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Nina
Clockwork Doll

Clockwork doll
with painted smile;
turn the key -
wind her up.

Make her dance
to your chosen tune;
sit and watch
her perform for you.

Over and over
repeated show,
till mechanical motions
wear her down.

Something snaps:
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,
vacant shell.




Toumai
Hi Nina

Excellent metaphor for control. Of course, it can be either sex that is wound up to dance to the tune but it works particularly well for the doll image. Very concise and grim.

Clockwork doll
with painted smile;  --- chilling
turn the key -
wind her up.

Make her dance
to your chosen tune;
sit and watch
her perform for you.  --- do you need the "for you"? often the powerful control likes to show-off his power to others?

Over and over
repeated show,
till mechanical motions
wear her down.  --- grind her down ?

Something snaps --- punctuation? (colon or semi-c ?)
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,
empty shell.  --- (and you could link into Cathy's latest there) Hide.gif

Fran
Jox
Hi Nina,

Suggestions: [+]{-}(comments)

"Clockwork Doll

Fair or otherwise, the title immediatly makes me think of "A Clockwork Orange" with all its bizarre violence etc.

Clockwork doll
with painted smile; (V good)
turn the key -
wind her up. (Clever word-play)

Make her dance
to your {chosen} tune; (That does leave this line more cliche but "chosen" is unnecessary...)
sit {and}[to] watch ("X and Y" is almost always incorrect, despite being said often. The person it sitting to watch her; they are not unassociated things as "and" suggests).
her perform for you.

Over and over
repeated show, (V clever)
till mechanical motions (More clever still)
wear her down.

Something snaps
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,
empty shell. (cliche)

(I felt this verse was important but might be said a little better? Maybe just differently)

Suggestion:

She snaps!
She'll work no more -
lifeless, silent
dead doll.

Or:

She snaps!
She'll work no more -
lifeless, silent
no living dolll.

Thanks Nina - very good. Depressing (esp after reading GL's poem) but very good.

J.
Nina
Hi Fran

>F>Excellent metaphor for control. Of course, it can be either sex that is wound up to dance to the tune but it works particularly well for the doll image. Very concise and grim.

Thank you.  Indeed you are right, either sex can be wound up to dance the tune and the doll could be male or female.

Make her dance
to your chosen tune;
sit and watch
her perform for you.  --- do you need the "for you"? often the powerful control likes to show-off his power to others?


I think in this instance I'll keep for you in because even if the person controlling is showing of his power to others, he still wants the "doll" to perform for him not others.

Over and over
repeated show,
till mechanical motions
wear her down.  --- grind her down ?


again I think I'll stay with wear her down.

Something snaps --- punctuation? (colon or semi-c ?)
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,


Thanks, it needs a colon, somehow I overlooked it.

>F>empty shell.  --- (and you could link into Cathy's latest there)

LOL, I guess it could.  A cheerful bunch of poems posted today  :)

Nina
Nina
Hi J

Suggestions: [+]{-}(comments)

"Clockwork Doll
>F>Fair or otherwise, the title immediatly makes me think of "A Clockwork Orange" with all its bizarre violence etc.

ah well I've never seen A Clockwork Orange.  I did however have a picture in my head from the scene in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang where the family are pretending to be clockwork toys.

Clockwork doll
with painted smile; (V good)
turn the key -
wind her up. (Clever word-play)


thank you

Make her dance
to your {chosen} tune; (That does leave this line more cliche but "chosen" is unnecessary...)

can I get away with the cliche then?

sit {and}[to] watch ("X and Y" is almost always incorrect, despite being said often. The person it sitting to watch her; they are not unassociated things as "and" suggests).

Urmm, I'm not convinced. Plus it doesn't sound right.


Over and over
repeated show, (V clever)
till mechanical motions (More clever still)
wear her down.


thanks again

Something snaps
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,
empty shell. (cliche)

(I felt this verse was important but might be said a little better? Maybe just differently)

Suggestion:

She snaps!
She'll work no more -
lifeless, silent
dead doll.

Or:

She snaps!
She'll work no more -
lifeless, silent
no living dolll.


Thanks for the suggestions but I'm not keen on she beginning the first line and the second.

I also wanted a sense of emptiness rather than death as in dead doll.  No living doll just reminds me of the Cliff Richard song.  Woudl replacing shell with husk be less of a cliche?

>J>Thanks Nina - very good. Depressing (esp after reading GL's poem) but very good.

Sorry about that.  Mind you, not much could be more depressing or harder to read than GL's poem.  It didn't help reading the two Cathy posted this morning either.

Thanks very much.

Nina




Cathy
Hi Nina,

I can truly understand what you are expressing.  The emptiness left after
an emotionally draining situation makes you feel as worn-down as the doll.

Clockwork doll
with painted smile;
turn the key -
wind her up.

Make her dance
to your chosen tune;

You could also use: 'to chosen tune' or 'to your tune'.

sit and watch  'quietly watch'?
her perform for you. I would omit 'for you'.

Over and over
repeated show,
till mechanical motions
wear her down.

Alternative:

Over and over,
repeated motions;
till mechanicals
let her down.


Something snaps  'Mechanism' snaps? or 'Workings snarl'? maybe
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,
empty shell.

'poised, silent,
lifeless shell.'


I like the implications of the last stanza. Makes much sense to me.  Use or lose the suggestions as you see fit ...
*smiles*

Cathy
Nina
Hi Cathy

>C>I can truly understand what you are expressing.  

thank you

>C>The emptiness left after an emotionally draining situation makes you feel as worn-down as the doll.

It does indeed.

>C>You could also use: 'to chosen tune' or 'to your tune'.

I probably would have used dance to your tune but inserted chosen because I thought it was a cliche.

sit and watch  'quietly watch'?
her perform for you. I would omit 'for you'.

thanks but quietly watch gives me the wrong image.

I think I prefer to keep for you in.

Alternative:

Over and over,
repeated motions;
till mechanicals
let her down.


thanks for the suggestion but it loses the alliteration I had and changes the meaning.  She is being worn down/ worn out by having to repeat the mechanical motions rather than being let down by the mechanicals.

'Mechanism' snaps? or 'Workings snarl'? maybe

This limits my meaning.  With "something snapped" it could be mechanical or psychological.

'poised, silent,
lifeless shell.'


poised gives the image of being composed, balanced, ready which isn't the idea I want to convey.  Once something snaps she is anything but composed and balanced.

>C>I like the implications of the last stanza. Makes much sense to me.  Use or lose the suggestions as you see fit ...

Thank you very much and thanks also for taking the time and trouble to offer suggestions, much appreciated even if I don't use most of them.

Nina
Psyche
Hi Nina !  :sun:

Hey, this runs similar to Stone Statue !! Are you trying to tell us something?
About yourself?  Sorry... never mind my "kitchen psychology", as my husband used to call it...  :blush21:

I love Clockwork Doll, brilliant !!
Don't have any nits at all. It's perfect just as it is. For some reason it reminds me a little of the story of the paper ballerina, who falls into the fire... can't put my finger on it, but there's some relationship about "winding down" and "falling into the red hot coals"....  :)

Anyway, another great poem, Nina !! Congrats from the heart !
Hugs,
Sylvia  :turtle:
Don
Hi Nina,

The title, clockwork doll, conjured the ballarina music box.

Regarding the last stanza:  it would be a plus if the first word were more specific.  Mechanically speaking the usual item that snaps in a windup mechanism is the mainspring, and next likely is the stem between the key and spring.  The choice becomes more binding when you also desire a human characteristic such as patience to snap.

Perhaps first line might be: Spirit snaps, or Endurance snaps?

The word "snap" is bold and commands attention.  A simple comma denoting "and" should suffice for line end.

The second line might be: she works no more— or she moves no more—?

Last line might be: broken shell, or static shell?

Original for reference:
Something snaps
she’ll work no more -
lifeless, silent,
empty shell.

Happy penning

Don   dove.gif    blueorn.gif
Nina
Hi Sylvia

>S>Hey, this runs similar to Stone Statue !! Are you trying to tell us something?
About yourself?  Sorry... never mind my "kitchen psychology", as my husband used to call it...

nah, I'm not trying to say anything about myself, just relate an image that came into my mind.  

>S>I love Clockwork Doll, brilliant !!

Thank you very much

>S>Don't have any nits at all. It's perfect just as it is. For some reason it reminds me a little of the story of the paper ballerina, who falls into the fire... can't put my finger on it, but there's some relationship about "winding down" and "falling into the red hot coals"....  

Sounds like a lovely story.  If you have a link or more details, I'd love to read it.

>S>Anyway, another great poem, Nina !! Congrats from the heart !

thank you very much.

Nina
Nina
Hi Don

>D>The title, clockwork doll, conjured the ballarina music box.

Yes, it could well be the ballerina music box.

>D>Regarding the last stanza:  it would be a plus if the first word were more specific.  Mechanically speaking the usual item that snaps in a windup mechanism is the mainspring, and next likely is the stem between the key and spring.  The choice becomes more binding when you also desire a human characteristic such as patience to snap.

Perhaps first line might be: Spirit snaps, or Endurance snaps?

I'm not sure that I want to use quite such a specific human characteristic.

>D>The word "snap" is bold and commands attention.  A simple comma denoting "and" should suffice for line end.

thanks, will consider the comma

>D>The second line might be: she works no more— or she moves no more—?
again, I'll consider this.

>D>Last line might be: broken shell, or static shell?

Static shell wouldn't work.  Broken shell changes the meaning slightly.  An empty shell indicates there is nothing left inside.

thanks very much for popping in and offering suggestions

Nina
Psyche
Hi again, Nina !!  :snowflake:

I'll try to find the story of the paper ballerina, my brain is an empty shell too... methinks there was a lead soldier in the story, who was in love with the paper ballerina, and they both end up in the fire....  :(  :speechless:   One melts and the other is gone in a flash, can't remember in what order.

I know someone who'd put you straight, that's Grace !!!

Sort of story we were fed as kids, probably by Grimm or the other one...  :oops:  :upside:

By the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with using "cliches" when they're well chosen, as yours is. Another time, when I'm less busy, I'll look up famous poets who used cliches...  :laugh:    The word itself is from the French, anyway, so don't give it a thought !!!   Jester.gif

Hugs,
Sylvia  :dove:
Nina
Thanks Sylvia

I may google the story to see if I can find it.

>S>By the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with using "cliches" when they're well chosen, as yours is. Another time, when I'm less busy, I'll look up famous poets who used cliches...      The word itself is from the French, anyway, so don't give it a thought !!!  

Thank you.  It says what I want so I'm very tempted to leave it

Nina
Arnfinn
No suggestions, Nina.

You know me,I read a poem, then see what I get out of the meaning. I get the meanining very well here. Life is mechanical-- break the spring. AND...

We should not let this happen.

Lot of wisdom here. :)


John  :troy:  :wizard:
Nina
Hi John

>J>No suggestions, Nina.

Thank you

>J>You know me,I read a poem, then see what I get out of the meaning. I get the meanining very well here. Life is mechanical-- break the spring. AND...

sometimes that is true - every day is the same old routine, that can wear a person down.

>J>We should not let this happen.

indeed not

>J>Lot of wisdom here

thank you and thanks also for your thoughts.

Nina
Cyn
QUOTE(Nina @ Dec. 12 2005, 08:06)

Hi Nina
Some very minor suggestions to take or leave


Clockwork doll
with painted smile;
turn the key -
{and}wind her up.  (it's a rhythm thing for me)

Make her dance
to your chosen tune;
sit and watch
{she'll} perform for you.

Over and over
repeated show,
till mechanical motions
{wind} her down.  (I like this to play against wind her up)

Something snaps
she’ll work no more -
{a}lifeless, silent,
empty shell.[/b]

Like I said, take it or leave it. I realize I am coming late to the party

Cyn
Nina
Hi Cyn

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and make suggestions.  I'll certainly give them some consideration.

Nina
Cybele
Hi Nina, hsdance.gif

After a prolonged absence I am now trying to catch up with all I have missed, and one such was this lovey piece.

I love the title. It sums up the whole poem. So many women are trapped in such relationships, their originality stolen by responsibility and control. They forget the person they once were, that shining little star that first attracted the attentions of this domineering man.

The story Sylvia is referring to if I remember rightly was a ballet called the Tin Soldier and the Paper Ballerina.

I think it was also the basis for the film The Red Shoes with Moira Shearer.

No nits from me. I enjoyed reading this very much Nina.
Nina
Hi Grace

>G>After a prolonged absence I am now trying to catch up with all I have missed, and one such was this lovey piece.

Good luck with catching up but look after your back.

>G>I love the title. It sums up the whole poem. So many women are trapped in such relationships, their originality stolen by responsibility and control. They forget the person they once were, that shining little star that first attracted the attentions of this domineering man.

exactly.  They become a wife and mother and lose their own identity.  The person they once were gets lost somewhere along the way

>G>The story Sylvia is referring to if I remember rightly was a ballet called the Tin Soldier and the Paper Ballerina.

Thanks, well remembered.

>G>I think it was also the basis for the film The Red Shoes with Moira Shearer.

I vaguely remember the title.

>G>No nits from me. I enjoyed reading this very much Nina.

Thank you and I'm pleased that for once I've written a poem that you enjoyed instead of sending scuttling behind the settee.

Nina
Cybele
Hmm, Yes well Nina, huh.gif

Immediately after reading this, I found

DEATH COMES A'CALLING  chilly.gif  medusa.gif  ghostface.gif zombie.gif

So we are back to square one, with me a bundle of nerves again! LOL.gif
Nina
Hi Grace

QUOTE
Hmm, Yes well Nina,

Immediately after reading this, I found

DEATH COMES A'CALLING      

So we are back to square one, with me a bundle of nerves again!


Oh dear sorry about that, perhaps you should have read this after Death Comes a' Calling.  

OK then, to help you calm your nerves again perhaps you might like to readthis one which I posted a few weeks ago.  I promise there is nothing scary or menacing to read.  Of course you may have already read it.

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=6398

I shall head back to the mausoleum now and do the washing up.  :balrog:

Nina




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