this brazen age Options

[Guest_circumsolar_*]

this brazen age



...and pianists and vandals
celebrate sweet midnight flowers,
while painters, wh*res and waifs explore
the devil's dancing hours;
and daughters of the sun liase
with frowning clowns in alleyways,
and rae-glazed tower strays abhor
this brazen age
of violence -- and wars

where dancers weave 'cross strange sklylines;
where poets' worlds are justified;
where smirking politicians squirm and
bit*h to soothe the angry mob while
raping Ceres as she turns
with manic, phallic, steel-eyed worms.

Where children question idiot law
and ask what all the red-tape's for,
there's wisdom steeped in innocence
in this craven age,
this brazen age,
our brazen age
of violence
and wars.

[heartsong7]

Jan..
This is marvelous... just my cup of tea.
I could envision it sung to acoustic guitar
Well said and well done.
Sue

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Jan

A crazy, violent, manic age indeed.  Only the children see sense, till they grow up and are sucked into the craziness.  I think the slight randomness of rhyme scheme works well to reflect the sense of mania and hysteria you are trying to convey.

...and pianists and vandals
celebrate sweet midnight flowers,  
while painters, wh*res and waifs explore
the devil's dancing hours;   ...wonderful imagery
and daughters of the sun liase
with frowning clowns in alleyways,
and rae-glazed tower strays abhor
this brazen age
of violence -- and wars

...I don't quite grasp the sense of pianists and vandals celebrating midnight flowers.  I understand vandals would destroy them but why pianists and not artists.  If because you have used painters later, you could change that to musicians.

What does rae-glazed mean.  I have never heard of the term?

where dancers weave 'cross strange sklylines;
where poets' worlds are justified;
where smirking politicians squirm and
bit*h to soothe the angry mob while
raping Ceres as she turns
with manic, phallic, steel-eyed worms. ..brilliant line

I'm not convinced about smirking politicians b*tching to soothe the angry mob, more likely that they'd lie or schmooze (sweet-talk)

Where children question idiot law
and ask what all the red-tape's for,
there's wisdom steeped in innocence
in this craven age,
this brazen age,
our brazen age
of violence
and wars.

I think this verse is excellent.  The wisdom of innocence.

Thanks, I enjoyed the read

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Jan

Fabulous energy and passion in this. I particularly love the lines

with frowning clowns in alleyways,
and rae-glazed tower strays abhor

Fran

[Guest_circumsolar_*]

sue - ta muchly, you strum it, i'll hum it  :dance:

Nina...

I don't quite grasp the sense of pianists and vandals celebrating midnight flowers.  I understand vandals would destroy them but why pianists and not artists.  If because you have used painters later, you could change that to musicians.

ah, what i was trying to show here was a bit convoluted, i guess - well of course it was because i get meself tied up in convolutions, lol. i wanted to show pianists at their pianos in the early hours, when others are asleep, music blossoming from their fingertips to be celebrated -- and also vandals chucking pots of paint/spraying aerosols so that, visually, it looked like flowers appearing on the walls, blobs and splodges of colour -- guess the link was a bit contrived, huh? lol. apart from that i just like the word pianists. I think i must have used 'painters' then more as a play on the lettering of pianist. I kinda see painters, prostitutes and homeless children more likely to be out 'exploring' the darkened streets than the pianists, who'd have  a job dragging their pianos about.

Glad you liked the imagery, it's probably my strongest area, with form my weakest :(

ah, rae-glazed, yeessssssss. erm, don't throw things, that refers to sunglasses. rae-bans... ergo, office workers (well-paid office workers a few rungs up the ladder) with their sunnies on, out in the daytime streets and worried/disgusted about potential crime.

b*tch - i was never really happy about that word there, nina. i got caught up in my own words and used that to try to show the discomforted politician having a go at another party, hoping the mob will turn their attentions to someone else rather than take the blame BUT I love schmooze! Unless anyone offers a better suggestion, schmooze it is! I didn't even really know if i meant just a plain old mob of people or wanted mafia connotations... ambiguity, ambiguity, ambiguity - sigh, the bane of me life  :pharoah2

Fran - i coined that term - rae-glazed, all by me ownsome. and abhor's a good word in't it? cheers and don't forget to water the wellie boots!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jan.

I'm just gonna dive in below.

Enjoyed the voice and message in this one!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

the devil's dancing hours; excellent wording!


where dancers weave 'cross strange sklylines; - typo s/n skylines
where poets' worlds are justified; You could also say 'words' instead of 'worlds'
where smirking politicians squirm and
bit*h to soothe the angry mob while
raping Ceres as she turns
with manic, phallic, steel-eyed worms. Not sure about 'steel-eyed' here?

Where children question idiot law suggest obtuse instead of idiot
and ask what all the red-tape's for,
there's wisdom steeped in innocence
in this craven age,
this brazen age,
our brazen age
of violence
and wars.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Jan,

This is an amazing poem.

I did need to read your critics and your replies to them to understand parts. Nevertheless, the sound-shape is fascinating.

As anything I suggest will ruin that shape, i have no suggestions but I do want you to know I enjoyed the poem, thanks.

Oh, yes, I'm not fond of "bit-ch" being used in a derrogratry context as many of my best friends have been - and are - bit-ches. So, for me, that very much undermines the point - "bit-ch" is always good :)

Cheers, James.

[AMETHYST]

Hey Jan,

There is some very strong and powerful intentions that are held here. I've only skimmed some of the comments but found I agree with Sue, as she mentions how she can hear this to guitar playing. I can 'feel' this poem being a song as well.

some quick comments to follow. Thank you for sharing this...

Hugs, Liz

[quote]
this brazen age



...and pianists and vandals
celebrate sweet midnight flowers,
while painters, wh*res and waifs explore
the devil's dancing hours;

Jan, I really liked the first line, how it leads us in as if we are walking into something midstream. This short passage is absolutely and completely a priceless piece of poetry. I would buy a magazine just for this... I love these lines.

and daughters of the sun liase
with frowning clowns in alleyways,
and rae-glazed tower strays abhor
this brazen age
of violence -- and wars

where dancers weave 'cross strange sklylines;
where poets' worlds are justified;


Perhaps' as a poet's world is justified;

where smirking politicians squirm and
bit*h to soothe the angry mob while

and smirking politicians squirm, (line break)
bit*hing to soothe the angry mob (full stop)

raping Ceres as she turns
with manic, phallic, steel-eyed worms.

Bring down while before raping-
'while raping Ceres as she turns manic
with phallic, steel-eyed worms.

Where children question idiot law
and ask what all the red-tape's for,
there's wisdom steeped in innocence
in this craven age,
this brazen age,
our brazen age
I would suggest omitting 'our brazen age' allowing the 'this brazen age' to provide the fullness of meaning...

of violence
and wars.

EXCELLENT POETRY!

[Guest_circumsolar_*]

wow, sorry guys for being awol - i'm just buzzing past and want to say thanks for all the kind comments!

where poets' worlds are justified;

did want to keep poets as a plural - since there are so many of us, lol

where smirking politicians squirm
while raping Ceres, as she turns,
with manic, phallic, steel-eyed worms.

now i'd call that a definite improvement so thanks Jox and Amethyst for that help, and Amethyst - wow, what a compliment  
James - weigh in whenever, don't hold back... we all need to see with others' eyes.  

Cleo  
typo s/n skylines d*mn! good catch, girl, now i've gotta go see where else this might be posted with that typo  

where poets' worlds are justified; You could also say 'words' instead of 'worlds'
well that's how this one was before i messed with it, thinking (y'all understand i get tied up in knots thinking) that worlds made for a broader image, words a more confined one. steel-eyed was sort of an allusion - okay, we get the raping and the phallic references, so steel seemed justified as the drills are made from it... the 'eyed' part (guess i was being a bit erm - well it's the phallus thing again and the opening to the urethra - didn't i put that politely? lolol So the drills are like giant steel phalluses raping the earth.

i've missed so much!
Jan