No Snow Yet Big Enough., a poem Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

When mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills and lays down the deep comforter of white filled banks.
Then it is when I look out and remember
tunnels dug judicially thru mounds of plowed up white.
Snowballs thrown and returned in kind,
of climbing to the peak of the roof and jumping off into oblivion,
only to find the softness of white surrounding and hands
that reached in to pull me out and going in for hot cocoa.

Memories of winters long forgot and laid down in a distant
past, and of wishing now how much I envy that young boy.
And could go back and make him jump off that roof one more time, just for the shear joy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reviased and redited....




No Snow Yet Big Enough.

When mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills
and lays down the deep comforter of white.
That is when I look out and remember
tunnels dug judicially through mounds of plowed up snow.
Snowballs thrown and returned in kind,
of climbing to roof’s peak;
jumping off into oblivion,
to find the soft whiteness surrounding me
and hands that reached in to pull me out;
going in for hot cocoa.

Memories of Winters long forgotten
laid down in a distant past,
how much I envy that young boy.
Wishing I could go back,
and make him jump off that roof one more time,
just for the shear joy.

good memory here,,,, one of few....


















`

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve

If only we could occasionally turn back time and recapture some of the carefree times of childhood.  I enjoyed this look back at your past and the fun you had in the snow.

A few thoughts for you.  It is your poem so use or reject me suggestions as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment

When mid-{w}[W]inter gathers up her lacy frills and lays down the deep comforter of white filled banks{.}[;]  ...lovely description of snow
{Then it is when} I look out and remember
tunnels dug judicially thr{u}[ough] mounds of plowed up white{.}[;]
{S}[s]nowballs thrown and returned in kind{,}[;]
{of} climbing to {the peak of the} roof['s peak;] {and} jumping off into oblivion,
{only} to find the softness of white surrounding[,] and hands
that reached in to pull me out[;] {and going in for} hot cocoa [when I went inside].

Memories of {w}[W]inters long forgot{ten}[,] {and} laid down in a distant
past{, and of wishing now how much}[How] I envy that young boy{.}
{A}[a]nd [wish I} could go back and make him jump off that roof one more time, just for the shear joy.

I would also suggest rearranging some of the lines slightly.  Here it is without all the twiddly bits.  You could also delete a few more "and" but I know some people think I get rid of too many so I've left them in.

When mid-Winter gathers up her lacy frills
and lays down the deep comforter of white filled banks;  
I look out and remember
tunnels dug judicially through mounds of plowed up white;
snowballs thrown and returned in kind;
climbing to roof's peak;
jumping off into oblivion,
to find the softness of white surrounding
and hands that reached in to pull me out;
hot cocoa when I went inside.

Memories of Winters long forgotten,
laid down in a distant past
How I envy that young boy
and wish I could go back
and make him jump off that roof one more time,
just for the shear joy.

Hope there is something there you like

Nina

[Cyn]

When mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills and lays down the deep comforter of white filled banks.
Then it is when I look out and remember
tunnels dug judicially thru mounds of plowed up white.
Snowballs thrown and returned in kind,
of climbing to the peak of the roof and jumping off into oblivion,
only to find the softness of white surrounding and hands
that reached in to pull me out and going in for hot cocoa.

Memories of winters long forgot and laid down in a distant
past, and of wishing now how much I envy that young boy.
And could go back and make him jump off that roof one more time, just for the shear joy.

This is a very sweet nostalgic piece and I do have a few suggestions for you to take or leave.

See what you think:

When mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills (Line break)
and lays down her deep comforter of white filled banks, great imagery
that is when I look out and remember;
tunnels dug judicially thru mounds of plowed up white. (maybe snow since you use white above?)
Snowballs thrown, and returned in kind,
and climbing, roof to peak  (line Break)
to jump into oblivion,
only to find the softness of white surrounding (line break)
warm hands that reached in to pull me out and bring me in for hot cocoa.

Memories of winters long forgotten (line break)
and laid down in a distant past, and of wishing now
How much I envy that young boy.
And wish I could go back and jump
off that roof one more time,
just for the sheer joy. sp on sheer

I have also put line breaks where I "hear" them, but this may not be how you want it heard

So it would look like this:

When mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills
and lays down her deep comforter of white ,
that is when I look out and remember;

tunnels dug thru mounds of plowed up snow,
snowballs thrown, returned in kind,
and climbing roof to peak,  
to jump into oblivion,
only to find softness surrounding,

warm hands that reached
to pull me out and bring me in
for cocoa,

memories of winters long forgotten
and laid down in a distant past.

How much I envy that young boy.
And wish I could go back and jump
from that roof one more time,

just for sheer joy.

I Might even consider leaving that last line off and ending on the word time. Just some ideas for you to ponder

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Steve,

I did crit this but ended up with far too many edits to make my suggestions comprehendible. I have, therefore, scrapped that and simply present my suggestions. I'm sorry they do seem rather further away from your original than I would wish - but they are virtually all your words - few exceptions. Please remember - it is your poem, not mine and I really don't mind if you disagree with everything I suggest - just some ideas for tightening etc.

I assumed that "plowed" was the correct spelling in your neck of the planet? My spell-checker balked at it (we spell it "ploughed") but, given it is phonetically logical I think it must be correct? (I know the UK and US spell "thru / through" differently because Fran spells it as you do (see MM is educational!)

Just one other problem...

"Memories of winters long forgot"

Logical problem here. Memories of something forgotten?

PS: I don't usually read other crits before I post mine (and haven't now) so please forgive and contradictions or duplications of other critters' comments.

Best wishes and thanks for the read of this Winter warmer.

James.

=====================================================


Mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills
and lays comforts down-deep in white-filled banks.

I look out, remembering
tunnels dug thru plowed mounds of white;
snowballs thrown and returned in kind;
of climbing to roof's peak,
jumping into oblivion...

Landing amid white cushioning;
hands reaching to pull me out.
Then into the house for hot cocoa.

Memories returning...
of winters long forgot -
laid down in a distant past;
envy of that young boy
and wistful wishing to return
and make him jump off that roof
one more time - for shear joy.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi again, Steve,

I have now read your other crits.

Things we seem to agree on:

1. Your line-lengths are sometimes too long
2. You sometimes have used too many words.

Now, as with everything in art, these are matters of opinion. Just because three critters think those things, it doesn't mean we're right. Cyn is a tight writer; Nina and I are usually very minimal. You may be wise seeing if other writers crit. Lori, for example, is more wordy / less minimal than I.

If you like the advice, by all means take it - but I don't want you to be pressurised by the weight of three people all on the minimalist side of poetry. As always, it's your poem.

Best wishes, James.

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Steve

Just to say I like this and will keep a look out to see how you revise after the crits.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_circumsolar_*]

When mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills and lays down the deep comforter of white filled banks.
Then it is when I look out and remember
tunnels dug judicially thru mounds of plowed up white.
Snowballs thrown and returned in kind,
of climbing to the peak of the roof and jumping off into oblivion,
only to find the softness of white surrounding and hands
that reached in to pull me out and going in for hot cocoa.

first let  me say this conjures welcoming and warm images of childhood. secondly i'd have to agree with some others' ideas as to revision. but thirdly, while you no-doubt wish to keep this as a free verse piece, it has some music to it that automatically says this would lend itself to specific rhythms. Cyn had some well-founded suggestions for this, and these are mine - just ideas as usual that may help you not one iota :)

Mid-winter gathers up her lacy frills,
lays down deep comforter of white-filled banks,
it's then when I look out, remembering
tunnels engineered thru mounds of plowed-up white.

Soft missiles thrown, explode - returned in kind;
of climbing to the heights of snow-bound roof;
the jumping off into the perfect white,
surprised to find the crystal stillness all around
and hands that reached on in to pull me out;
once-found, the going in
for hot cocoa.


okay, that was just a quick idea but this is what your piece said to me. Do you really need that added weight of those extra lines? imo you don't since the wistfulness implied for days gone by already exists, leaving no great need to belabour the point.

anyway, my 2 bob's worth, use or lose

ohsoproper  

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

circum solar  two bob  wow eight more and i can have a pound..... I must be a skinflint i only give two cents or tupence.....been too long since i last left the UK... sure do miss a lot of things... but not the costs....lol.
steve

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Steve...

You have been away too long - pop back and say "Hi"

Two "bob" (slang) = Two shillings and there are twenty shillings to the poind (so you'd need another eighteen - I expect that is the number you were thinking of).

But! shillings disappeared on Monday 15th February, 1971 - almost 35 years ago, I'm afraid. (Yes, seems like yesterday). Now we simply have 100p = £1 - which is one humdred pence.

Pre 1971:

240 pence = £1 and a penny was represented by "d" not "p" as now.

and 20 shillings = £1 - represented as 20/-

NB: one shilling and three pence (eg) shown as 1/3

So, 1/- = 12d (A bob)

Other things were:

Tanner = 6d
Crown = 5/-
Half-a-Crown = 2/6
Guinea = 21/-
Farthing = Quarter of 1d (abolished 1964)

No wonder we were all confused!

Cheers, J.

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Don't forget the 12 sided thrupenny bit. 3d http://www.tclayton.demon.co.uk/pics/three.html

And a two-bob bit used to be called a florin http://www.tclayton.demon.co.uk/pics/florn.html

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Ah yes I remember 2/6  still hsve sixpence we saved to put in shoes for weddings.  I guess i will have to come back when i am not so tired..
Stve