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Nefertiti
Ist Revision
(thanks to Fran and Nina!!!)

This morning when I woke up
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I didn't know what happened
so I tried it out once more.
I mustered up my courage
but croaked just like before.

I ran to find my mommy
to share this catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
I could not believe my eyes! oops.gif
(purposely mixed metaphor cuz it's a kid thing)

Where could I have left it?
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for water,
it didn't sound quite right.

I think if I retrace my steps - running.gif  
re-enact my bedtime routine,
that maybe I could find my voice
otherwise, I'll have to clean. (Yick! )

Let's see, did I brush all my teeth?
Yeah, I pretty sure I did!
Good thing, too, or Mom'd be mad -
but hey, I'm just a kid!

Maybe it went down the drain!
Then mom should call the plumber.
Eeeeew, but it would be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.

I think I'll check the hamper.
It could be hiding there.
But I really hope it's not inside
my dirty socks or underwear!

Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Yeah, I'll go check in there.

Maybe it was the monster
that hides underneath my bed.
Maybe he got tired of his
and took my voice instead.

Or maybe that old Toothfairy
made a really bad mistake.
Or maybe this is payback
for the time the tooth was fake. blush21.gif

Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as my eye can see.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not all bad.
I don't have to go to school -
and that makes me kinda glad!!!


I Lost My Voice Speechless.gif
(original version)

This morning when I woke up
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I didn't know what happened
so I tried once more.
I mustered up my courage
but I croaked just like before.

I ran to find my mommy
to relate this catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
I could not believe my eyes! oops.gif

Where could I have left it?
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for more water,
it didn't sound quite right.

I think if I retrace my steps - running.gif  
re-enacted my bedtime routine,
that maybe I could find my voice,
so I'll check out the crime scene.

Let's see, did I brush my teeth?
Yeah, I think I did!
Good thing, too, or Mom'd be mad -
but hey, I'm just a little kid!

Maybe it went down the drain!
maybe mom should call the plumber.
Eeeeew, but then it'd be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.

I think I'll check the hamper.
It could hide in there.
But I really hope it's not hiding
by dirty socks and underwear!

Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Maybe I should check in there.

Maybe it was the monster
that hides underneath my bed.
Maybe he got tired of his
and took mine instead.

Or maybe the Toothfairy
made a bad mistake.
Or maybe this is payback
for the time the tooth was fake.

Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as my eye can see.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school,
all that makes me kinda glad!!!
dance.gif




Toumai
Hi Nef,

I could really relate to this tale - any excuse to stay home from school  cheer.gif

A few ideas - use or toss as you like it; I've looked at the rhythm a bit, cos this is begging to be read out loud, and there are a few places where it might flow a little easier.

Fran


This morning when I woke up
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I didn't know what happened
so I tried once more.  --- so I tried AGAIN once more ? (meter)
I mustered up my courage
but I croaked just like before.

I ran to find my mommy
to relate this catastrophe  --- del THIS ? (meter)
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
I could not believe my eyes!  --- erm ... ears, surely (but the mixed M is very funny as tis)

Where could I have left it? --- ROFL
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for more water,  --- del MORE ? (meter)
it didn't sound quite right.

I think if I retrace my steps -    
re-enacted my bedtime routine, --- re-enact (del ED) to fit present tense of retrace and also meter
that maybe I could find my voice,
so I'll check out the crime scene.  --- crime scene sounds a bit "grown up" for a child who thinks a lost voice can be found under the bed ? (but I suppose this is in America?  oops.gif )

Let's see, did I brush my teeth?  --- brush ALL my ... (meter) ?
Yeah, I think I did!  --- ooops a bit of a short line - would "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did" work for the rhythm?
Good thing, too, or Mom'd be mad -   --- lol
but hey, I'm just a little kid!  --- don't try that on me, young lady!

Maybe it went down the drain!
maybe mom should call the plumber.
Eeeeew, but then it'd be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.    --- ROFL

I think I'll check the hamper.
It could hide in there.  --- oops another slightly short line?
But I really hope it's not hiding  --- and then a looooong one?
by dirty socks and underwear! --- hiddEN by or hiding UNDER or 'NEATH ? (yuck! smellyyyyyyyyyyy! )

how about something like (to iron out rhythm) :
I think I'll check the hamper
everything ends up in there
but then it might be smelly
under socks and underwear  ?

Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Maybe I should check in there.

Maybe it was the monster
that hides underneath my bed.  --- LOL
Maybe he got tired of his
and took mine instead.  --- took MY VOICE instead ? (for ... )

Or maybe the Toothfairy --- MY toothfairy (looses a "the")
made a bad mistake.
Or maybe this is payback
for the time the tooth was fake.  --- ROFL

Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as my eye can see.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school,
all that makes me kinda glad!!!  --- Excellent punchline (yipeeeee! )




Nina
Hi Beth

Most chucklesome.  It just shows how what we say can be misinterpreted.

a few suggestions
[add] {delete} ..comment

I Lost My Voice  

This morning when I woke up
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I didn't know what happened
so {I} tried [to talk] once more.
I mustered up my courage
but {I} croaked just like before.  ...you have a few too many "I"s

I ran to find my mommy
to relate this catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
I could not believe my eyes!  

Where could I have left it?
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for {more} water,
it didn't sound quite right.

I think if I retrace my steps -    
re-enact{ed} my bedtime routine,
that maybe I could find my voice,
so I'll check out the crime scene.

Let's see, did I brush my teeth?
Yeah, {I think}[I'm sure] I did!
Good thing, too, or Mom'd be mad -
but hey, I'm just a {little} kid!

Maybe it went down the drain!
{maybe} mom should call the plumber.
Eeeeew, but then it'd be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.

I think I'll check the hamper.
It could {hide in}[be hiding] there.
But I {really} hope it's not {hiding}[been buried]
{by}[under] dirty {socks and} underwear!

Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Maybe I should check in there.

{Maybe}[Perhaps] it was the monster ...too many "maybe"s
that hides {underneath}[beneath] my bed.
Maybe he got tired of his
and [just] took mine instead.

Or maybe the Toothfairy
made a bad mistake.
{Or maybe this is}[could this be] payback
for the time the tooth was fake.  ...LOL

Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as {my eye}[I] can see.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school,
all that makes me kinda glad!!!  ...always good to get a day off school

An alternative for the last verse could be

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school today
which makes me kinda glad!!!

Thanks for the read, most amusing.

Nina
Nefertiti
Hi Fran and Nina!

All excellent suggestions!  And thanks for catchng the tense thingy, Fran.  I changed part of it to present tense but didn't get it all! LOL!  I'm so lazy when it comes to proofing.  Naughty me!    

I'm glad you both found it enjoyable.  I'm never sure that my warped perspective on things is humorous or not.  One of the kids in my older daughter's 2nd grade class had asked me if i was sick and I said  I'd lost my voice but thought it might be in the hamper.  She just looked at me like I was crazy.  7 year olds.:D

I do think there are a couple of words that are a bit grown up.  So,its either a sophisticated kid that watched too much news or I;d better stop being lazy and dig deeper for some other rhymes.  (Forive any typos.  Hard to type whi;st eating coiokie dough.  Okay, all done!  And didn't get any on the keyboard so typos from here on out are due to lack of ability! LOL!)  Speaknig of which - in the last line "all" was a typo for the dreaded "and"  so your suggestion  there is extra good, Nina!

Okay, so when I come down from my cookie dough high, I'll give those revisions a whack.  I like every single one of them!  And, best of all, my little brain didn't have ta get hurt thinkin' 'em up! LOL!

Again, HUGE THANKS!

Hugs,
Beth




AMETHYST
Oh my--just what the doctor ordered, some warm-hearted smiles and enjoyable poetry! Bethie, this is delightfully written. I enjoyed this most because I've been there before and you've captured the moment so well.

Some thoughts to follow, however don't make too many changes as I wouldn't want you to lose the aura of the poems humanity.

Big Hugs to you, Liz


QUOTE
I Lost My Voice  

This morning when I woke up
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I would suggest omitting 'up' from the end of L1, because you have sat up in L2, which works well for me. The rest is scrumptious... You've packed the introductory stanza with enough imagery to bring it to life for the reader almost immediately.


I didn't know what happened
so I tried once more.
I mustered up my courage
but I croaked just like before.

L2, perhaps...
so I tried to talk once more
In L4, perhaps
but croaked just like before


I ran to find my mommy
to relate this catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Perhaps in L2,
and relate this catastrophe
Again, the imagery and smooth execution of the line, with the wonderful sonics here and there, make this a delightful stanza to read.


Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
I could not believe my eyes!  

The words paint the moment so crisp in my minds eye. I can see this little one, eyes wide, with that "no way-how can I misplace, lose, or be missing my voice..." I loved it.


Where could I have left it?
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for more water,
it didn't sound quite right.

Love it! The innocence, the sweet precious tone of a childs voice comes shinning through... LOL

I think if I retrace my steps -    
re-enacted my bedtime routine,
that maybe I could find my voice,
so I'll check out the crime scene.

L2, feels off. I like what it is saying, but it feels a little clumsey. As well, as lines 3 and 4.
Perhaps...

I think I might retrace my steps-
reenact my night's routine
and only then I'll find my voice,
so let me check out the crime scene.



Let's see, did I brush my teeth?
Yeah, I think I did!
Good thing, too, or Mom'd be mad -
but hey, I'm just a little kid!


This stanza seems the weakest, although it brings the charm of the child, perhaps...

Let's see, did I brush my teeth?
Oh yeah, I think I did,
the paste is stuck to my cheek;
but hey, I'm just a little kid!



Maybe it went down the drain!
maybe mom should call the plumber.
Eeeeew, but then it'd be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.

L2, Perhaps...
Perhaps mom should call the plumber.



I think I'll check the hamper.
It could hide in there.
But I really hope it's not hiding
by dirty socks and underwear!

You crack me up. This is my favorite!
A little tweak perhaps..
I think I'll check the hamper.
It could've dropped in there.
I really hope it's not hiding
by dirty socks and underwear!

LOVE THIS STANZA!



Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Maybe I should check in there.

Because the stanza just before this the end rhymes are wear/there, you might want to reconsider the ends on this stanza.
Maybe...
Oh no, I didn't find it
among the bathroom mess at all.
But what about my bedroom?
it's only down the hall.



Maybe it was the monster
that hides underneath my bed.
Maybe he got tired of his
and took mine instead.

L3 and 4 or a little off from teh rest of the poem. Perhaps...

Maybe he got real tired
of his and took to mine instead.


Or maybe the Toothfairy
made a bad mistake.
Or maybe this is payback
for the time the tooth was fake.

L3, perhaps... or what if this is payback


Deliciously delightful.


Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as my eye can see.

Wonderfully executed.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school,
all that makes me kinda glad!!!

GREAT ENDING.
Arnfinn
Hi Beth,


Hey this is a scream. A kids lost (her/his) voice. Hey for goodness sakes where did me voice go? This scenario can be played out with a lot of situations with kids, but Beth you do it with finesse. Yeah baby (pardon the pun) this poem has a reader inquisitive, where did my voice Go? Dunno?

I Lost My Voice
This morning when I woke up
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.  :laugh:


John
Nefertiti
Hey Relli!  Hey John!

Thanks for taking the time to read through this and make such thoughtful crits! All quite excellent I might add!  I really appreciate it.  I'm not up to any revs today (taking a beating as the room mom for my 2nd grader.  Two of the moms are shooting down every idea I come up with for the holiday party  Can't call it Chrstmas anymore GRRR!  So, I'm grumpy and not feeling very funloving.  More like a childish pout session coming on.  And, John, I may not be 67 yet but I sure am a kid!!!!  And bigger than I wanna be!

Biggest Hugs!
B.
Cathy
Hi Nef,

This is so cute!  I remember trying to get out of school!  lol
I don't know if you are trying to keep a rhythm but these
suggestions might smooth out the flow a bit.  Ignore it you
don't want to use them.  *smiles*

This morning when I [a]woke {up}  To avoid 'up' twice in back to back lines.
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I didn't know what happened
so I tried [it just] once more.
I mustered up my courage
but I croaked just like before.

I ran to find my mommy
to relate {this} catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
{I} could not believe my eyes!  

Where could I have left it?
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for {more} water,
it didn't sound quite right.

I think if I retrace my steps -    
re-enact{ed my} bedtime routine, Change of tenses.
that maybe I could find my voice,
{so} I'll check out the crime scene.

Let's see, did I brush my teeth?
Yeah, I think I did!
Good thing{, too,} or Mom{'d}[would] be mad -
{but} hey, I'm just a little kid!

Maybe it went down the drain!
{maybe} mom should call the plumber. 'Maybe' in both lines.
Eeeeew, but then it'd be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.

I think I'll check the hamper.
It could [have hid]{hide} in there.
{But} I really hope it's not {hiding}
{by}[with] dirty socks and underwear!

Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Maybe I should check in there.

Maybe it was the monster
that hides {under}[be]neath my bed.
Maybe he got tired of his
and took [my voice]{mine} instead.

Or maybe the Toothfairy
made a bad mistake.
{Or} [M]aybe this is payback
for the time the tooth was fake.

Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as {my} eye can see.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school,
{all} that makes me kinda glad!!!

This morning when I awoke  
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning,"
but heard a croaking sound instead.

I didn't know what happened
so I tried it just once more.
I mustered up my courage
but I croaked just like before.

I ran to find my mommy
to relate catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
could not believe my eyes!  

Where could I have left it?
I had it just last night.
But when I asked for water,
it didn't sound quite right.

I think if I retrace my steps -    
re-enact bedtime routine,
that maybe I could find my voice,
I'll check out the crime scene.

Let's see, did I brush my teeth?
Yeah, I think I did!
Good thing or Mom would be mad -
hey, I'm just a little kid!

Maybe it went down the drain!
mom should call the plumber.
Eeeeew, but then it'd be all slimey
and that would be a bummer.

I think I'll check the hamper.
It could have hid in there.
I really hope it's not  
with dirty socks and underwear!

Nope, I didn't find it
in the bathroom anywhere.
What about my bedroom?
Maybe I should check in there.

Maybe it was the monster
that hides beneath my bed.
Maybe he got tired of his
and took my voice instead.

Or maybe the Toothfairy
made a bad mistake.
Maybe this is payback
for the time the tooth was fake.

Well, I don't know what happened
or where my voice could be.
You know that I've looked everywhere -
as far as eye can see.

And even though I lost my voice,
it's really not that bad.
I don't have to go to school,
that makes me kinda glad!!!


Just an alternative to consider.  *smiles*

Cathy Snowflake.gif
Nefertiti
Hi ya Cathy!

Thanks so much for your kind words and your great crit!  Silly me, I shoulda put the 1st rev before the original! But, the same suggestions keep coming and they're good ones so I'll most assuredly take 'em!  Yeah, that silly "all" in the last line was a typo.  My intention was the nastier "and".  I think I should change 'em both to "OH BOY!"  Whatcha think?

You have a great day!

Big Hugs
B.
Merlin
Hi Nefer,

It takes a special touch to write for kids.  Enjoyable.

Merlin




circumsolar
i'll be back to this one, just wanted to let you know i'd read it :)
Nefertiti
Hey Merlin!

Yeah, I've been told that I'm touched a lot!!!  My greatest anticipation is waiting until my kids are teens so I can embarrass the hell outta them! LOL!:D   OH the joy and retribution to be had!  Thanks for your kindly words and taking the time to read my nonsnese! LOL!

And the same goes for you,  circumsolar!  Thansk for the read and comment to let me know you cared enough to suffer through! LOL!

Hope you both have a great holiday season!  My goal is to catch up to Mrs. Claus in cookie consumption.:D

Hugs,
B.
circumsolar
ok, back again Nefertiti. just some thoughts to consider:

first off, whoever said you need a real eye for kids' poetry to pull it off is so right. It's far harder to write than adult works in many instances. Having said that, i do believe you have managed to capture the child's voice so well in this piece and, though it does need some issues addressing, specifically meter (imo), you don't want to go changing it beyond recognition and risk losing that crucial voice!

In your first verse, who is the child saying 'good morning' to? another child in the same room? only if it's to the mum, then she's in another room so maybe you could sub 'call' for 'say'. As for the reps, this presents no problem for me at all, since a whole lot of children's literature/poetry is dependent on this very tool - and kids LOVE it, since it makes it easier for them to latch onto and remember fondly. Similarly, the use of multiple 'I's is again, for me, totally acceptable: if i put myself in the position of a child reading this aloud, the I-word immediately makes this of interest to me - as we all know, a child's world consists of themself first and foremost, with other family members important but like satellites orbiting the main charaacter in their world. Rhythm, though, is a really vital ingredient in children's rhyming verse, since this lends itself to recall of the poem and helps the child develop their own sense and understanding of rhythm in speech, and so on to cadence.


This morning when I woke up  
and sat up in my bed,
I tried to say "Good morning"
but heard a croaking sound instead.
but I heard a croak instead.

i think you need to decide on how many beats per line you want and stick with that, watching your rhythm like a hawk to get the best from this. i am by no means expert on meter, but the way i read this aloud it felt like 3,3,3,4 - the rhythm that continues on into the following verse here:

I didn't know what happened
so I tried it just once more.
I mustered up my courage
but I croaked just like before.

Now this next one i find the word 'catastrophe' to be a little mature maybe for the age of the child i'm visualising - somewhere around 5?

I ran to find my mommy
to relate this catastrophe
but as I tried to yell her name,
no sound came out of me.

Love this next verse!

Imagine my frustration,
imagine my surprise!
When Mommy said I'd lost my voice,
I could not believe my eyes!  

This verse i think needs sorting out re the choice of words... again they feel too grown-up for the tone of the rest of the work.

I think if I retrace my steps -    
re-enacted my bedtime routine,
that maybe I could find my voice,
so I'll check out the crime scene.



so sorry, out of time right now but really the main thing here'll be to keep the rhythm consistent and - above all - keep that voice!


circumsolar
Nefertiti
Hey circumsolar!

Thanks for the crit.  I so know what you mean.  It IS hard keeping the vocab childish.  (I never have a problem keepng my behavior childish, though!)  Well, I think I'll give this thing a thorough going over and see if I can't obliterate any "BIG" words! LOL!  And even up the meter.  Right now, things at home are a little too grown-up for me to induldge my childish self, sadly.  

I truly appreciate your advice and your time and your kind words.  So, therefore, I promise not to throw a snowabll at you right now.  (I'll wait until you're not looking!:p )

Thanks again for everything!

Hugs,
B.
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