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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
jgdittier
Listen my children and you shall hear
how the whole world was flooded, all over the sphere.

Seems the people of earth had all misbehaved,
yes, their actions were vulgar and greatly depraved.
So The Master Of All then ordained a new start,
and just Noah and fam'ly should listen if smart.
"All the clouds soon shall cry like they've not done before,
so now build you a boat, very big, as no shore
will exist when the waters have risen to max,
so load fam'ly and critters and plenty of snacks".

And so fin'ly the sun shown and water receded.
Down the gangplank to land, all those beasties stampeded.

'Twas a long time ago that the clouds sprung so free,
and so Noah's the stump of your fam'ly tree!




Merlin
I read somewhere that Noah & Joan had a generous amount of Okanagan wine on board when they went cruising.  Thus the pile-up on Ararat.

Merlin
Cybele
Good morning Ron.

Another slice of very ancient history for Kids I see. LOL.gif

QUOTE
Listen my children and you shall hear
how the whole world was flooded, all over the sphere.


Since this is a series Ron, I feel perhaps you might find a different start line for each one, The children on first hearing that line might think they are going to get the same poem as last time and each one is very different and stands alone. Just a thought, chuck or choose.

Seems the people of earth had all misbehaved,
yes, their actions were vulgar and greatly depraved.
So The Master Of All then ordained a new start,
so just Noah and fam'ly should listen if smart.
"All the clouds soon shall cry like they've nought done before,
so now build you a boat, very big, as no shore
will exist when the waters have risen to max,
so load fam'ly and critters and plenty of snacks".

And so fin'ly the sun shown and water receded.
Down the gangplank to land, all those beasties stampeded.

'Twas a long time ago that the clouds sprung so free,
and so Noah's the stump of your fam'ly tree!

--------------
Line 4 perhaps to avoid starting two lines with the word so you might say

So 'The Master Of All' then ordained a new start,
and Noah and family should listen, if smart.


Line 5

"All the clouds soon shall cry like they've not done before,

Line 6

you must build a great Ark, a new home, as no shore

Line 8 load fam'ly and critters and plenty of snacks".

Line 9/10

When finally the sun shone and water receded,
down the gangplank to land, all those beasties stampeded.

Just a few suggestions which you can chuck out with the flood water if you choose Ron.

Thanks for the history lesson.  :dance:
JLY
Ron,
Enjoyable, but left me wanting for a bit more. I think you could have added a bit more, it seemed like it was over too quick for me.

One minor thing, I thought this line was bit too long and didn't really roll off the tonque:
"All the clouds soon shall cry like they've nought done before
perhaps this could be broken into two.

Looking forward to the next history lesson...how about one about the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock?

JLY
jgdittier
Dear Merlin,
Haven't found any Okanagen wine around here. Especially that made from naturally frozen graped.

Dear Grace,
I've used most of your thoughts.
I often find I like short sentances over those that run longer with a comma. I don't really know why.

Dear JLY,
I've changed the nought to not which shortenes it somewhat. Since the metre is anapestic tetrameter, it flows as I intend and would only split it only if at the close for effect.
Thanks for the interest!
Cheers,    Ron   jgd
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