Masquerade
Oh Goody! It’s that time again,
The fifth year anno domini
since earnest, caring, local men
won crucial votes from you and I.
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon the stage;
these pillars of society
present themselves on printed page
as paradigms of sobriety.
These politicking platitudes
posted quickly through the door,
disguise ambitious attitudes
of men I’ve never seen before.
Full Version: MASQUERADE
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Grace:
Your message was stated quite well with just the right amount of sarcastic wit.
Enjoyed your alliterative devices and creative choice of words to enhance your rhyme scheme.
Very well done
JLY
Your message was stated quite well with just the right amount of sarcastic wit.
Enjoyed your alliterative devices and creative choice of words to enhance your rhyme scheme.
Very well done
JLY
Hi Grace!!!!!!...
Your muse has been doing overtime! There is a strong voice within this poem. I feel passion and conviction toward the subject and the use of various poetic tools, such as; alliteration, smooth and unobtrusive end rhymes as well as a steady rhythmic beat through out make this a pleasure to read aloud. I've improved my vocabulary by learning 'domini' and 'trompe-l'oeil' which I would like to make use of in a soon to be coming poem (if my muse ever returns!)
Ok, some thoughts to follow...I liked the driven humor throught-out this and the poetics which sound so pleasing to the ear. I especially liked the liveliness it showed the full passion of the narrator. Great work.
... Hugs, Liz
Your muse has been doing overtime! There is a strong voice within this poem. I feel passion and conviction toward the subject and the use of various poetic tools, such as; alliteration, smooth and unobtrusive end rhymes as well as a steady rhythmic beat through out make this a pleasure to read aloud. I've improved my vocabulary by learning 'domini' and 'trompe-l'oeil' which I would like to make use of in a soon to be coming poem (if my muse ever returns!)
Ok, some thoughts to follow...I liked the driven humor throught-out this and the poetics which sound so pleasing to the ear. I especially liked the liveliness it showed the full passion of the narrator. Great work.
... Hugs, Liz
QUOTE
Masquerade
The title enhances the meaning between the politics and the love/hate emotions that are camoflauged within the poem. Nice choice of title.
Oh Goody! It’s that time again,
The fifth year anno domini
since earnest, caring, local men
won crucial votes from you and I.
I read this several times, each time, wanting to say
Oh Goodness, it's that time again,'
I see your intent is to start the reader off, sort of misleading them to think the narrator is over joyed, and then slowly establish the sarcastic undertone that reveals the full distain that the narrator feels towards this 'mascarade!"
The suggestion for 'oh goodness,' would temper that intent down a notch or two and I am unsure if that is something you would want to do. I think the intent works quite well. However, I am not sure why I keep wanting to say Oh Goodness. Perhaps it is a reflection of how I often feel...Kind of like, "Oh no...not again!" LOL :)
The opening stanza sets it up so great. Setting the image of excitement towards the coming vote. The established feigned character attributes are in place... and inviting the reader in at this point and allowing the reader to believe that there participation is all-important, as if it makes a difference.
Nicely done. Not a word to change.
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon the stage;
these pillars of society
present themselves on printed page
as paradigms of sobriety.
I LOVE the meaning of 'trompe-l'oeil, it begins the twist for your intention with such a grand slam...Also, I wanted to commend you on your use of end rhymes... society/sobriety is absolutely so fitting.. .
This is a good example of each word holding its own importance and making the most use of the feet. Good work...
These politicking platitudes
posted quickly through the door,
disguise ambitious attitudes
of men I’ve never seen before.
politicking platitudes :dance: leaves me grinning from ear to ear! This final stanza is where I felt a little tweaking might make this a forceful ending.
L2, I would have hoped would display these critters, unmasking themselves so that the final line, can have that added powerful and profound meaning.
Something to consider...
These politicking platitudes
unmask the deeds they have instore,
disguised ambitious attitudes
of men I"ve never see before.
Of course this is not as strong, but an example of what I mean.
LOVED THIS POEM!
The title enhances the meaning between the politics and the love/hate emotions that are camoflauged within the poem. Nice choice of title.
Oh Goody! It’s that time again,
The fifth year anno domini
since earnest, caring, local men
won crucial votes from you and I.
I read this several times, each time, wanting to say
Oh Goodness, it's that time again,'
I see your intent is to start the reader off, sort of misleading them to think the narrator is over joyed, and then slowly establish the sarcastic undertone that reveals the full distain that the narrator feels towards this 'mascarade!"
The suggestion for 'oh goodness,' would temper that intent down a notch or two and I am unsure if that is something you would want to do. I think the intent works quite well. However, I am not sure why I keep wanting to say Oh Goodness. Perhaps it is a reflection of how I often feel...Kind of like, "Oh no...not again!" LOL :)
The opening stanza sets it up so great. Setting the image of excitement towards the coming vote. The established feigned character attributes are in place... and inviting the reader in at this point and allowing the reader to believe that there participation is all-important, as if it makes a difference.
Nicely done. Not a word to change.
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon the stage;
these pillars of society
present themselves on printed page
as paradigms of sobriety.
I LOVE the meaning of 'trompe-l'oeil, it begins the twist for your intention with such a grand slam...Also, I wanted to commend you on your use of end rhymes... society/sobriety is absolutely so fitting.. .
This is a good example of each word holding its own importance and making the most use of the feet. Good work...
These politicking platitudes
posted quickly through the door,
disguise ambitious attitudes
of men I’ve never seen before.
politicking platitudes :dance: leaves me grinning from ear to ear! This final stanza is where I felt a little tweaking might make this a forceful ending.
L2, I would have hoped would display these critters, unmasking themselves so that the final line, can have that added powerful and profound meaning.
Something to consider...
These politicking platitudes
unmask the deeds they have instore,
disguised ambitious attitudes
of men I"ve never see before.
Of course this is not as strong, but an example of what I mean.
LOVED THIS POEM!
Hi Grace,
I doubt if I could be so kind with politicans we supposedly vote into office. As you may know our Ohio governor is rated among the very worst; and the manipulation of voting districts, opening vote to everyone possible, single party options, and changing from paper to more easily corruptable computer vote has my ballot in irrational fumes.
I believe your fourth line grammatically corrected should read "...you and me."
Please tell me I am wrong!
Merry Christmas
Don
I doubt if I could be so kind with politicans we supposedly vote into office. As you may know our Ohio governor is rated among the very worst; and the manipulation of voting districts, opening vote to everyone possible, single party options, and changing from paper to more easily corruptable computer vote has my ballot in irrational fumes.
I believe your fourth line grammatically corrected should read "...you and me."
Please tell me I am wrong!
Merry Christmas
Don
Hi Don, 
Thank you so much for stopping by to comment.
Your enthusiastic replies to tiles seems to indicate to me that you are making very good progress in you recovery. I hope I am right?
Well, you have me wondering now Don.
I have always taken 'you and I' to be the correct grammar over here ~ but of course I could be wrong. Perhaps someone could enlight us?
In the event I would have to claim poetic license here Don ~ or lose my rhyme.
Thank you so much for stopping by to comment.
Your enthusiastic replies to tiles seems to indicate to me that you are making very good progress in you recovery. I hope I am right?
QUOTE
I believe your fourth line grammatically corrected should read "...you and me."
Well, you have me wondering now Don.
I have always taken 'you and I' to be the correct grammar over here ~ but of course I could be wrong. Perhaps someone could enlight us?In the event I would have to claim poetic license here Don ~ or lose my rhyme.
Hi Grace,
I'm not into politics ... never really understood all of it. I've tried! lol
I only have one suggestion and that would be to leave out 'the' in S2 L1.
Other than that it needs no help. *smiles*
Cathy
I'm not into politics ... never really understood all of it. I've tried! lol
I only have one suggestion and that would be to leave out 'the' in S2 L1.
Other than that it needs no help. *smiles*
Cathy
Hi Liz,
What a lovely long, detailed crit.
Thank you so much.QUOTE
I've improved my vocabulary by learning 'domini' and 'trompe-l'oeil' which I would like to make use of in a soon to be coming poem
I too love tompe l'oeil (the artwork)and thought you might be interested in seeing some examples at this link
http://www.artlex.com/ArtLex/t/trompeloeil.html
QUOTE
Ok, some thoughts to follow...I liked the driven humor throught-out this and the poetics which sound so pleasing to the ear. I especially liked the liveliness it showed the full passion of the narrator. Great work.
Wow Liz! Praise indeed, thank you. (I do have a very wicked sense of humour my friends are always telling me.) It's nice to be able to use it in poetry.
QUOTE
The title enhances the meaning between the politics and the love/hate emotions that are camoflauged within the poem. Nice choice of title.
Thank you Liz
QUOTE
Oh Goody! It’s that time again,
The fifth year anno domini
since earnest, caring, local men
won crucial votes from you and I.
I read this several times, each time, wanting to say
Oh Goodness, it's that time again,'
The fifth year anno domini
since earnest, caring, local men
won crucial votes from you and I.
I read this several times, each time, wanting to say
Oh Goodness, it's that time again,'
Now here we seem to have a continental divide Liz.
Oh Goody! over here is used only in a slightly sarcastic way. No-one ever says 'Oh Goody!' and means it!
'Oh, goodness' on the other hand sounds terribly polite, and certainly wouldn't suit the mood of this piece, which sets out from the very start to mock the whole system of electioneering.
QUOTE
I wanted to commend you on your use of end rhymes... society/sobriety is absolutely so fitting.. .
This is a good example of each word holding its own importance and making the most use of the feet. Good work...
This is a good example of each word holding its own importance and making the most use of the feet. Good work...
That's very kind of you Liz.
QUOTE
politicking platitudes leaves me grinning from ear to ear! This final stanza is where I felt a little tweaking might make this a forceful ending.
L2, I would have hoped would display these critters, unmasking themselves so that the final line, can have that added powerful and profound meaning.
L2, I would have hoped would display these critters, unmasking themselves so that the final line, can have that added powerful and profound meaning.
Politicking is one of my very favourite words and I have been wanting to use it for ages.
QUOTE
These politicking platitudes
unmask the deeds they have instore,
disguised ambitious attitudes
of men I"ve never see before.
unmask the deeds they have instore,
disguised ambitious attitudes
of men I"ve never see before.
This is a very good suggestion Liz but it is also the crux of the whole poem. These leaflets are dropped through the letterbox surreptitiously and anonymously.
At one time these politicians use to "canvas" people at the door. Nowadays, they only crawl out of the woodwork at election time and get helpers to post leaflets through the door telling you all the good things they stand for, and making falsely promise things they will never carry out. This line explains fully the meaning of the last line. ???
I am so pleased you liked this poem Liz, I really didn't expect much reaction to it. Thank you.
QUOTE(Cybele @ Dec. 11 2005, 13:54)
[b]Hi Don,
Thank you so much for stopping by to comment.
Your enthusiastic replies to tiles seems to indicate to me that you are making very good progress in you recovery. I hope I am right?
Well, you have me wondering now Don. I have always taken 'you and I' to be the correct grammar over here ~ but of course I could be wrong. Perhaps someone could enlight us?
In the event I would have to claim poetic license here Don ~ or lose my rhyme.
Thank you so much for stopping by to comment.
Your enthusiastic replies to tiles seems to indicate to me that you are making very good progress in you recovery. I hope I am right?
QUOTE
I believe your fourth line grammatically corrected should read "...you and me."
Well, you have me wondering now Don.
I have always taken 'you and I' to be the correct grammar over here ~ but of course I could be wrong. Perhaps someone could enlight us?In the event I would have to claim poetic license here Don ~ or lose my rhyme.
Hi,
Yes, my health improvement is significant. I am having difficulty concentrating on writing good poetry. I've been reading some professional poets that use my economy of words and placing short ones here at MM to wring out the wrinkle of not being understood. Thanks for noticing my increased activity. Still taking chemo (UGH) but doc is adding shots which keep my blood count high, which in turn keeps my immune system working and helping me feel human.
The rhyme sort of dictates which way to go doesn't it. My grammar rule of thumb is how it sounds, if only yourself is involved, to select whether it should be "you and I" or "You and me."
For example: Will she vote for you and I?
(Will she vote for I?)
or
Will she vote for you and me?
(Will she vote for me?)
The last is my choice to be correct.
Others are not objecting, so leave it alone.
Don
Hi Cathy, 
Imho Cathy you haven't missed much. When you've heard one politician speak, you've heard them all. The North American Indians had a word for it "Him speak with forked tongue"
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon the stage;
Two points here, I think Cathy
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon stage;
Doesn't seem to make sense to me, but the more important point is that this is a form poem with a syllable count of eight per line.
Thank you for the suggestion anyway ~ and for your kind comments.
QUOTE
I'm not into politics ... never really understood all of it. I've tried! lol
Imho Cathy you haven't missed much. When you've heard one politician speak, you've heard them all. The North American Indians had a word for it "Him speak with forked tongue"
QUOTE
I only have one suggestion and that would be to leave out 'the' in S2 L1.
Other than that it needs no help. *smiles*
Other than that it needs no help. *smiles*
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon the stage;
Two points here, I think Cathy
Their trompe-l'oeil lives upon stage;
Doesn't seem to make sense to me, but the more important point is that this is a form poem with a syllable count of eight per line.
Thank you for the suggestion anyway ~ and for your kind comments.
Hi Grace. :wave:
I got a chuckle from this piece - I did! :jester:
It could bery well be own accent with syllables (not that it matters much) but I did spot two lines with 9 beats and one line with 7, all the rest have 8. So, I put on my best dancing shoes :dance: and offer the changes below for you.
Cheers!
~Cleo :pharoah:
[add] {delete}
Their trompe-l'oeil lives {upon} [on] the stage;
these pillars of society
present themselves on printed page[;]
{as} paradigms of sobriety.
These politicking platitudes
posted {quickly} [hurriedly] through the door,
disguise ambitious attitudes
of men I’ve never seen before.
I got a chuckle from this piece - I did! :jester:
It could bery well be own accent with syllables (not that it matters much) but I did spot two lines with 9 beats and one line with 7, all the rest have 8. So, I put on my best dancing shoes :dance: and offer the changes below for you.
Cheers!
~Cleo :pharoah:
[add] {delete}
Their trompe-l'oeil lives {upon} [on] the stage;
these pillars of society
present themselves on printed page[;]
{as} paradigms of sobriety.
These politicking platitudes
posted {quickly} [hurriedly] through the door,
disguise ambitious attitudes
of men I’ve never seen before.
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