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ohsteve
From the strength of love complete,
the moment stands forlorn.
Back-pedaled into yesterday I listen,
her pomegranate anger and words,
jabbed my soul.
Heaven help the one who bare me so,
his fleeting feet will not be fast enough.
Nina
Hi Steve

I'm not sure I really understand this, there is much not being said.

I'm a bit confused about the tenses used, you change from present to past and back again.

A few thoughts you can use or reject as you wish.
[add] {delete} (comment)

From the strength of love complete,
the moment stands forlorn.
Back-pedal{ed} into yesterday I listen{,}[;]
her pomegranate anger and words,
jab{bed} my soul.
Heaven help the one who bare[s] [or d] me so, (I'm not sure what you mean by bare)
his fleeting feet will not be fast enough. (Is this someone she had an affair with.  I don't really follow)

thanks for the read

Nina
ohsteve
From the strength of love complete,    the main character is full of love....
the moment stands forlorn.                 but is torn apart in a moments time
Back-pedal{ed} into yesterday I listen{,}[;] he goes back in time to yesterday and remembers what he heard softly whispered behind his back.
her pomegranate anger and words,    by his wife who pretends it isnt so that she cheated on him.
jab{bed} my soul.                               he is hurt
Heaven help the one who bare[s] [or d] me so, (I'm not sure what you mean by bare) should have been bares...
his fleeting feet will not be fast enough. (Is this someone she had an affair with.  I don't really follow) he goes after the guy instead of her.  it was a word challenge i might have to redo it now...LOL. But thanks for the comments and the critique, they are very helpful to me.

I like to write short sharp poems this may have been too short...
Steve




Nina
Hi Steve

I kind of thought that's what you meant but the jump from talking about his wife to "he" I found confusing.

Nina
Cathy
Hi Steve,

A very sad poem.  Any suggestions made may be ignored
of course.  *smiles*

{omit}[add]

From the strength of love complete,
{the}[one] moment stands forlorn.
Back-pedaled into yesterday I listen,
her pomegranate anger and words{,}
jab{bed} my soul.
Heaven help the one who bare[d] me so,  Since you are talking about
a deed already done shouldn't it be past tense?

his fleeting feet will not be fast enough.

Sad situation indeed and many have been there.  It might help to post
the words from the challenge so we know what shouldn't be changed.   xmas.gif

Cathy Snowflake.gif
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Steve.

A sad poem indeed! II offer a few additions and changes below for you to ponder.

Best regards.
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[+] {-}

From the strength of love complete,
the moment stands forlorn.
Above, you could say this moment stands, or one moment stands as an alternative to 'the'.

Back-pedaled into yesterday I listen[ed to]{,}
her pomegranate anger and words,
[as they] jabbed [at] my soul.
Heaven help the one who {bare} [stripped] me so,
I also think 'bare' may not be the word of choice here? I suggest 'stripped' instead.
his fleeting feet will not be fast enough.
circumsolar
indigo=a change
() = omit
{} = comment

From the strength of love complete,{hyphen love-complete or a comma before and after complete}
one moment stands forlorn:
Back-pedaled into yesterday,I listen --
her pomegranate anger and words{angry words?}(,) {really like this phrase, the colour, juiciness and intricacy/faceted nature of the small seeds surrounded by the bright pulp - like the lies she's speaking}
jab/spear my soul.
Heaven help the one who bares me so;
his fleeting feet will not be fast enough.  
{personally liked this useage of bares me so, avoiding the cliche, and the tense feels right too, since the narrator is still bare, trying to bear his bareness, lol... same too the 'I listen' since the narrator is back in a moment from the past but it is happening to him as in the present, since it is a reliving of the moment in present tense. A little unsure of 'fleeting'? fleeing perhaps, or fleet, or was it your intention to show that he's come and gone as a very brief, yet mortally destructive force?}

From the strength of love, complete,
one moment stands folorn:
Back-pedalled into yesterday, I listen --
her pomegranate, angry words
spear my soul.
Heaven help the one who bares me so;
his fleet feet will not be fast enough.




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