but who wants to remember more.

Tougher men have failed to keep the promise given,
they grew weak as they saw the life they would be living.
We reap the sorrows and are cursed by all,
but those we take are thankful they heard our call.

Through trails of blood and guts and cities riven,
to ride the white horse remains a job that’s given.
Lord forgives us every day for the souls we take
and send His way, we ride the pale horse for His sake.




Nina
Hi Steve

I very much like this pantoum, the lines flow very well and fit together wonderfully so that the form disappears.

There is a wonderful irony here on the reasons and justification for fighting and killing.  I really love the following line:

but those we take are thankful they heard our call.

and the bizarre logic of your last line is still sadly terribly relevant today especially among the Muslim fundamentalists.

Lord forgives us every day for the souls we take
and send His way, we ride the pale horse for His sake.



Just one nit

Tougher men have failed to keep the promise given,
they grew weak as the[y] saw the life they would be living.


Thanks for the read

Nina
ohsteve
Nina... thanks for the catch and for reading and enjoying the poem which came to me new years eve just before midnight while trying to listen to a song, and the only words I could hear were 'ride a white horse;... just goes to show insperation comes at unexpected times.
Steve
Don
Is the white horse a possible reference to Biblical book of revelations.  If remembered correctly, it was the color horse most terrrible.

I like your idea that those riding the white horse are chosen rather than volunteer.

Don
ohsteve
Don from my reading the white  or pale horse is almost always associated with death and is on of thr four horsemen of the apocylpse.... I chose to try impling that death has many helpers and yes they are chosen but chosen from volunteers.....and some chosen still can't take the horror. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Steve
Merlin
Hi Steve,

Top marks for trying, but this doesn't hold true to the pantoum form.  I recognize that you've said it was a pantoum - try.

I'm not a religious person, so I fall short in that department.  Of course, I've heard of the 4 horsemen.  Most often I disqualify myself from commenting, as it isn't my area of knowledge.

After reading yours, I decided to attempt a pantoum again myself.  There was a time I was hooked on them, but a very short time only.  They can be fun, and I hope you'll enjoy mine.

Keep at it - it's worth the ride!

Merlin
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Steve.  :StarWars4:

I have not yet tried a Pantoum so I congratulate to you for your attempt with this form. claps.gif I have googled the params and here is what I found at Wiki: It tends to follow a standard rhyme form of ABAB. In your poem, you have used and AABB rhyme scheme and not the ABAB as described.

Pantoum params for Stanza 1:
Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4

for Stanza 2:
Line 5 (repeat of line 2 in stanza 1)
Line 6 (new line)
Line 7 (repeat of line 4 in stanza 1)
Line 8 (new line)

For Stanza 3 or Last Stanza (This is the format for the last stanza regardless of how many preceding stanzas exist):
Line 9 (line 2 of the previous stanza)
Line 10 (line 3 of the first stanza)
Line 11 (line 4 of the previous stanza)
Line 12 (line 1 of the first stanza)


Before I get into a crit of this specific form - I've noted some adjustments:

Putting aside the ABAB requirement, we would re-structure your S2 as:
Ride out with me it’s a hard, hard course,
robbers all are we, and called even worse.
Through trails of blood and guts and cities riven
they grew weak as they saw the life they would be living.

and your closing stanza would read:

The closing stanza would read:
They grew weak as they saw the life they would be living
Tougher men have failed to keep the promise given,
but those we take are thankful they heard our call
If you wish to ride, ride a white horse.


I know you posted the attempt so I am going to just crit the poem without any params in mind.
I have made some word changes so please toss these ideas as you wish. I have more ideas, but will await your feedback first before adding to this one.

[add] {delete}

If you wish to ride, ride a white horse,
ride out with me[;] it’s a hard, hard course.
Tougher men have failed to keep the promise {given} [set],
through trails of blood and guts[,] and {cities riven} [warring threat].

Ride out with me it’s a hard, hard course,
robbers all are we, and {called} [something] even worse.
We rode through the crusades, the Roses war,
we go further back {but who} [for those who] {wants to} remember more.

Tougher men have failed to keep the promise {given} [set],
they grew weak[,] {as they saw} [seeing] the life they would {be living} [get].
We reap the sorrows and are cursed by all,
but those we take are thankful they heard our call.

Through trails of blood and guts and {cities riven} [warring threat],
to ride the white horse remains a job {that’s given} [that must and yet]{.}
Lord forgives us every day for the souls we take
and send His way, we ride the pale horse for His sake.


Regards
Cleo  :pharoah:
ohsteve
Cleo I appriciate the critique will come back when i am not so tired to haggle with the lines....
Cyn
You are very close with this Steve, so don't give up on it.

I recently wrote a Pantoum as well (I seem to want to try them all anyway) which I will post probably in a few days since I just posted. They are not easy
I also wrote some triolets and a Luc Bac (which is the one I just posted which is the most difficult form I have tried to date)

Like I said I am having fun with R&M, as Daniel pointed out to me, my usual poems, although FV often have a rhythm to them so this should enhance my FV writing. We shall see I guess. Meantime, I am enjoying reading and writing metered verse.

Keep at it Steve.
Cyn
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