Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Drought
JaxMyth
post Mar 11 07, 23:44
Post #1


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



..


I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes.

We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_Don_*
post Mar 12 07, 08:35
Post #2





Guest






Hi JaxMyth,

You certainly depict lyric images such as, "the earth coughs dust as rich as blood."

I wondered about the material of the post, but assume it is metal, like the barbed wire.

Enjoyed the futility of proper fence strength projection against weather, such as drought.

Thanks for sharing this excellent composition.

Don
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 12 07, 18:23
Post #3


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Don @ Mar 13 07, 00:35 ) [snapback]92688[/snapback]
Hi JaxMyth,

You certainly depict lyric images such as, "the earth coughs dust as rich as blood."

I wondered about the material of the post, but assume it is metal, like the barbed wire.

Enjoyed the futility of proper fence strength projection against weather, such as drought.

Thanks for sharing this excellent composition.

Don


Hi Don,

There is a growing trend to use galvanised steel corner posts they are expensive but if a fire comes through the galvanising becomes compromised and they rust out. I use a timber called white mahogany it is resists rot quite well. But more and more of our forests in Australia are being tied up with bureaucratic tape and White Mahogany is in short supply. I may yet be constrained to change. I would like to think that I will outlive my current fences *smile*

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Mar 13 07, 18:51
Post #4


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Jax

You have some wonderful imagery in this well written piece and there is little to pick at, but I'll offer a few thoughts -- use or lose!


QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Mar 12 07, 04:44 ) [snapback]92674[/snapback]
I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

L1 -- I keep wanting to say 'first' at the start of the line
First we sink the corner posts, as each defines a neighbour.

Personally I'm not keen on the repeats in L2&3 -- but that could just be me!

It is here where the bottom six inches are [the] most important,
[It is here] where the strength is muscled into the fence.


The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces, writhing like a black snake in my hand.

I love the wording in this stanza. 'Tamp' is a word I don't here often and reminds me of my mother -- one of the words she used.

We snug the stays and tighten [the] wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


II

The fence cannot hold back [the] drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

Wonderful imagery here

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into [the] wire,
heads nailed down by [the] sun.

You have a wonderful way with words

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.



I have deleted some of your 'the's as there seems to be a lot of them -- but it's your call.

I've enjoyed buidling this fence

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
bbnixon
post Mar 14 07, 06:59
Post #5


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



JaxMyth,

I have come by and read this poem several times, and I enjoyed it very much, I am new here, and am unsure what type of crits people like, but like to approach my crits from a reader perspective. I would suggest that you trim some of the extraneous words, make it a little leaner, so the that the great imagery that you use has a heavier impact, that it sinks in. Also I am not sure if you need the I and II, as the poem is not that long, and I believe the reader can make the transition to new thought without them. Drought something I understand and close to my heart as I am a gardener and we are in our 7th year of restricted water use, and it is spring, and this year, the drought restrictions on water use were never lifted. I am going to take the liberty of triming one of the strophes, as an example...you can use it or lose it...just wanted to offer it up as a suggestion. I also have some favorite parts...

QUOTE
Example of leaner

We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbour.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.



QUOTE
Favorite parts

the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

this is very cool

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

I love this

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.

this one is fantastic



I enjoyed you poem very much, thank-you for sharing.

Hope your day is good.

:) bebe


·······IPB·······

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Mar 14 07, 09:28
Post #6


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hi Jax,

There is a lot to chew on in this poem. You've included quite a few metaphorical lines which are like trigger lines, triggering thoughts and associations that speak of something else underlying the building of a fence. In L1, 'each defines a neighbor' to me is brilliant - as the four corners, the first steps to bringing distance and 'showing' neighbors their place so to speak is defined by the putting up fences. I also wanted to commend you on so many word choices that make the imagery explode through out the poem.

What I am a bit confused about and of course it is most likely that I am not familiar with a specific connection of the two, but I cannot think of the linkage between a drought and a fence - perhaps, it is all in the metaphor of lacking graces among one another, a drought of something other than rain or water - a drought of civilities? ... I would appreciate some further look inside that connection.

Some other thoughts I had was some of the repetitions aren't working for this reader, there are also many 'THE's that can be put to better use IMO.

ALlow me to go through stanza's and perhaps point out brillant points to reference and where I would make some minor changes to improve it.

Best Regards, Liz




QUOTE
I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

L1; Of course, good use of sink/ but I really did think that 'each defines a neighbour.' was a worthy image which in my mind, implies deeper more interlocking interpretations.
L2/L3 I interpret as a dual metaphor, that these four points, these corner points are where support and articulate crafting is most important (both for building the fence and establishing boundaries and relationships with bordering neighbors, where the 'depth' and sturdiness of the materials are most important as it supports the 4 sides and how staunch against the forces of nature, both weather and human' On my first few reads, while trying to contemplate the meaning, I felt the repeat of "It is here where the - ' was unnecessary, but after making my own sense of it, I felt it was to emphasize the importance of these points. Of course I am not sure if I am right, this is how it reads to me! wink.gif I felt you used excellent choice words (sink, defined, muscled) these all to me have dual meanings relative to the metaphors that keep popping up during my read.

Some nits, I like Snow's suggestion for L1, 'First we sink the corner posts, as each defines a neighbour.' Another suggestion is to try and weed out some of these 'the's -Perhpas ...

First, we sink the corner posts, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are most important.
It is here where strength is muscled into the fence.



The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces, writhing like a black snake in my hand.

Again, I like the word choices 'heart/foot' the connection to the body, and in my mind it reflected the relationships between neighbors - heart becoming friendly, caring being neighborly, and yet, foot - knowing where to step, old cliche' sayings come to mind... mind your step, or watch where you step, don't over step your boundaries... and yet, the duality of the line, also emphasizes the importance of exactly what holds a fence together (the heart of it) is created by being exact in how the posts are secured into the ground, too far down, offsets it, a little too high, weakens it-
Loved the word tamp

In L3, perhaps 'then bounces, writhing like a black snake in my hand.



We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


I liked the duality of stays, the feeling comes in here as the narrator reinforcing both the fence and the notice that he/she is here to stay-digging heels in, making roots and going to 'stay' -

Again some of the the's aren't needed...
perhaps ..
We snug the stays and tighten wires, (or mesh wire, thick wire, cut wire something else)
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.



II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

This is an extremely powerful stanza. L1, I am not sure if I understand it right... the drought has been drying, withering away the earth, making it brittle, weak - as well as lack of civility among neighbors? ...
Loved the images of L2/3 - This could be a poem all on its own.

Some weeding of the the's -

Our fence cannot hold back the drought-
sky aches blue, sun gets green;
earth coughs dust as rich as blood.


My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

Again, only 'the' nits -
L1, '...a rock.'
L2 ...into wire.
L3, nice...


Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.


Good ending. Yet. I am still a little confused. And I think it is me and my lack of worldiness-is the fence put up to house/hold/pen sheep? ...

I'll wait for further - so I can then get over my embarrassment! LOL



Best Regards, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 15 07, 00:49
Post #7


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 14 07, 10:51 ) [snapback]92756[/snapback]
Hi Jax

You have some wonderful imagery in this well written piece and there is little to pick at, but I'll offer a few thoughts -- use or lose!


QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Mar 12 07, 04:44 ) [snapback]92674[/snapback]
I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

L1 -- I keep wanting to say 'first' at the start of the line
First we sink the corner posts, as each defines a neighbour.

Personally I'm not keen on the repeats in L2&3 -- but that could just be me!

It is here where the bottom six inches are [the] most important,
[It is here] where the strength is muscled into the fence.


The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces, writhing like a black snake in my hand.

I love the wording in this stanza. 'Tamp' is a word I don't here often and reminds me of my mother -- one of the words she used.

We snug the stays and tighten [the] wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


II

The fence cannot hold back [the] drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

Wonderful imagery here

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into [the] wire,
heads nailed down by [the] sun.

You have a wonderful way with words

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.



I have deleted some of your 'the's as there seems to be a lot of them -- but it's your call.

I've enjoyed buidling this fence

Snow Snowflake.gif



Thank you Snow much appreciated.

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 15 07, 00:52
Post #8


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (bbnixon @ Mar 14 07, 22:59 ) [snapback]92780[/snapback]
JaxMyth,

I have come by and read this poem several times, and I enjoyed it very much, I am new here, and am unsure what type of crits people like, but like to approach my crits from a reader perspective. I would suggest that you trim some of the extraneous words, make it a little leaner, so the that the great imagery that you use has a heavier impact, that it sinks in. Also I am not sure if you need the I and II, as the poem is not that long, and I believe the reader can make the transition to new thought without them. Drought something I understand and close to my heart as I am a gardener and we are in our 7th year of restricted water use, and it is spring, and this year, the drought restrictions on water use were never lifted. I am going to take the liberty of triming one of the strophes, as an example...you can use it or lose it...just wanted to offer it up as a suggestion. I also have some favorite parts...

QUOTE
Example of leaner

We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbour.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.



QUOTE
Favorite parts

the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

this is very cool

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

I love this

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.

this one is fantastic



I enjoyed you poem very much, thank-you for sharing.

Hope your day is good.

:) bebe



Many thanks bebe

We are drought declared, recent rain did not change our status. We are in what is called green drought, a flush of green on the surface but tinder dry beneath.

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 15 07, 00:58
Post #9


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Mar 15 07, 01:28 ) [snapback]92789[/snapback]
Hi Jax,

There is a lot to chew on in this poem. You've included quite a few metaphorical lines which are like trigger lines, triggering thoughts and associations that speak of something else underlying the building of a fence. In L1, 'each defines a neighbor' to me is brilliant - as the four corners, the first steps to bringing distance and 'showing' neighbors their place so to speak is defined by the putting up fences. I also wanted to commend you on so many word choices that make the imagery explode through out the poem.

What I am a bit confused about and of course it is most likely that I am not familiar with a specific connection of the two, but I cannot think of the linkage between a drought and a fence - perhaps, it is all in the metaphor of lacking graces among one another, a drought of something other than rain or water - a drought of civilities? ... I would appreciate some further look inside that connection.

I could say just the drought and be truthful but as in all written word the undercurrents run deeply.

Some other thoughts I had was some of the repetitions aren't working for this reader, there are also many 'THE's that can be put to better use IMO.

ALlow me to go through stanza's and perhaps point out brillant points to reference and where I would make some minor changes to improve it.

Best Regards, Liz




QUOTE
I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

L1; Of course, good use of sink/ but I really did think that 'each defines a neighbour.' was a worthy image which in my mind, implies deeper more interlocking interpretations.
L2/L3 I interpret as a dual metaphor, that these four points, these corner points are where support and articulate crafting is most important (both for building the fence and establishing boundaries and relationships with bordering neighbors, where the 'depth' and sturdiness of the materials are most important as it supports the 4 sides and how staunch against the forces of nature, both weather and human' On my first few reads, while trying to contemplate the meaning, I felt the repeat of "It is here where the - ' was unnecessary, but after making my own sense of it, I felt it was to emphasize the importance of these points. Of course I am not sure if I am right, this is how it reads to me! wink.gif I felt you used excellent choice words (sink, defined, muscled) these all to me have dual meanings relative to the metaphors that keep popping up during my read.

Some nits, I like Snow's suggestion for L1, 'First we sink the corner posts, as each defines a neighbour.' Another suggestion is to try and weed out some of these 'the's -Perhpas ...

First, we sink the corner posts, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are most important.
It is here where strength is muscled into the fence.



The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces, writhing like a black snake in my hand.

Again, I like the word choices 'heart/foot' the connection to the body, and in my mind it reflected the relationships between neighbors - heart becoming friendly, caring being neighborly, and yet, foot - knowing where to step, old cliche' sayings come to mind... mind your step, or watch where you step, don't over step your boundaries... and yet, the duality of the line, also emphasizes the importance of exactly what holds a fence together (the heart of it) is created by being exact in how the posts are secured into the ground, too far down, offsets it, a little too high, weakens it-
Loved the word tamp

In L3, perhaps 'then bounces, writhing like a black snake in my hand.



We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


I liked the duality of stays, the feeling comes in here as the narrator reinforcing both the fence and the notice that he/she is here to stay-digging heels in, making roots and going to 'stay' -

Again some of the the's aren't needed...
perhaps ..
We snug the stays and tighten wires, (or mesh wire, thick wire, cut wire something else)
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.



II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

This is an extremely powerful stanza. L1, I am not sure if I understand it right... the drought has been drying, withering away the earth, making it brittle, weak - as well as lack of civility among neighbors? ...
Loved the images of L2/3 - This could be a poem all on its own.

Some weeding of the the's -

Our fence cannot hold back the drought-
sky aches blue, sun gets green;
earth coughs dust as rich as blood.


My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

Again, only 'the' nits -
L1, '...a rock.'
L2 ...into wire.
L3, nice...


Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.


Good ending. Yet. I am still a little confused. And I think it is me and my lack of worldiness-is the fence put up to house/hold/pen sheep? ...

The fence here could be any fence. But the Farmer's bitter request is "Feed my sheep!" When times are kinder I run cattle with my horses, but now the cattle are long gone and my breeding herd is down by half.

Thank you and kind regards,

Jax



I'll wait for further - so I can then get over my embarrassment! LOL



Best Regards, Liz


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_Kathy_*
post Mar 15 07, 08:45
Post #10





Guest






Vivid gutsy work, Jax. As usual.

For me, the first stanza describes the mechanics of putting up a fence. The corner posts define the placement of the posts between; their neighbours. There is vast space between the inhabitants of this place.
I feel the rhythm of the effort, brute muscle pouring strength through the fence, driving it into the land.


QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Mar 12 07, 14:44 ) [snapback]92674[/snapback]
I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

Ah, the song of the wires. Love the detail. There is such connection here, those taut wires almost like a living thing, and there must be pride too, in achieving this tightness, for without it the fence will not sustain heat and crumbled earth; each string supports the next.

the division sings a warning. I'd love to hear that.


The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes.

We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

Here is the crux of the poem. Very well put.


My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.


I'm wondering if the eagles are part of the fence, the tighteners perhaps, with metal wings that pull at the wire?


Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.


Oh lor. What a thing to see. I can only imagine, but you have brought it close; you must see a lot of this. It must break inside a farmer to watch livestock die. The image fading in the lamb's eye is poignant.

I can't crit at this stage Jax. Think I'll sit here in the shade for a while. Whew.
.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 15 07, 20:38
Post #11


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (Kathy @ Mar 16 07, 00:45 ) [snapback]92844[/snapback]
Vivid gutsy work, Jax. As usual.

For me, the first stanza describes the mechanics of putting up a fence. The corner posts define the placement of the posts between; their neighbours. There is vast space between the inhabitants of this place.
I feel the rhythm of the effort, brute muscle pouring strength through the fence, driving it into the land.


QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Mar 12 07, 14:44 ) [snapback]92674[/snapback]
I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

Ah, the song of the wires. Love the detail. There is such connection here, those taut wires almost like a living thing, and there must be pride too, in achieving this tightness, for without it the fence will not sustain heat and crumbled earth; each string supports the next.

the division sings a warning. I'd love to hear that.


The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes.

We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

Here is the crux of the poem. Very well put.


My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.


I'm wondering if the eagles are part of the fence, the tighteners perhaps, with metal wings that pull at the wire?


Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.


Oh lor. What a thing to see. I can only imagine, but you have brought it close; you must see a lot of this. It must break inside a farmer to watch livestock die. The image fading in the lamb's eye is poignant.

I can't crit at this stage Jax. Think I'll sit here in the shade for a while. Whew.
.


What a delight Kathy to have you here. I am only new myself.

Thank you and regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Mar 15 07, 21:37
Post #12


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hi Jan,

No, the title is fine. As I was reading it I was reading a dual meaning, the metaphor connecting crafting (building a fence) while building relationships and not really thinking along the lines of where the drought comes in. How the title connected to me was perhaps a drought of relationships as there is distance in the poem from house to house...

I happen to love this poem and think it works as is... (with a tweak perhaps to omit some of the 'the's ... LOL )

This is a pleasure to read, to ponder and to expose our members to the polished crafting that you've offered us. Thank you!

Best Wishes, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 16 07, 20:05
Post #13


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Mar 16 07, 13:37 ) [snapback]92880[/snapback]
Hi Jan,

No, the title is fine. As I was reading it I was reading a dual meaning, the metaphor connecting crafting (building a fence) while building relationships and not really thinking along the lines of where the drought comes in. How the title connected to me was perhaps a drought of relationships as there is distance in the poem from house to house...

I happen to love this poem and think it works as is... (with a tweak perhaps to omit some of the 'the's ... LOL )

This is a pleasure to read, to ponder and to expose our members to the polished crafting that you've offered us. Thank you!

Best Wishes, Liz


Many thanks Liz you are very kind.

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_kerri_*
post Mar 16 07, 23:40
Post #14





Guest






You've got a great poem going on here, Jax.

I like the steady, measured building of the fence
that combines the physical and psychological
necessity of fences.

In the first stanza, I would leave out the "it is where"
and tighten the lines:

We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbor.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.


I like the second stanza:

"The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes."

I love that heart of a fence lies in its foot
as it made me think of the strength of a fence
or a heart and how strongly it is footed.

This stanza as metaphor is great:

"We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning."

Oh, those times in life when we need
to tighten the wire, and those divisions
that sing or sign a warning.

It does take us a while to hear them, doesn't it.

In this line, I thought there could be another image
that might fit bettter than hunker down...but that is just me.

"My bones hunker down beside the rock."

There are some lines I would tighten.
Ok, just some ideas on the way I would play
with your poem. As always take or leave what works for you or does not.



We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbor.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.

The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes.

We snug stays and tighten wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice,
the division sings a warning.

The fence I built cannot hold back drought,
the sky aches blue and sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust thick as blood.

My bones lie down beside a rock,
watch eagles hang, wings wind into wire.
heads are nailed down by the sun.

I watch my image fade
in the eye of of lamb.


Just some quick thougths.

Take or leave what works for you.

take care, kerri
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JaxMyth
post Mar 18 07, 19:29
Post #15


Creative Chieftain
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 331
Joined: 7-March 07
From: Oz
Member No.: 408
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:IBPC participant list



QUOTE (kerri @ Mar 17 07, 15:40 ) [snapback]92923[/snapback]
You've got a great poem going on here, Jax.

I like the steady, measured building of the fence
that combines the physical and psychological
necessity of fences.

In the first stanza, I would leave out the "it is where"
and tighten the lines:

We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbor.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.


I like the second stanza:

"The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes."

I love that heart of a fence lies in its foot
as it made me think of the strength of a fence
or a heart and how strongly it is footed.

This stanza as metaphor is great:

"We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning."

Oh, those times in life when we need
to tighten the wire, and those divisions
that sing or sign a warning.

It does take us a while to hear them, doesn't it.

In this line, I thought there could be another image
that might fit bettter than hunker down...but that is just me.

"My bones hunker down beside the rock."

There are some lines I would tighten.
Ok, just some ideas on the way I would play
with your poem. As always take or leave what works for you or does not.



We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbor.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.

The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes.

We snug stays and tighten wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice,
the division sings a warning.

The fence I built cannot hold back drought,
the sky aches blue and sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust thick as blood.

My bones lie down beside a rock,
watch eagles hang, wings wind into wire.
heads are nailed down by the sun.

I watch my image fade
in the eye of of lamb.


Just some quick thougths.

Take or leave what works for you.

take care, kerri



Many thanks Kerri, greatly appreciated.

Regards,

Jax


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 24 07, 09:52
Post #16


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hello Jax. wave.gif

What a poignat piece. Some of the things I noted while reading through are the ease of how you convey the story, with each stanza adding to the drama and the realization of the drought to the fence that divides us (that barrier we must face from time to time).

I have a few ideas below for you to ponder as you wish.
Enjoyed this very much!
~Cleo farmer.gif


[add] {delete} (comment)


I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

I have a slight change on this opening stanza as follows:
We sink the corner posts first, each defining a neighbour.
It’s here where the bottom six inches is most important.
Here, where the strength is muscled into the fence.


The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
{the bar} [as it] bounces and writhes.

We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note {is} tensioned into voice[;]
the division sings a warning. ( or:
a warning is sung by this division. )


II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.
(Nice imagery! Another idea is;
“The earth hemorrhages dust.”)


My bones {hunker down} [roost] beside the rock. (for alliteration)
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.
Very powerful stanza!

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.
How sad but well done !


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd November 2019 - 18:27




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: