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Billydo
Christmas Surprise

Imagine me poised for diurnal attack,
like a raptor who preys on hard shells;
a clam to crack on a rock with a whack,
'cause the deal is, the first peal of bells

on Christmas Day means that I must amaze,
with a gift that you could not conceive,
but I don't have a clue; I haven't for days
and the truth is, you wouldn't believe -

I've picked through your words like a tramp in a bin;
your mumbles at night for some sign:
each phrase a cadaver so painfully thin -
with no glint of a hint - there's just nine

days to shop, and I should 'til I've flopped
for gifts to ensure that you gasp;
but I've scavenged, pecked, and even eavesdropped,
and I'm stumped, so damn, I'll just ask.

Version 1 ... corrected ... ta James
Christmas Surprise

Imagine me poised for diurnal attack,
like a raptor who preys on hard shells;
a clam to crack on a rock with a whack,
'cause the deal is, the first peel of bells

on Christmas Day means that I must amaze,
with a gift that you could not conceive,
but I don't have a clue, I haven't for days,
and the truth is, you wouldn't believe -

I've picked through your words like a tramp in a bin,
your mumbles at night for some sign,
each phrase a cadaver so painfully thin,
with no glint of a hint - There's just nine

days to shop, and I should 'till I've flopped,
for gifts to ensure that you gasp,
but I've scavenged, pecked, and even eavesdropped,
and I'm stumped, so damn, I'll just ask.




Nina
Hi Mike

Instead of asking you should show her the poem, she won't think twice about telling you and will do so with a smile on her face.  She won't care that it isn't a surprise, the poem will more than make up for it.  Besides then she'll also receive the present she wants rather than what you think she wants.

I love the image of you as a raptor lying in wait for the merest hint of a clue, lying in wait while she sleeps, hoping she'll reveal something in her dreams.

Thanks for the read

Nina
Jox
Hi Mike,

Suggestions: {-}[+] (Comments)

Christmas Surprise (A clever, somewhat ironic title)

Imagine me poised for diurnal attack,
like a raptor who preys on hard shells;
a clam to crack on a rock with a whack,
'cause the deal is, the first peel of bells (Sorry, don't understand this line?)

{on} Christmas Day means that I must amaze,
with a gift that you could not conceive,
but I don't have a clue{,}[;] I haven't for days{,}
and the truth is, you wouldn't believe -

I've picked through your words[,] like a tramp in a bin{,}[;]
your mumbles at night for some sign{,}[:]
each phrase a cadaver[,] so painfully thin{,}[-]
with no glint of a hint - {T}[t]here's just nine (this end puzzles me - why split the verse?) ("glint of a hint" amusing!)

days to shop{,} and I should {'}till I've flopped{,} (until or 'til or till)
for gifts to ensure that you gasp{,}[;]
but I've scavenged, pecked, and even eavesdropped,
and I'm stumped, so damn, I'll just ask.

Thanks for the read Mike. I don't know about the R&M but I found some of the punctuation needed attention and a few bits seemed unusually (for you) forced - especially that "nine" ending to a verse. Still, this is am amusing poem with some lovely (and not-so-lovely) images. Well done.

J.
Billydo
Hi Nina

Thanks. I did tell her and she laughed. I now have a list. Yippee!

Cheers

Mike
Billydo
Hi James

I wrote this in a bit of a hurry. Thanks for the spelling corrections.


Hi Mike,

Suggestions: {-}[+] (Comments)

Christmas Surprise (A clever, somewhat ironic title)
Ta!

Imagine me poised for diurnal attack,
like a raptor who preys on hard shells;
a clam to crack on a rock with a whack,
'cause the deal is, the first peel of bells (Sorry, don't understand this line?)
I have corrected this ... it should read 'the first peal of bells on Christmas Day ...
I did wonder about keeping the typo in as a pun.


{on} Christmas Day means that I must amaze,
with a gift that you could not conceive,
but I don't have a clue{,}[;] I haven't for days{,}
and the truth is, you wouldn't believe -

I've picked through your words[,] like a tramp in a bin{,}[;]
your mumbles at night for some sign{,}[:]
each phrase a cadaver[,] so painfully thin{,}[-]
with no glint of a hint - {T}[t]here's just nine (this end puzzles me - why split the verse?) ("glint of a hint" amusing!)

days to shop{,} and I should {'}till I've flopped{,} (until or 'til or till)
for gifts to ensure that you gasp{,}[;]
but I've scavenged, pecked, and even eavesdropped,
and I'm stumped, so damn, I'll just ask.

Thanks for the read Mike. I don't know about the R&M but I found some of the punctuation needed attention and a few bits seemed unusually (for you) forced - especially that "nine" ending to a verse. Still, this is am amusing poem with some lovely (and not-so-lovely) images. Well done.

J.
Thanks James. The intention was to use enjambement to make the reader breathless.

Appreciated.

Ta!

Mike




Jox
Hi Mike,

>M> The intention was to use enjambment to make the reader breathless

OK, sorry, my fault then, I read this as a rather pleasant Crimble problem and, as I usually write my Crimble cards no earlier than Boxing Day, I never feel rushed at Crimble. So my interpretation was just to slow it down and stroll through! (See readers - awkward ****!)

Cheers, J.




circumsolar
Billydo i'll be back - this one's great! laugh.gif
Billydo
No worries James.

Just glad to get reviewed. I have read this back many times now and can see the darker elements therein. A bit gothic.

Cheers

Mike
Jox
Hi Mike,

You have very dark elements underlining much of your poetry. I think that is what make it so spiky - one reads it looking for the dangerous pitfalls and  nasties (like on some train journey which starts off reasonably enough but encounters some horrifying Tunnels). Your poems have that degree of excitement which many others don't. So, yes I certainly take the dark underside (one has to with the word "cadaver" in a poem about selecting Crimble pressies!)

But, on the surface I was happy to read this as a pressie-choosing exercise. When we can't decide we just leave it. Bought each other Crimble pressies in July before - when we see something interesting. But we are very strange - maybe we would fit in with the poem, after all?

Enjoyed, thanks.

Cheers, J.
jgdittier
Dear Billydo,
An interesting thought put to verse!
Thanks too as I added to my vacabulary Crimble and pressies, words I've not met in my 73 years.
Cheers,    Ron  jgd
Cathy
Hi Mike,

I got a chuckle out of reading this.  The things we can write about!  lol
Your rhythm and rhyme are very smooth and natural.  I have no crit, just praise!

Cathy Snowflake.gif
Toumai
LOL.gif

Fabulous stuff, Mike. My husband always asks ... not sure if that means hes given up, or I don't talk in my sleep   Reindeer.gif

This is such original festive fare; love the opening with all the sharp cracking consonants and the raptor (very "walking with Christmas Shoppers," lol).

Seasons Greetings - cheers!

Fran




circumsolar
this is just great! all of it, but especially verses 1 and 3, enjambement a clever tool when used wisely as in this instance. cor blimey, guv, i tip me 'at to yer   Wizard.gif



Billydo
Thanks everybody. I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

Cheers

Mike
jgdittier
Dear Billydo,
I'm also a writer of light verse and so find "Christmas Surprise" an unexpected perfect Christmas present. "Crimmins pressie" fer sur!
I like the quaint similies you've included, the clam cracked on the rocks and the tramp foraging in the bin. I can see them on my eyelids.I like the ingenious internal rhymes and the way you've provided end-rhymes in mid sentance and between quatrains. (As one who promotes "rhythm over all", I prefer short, choppy lines but like your enjambment here better after you explained your thoughts.
I like your image of the thin cadaver. Unique in poetry!
I liked too the way your delivery forced your readers to reread to extract your meanings. Don't we all take joy when the reader is willing to reread our work!
The finishing touch also is the strong ending. What appears as one reads to be a frustrating problem is solved in a simple manly way.
With the fine help you've had with the punctuation, surely this one's a keeper.
Cheers,    jgd
Billydo
Thanks jdg

Fact is, it's all true.

In the end, I showed her the poem and she laughed so much ... she made me a list.

Cheers

Mike
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