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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
Merlin
I was recently invited to respond to a "he said - she said" volley, and this was my retort.  We used the same set of rhyming words, but that is not a Spenserian requirement.



Mars
It’s like a magnet – north and south attract
altho the two are different as can be.
I thought she fancied me – I must be cracked
to think someone like her can fancy me!
Yet little signs were there for me to see:
a special look, her smile; it spelled romance,
but there were butterflies I’d have to free.
I wondered if I asked her for a dance…
the time has come, my nerve is up, I’ll take the chance.

Venus
He hovered like a seagull on a tract
of fresh plowed ground – as famished as can be.
He had that certain look, a smile that cracked
fine porcelain and yet, quite fancy free –
a paradox, as far as I could see.
His smiling eyes, I knew they spelled romance
altho I wondered if he noticed me…
I saw the pair of us get up and dance,
imagining… oh, how I’d love to take that chance.
circumsolar
no crits from me, just applause. very wittily constructed, very clever. One of my favourites read here so far  hsdance.gif



JLY
Merlin,
Enjoyed your response to your exercise. I think you captured the true thoughts of your two characters. A fun diversion.
JLY
Cathy
Hi Merlin,

I like the way you've shown thoughts from both.  The two are
attracted to each other and don't even know it.

It’s like a magnet – north and south attract
altho the two (are) different as (can) be.
I (thought) she (fancied) me – I must be cracked
to think someone like her (can) fancy me!
Yet little signs (were) there for me to see:
a special look, her smile; it spelled romance,
but there (were) butterflies I’d have to free.
I wondered if I (asked) her for a dance…
the time (has) come, my nerve is up, I’ll (take) the chance.

Is it just me or is there a mix of past and present tense
throughout the poem?
rose.gif

Venus
He hovered like a seagull on a tract
of fresh plowed ground – as famished as (can) be.
He had that certain look, a smile that cracked
fine porcelain and yet, quite fancy free –
a paradox, as far as I could see.
His smiling eyes, I knew they spelled romance
altho I wondered if he noticed me…
I saw the pair of us get up and dance,
imagining… oh, how (I’d love) to take that chance.

Snowflake.gif  :snowman:  :snowflake:
Don
Hi Merlin,

Seems to be several repeats of "me" in Mars.

Cute for certain.

Don
MFK_Buckley
Well hullo Merlin. Someone invited you to volley eh? I think I might consider this your invitation. Nice to see ya Wiz Bang.  fran
Merlin
Many thanks for your replies, Cir, JLY, Cathy, Don & Fran.

I will confess that this may not be my best polished set.  Long ago I used the abbreviated versions of "although" and so many to be "altho" and similar.  The majority concensus was that such were ok for home use, but in writing, one should go with the full word.  I accepted that, but in this one I slipped back into the old mould.

There's a hazard with writing in first person - you'll see me doing that very seldom - and that is the over-use of the first person pronouns.  It seems once you begin, there's no getting away from the aye-aye-aye thing, followed by the me-me-my thing.  Here's an example, as Don noticed, where the "meeses" got a bit heavy.

The changing tenses was more intentional, showing a bit of mental confusion and incidents which may have happened 2 seconds ago (in the past) as opposed to the present.  Neither participant cares much about grammar at this point, other mindgames are on the menu.

I'm glad you enjoyed - hope to have more coming up.

Merlin
Don
Hi Merlin,

Oh yes, do send us more.

Don
Cleo_Serapis
Hello Merlin.  :wizard2:

I enjoyed your Mars/Venus poem!  :claps: You've given us the view from both sides and it's enjoyable to negotiate!  :wolf:  Sounds like a fun challenge to replicate from our own perspectives.  :laugh:

I've made a few notes below for you to ponder...

Well done!
~Cleo  :pharoah2

P.S. I'll assume the Spenserian pattern you refer to is from the sonnet - here shown as: ABABBCBCC.  :privateeye:

Mars
It’s like a magnet – north and south attract
altho the two are different as can be. (suggest although)
I thought she fancied me – I must be cracked (to avoid duplication of fancy/fancied – how about: she’s fond of me instead?)
to think someone like her can fancy me!
Yet little signs were there for me to see:
a special look, her smile; it spelled romance,
but there were butterflies I’d have to free.
I wondered if I asked her for a dance…
the time has come, my nerve is up, I’ll take the chance.

Venus
He hovered like a seagull on a tract
of fresh plowed ground – as famished as can be.
He had that certain look, a smile that cracked
fine porcelain and yet, quite fancy free –
a paradox, as far as I could see.
His smiling eyes, I knew they spelled romance
altho I wondered if he noticed me…  (suggest although, could also say ‘he’d noticed’)
I saw the pair of us get up and dance,
imagining… oh, how I’d love to take that chance. (suggest exclamation point ending)
Cleo_Serapis
Forget to mention Eric: I admire the way that you took each stanza and melded them together, each a complete story, with the same end words but a completely different meaning (in some cases).

bowdown.gif




Merlin
Thanks Don, will do!

Thanks Lori,  
it looks like I'll need to do the polishing that I suggested I did not do.  Your points are taken, and accepted.  No contest about the altho/although, there's a time and place, but I completely agree one should not abbreviate unless there's cause, as in dialect or applicable diction.  I'll make the other changes also, they're appreciated.

Here's a brief note regarding Spenserian Stanza -

Spenserian stanzas and Spenserian sonnets are akin. The sonnet is a branch of the English sonnet, rhymed abab bcbc cdcd ee, couplets actually inside. The stanza is 8 lines of iambic pentameter followed by an Alexandrine (iambic hexameter) rhymed ababbcbcc.  [Note - last line is 1 foot longer than the rest.]

Spenser’s Faerie Queene was all in this style, which died out for a couple hundred years until poets like Keats, Shelley, and others revived it in the 1800’s.  Currently Hurricane Sue (at the moment in Florida – actually Heartsong), Fran and I are really having our fun with it.

Merlin
MFK_Buckley
Thank you very much for the Spenser notes Merlin. I've saved it as I just flutter kicked alongside you and Sue til I got it. I find myself reworking some of my Shakey sonnets down to Spenser size. The compression is an opportunity to further distill the premise to a postcard, sticky note, whatever. Very handy for developing a series,
I love them! fran
heartsong7
Merlin...
Well done sir.
You certainly mastered the challenge.
Sue
jgdittier
Dear Merlin, Frances and Sue,
You three have mastered this form so well and brought so much
to your readers that I will make a vow never to abuse it with light verse.
Cheers,    Ron   jgd
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