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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
(Intended beat is:

Starting with "dum" as the blossoming bud
assures that the cadence has verve.
Ending line two with a "dum" leaves a thud,
a mixture of meter with nerve...

Ten is the number of syllables here,
while here you will find only eight.
Never attempt to advise you my dear,*    "Never" replaced "I'll not"
to write to this beat is my fate.

Thumping the third's** adding bounce to the beat
inspires me to hum as I read.
Reading aloud may become obsolete
for few, like myself, hold that creed.

*all fellow versers
** feet with three syllables
Hi Ron...This is a delightful ditty from my favorite dittier. I always read aloud to help my ear find the beat. This one works beautifully. I had a wee stumble in S2 L3...I wanted to start iambic. It will work as you scan but I feel it's pushing. Maybe you could make that first syll. stress more apparent there?
Enjoyed this muchly.  :jester:
Dear Sue,
I am immensely pleased to learn of my exalted status! I don't plan to please many but those I please I treasure!
I can easily see why one accustomed to read iambic could read " I'll NOT atTEMPT to adVISE you my DEAR". However, I set the pattern above and this is the fourth line, repeating the pattern established prior and in this special case where the cadence was pre-defined.
I doubt I'll ever become comfortable with decisions which involve pleasing me or pleasing the reader. I'm well aware that my paras have a very limited intereast but I greatly enjoy pleasing the folks whose poetry most pleases me and in truth, I enjoy writing them.
Thank you for your comments. There are only a few who have helped me grow (I'm out of the mainstream) but you are one of those precious few.
Cheers,     jgd
Dear Ron,

Ya done well, it being out of your usual style.

The line Sue mentioned needs an overhaul, not because I say so, but because you're not holding to your own pattern given above.  Plain and simple, it starts weak.

Suggested re-write could be:
Never to tempt or advise you my dear,*

Thataway, you'd maintain NEV-er without question, it never is nev-ER.

There tis

Dear Merlin,
Funny, I still have no trouble reading it the way I thought others would, but  both you and Sue cannot be wrong.
Thanks for the help.
Cheers,     jgd
Hi jgdittier,

S2,L3:  NEVer atTEMPT to adVISE you my DEAR
reads exactly like your intended pattern.

Enjoyed this immensely.

Don   :pharoah2
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