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Don
Revision .03 -----------------------------

              Wicker Man
    (English sonnet for Samhain)

A giant profile shape of Wicker Man
beheld in autumn’s moon with blood red eye.
A woven basket packed with damned of clan
condemned to public blaze, displayed to die.

The ancient Celtic justice judgment price
for cowards, tax unpaid, forbidden crimes;
a festive party purge of social vice,
Goliath fire to toast barbaric times.

What horrors born from man and mate on earth.
The druids read the stars and portent signs,
foresaw celestial worth of each from birth
and knew the fatal pagan flame designs.

To burn or breathe in present seems absurd,
if asked to live today by conjured word.


© 2003, D.E. Holmes
29 October 2003
-----------------------------------------
This was first posted at MM October, 2003.

              Wicker Man
     (English sonnet for Samhain)
               
A giant silhouette of wicker man
beheld in autumn moon’s blood-red eye.
A woven basket packed with damned of clan
condemned in public blaze display to die.

The ancient Celtic justice judgment price
for cowards, tax unpaid, forbidden crimes;
a festive party purge of social vice,
goliath fire to toast barbaric times.

What horrors born from man and mate on earth.
The druids read the stars and portent signs,
foresaw celestial worth of each from birth
and knew the fatal pagan flame designs.

To burn or breathe in present seems absurd,
if born to live today by conjured word.


© 2003 by D.E. Holmes
29 October 2003




Cybele
Hi Don, sun.gif

In a rush at present but I am taking this with me to read.

Meanwhile just wanted to say that I saw Edward Woodward (an English actor) in a film called The Wicker Man. One of the most frightening films I have ever seen.

Horror fims don't affect me at all but this one, in its starkness was quite terrifying. huh.gif


Back son.  wave.gif
Merlin
Hi Don,

I guess I can say I have a weakness for sonnets, having volleyed, seriesed, and a few more over the last while.  You've drawn me in.

There's a serious bump in the middle of L2, being a syllable short.

I'm curious about the capitals - does "wicker man" deserve caps?  Further down in "goliath," too.  That would be a name, like "Goliath Down."


My interest in WM is piqued.

Merlin
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Don.

What a neat sonnet! I was telling Ron yesterday that I am planning on writing my first very soon (as you know too).

Just some quick thoughts for now for S1L2:

Would a simple reversal of the words still portray the same meaning?

beheld in autumn moon’s blood-red eye.

What about this instead (and the added syllable)?

beheld in moon of autumn’s blood-red eye.

Query: In S1L4, you wrote:
condemned in public blaze display to die

Do you mean they were condemned in (a) public blaze display
OR that they were condemned in public blaze display(ed) to die?

In S2, to help with the bump in 'goliath':
a festive party purge of social vice,
goliath fire to toast barbaric times

Perhaps: colossal fires toast barbaric times. Idea.gif

I was thinking on your couplet too - is the a substitute for the word 'born' since you have already used that word in the previous stanza?

This piece really brings the pagan rituals to the forefront. A terrifying thought of rutuals of long ago.

Well done Don!
~Cleo  sun.gif




Cathy
Hi Don,

I got a chill reading this!  lol Felt like satanic ritual ... perfect for the season!

Suggestions: use or lose
{omit}[add]

A giant silhouette of wicker man
beheld in autumn moon’s blood-red eye. A syllable short ...
A woven basket packed with damned of clan
condemned in public blaze display to die.  Should "blaze" or "display" be past tense? blazed display or blaze displayed

The ancient Celtic justice judgment price
for cowards, tax unpaid, forbidden crimes;
a festive party purge of social vice,
goliath fire to toast barbaric times.

What horrors born from man and mate on earth.
The druids read the stars and portent signs,
foresaw celestial worth of each from birth
and knew the fatal pagan flame designs.

To burn or breathe in present seems absurd,
if born to live today by conjured word. [b]"Born" used here and the verse above.


I hope to be able to write sonnets half as well!  I just posted my first!  *smiles*

Cathy arwen.gif
Don
New revision posted at original start of this thread  October 31, 2005.

Thanks for your review: Cybele, Merlin, Cleo, and Cathy.

The word, "silhouette" in first line posed an iambic problem.

Don

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Merlin
Nice and smooth, Don.
In my next life, I'm coming back as a druid.

Merlin
Don
QUOTE(Merlin @ Oct. 31 2005, 21:21)
Nice and smooth, Don.
In my next life, I'm coming back as a druid.

Merlin

I sincerely appreciate you lending a superior helping hand to our modest sonnet atempts.  Practice makes perfect if one has proper guide.

Yes, I must agree those ancient druids held the safer end of the fire stick.  To be combined judge and jury didn't hurt either.  Of course, our societies still practice the horror without the warmth of a central fire screeming to heighten the joyous festivity.  

Thanks for returning with followup.

Don
Cleo_Serapis
nicerev.gif Don.

I particularly like your revised ending couplet:

To burn or breathe in present seems absurd,
if asked to live today by conjured word.


claps.gif

~Cleo  :pharoah2
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