Seasonal Tapestry, Brief look at seasons :suncloud: Options

[Peterpan]

 


Second Edit:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lies scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her frigid gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.



First Edit:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lies scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her white, frigid gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.




Original Posting:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lay scattered on the ground.
Winter shed her white gown.
Spring bloomed with blessings of colour.
Summer warmed with salutary sunshine.



PP

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Bev

Interesting - a very minimalist look at the four seasons.   The Winter line seems particularly apt today as it's been snowing for much of the morning, though now turned to rain and didn't settle.

My one question is to ask why you put the poem in the past tense since the seasons are cyclical.

One thought for Autumn - you could say Autumn leaves scattered on the ground

Nina

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev

Interesting - a very minimalist look at the four seasons.   The Winter line seems particularly apt today as it's been snowing for much of the morning, though now turned to rain and didn't settle.

My one question is to ask why you put the poem in the past tense since the seasons are cyclical.

B> I know, I was unsure how to address that.


One thought for Autumn - you could say Autumn leaves scattered on the ground

B>You mean Autumn 'leaves' leaves scattered on the ground! Yes. A thought.

Nina

Thanks for reading Nina!

PP

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Bev,

Well done.

Yes, my thought was - as I see Nina says - why the past tense?

Cheers, J.

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev,

Well done.

Yes, my thought was - as I see Nina says - why the past tense?

B> How do I address that? All present tense?

Cheers, J.

Thanks for reading James!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi pp,

Pleasant view of the seasons ...  :sun:

Autumn lay scattered on the ground.
Winter shed her white gown. This line feels a bit short compared to the others.  What about adding 'velvet' between 'white' and 'gown'?
Spring bloomed with blessings of colour.
Summer warmed with salutary sunshine.

As to the tense, would this work?

Autumn lays scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her white velvet gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.

Oh I can't wait for spring!  lol

Cathy

[Peterpan]

Thank you Cathy!

Thanks for the advice!

mmm we are going into Autumn after torrid tropical rains here! Everything is very green and beautiful but, I can see the poplar trees shedding the odd yellow leaves - hoping we will not notice their preparation. (Actually I think they are plain (?) trees.)

PP

:)

[Peterpan]

Hello!

Edited my poem! Grateful thanks for all the readings!

PP

:)

[Guest_Jox_*]

Well done, Bev.

A frigid strip-tease - now there's a strange thought. Must be working at one of those seasonal clubs the Laps have up there.

J.

[Cyn]

your rewrite works very well. I like this!
Cyn

[Guest_manofwords73_*]

Hi Bev,
I have to say I liked the first version for its shortened second line. I do, however, like the use of present tense in the second revision. Anytime a poem speaks in present tense it makes us look twice. I guess the norm to all writing is past tense, but to put something in the present is a sign of the author taking risks. I like that. It's both a challenge to read and write, as your mind isn't used to dealing with events of a present nature through the act of reading. We are all used to seeing these things happen in real-time, three-dimensional, live action. Your mind automatically thinks of something you read as having taken place in the past. Thus present tense is somewhat a shock to the system.

To get back to the second line of your poem, I rather liked the first draft of that. It was simple, short, pointed. Totally unlike the winter, which can be slow and excruciating and aimless in its length of time. Some years it seems winter will go on forever. Through this one line you present a striking juxtoposition to the season. Also, to use the words "frigid" and "white" when referring to winter is far too cliched.

Thanks for the read.

:pharoah2

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev,
I have to say I liked the first version for its shortened second line. I do, however, like the use of present tense in the second revision. Anytime a poem speaks in present tense it makes us look twice. I guess the norm to all writing is past tense, but to put something in the present is a sign of the author taking risks. I like that. It's both a challenge to read and write, as your mind isn't used to dealing with events of a present nature through the act of reading. We are all used to seeing these things happen in real-time, three-dimensional, live action. Your mind automatically thinks of something you read as having taken place in the past. Thus present tense is somewhat a shock to the system.

To get back to the second line of your poem, I rather liked the first draft of that. It was simple, short, pointed. Totally unlike the winter, which can be slow and excruciating and aimless in its length of time. Some years it seems winter will go on forever. Through this one line you present a striking juxtoposition to the season. Also, to use the words "frigid" and "white" when referring to winter is far too cliched.

Thanks for the read.

:pharoah2

Hello Kenneth~

As I have said before your crits are interesting and valued. You have a slightly different view and are received and noted. I have given the poem some thought over a period of time and although short and sweet it has generated a lot of debate. Possibly because of its very common content.

I was not sure of the state of 'tense' and was advised by James, Nina and Cathy to alter to present tense. Perhaps I should still just have it as:

Seasonal Tapestry

Autumn lies scattered on the ground.
Winter sheds her white gown.
Spring blooms with blessings of colour.
Summer warms with salutary sunshine.

Simple is possibly best? To be honest we do not have snow here in Johannesburg often - every ten years and considering our last two winters, global warming is here, so I used a lot of poetic licence to write this one. I needed the contrast.

On the other hand 'frigid' does describe a hard, cold winter?

Thanks for reading! Much appreciated.

PP

[Peterpan]

your rewrite works very well. I like this!
Cyn

Thanks Cyn!

Possibly still debating!

Thanks for reading and the encouragement!

PP

[Peterpan]

Well done, Bev.

A frigid strip-tease - now there's a strange thought. Must be working at one of those seasonal clubs the Laps have up there.

J.

James!

I knew it would appeal to the male-mind! - one of those clubs where 'you can't touch' the wares!



As you can see by Kenneth's comments and my response. I may change it and take out the white and just leave the frigid!? I'll think about it some more...

PP

[Peterpan]

Hello!

I am female! I changed my mind! 2nd Edit.

PP

:)

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Bev

I'm not sure "Winter sheds her frigid gown"  works for me.  It seems to convey more a sense of freedome from constraints rather than a blanket of snow falling.

I tend to agree with Kenneth that

Winter sheds her white gown

was better

If you want to keep frigid gown in, then I think you need to turn the idea around and say

Winter dons her frigid/icy/glacial gown

but as always your poem, your choices.

Nina

[Peterpan]

Hello Nina!

Thanks for the input. I will think about it further.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

PP

PS Hope you are not too cold!

[Cyn]

well if you want more 2 cents, what are you up to now about a dime LOL

winter wears her glacial gown

and my twisted mind wants to make the last line say

summer warms a winter heart

Have fun with it!

[Peterpan]

:)

Thanks Cyn!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi pp,

It seems as though you are doing a one-line description of the seasons (and I must say you've done a good job of it) but if that's the case then 'winter sheds her white gown' is a little off. That sounds more like a description of winter melting into spring and not a description of winter itself.  I agree with Nina about using 'dons' instead of 'sheds'.  

winter dons her frigid gown or whatever word you choose to use.  *smiles*

Then you are describing winter putting on a blanket of white for the season.  Does that make any sense?  lol

Cathy