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Nina
This poem was written in response to a competition to write on a particular theme which this week is Paranoia.

Paranoia’s Nightmare

Can’t eat, sleep, rest;
anxious, panicked, stressed -
thoughts which won’t go away -
possess me night and day:
obsessing beyond proportion
creating total distortion;
whispers’ mocking jeers
expose irrational fears.

Suspicion of exclusion;
persecution illusion;
magnifying triviality;
twisted false reality.

Heightened agitation,
lacking true foundation;
feeling utterly deceived,
apprehensions believed.

As paranoia takes hold,
sense and sanity fold.


© Nina  2005  

Nina




JLY
Nina,
Your first 4 lines really work well and flow at such a great pace.  You really detailed the characteristics of your subject matter and you did it with a very quick and easy read.

I particularly like your last line and your use of the word fold.

I can't find anything that I would change. Very well done.
JLY
Nina
Hi John

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I'm really pleased you enjoyed the read.

>J>I particularly like your last line and your use of the word fold.

thank you.

>J>I can't find anything that I would change. Very well done.

phew!  I always worry whether I get the R & M right.  Thanks

Cheers

Nina
Jox
Hi Nina,

A very well-constructed poem of rhyming couplets - well done (The final one is especially good).

Some suggestions

Paranoia’s Nightmare

Can’t eat, sleep, rest;
anxious, panicked, stressed{;}[-]
thoughts which won’t go away{,}[-]
possess me night and day:
obsessing {out of}[beyond] proportion[,] (comma - unsure)
creating total distortion;
whispers’ mocking jeers[,] (comma - unsure)
expose irrational fears.

Suspicion of exclusion;
persecution illusion; (brill)

No other suggestions.

I really this this works well. I'm reet impressed.

J.
Nina
Hi J

>J>A very well-constructed poem of rhyming couplets - well done (The final one is especially good).

thanks muchly   grinning.gif

Thanks for your punctuation suggestions, I'll incorporate them in my revision.

obsessing {out of}[beyond] proportion

yes, I like that suggestion, thanks

>J>I really this this works well. I'm reet impressed

muchos gracias, I'm chuffed you're impressed.

thanks again

Nina
jgdittier
Dear Nina,
I call it spitfire poetry and I like how it bursts forth like from a gatling gun, each line a volley!
Cheers
ps What would be the translation into American-English of "reet chuffed"?
Nina
Hi Ron

I like that description - Spitfire poetry.


>R>ps What would be the translation into American-English of "reet chuffed"?

Reet is dialect for right and chuffed means pleased.

so in American-English it means very pleased.

Nina
AMETHYST
Hi Nina,


As Ron stated, this is spitfire poetry-dramatic and full of force and emotion. Without the title and without the mention of the theme, your poem stands on it's own...the reader can easily get the notion of paranoia. Your first few lines capture the surge of alternating emotions that someone with Paranoia has to endure and my opinion is you've done this quite well.

QUOTE
Paranoia’s Nightmare

The title I felt could be less tell-tale as the poem's body fully brings the reader into the grasp of emotional turmoil and without it, the final couplet brings it to a full closure for the reader.
Perhaps- Mental Illness, and then having the poem stand on its own to express how the narrator's paranoia effects them.


Can’t eat, sleep, rest;
anxious, panicked, stressed;
thoughts which won’t go away,
possess me night and day:
obsessing out of  proportion
creating total distortion;
whispers’ mocking jeers
expose irrational fears.

L3, possibly omit 'which' before wont go aay,
L5, is wonderful. Strong and vital to the inclusion of obsessive compulsive disorder effecting someone with paranoia. The final 2 lines, sum up the very characteristics of the disease. Excellent choice of words.


Suspicion of exclusion;
persecution illusion;
magnifying triviality;
twisted false reality.

S2, does well to expose the inner conflict of the narrator. Great follow up stanza. Wonderful and exceptionally skilled end rhymes.

Heightened agitation,
lacking true foundation;
feeling utterly deceived,
apprehensions believed.

The 3rd stanza brings the reader to cause and effect. The problems faced and the build up of confused issues. Again, great choice words that actively show the reader the conflict of the narrator.

As paranoia takes hold,
sense and sanity fold.

GREAT ENDING COUPLET! This is surely a keeper.

© Nina  2005  

Nina



Best wishes and grand hugs, Liz
Cathy
Hi Nina,

Wow, this packs a punch!  Your minimalistic approach worked
perfectly in this.

Suggestion or two: {omit}[add]

Can’t eat, sleep, rest;
anxious, panicked, stressed;
thoughts {which} won’t go away,
possess me night and day:
obsessing out of  proportion
creating total distortion;
whispers’ mocking jeers
expose irrational fears.

Suspicion of exclusion;
persecution illusion;
magnifying triviality;
twisted false reality.

Heightened agitation,
lacking true foundation;
feeling utterly deceived,
apprehensions believed.

{As} [P]aranoia takes hold,
sense and sanity fold.


Very forceful and IMO an apt description!

Well done!

Cathy :pharoah2
Nina
Hi Liz

>L>Without the title and without the mention of the theme, your poem stands on it's own...the reader can easily get the notion of paranoia. Your first few lines capture the surge of alternating emotions that someone with Paranoia has to endure and my opinion is you've done this quite well.

Thank you very much  :grinning:

>L>The title I felt could be less tell-tale as the poem's body fully brings the reader into the grasp of emotional turmoil and without it, the final couplet brings it to a full closure for the reader.
Perhaps- Mental Illness, and then having the poem stand on its own to express how the narrator's paranoia effects them

OK I take your point about the title telling too much.  However I don't think Mental Illness is the right title.  I think a person can be paranoid without being mentally ill.  I'm sure everyone has experienced paranoia at some point in their lives.  I know I can get paranoid over the daftest of things but I dont think I'm mentally ill at the time.

>L>L3, possibly omit 'which' before wont go aay,

I haven't made my mind up on "which" yet.

>L>L5, is wonderful. Strong and vital to the inclusion of obsessive compulsive disorder effecting someone with paranoia. The final 2 lines, sum up the very characteristics of the disease. Excellent choice of words.

thanks

>L>S2, does well to expose the inner conflict of the narrator. Great follow up stanza. Wonderful and exceptionally skilled end rhymes.

thanks once again  :grinning:

>L>GREAT ENDING COUPLET! This is surely a keeper.

wow, thanks very much

I really appreciate your lovely comments, thanks for taking the time to leave them

take care and hugs to you too

Nina
Nina
Hi Cathy

>C>Wow, this packs a punch!  

thanks, I love to "pack a punch"

>C>Your minimalistic approach worked
perfectly in this.

thanks, I'm glad it worked well.  I wasn't sure when I wrote it.

Thanks for your two suggestions.  I shall ponder "which" but I think I'll keep "as" in because it gives a sense of the shift from one state to another.

I'm chuffed you think it an apt description.

Thanks as always for your comments.

Nina
Maxim
Hi Nina

This is great! Very punchy and refreshing. No suggestions on the content I think you've said it all but I have a couple of suggestions on the flow, purely from how it reads to my ear so they may or may not suit your ear:

'obsessing out of  proportion'
my ear keeps seeking another syllable in this line, perhaps:
'obsessing out of all proportion' if not too cliched or:
'obsessing out of due proportion'

'creating total distortion'
similarly here, perhaps try:
'creating absolute distortion'

'persecution illusion'
these two words won't quite join smoothly for me, perhaps:
'persecutional illusion' or 'persecutional delusion'

'apprehensions believed.'
ditto here, perhaps:
'apprehensions are believed.' or 'apprehensions all believed.'

If this great poem reflects your current state of mind I hope you will not take these suggestions amiss as they are merely opinions to be considered or ignored as suits -  but hey just 'cos your paranoid doesn't mean that everyone is NOT trying to get you!

Thanks for sharing.

MaXiM
Nina
Hi Maxim

Thanks for popping in and commenting.

>M>This is great! Very punchy and refreshing.

Thanks very much

'obsessing out of  proportion'
my ear keeps seeking another syllable in this line, perhaps:
'obsessing out of all proportion' if not too cliched or:
'obsessing out of due proportion'


I have decided to go wit James' suggestion of replacing out of with beyond and I'll have a think about adding all.

'creating total distortion'
similarly here, perhaps try:
'creating absolute distortion'


I prefer to use total, absolute seems more finite somehow.

'persecution illusion'
these two words won't quite join smoothly for me, perhaps:
'persecutional illusion' or 'persecutional delusion'


I'm not really worried about the two words not joining smoothly.  I want a slightly jagged feel, part of the agitation.

'apprehensions believed.'
ditto here, perhaps:
'apprehensions are believed.' or 'apprehensions all believed.'


again, I want the short sharp sounds of the words.

>M>If this great poem reflects your current state of mind I hope you will not take these suggestions amiss as they are merely opinions to be considered or ignored as suits -  but hey just 'cos your paranoid doesn't mean that everyone is NOT trying to get you!

thanks, the poem doesn't reflect my current state of mind in the least (which is half asleep) or it didn't before I read your post, LOL.

thanks very much for your suggestions.

Nina
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