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JLY
1st Revision: 11/7 PM

VELVET RAIN

Amidst soft falling velvet rain
under a swirling sienna sky,
two stardust lovers do proclaim
enduring devotion, ne’er go awry.

Floating on youthful innocence,
shrouded in dreamlike illusions,
fueled by passionate persistence,
harboring no dour delusions.

Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow
smitten desires run rampant
crystallizing an amorous glow,
tenderly vibrant; buoyantly brilliant.






VELVET RAIN

Amidst lightly falling velvet rain
under a swirling sienna sky,
two stardust lovers proclaim
undying devotion, ne’er go awry.

Quenched by youthful innocence,
shrouded in dreamlike illusions,
fueled by passionate persistence,
they harbor no dour delusions

Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow,
but infatuated desires run rampant
crystallizing an amorous glow,
tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.




Cleo_Serapis
Hi JOhn.

What a truly lovely poem!  :lovie:

Reminds of something that AMETHYST might pen. bookworm.gif

Here's a few ideas to start with for you.

Enjoyed this one very much! champagne.gif

[add] {delete}


Amidst lightly falling velvet rain >--- suggested change to:
'Amidst soft falling velvet rain' for meter

under a swirling sienna sky,
two stardust lovers [do] proclaim
undying devotion, ne’er go awry. >--- suggested change to: enduring affection, ne'er go awry.

Quenched by youthful innocence,
shrouded in dreamlike illusions,
fueled by passionate persistence,
they harbor no dour delusions[.]

Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow{,}
but {infatuated} [smitten] desires run rampant
crystallizing an amorous glow,
tenderly vibrant{,} [;] buoyantly brilliant.
Cathy
Hi John,

This is a beautiful illusion! *sigh*  What carefree days are youth ... most of them anyway.  I'm not so sure about today's youth.  Anyhoooo ...

{omit}[add]

Amidst {lightly falling}[misting] velvet rain
under {a} swirling sienna sky,
two stardust lovers proclaim
undying devotion, ne’er {go} awry.

[Floating on]{Quenched by} youthful innocence,  Are youth ever quenched by anything?  *smiles*
shrouded {in} dreamlike illusions,
fueled by passionate persistence,
{they} harbor[ing] no {dour} delusions[.]

Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow,
{but} infatuated desires run rampant
crystallizing {an} amorous glow,
tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.

Amidst misting velvet rain
under swirling sienna sky,
two stardust lovers proclaim
undying devotion, ne’er awry.

Floating on youthful innocence,
shrouded dreamlike illusions,
fueled by passionate persistence,
harboring no delusions.

Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow,
infatuated desires run rampant
crystallizing amorous glow,
tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.


Just an alternative you are free to ignore!  sun.gif

Cathy garfield.gif
JLY
Lori,
Thanks for your most considerate comments.  I will certainly give your comments serious thought.
JLY
JLY
Cathy,
When it comes to romance, today's youth entertains many of the same dreams as we did when we were younger, however the innocence is gone in today's fast paced world.

Just an alternative you are free to ignore!  
Cathy, I never ignore your insightful comments---I look forward to them as I do the many others I receive from our MM family. You always give me something that seems to work a little bit better.
I will make some minor changes and post the revision in a few days.

Thanks,
JLY
AMETHYST
Oh John, Your poetry always steals my heart! Such adoration between the lines and images. Such loveliness that sort of woo's the reader into daydreaming state of longing - to experience such longings... such inspiration and emotions.

The title is eye catching and fully luring to the reader. I didn't find much to nit pick at either. Some minor thoughts but nothing that is absolutely necessary. Perhaps just another avenue or minor alternatives.

Either way... Enlightning and soul soothing.

Best wishes and Big Hugs, Liz


QUOTE
VELVET RAIN

Amidst lightly falling velvet rain
under a swirling sienna sky,
two stardust lovers proclaim
undying devotion, ne’er go awry.

The tone, with that old fasioned, almost archaic tone is perfect for the images. I love the suggest Cathy has left for the substitution of 'falling to misting. Perhaps even...' amidst a misting velvet rain. Such views as L1  and sienna sky,in L2,  immediately capture the readers pleasure. The rhymes are smooth and unobtrusive.



Quenched by youthful innocence,
shrouded in dreamlike illusions,
fueled by passionate persistence,
they harbor no dour delusions

Your use of alliterative and inner rhymes makes the is silky to the ear. Beautiful work.


Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow,
but infatuated desires run rampant
crystallizing an amorous glow,
tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.



Perhaps instead of sentiments, ennuendos' ebb and flow.
JLY
Liz,
Your warm comments are very much appreciated and your suggestions are most helpful. I am always reaching out for a feminine perspective to help me improve my romantic poems and you have given me some inspiring thoughts.
Thanks,
JLY
jgdittier
Dear Jly,
Any help I can give must relate to metre. Take or reject, but keep that
"Velvet Rain" feel!

Softly falls the velvet rain
'neath a swirling sienna sky,
stardust lovers now proclaim
deep devotion 'til they die.

Floating on youthful innocence,
shrouded in dreamy illusions,
fueled by passion's persistence,
denying dour delusions...

Saccarin sentiments ebb and flow,
smitten desires run rampant.
Chrystallizing an amorphous flow,
vitally vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.

As you might know, I make all kinds of compromises for metre and  it is obvious here. Alliteration also I over-emphasized too.
I'm never upset when my out-of-the-mainstream ideas are dismissed, but I do maintain that there are usually unthought of ways to improve the verse. Think also about the innocence/persistence rhyme.
I think of trochee as rather forceful, while finding your use here rather peaceful. Another reason it interests me.
Cheers,    Ron   jgd
JLY
Ron,
I really thought I was nearing the finish point with this one until you came along and offered some very interesting and helpful comments. You have given me a couple of things I think will work and I will incorporate them into the final edition.
Thanks.
JLY
circumsolar
hello JLY, hope you don't mind me coming in here; i'm still learning about forms etc..., so maybe some of my comments will be off-base - if so i apologise :p

now as i read this, i got lost with the beats per line and wasn't sure if it was meant to run as 4343 or all 4's or if it was intended as a piece based on syllabic count... so i just read it the best i could ???
I truly loved your title - it's what made me want to read this. If you want to keep that old-fashioned tone, then 'amidst' being (a bit of a mouthful) could easily be shortened to 'midst, and i so like the first line, whether you go for 'soft-falling velvet rain' or 'softly falls the velvet rain'. I did find 'amidst misting' just too much of a tongue-wister for my taste -  i'd probably opt for jgd's version.

can i just ask a question here? when one's writing in this form - a trochée did you say it was called? - where the metrical foot is comprised of two syllables, one short one long (if i got that right)... if the line ends on a long, or stressed syllable, should the opening one of the next line be stressed or unstressed - or is that open to however one wishes to write these things? sorry, but i am sort of semi-illiterate when it comes to these things :( actually, i'll wait for enlightenment on this point first because anything else i might say depends really on this premise and i don't want to waste your time.

okay, just want to say these lines feel cumbersome to me, forced for rhyme and while keeping a hold of that feeling of innocence of days gone by, don't feel to me to do justice to the smoother tones running through this work:
'enduring devotion, ne’er go awry'
'harboring no dour delusions.'


sorry if i'm out of step here,

circumsolar
cool.gif
JLY
Dear Circumsolar,
When I write, I pay not attention to beats, syllables, etc. I am not into following strict rules for meter. I just write what I feel. I am not one of these formalists that has to have everything in perfect order.
Your suggestion about midst is a good one and I will more than likely use that on my next go around.
Thanks,
JLY
jgdittier
Dear JLY,
My "help" was aimed at a style you don't follow and so I apologize for having commented when I was advocating a style different from yours.
I apologize on bended knee.
I'm metre driven and I find comments on my postings that destroy metre in order to enhance message unhelpful.
Each of us have a right to our own style.
Your work captures my attention, so "stay the course'.
Cheers,    Ron  jgd
jgdittier
Dear JLY,
My "help" was aimed at a style you don't follow and so I apologize for having commented when I was advocating a style different from yours.
I apologize on bended knee.
I'm metre driven and I find comments on my postings that destroy metre in order to enhance message unhelpful.
Each of us have a right to our own style.
Your work captures my attention, so "stay the course'.
Cheers,    Ron  jgd
JLY
Ron,
Metre is a format device I have not mastered and it's like lightning in a bottle, on rare occasions I manage to harness it but most of the time I miss the mark.

My focus has been(if you have followed my personal development and evolvement) to become succicnt. Through the efforts of my MM peers they have all guided me in that direction. I tend to write "poetic prose" and many of my pieces are very long in both sentence/phrase structure and overall form.
I am making progress on this and hopefully I will master the nuances of meter and rhythm.
Please continue to offer your comments as I use them as a learning device; I am one who welcomes comments and more often than not, my revisions reflect the contributions of those who offer helpful suggestions.

In a day or two , I will offer yet another revision of Velvet Rain and you may hopefully find it to be a better effort.
Thanks,
JLY
jgdittier
Dear JLY,
Today I have dedicated a note book which will have a page for each poster and allow me to remember each poster's style so that I can comment helpfully.
There are (in my opinion) many members here who have learned to count syllables or to minimize metre for clarity of message.  My metre-heavy style doesn't allow me to help much to those poems. For those where metre is not major, I'll comment accordingly.
You, sir, are now my page 1!
Thany-you for your comment to Circumsolar, as I'll be more helpful to all, if I can be, in the future.
Cheers,    ron
MFK_Buckley
Hello there, what an intriguing title and interesting thread! Some lovely romantic lines,  although I find archaic language distracting. I second those suggestions made by Liz and appreciated Ron's suggestions but I wouldn't sacrifice clarity for metre.

An enjoyable read. frances
JLY
Frances,
Thank you for your nice comments; glad you enjoyed the read.
JLY
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