 PEDESTRIAN, RE-EDITED acrostic ethere |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Dec 30 05, 12:40
Post
#1
|
|
 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
acrostic ethere
Perhaps you liked walking with me today exploring simple sights, still silent drinking in ca-runch of footfall enjoying our thoughts until swift chipmunk turned tail to get rid of his ravenously ingested acorn nubs © MLee Dickens’son 30 Dec 2005 First edit ~ changed L1 from: Perhaps you’d like to walk with me today ~ changed L2 from: enjoying... Second edit ~ changed L2 from: savoring... restoring the acrostic, but maintaining the 's' sound! ·······  ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner        |
  
|
|
| Guest_Nina_* |
Dec 30 05, 18:06
Post
#2
|
 |
Hi Daniel
Well done for creating an acrostic with such an interesting shape which is a pleasure to the eye. My only query would be that you move from the conditional tense of would you like and what you might do if the person agrees to accompany you, to the chipmunk doing something very specific and detailed in the present tense. The two seem somewhat at odds. Nina |
|
|
|
| Guest_Cathy_* |
Dec 30 05, 19:15
Post
#3
|
|
|
Hi Daniel,
Good to see you! You have painted a wonderful picture of an autumn walk. Makes me long for the park again. The squirrels are so friendly, unafraid of the humans invading there territory. The 'ca-runch of footfall' reminds me of crunching the leaves on the sidewalk while walking down by the river. Thanks for the reminder! Cat 
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 30 05, 19:34
Post
#4
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings, Nina!
QUOTE(Nina @ Dec. 30 2005, 18:06) Well done for creating an acrostic with such an interesting shape which is a pleasure to the eye. [ Thank you, Nina. An ethere, of course, since it's syllabic inevitably takes the general shape of a downward arrow. A little wordsmithing can smooth it out a bit, and that takes some work betimes. ] My only query would be that you move from the conditional tense of would you like and what you might do if the person agrees to accompany you, to the chipmunk doing something very specific and detailed in the present tense. The two seem somewhat at odds. [ And such is why we have critique forums! Thank you immensely. I had also not noticed the recurrance of 'enjoying' until I started doing the revision of what I'd posted. I'd simply not noticed it in all the previous manipulating! As to the voice change, I'd originally started this out as an entirely serious poem, and then some changes I made tickled my funny bone, and I just couldn't resist. I hope enough of the serious remains! ] Thank you so much for your comment, Nina. deLightingly, Daniel :sun: ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Dec 30 05, 19:37
Post
#5
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings, Cat!
QUOTE(Cathy @ Dec. 30 2005, 19:15) Good to see you! You have painted a wonderful picture of an autumn walk. [ I'm very glad that that came through! ] Makes me long for the park again. The squirrels are so friendly, unafraid of the humans invading there territory. The 'ca-runch of footfall' reminds me of crunching the leaves on the sidewalk while walking down by the river. Thanks for the reminder! [ It is a pleasure... and may none of your ca-runching ever become s-squishing! ] appreciating your Light, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Dec 31 05, 10:28
Post
#6
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Daniel.
I enjoyed your walk in the woods! However with your revision in L2, it is no longer an acrostic. :oops: I must try this Ethere form! It is very appealing, similar to a Nonet with one additional line of ten... I offer a slight change in L3 as follows; drinking in ca-runch of footfall to reveling ca-runch of footfall Silly booger spoiling the mood!  Cheers! ~Cleo :pharoah: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner      |
|
|
|
| Guest_Don_* |
Dec 31 05, 11:42
Post
#7
|
|
|
Hi JustDaniel,
To be an acrostic would not the second line begin with an "E?" Whoops, I see Cleo found it already, already. Happy new year. Don |
|
|
|
|
Dec 31 05, 20:03
Post
#8
|
|
 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Hello JD.
It wasn't until I read the comments downstream that I realized you had made a change and lost the acrostic form. I looked for the acrostic, not knowing what an ethere was - unless something ethereal... Best to you fir the New Year! Merlin ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Jan 9 06, 11:41
Post
#9
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Lori...
thank you for the corrective... and for the suggestion. Reveling, however, I think would require "in" following it? and then it would further spoil the acrostic! I'll look for your shot at ethere! deLightingly, Daniel ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jan 9 06, 11:44
Post
#10
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Don and Merlin...
thank you for your follow-on observations... and I hope that both of you will look in on the ethere form too! ... and Merlin, it need not be ethereal! It's named after its originator with that name, I believe... It would be sort of like Lori calling some new form of hers "Loriginal" :pharoah: deLightingly, Daniel :sun: ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jan 9 06, 12:01
Post
#11
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Daniel.
 Your revision simply  rocks! Well done! Now about that Loriginal.... that's good!  ~Cleo  ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jan 9 06, 13:21
Post
#12
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
I thought you'd like that one, Lori. Keep it in mind for something that you create that is unlike anything on the books to date. I'm confident that it will happen!
deLighting in your visit, Daniel ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jan 9 06, 15:22
Post
#13
|
|
 Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
I would love to comment on this Daniel, but I don't know what an acrostic is, so I need to edify myself before I feel qualified. What I acan say, is I enjoyed it. It looks like an acorn as well.
Your fan, Cyn ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Jan 9 06, 18:09
Post
#14
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Thank you so much, Cyn. I'm glad to be of service. I think you'll find both forms listed in Karnak, and here are a couple of other citings for you:
Ethere Acrostic I'm sure that you'll find them pretty straightforward both in these and in Karnak. awaiting your further enLightenment, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 23rd April 2024 - 15:57 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
