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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
ohsteve
Foot prints, melted exclamation marks,
lead up the path to my entry.
Inside wet boots rimed with salt sit dripping,
coat and scarf tossed carelessly at the rack.
Clothes strewn about  from there
to the bath where the shower’s steam
seeps out around the partially closed door.
I wonder when you’ll realize this is no longer home?




Nina
Hi Steve

An intriguing poem.  I haven't quite decided yet whether this is about a partner who the narrator is separated from or a grown-up child moved away from home who keeps coming back for the comforts of home (and to get the washing done and a free meal)

Nina
circumsolar
intriguing indeedy, ohsteve, and either of Nina's interpretations could be the right one but, until you say otherwise, i shall infer from this that he's a drowned sailor who doesn't quite realise he's dead yet and keeps making his way back 'home' to that place he felt he should be at the end of a long voyage. Of course, this could be even more obscure and allude to 'the Mariner' (or whatever that really old poem's called) and its author...

what i did especially like was your footprints in the snow and their effect - like exclamation marks announcing 'I'm here!'. That and the gentleness of your final lines:

"I wonder when you’ll realize this is no longer home?"




Cathy
Hi Steve,

This could easily lead the imagination astray ... in many different directions.  I especially like circumsolar's take on it.

Foot prints, melted exclamation marks, Good line!
lead up the path to the door. I don't like 'the' used so close together.  Personal preference I guess.  What about ... 'lead up the path to my door'?
Inside[,] wet boots rimed with salt sit dripping,
coat and scarf tossed carelessly at the rack.
Clothes strewn {on the floor}[about] from there
to the bath where {the} shower{’s} steam
seeps out around the partially closed door.
I wonder when you’ll realize this is no longer home? Great last line!

To read ...

Foot prints, melted exclamation marks,
lead up the path to my door.
Inside, wet boots rimed with salt sit dripping,
coat and scarf tossed carelessly at the rack.
Clothes strewn about from there
to the bath where shower steam
seeps out around the partially closed door.
I wonder when you’ll realize this is no longer home?


Cathy
ohsteve
Thanks Nina, circum solar, and Cathy,,,, I liked what you trimed and add cathy it tighten and trimed but didnt change the perspective of the poem so your version wins,,,you get a free thank you from me...lol  Thanks to all for the critique and the kind comments.  Ps as I told circum sollor it was about an ex husband comming home and finding his wife had forgotten the divorce and came in and just went and took a shower...the ex takes this very well I might ad....lol.
Steve
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Steve.

I've jotted some ideas down for you. Please let me know your thoughts.

Cheers
Lori  :pharoah:

Foot prints (Footprints – one word), melted exclamation marks,
lead up the path to the {door} [entry].

I offer entry since you use ‘door’ again later in the poem.

Inside[,] wet boots {rimed} [rimmed] with salt sit dripping,
coat and scarf tossed carelessly at the rack.
Clothes strewn on the floor from there
to the bath where the shower’s steam
seeps out around the partially closed door.

(suggest: Strewn clothing lines a path to the bath,
where vapors seeps out,
escaping through a partially closed door.)


I wonder when you’ll realize this is no longer home?
ohsteve
Lori..... rime is a sort of salt incrustation so rimed would be where it was located...  not rimmed... the rest has been changed some already any more changes and it wouldn't be my poem any more it would be someone elses, just my two cents.... lol.
circumsolar
ookay stevie boy, gotta ask - and ty for your explanation about this one's interpretation  - but with your reasoning behind this, where does the 'rime' come into it? that's what sent me off on mariners and drownings at sea and the such? now i'm having to stretch and wonder if it means the salt laid down over snow to clear roads and pathways ---- help!
Cyn
I like rimed
ohsteve
circumsolar, cyn, cleo ,nina jox... any one from a climate that gets lots of snow realizes how much salt is used to help melt that snow on the roads and side walks so the boots would be rimed with salt from just walking down the sidewalk or across the street... I hope this helps maybe i should not try to be so subtle in my poetry....LOL....
Steve
PS Circumsolar  please do not call me Stevie..steveo ohsteve or just steve or stephen... the only person that ever got away with calling me stevie was my grandmother and she has been dead for a number of years..... Thanks I appriciate it.
Steve




circumsolar
no offence intended ohsteve. from now on i shall be ohsoproper

thanks for clearing up the salty issue
ohsteve
no big problem circumsolar just when someone says stevie,  i go looking for a blind black man that sings,,,,,Stevie Wonder or fleetwoood macs  Stevie Nicks....or stevie ray vuaghn ... Steve is just fine thanks...
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