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Zeus²

Back in 2003 at another site, Cleo introduced a series of exercise challenges, using snippets from well known poets. The following was the first one, from William Wordsworth, and this was my very first attempt at this type of exercise. (From Plato's forum)

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Is This The Place?  (Punct. Rev)

I wandered lonely streets of paradise
with my trusty Simpsons lunch box,
undressed; pure as the naked cherubs.

It occurred to me that I was being sent
to the gentleness of heaven of my own accord
in my reverie, (Most sweet it is).

I felt like a violet by a wayside stand,
to make amends for all transient sorrows,
committed... in my life.

It brings fresh pleasure to my soul;
a journey of inspiration on...
being bound by truths.

And so the grandeur of my mission
in life unfolds here today
as I enter this wondrous place.

I bring, just the touch of earthly man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
phrases given:

I wandered lonely…
The gentleness of heaven…
Pure as the naked…
A violet by a…
Most sweet it is…
Of inspiration on…
And so the grandeur…
For transient sorrows…
Brings fresh…
The touch of earthly…




Jox
Hi Larry,

Thanks for posting this.

I never feel able to write, nor to crit, external phrase-containing poems but I just wanted to say "well done."

So well done!

James.
Nina
Hi Larry

Firstly well done for incorporating those phrases so well in your poem.  I had to chuckle at the idea of you wandering naked in paradise with your Simpson's Lunch Box - the touch of earthly man that you brought with you.

My only argument is that paradise conjures an image of an idyll, the dream of where and how you would want to be, so I wouldn't imagine it as a lonely place.

I wandered lonely streets of paradise,
with my trusty Simpsons lunch box,
undressed, pure as the naked cherubs.
..perhaps a colon instead of a comma after undressed?

no more nits, just admiration.

Nina
Toumai
Hi Larry,

Oh, but this conjures some lovely ideas and images. I really enjoy the way you weave in the phrases.

I felt like a violet, by a wayside stand,
to make amends, for all transient sorrows,
committed... in my life.


I can't help wondering what a violet does feel?  butterfly.gif

Cheers,

Fran
Ephiny
Hello Larry wave.gif

This is so clever..I love the way you've used the phrases involved..so cleverly, they make marvellous images and perfect sense..I think if I did that challenge they would probably look quite forced into place but you made an excellent job of it and a very enjoyable one too, I'd say!


Love the lunchbox image..a great touch!

But my favourite is this part


I felt like a violet, by a wayside stand,
to make amends, for all transient sorrows,
committed... in my life.
beautiful!

I really enjoyed this rainbow.gif
Zeus²
Jox,
I agree with you, no more than I can say this was written totally by
me.
But they are fun to do and many interesting takes on the subject matter.
Larry
Zeus²
Nina,
have to give you some background, when I read the challenge, somehow
the image of Homer Simpson came to mind, the bungling oaf of cartoon fame.
Thought I could give him some respectability in toon" heaven.
I agree with your point about it being and idyll place, but with Homer, he was always lost. The lunch box, was just a subtle way of placing him there.
Will do the punctuation change.
Glad you enjoyed.
Larry bart.gif
Zeus²
Fran,
happy you enjoyed this. Along our country roads here, there are
lots of wildflowers growing, all types, colors etc so that's how
wayside stand came to be.
Fun doing this, and I hope Homer Simpson liked it too.
Larry bart.gif
Zeus²
Lucie,

happy you enjoyed this, as I explained above to Nina, I thought
taking a toon" character and giving it some reality
could be fun.
Had Homer carrying the lunchbox right from the beginning.
Just seemed that's the way it should have been.
Thanks
Larry bart.gif
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Larry.  :wizard:

This is one of my favorites not only of your poem portfolio, but also of the responses I've seen throughout ALL those snippet challenges. Please note that this one too is posted in The Acropolis (along with the others). Perhaps you'll try another take on these snippets?

Anyway - I'll assume you want the snippets as they are, so I offer only punctuation as I just lovie.gif the feel and hope in this one!

Well done!  :dance:  :sun:  :cloud9: bart.gif




Is This The Place?


I wandered lonely streets of paradise,
with my trusty Simpsons lunch box,   *no comma here
undressed; pure as the naked cherubs.

It occurred to me, that I was being sent  *no comma here
to the gentleness of heaven, of my own accord *no comma
in my reverie, (Most sweet it is).

I felt like a violet, {*no comma}by a wayside stand,
to make amends, for all transient sorrows,
committed... in my life.

It brings fresh pleasure, {*no comma} to my soul. {*change to semi-colon}a journey of inspiration on...
being bound by truths.

And so the grandeur of my mission
in life, unfolds here today {*no comma}
as I enter this wondrous place.

I bring, just the touch of earthly man.


So it would look like this Larry:


I wandered lonely streets of paradise
with my trusty Simpsons lunch box,
undressed; pure as the naked cherubs.

It occurred to me that I was being sent
to the gentleness of heaven of my own accord
in my reverie, (Most sweet it is).

I felt like a violet by a wayside stand,
to make amends for all transient sorrows,
committed... in my life.

It brings fresh pleasure to my soul;
a journey of inspiration on...
being bound by truths.

And so the grandeur of my mission
in life unfolds here today
as I enter this wondrous place.

I bring, just the touch of earthly man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah2
Zeus²
Hi Lor,

had lottsa fun doing these. Have made the punct. corrections

Glad you enjoyed.

Larry
Cleo_Serapis
Well done Lar!

A wonderful piece = one of my Zman favorites! lovie.gif

~Cleo galadriel.gif
Cleo_Serapis
Balloons.gif

Congrats to you Larry (up there)! claps.gif

A wonderful piece - onle of your finest! angel.gif

HUGS
~Cleo sun.gif
circumsolar
what fun, Zeus! to place monsieur Homer in paradise, with his lunchbox and without his clothes was a fantastic comedy image, livening up what had the potential to be a dull and dreary read :) It took the whole piece and gave it appeal, a modern-day outlook and the irony, man... lol  

nicely turned out.
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