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Jox
Gosh, FreeForm is so quiet at the moment. Here's one I've excavated from the pit. I don't believe it has been on MM (nor any other public forum) before. If you recognise it, please let me know and I'll remove it. Thanks.

© Todd Congreve, 2005. I, Todd Congreve, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

(This was started: 17/12/2004 and last updated: 11/01/2005) -
Thanks to Fran for her crits between those dates. Thanks to Nina and Cathy for their suggestions.


Ref: TC 0233 AF

Prism Walls
by Todd Congreve

I sat in my cell,
watching a light-beam
strike the prism wall.

It refracted into
millions of hues
from seven colours.

Locked in -
to ponder life -
dancing in colour...

My brain computed,
re-ordering the World
to my specifications:
perfect image.

Enlightenment, where
repressive darkness
retires; suffering from
chronic anaemia.

White light victorious,
as all Earth’s colours
merge to form a unified
beam of freedom.

We’re all in colourful prisms,
confined by walls of air.
Noble and meek together,
ensnared by lustrous black -
dazzling us from seeing
how colourful life could be.

(end)


===========================

"Original" Version posted on MM:

Ref: TC 0233 AE

Prism Walls
by TC

I sat in my cell,
watching a light-beam
strike the prism wall.

It refracted into
millions of hues
from seven colours.

Locked in there
to ponder life -
dancing in colour...

My brain computed,
re-ordering the World
to my specifications:
perfect image.

Enlightenment, where
repressive darkness
retires; suffering from
chronic anaemia.

White light victorious,
as all Earth’s colours
merge to form a unified
beam of freedom.

We’re all in colourful prisms,
confined by walls of air.
Noble and meek together,
ensnared by lustrous black,
shining so brightly as to
dazzle us from seeing
how colourful life could be.

(end)




Nina
Hi J

This took some pondering and I have probably only scratched the surface of your meaning but here are my thoughts thus far.

Prism Walls
by TC

I sat in my cell,
watching a light-beam
strike the prism wall.


Prism walls or prison walls?  Prison cell or biological cells/brain cells.  

It refracted into
millions of hues
from seven colours.


Now my physics knowledge is almost zilch but  (thanks to good old wiki) a prism is the device used to refract or reflect light in a different direction or disperse it into its 7 spectral or rainbow colours.  Similar I presume to when you look in puddles you can see the light in its colours so I guess the puddle acts as a prism (Fran or Mike will no doubt set me straight and tell me otherwise)

Locked in {there}  … do you need there?
to ponder life -
dancing in colour...


seeing life in colour or varying shades rather than seeing things as black or white, right or wrong, one extreme or the other.

My brain computed,
re-ordering the World
to my specifications:
perfect image.


we see things as we want to see them which is not necessarily as they really are.

Enlightenment, where
repressive darkness
retires; suffering from
chronic anaemia.


thinking for yourself rather than accepting what you are told to think.
having an anaemic view of the world?  

I notice you switch here from past tense to present, is that deliberate?

White light victorious,
as all Earth’s colours
merge to form a unified
beam of freedom.


a surface (the Earth) that reflects all colours is white, i.e. all embracing  - all cultures, religions, races etc. One that doesn't leads to persecution, slavery, imprisonment.

We’re all in colourful prisms,
confined by walls of air.
Noble and meek together,
 … makes me think of noble gases
ensnared by lustrous black,
{shining so brightly as to}
 ….do you need this line? For something to dazzle it must be shining brightly, therefore the line is already understood.
dazzl{e}[ing] us from seeing
how colourful life could be.
 …?can be


We live our lives in our own colourful prisons, created by society, believing what we are told dazzled by  the lies and hype told to us by those in power the media, religion, missing out on seeing life in full technicolour.  Makes me think how we were all hoodwinked by GW and Blair over the Iraq war

Those are my thoughts so far.    

Very thought provoking, thanks.

Nina
Jox
Hi Nina,

Thanks for your visit and comments.

>N> This took some pondering and I have probably only scratched the surface of your meaning but here are my thoughts thus far.

Thank you.

“I sat in my cell,
watching a light-beam
strike the prism wall.”

>N> Prism walls or prison walls?

Yep, the play on words is intentional.

>N> Prison cell or biological cells/brain cells.

Yep, the walls may be physical or psychological (or both).

“It refracted into
millions of hues
from seven colours.”

>N> Now my physics knowledge is almost zilch

Thee and me!

>N> but (thanks to good old wiki)

Thank you for your research - much appreciated.

>N> a prism is the device used to refract or reflect light in a different direction or disperse it into its 7 spectral or rainbow colours. Similar I presume to when you look in puddles you can see the light in its colours so I guess the puddle acts as a prism (Fran or Mike will no doubt set me straight and tell me otherwise)

Yes, I think I can help here (but am willing to be corrected). “Ordinary” light - white light - is a composite of the colours of the rainbow (Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet - “Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain“).

What a prism does is to split white light into its composite colours. It also refracts 9bends) the light as it does do. There might be some reflection I suppose but it was refraction which I was considering.

I don’t think puddles of water do it per se, do they? But when a puddle has a few drops of oil in it then that will certainly produce a similar effect.

“Locked in {there} * . do you need there?
*to ponder life -
dancing in colour…”

Good point, probably not - thanks.

>N> seeing life in colour or varying shades rather than seeing things as black or white, right or wrong, one extreme or the other.

Yes and also the colours of living, rather than the drabness of mere existence. Living colours etc.

“My brain computed,
re-ordering the World
to my specifications:
perfect image.”

>N> we see things as we want to see them which is not necessarily as they really are.

Ah well, who is to say what is real? But, yes, that was my point - we see the World from our own perspective.

“Enlightenment, where
repressive darkness
retires; suffering from
chronic anaemia.”

>N> thinking for yourself rather than accepting what you are told to think.
having an anaemic view of the world?

Yes, that‘s good. Though what I think I had in mind was that enlighten banishes “repressive darkness” (see, I’m an optimistic liberal!) and the darkness suffers from “chronic anaemia” - i.e. it is pallid, wan, devoid of life-blood. I liked the almost contradictory juxtaposition of darkness and paleness from anaemia - almost a contradiction yet I thought, in this context, a useful comment. In t’other words, I’m suggesting an inward-looking, insular, miserable darkness which has a wan complexion because of all its time buried away. Contrasted with vibrant, living enlighten. Make any sense?

>N> I notice you switch here from past tense to present, is that deliberate?

I doubt it. Thanks, I will consider that.

“White light victorious,
as all Earth's colours
merge to form a unified
beam of freedom.”

>N> a surface (the Earth) that reflects all colours is white, i.e. all embracing - all cultures, religions, races etc. One that doesn't leads to persecution, slavery, imprisonment.

Yes, that’s about it. If we unify all colours we have white light - good light, unified light. In a similar way, if we unify all earth’s colourful aspects (I.e. good ones) they make a strong shaft of unified light - the torch of freedom etc.

“We're all in colourful prisms,
confined by walls of air.
Noble and meek together,* . makes me think of noble gases

Sorry, I don’t know what noble gasses are. Not part of my intention anyway. I simply meant the high-minded people.

“ensnared by lustrous black,
{shining so brightly as to}* ..do you need this line? For something to dazzle it must be shining brightly, therefore the line is already understood.

Thanks - will re-consider that.

“dazzl{e}[ing] us from seeing
how colourful life could be.* .?can be

OK this verse meant that “the dark side” can glow (lustrous black), dazzling us from the good size (cue Darth Vader’s turning, in a similar way).  And once we’re seduced by the dark side, we cannot see the attractions of the light side.

>N> We live our lives in our own colourful prisons, created by society, believing what we are told dazzled by the lies and hype told to us by those in power the media, religion, missing out on seeing life in full Technicolor.

Yes - an within our own mental prisons, too.

>N> Makes me think how we were all hoodwinked by GW and Blair over the Iraq war

Yes - a couple of war criminals to be sure. And I was also thinking of our personal imprisonments.

>N> Those are my thoughts so far.

Thank you very much for your thoughts - and your research. Both greatly appreciated, Nina.

>N> Very thought provoking, thanks.

Thank you!
Nina
Hi J

>J>Yes, that‘s good. Though what I think I had in mind was that enlighten banishes “repressive darkness” (see, I’m an optimistic liberal!) and the darkness suffers from “chronic anaemia” - i.e. it is pallid, wan, devoid of life-blood. I liked the almost contradictory juxtaposition of darkness and paleness from anaemia - almost a contradiction yet I thought, in this context, a useful comment. In t’other words, I’m suggesting an inward-looking, insular, miserable darkness which has a wan complexion because of all its time buried away. Contrasted with vibrant, living enlighten. Make any sense?

yes, similar to the way being shut away from the sun for a long time leaves your skin pale and lacking vitamin D.  When you go outside, the sun tans your skin or perhaps the elements give you a ruddy complexion.

>J>Yes - an within our own mental prisons, too.

yep, understood.

Nina
Cathy
Hi James,

We all see the world differently and I'll bet even if it's seen in color
we all see it in different ones.  Some, sadly, don't see color at all.  

The use of the word 'color' so many times bothered me a bit.  Maybe
an alternative?

It's an interesting way to describe it.  I enjoyed the read ... thanks!

Cathy xmas.gif
Jox
Hi Nina,

The wan i dea - yes that is what I was thinking.

Thanks very much, J.
Jox
Hi Cathy,

Thanks for your visit and crit.

I've just had a quick check and counted three instances of "colour" and two of "colourful" - there may be more, it was a quick check.

I will look at possible alternatives - unnecessary reprtition in a poem isn't good. However, I don't know how successful I'll be - this being a poem about colour.

Anyway, I'll give it some thought - thanks very much, Cathy.

J.
Jox
Nina:

Your two suggested deletions (one a single word, the other a whole line) have both been made. Thank you.

Cathy:

Sorry, I have not yet found any preferred replacements for the "colour" references. I remain open to the idea if I do finad any, however. Thank you.

J.
Nina
Hi J

>J>Your two suggested deletions (one a single word, the other a whole line) have both been made. Thank you.

my pleasure   grinning.gif


As for the repeated use of colour, it would be difficult to replace them and keep the same image in mind.  

However just a thought if you did want to reduce the number of repetions - instead of:

as all Earth’s colours

you could say

as all Earth's tints

and you could use chromatic instead of colourful

Nina
Jox
Thanks, Nina -

I'll consider those suggestions. Appreciated.

J.
Don
Hi Jox,

I do like your play on words and metaphors.  Following suggestions are merely to rattle some bars to break the quiet pensive mood.

Let's bring this stanza into present tense:
I sit in my cell,
watching a light-beam
strike the prism wall.

Ditto with this stanza:
It refracts into
millions of hues
a million hues
from seven colours.

Locked in -
to ponder life's
dancing in colour...

My brain computes,
re-ordering the World [Do you want capital World?]
to my specifications
of perfect image.

Enlightened, where
repressive darkness
retires; suffering from
chronic anaemia.

White light victorious,
as all Earth’s colours
merge to form a unified
beam of freedom.

We’re all in colourful prisms,
confined by walls of air.
Noble and meek together,
ensnared by lustrous black
to dazzle us from seeing
how colourful life should be.

(end)

You need not respond to above suggestions as I will read revision, if any, later. Good to see you donating again TC.

Don
Jox
Hi Don,

I'll carefully go-through your suggestions. However, I have made an error and I'm very sorry.

Nina did ask about the tenses and I said she was probably correct. then I re-checked the poem and, in fact, the two tenses were intentional - but I forgot to say. Sorry!

The first four verses are in the past tense and the final three in the present. This syncs-in with the change from personal to general perspectives. However, since you've kindly made some suggestions, I'll go through them and see if I prefer the change.

I'll also look at your other suggestions asap.

Thank you very much, Don.

Thanks also for your kind comment.

J.
Jox
Hi Don...

Just one q:

Why do you suggest the change from "could" to "should" in the last line. I'm a bit puzzled as it seems to be a value judgement, rather than an option? i.e. Who says life should be anything in particular?

I think I understand the other suggestions, thanks. This seems to be the only one which changes the meaning, hence my puzzlement.

Cheers,

J.
Don
Hi James,

Nothing wrong with leaving could instead of should.  I looked at it as a moral judgement rather than a cold fact.  We are trapped in the color wheel which we theorize we could escape but probably won't.  So if we hold our mouth just right and do what is necessary we should make it a could.

I find the word should warmer than cold could.

Cheers and keep warm.

Don
Jox
Hi Don,

Thanks for popping back - much appreciated.

>D> Nothing wrong with leaving could instead of should. I looked at it as a moral judgement rather than a cold fact.

Ah thanks. I understand better now.

>D> We are trapped in the color wheel which we theorize we could escape but probably won't.  So if we hold our mouth just right and do what is necessary we should make it a could.

Thanks.

>D>I find the word should warmer than cold could.

Yes, it is. "Should" indicates some external expectation - someone out there is urging us. Makes sense, thanks.

>D> Cheers and keep warm.

And you, Don!

Cheers, james.
Don
Hi again James,

Additional ponderings to consider:

Third line:  play on prism wall.
This links to third stanza dancing.  The hint of movement within a static cell automatically draws our attention and activates animated life.

Third stanza, line three:  To avoid repeat of the word, colour, substitute shades, which are nuances of prismatic displays debated by astrophysicists. Example of an old argument about Venus: If it is a yellow tint the planet's atmosphere is sand, but if it is a blue tint the planet's atmosphere is water.

Don   xmastree.gif
Jox
Don, Hello

Thank you VERY much indeed for popping-back again with more offerings. Whe I soon re-revise this piece I shall certainly be considering everything you have said - tenses, colours and the rest.

Much obliged. Thank you.

James.
Cleo_Serapis
Hi James.  :snowman:

I enjoyed your colorful poem! Here are a few ideas to ponder below:

Cheers!
~Cleo  :chilly:

(comment) [add] {delete}

It refracted into
millions of hues
from seven colours. (you could also say: It refracted into millions of multi-hued tints.)

Enlightenment, where
repressive darkness
retires; suffering from
chronic anaemia. (sp. anemia? )

White light victorious,
{as} all Earth’s colours
merge to form a unified
beam of freedom.

We’re all in colourful (painted? ) prisms,
confined by walls of air.
Noble and meek together,
ensnared by lustrous black -
dazzling us from seeing
how colourful life could be.
Jox
Hi Lori.

Thanks! Back later.

J.
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