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Velvet Rain |
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Nov 4 05, 06:58
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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1st Revision: 11/7 PM
VELVET RAIN
Amidst soft falling velvet rain under a swirling sienna sky, two stardust lovers do proclaim enduring devotion, ne’er go awry. Floating on youthful innocence, shrouded in dreamlike illusions, fueled by passionate persistence, harboring no dour delusions.
Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow smitten desires run rampant crystallizing an amorous glow, tenderly vibrant; buoyantly brilliant.
VELVET RAIN
Amidst lightly falling velvet rain under a swirling sienna sky, two stardust lovers proclaim undying devotion, ne’er go awry. Quenched by youthful innocence, shrouded in dreamlike illusions, fueled by passionate persistence, they harbor no dour delusions
Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow, but infatuated desires run rampant crystallizing an amorous glow, tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Nov 4 05, 08:15
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi JOhn.
What a truly lovely poem! :lovie:
Reminds of something that AMETHYST might pen.
Here's a few ideas to start with for you.
Enjoyed this one very much!
[add] {delete}
Amidst lightly falling velvet rain >--- suggested change to: 'Amidst soft falling velvet rain' for meter under a swirling sienna sky, two stardust lovers [do] proclaim undying devotion, ne’er go awry. >--- suggested change to: enduring affection, ne'er go awry.
Quenched by youthful innocence, shrouded in dreamlike illusions, fueled by passionate persistence, they harbor no dour delusions[.]
Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow{,} but {infatuated} [smitten] desires run rampant crystallizing an amorous glow, tenderly vibrant{,} [;] buoyantly brilliant.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Nov 4 05, 08:23
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Guest
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Hi John,
This is a beautiful illusion! *sigh* What carefree days are youth ... most of them anyway. I'm not so sure about today's youth. Anyhoooo ...
{omit}[add]
Amidst {lightly falling}[misting] velvet rain under {a} swirling sienna sky, two stardust lovers proclaim undying devotion, ne’er {go} awry.
[Floating on]{Quenched by} youthful innocence, Are youth ever quenched by anything? *smiles* shrouded {in} dreamlike illusions, fueled by passionate persistence, {they} harbor[ing] no {dour} delusions[.]
Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow, {but} infatuated desires run rampant crystallizing {an} amorous glow, tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.
Amidst misting velvet rain under swirling sienna sky, two stardust lovers proclaim undying devotion, ne’er awry.
Floating on youthful innocence, shrouded dreamlike illusions, fueled by passionate persistence, harboring no delusions.
Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow, infatuated desires run rampant crystallizing amorous glow, tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.
Just an alternative you are free to ignore!
Cathy
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Nov 4 05, 13:53
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Cathy, When it comes to romance, today's youth entertains many of the same dreams as we did when we were younger, however the innocence is gone in today's fast paced world.
Just an alternative you are free to ignore! Cathy, I never ignore your insightful comments---I look forward to them as I do the many others I receive from our MM family. You always give me something that seems to work a little bit better. I will make some minor changes and post the revision in a few days.
Thanks, JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Nov 5 05, 16:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Oh John, Your poetry always steals my heart! Such adoration between the lines and images. Such loveliness that sort of woo's the reader into daydreaming state of longing - to experience such longings... such inspiration and emotions.
The title is eye catching and fully luring to the reader. I didn't find much to nit pick at either. Some minor thoughts but nothing that is absolutely necessary. Perhaps just another avenue or minor alternatives.
Either way... Enlightning and soul soothing.
Best wishes and Big Hugs, Liz
QUOTE VELVET RAIN
Amidst lightly falling velvet rain under a swirling sienna sky, two stardust lovers proclaim undying devotion, ne’er go awry.
The tone, with that old fasioned, almost archaic tone is perfect for the images. I love the suggest Cathy has left for the substitution of 'falling to misting. Perhaps even...' amidst a misting velvet rain. Such views as L1 and sienna sky,in L2, immediately capture the readers pleasure. The rhymes are smooth and unobtrusive.
Quenched by youthful innocence, shrouded in dreamlike illusions, fueled by passionate persistence, they harbor no dour delusions
Your use of alliterative and inner rhymes makes the is silky to the ear. Beautiful work.
Idealistic sentiments ebb and flow, but infatuated desires run rampant crystallizing an amorous glow, tenderly vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.
Perhaps instead of sentiments, ennuendos' ebb and flow.
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Nov 20 05, 10:54
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Jly, Any help I can give must relate to metre. Take or reject, but keep that "Velvet Rain" feel!
Softly falls the velvet rain 'neath a swirling sienna sky, stardust lovers now proclaim deep devotion 'til they die.
Floating on youthful innocence, shrouded in dreamy illusions, fueled by passion's persistence, denying dour delusions...
Saccarin sentiments ebb and flow, smitten desires run rampant. Chrystallizing an amorphous flow, vitally vibrant, buoyantly brilliant.
As you might know, I make all kinds of compromises for metre and it is obvious here. Alliteration also I over-emphasized too. I'm never upset when my out-of-the-mainstream ideas are dismissed, but I do maintain that there are usually unthought of ways to improve the verse. Think also about the innocence/persistence rhyme. I think of trochee as rather forceful, while finding your use here rather peaceful. Another reason it interests me. Cheers, Ron jgd
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Guest_circumsolar_*
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Nov 20 05, 13:58
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Guest
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hello JLY, hope you don't mind me coming in here; i'm still learning about forms etc..., so maybe some of my comments will be off-base - if so i apologise :p
now as i read this, i got lost with the beats per line and wasn't sure if it was meant to run as 4343 or all 4's or if it was intended as a piece based on syllabic count... so i just read it the best i could ??? I truly loved your title - it's what made me want to read this. If you want to keep that old-fashioned tone, then 'amidst' being (a bit of a mouthful) could easily be shortened to 'midst, and i so like the first line, whether you go for 'soft-falling velvet rain' or 'softly falls the velvet rain'. I did find 'amidst misting' just too much of a tongue-wister for my taste - i'd probably opt for jgd's version.
can i just ask a question here? when one's writing in this form - a trochée did you say it was called? - where the metrical foot is comprised of two syllables, one short one long (if i got that right)... if the line ends on a long, or stressed syllable, should the opening one of the next line be stressed or unstressed - or is that open to however one wishes to write these things? sorry, but i am sort of semi-illiterate when it comes to these things :( actually, i'll wait for enlightenment on this point first because anything else i might say depends really on this premise and i don't want to waste your time.
okay, just want to say these lines feel cumbersome to me, forced for rhyme and while keeping a hold of that feeling of innocence of days gone by, don't feel to me to do justice to the smoother tones running through this work: 'enduring devotion, ne’er go awry' 'harboring no dour delusions.'
sorry if i'm out of step here,
circumsolar
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Nov 20 05, 14:27
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Dear Circumsolar, When I write, I pay not attention to beats, syllables, etc. I am not into following strict rules for meter. I just write what I feel. I am not one of these formalists that has to have everything in perfect order. Your suggestion about midst is a good one and I will more than likely use that on my next go around. Thanks, JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Nov 20 05, 18:04
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear JLY, My "help" was aimed at a style you don't follow and so I apologize for having commented when I was advocating a style different from yours. I apologize on bended knee. I'm metre driven and I find comments on my postings that destroy metre in order to enhance message unhelpful. Each of us have a right to our own style. Your work captures my attention, so "stay the course'. Cheers, Ron jgd
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Nov 20 05, 18:04
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear JLY, My "help" was aimed at a style you don't follow and so I apologize for having commented when I was advocating a style different from yours. I apologize on bended knee. I'm metre driven and I find comments on my postings that destroy metre in order to enhance message unhelpful. Each of us have a right to our own style. Your work captures my attention, so "stay the course'. Cheers, Ron jgd
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Nov 20 05, 18:48
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Ron, Metre is a format device I have not mastered and it's like lightning in a bottle, on rare occasions I manage to harness it but most of the time I miss the mark.
My focus has been(if you have followed my personal development and evolvement) to become succicnt. Through the efforts of my MM peers they have all guided me in that direction. I tend to write "poetic prose" and many of my pieces are very long in both sentence/phrase structure and overall form. I am making progress on this and hopefully I will master the nuances of meter and rhythm. Please continue to offer your comments as I use them as a learning device; I am one who welcomes comments and more often than not, my revisions reflect the contributions of those who offer helpful suggestions.
In a day or two , I will offer yet another revision of Velvet Rain and you may hopefully find it to be a better effort. Thanks, JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Nov 21 05, 07:45
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear JLY, Today I have dedicated a note book which will have a page for each poster and allow me to remember each poster's style so that I can comment helpfully. There are (in my opinion) many members here who have learned to count syllables or to minimize metre for clarity of message. My metre-heavy style doesn't allow me to help much to those poems. For those where metre is not major, I'll comment accordingly. You, sir, are now my page 1! Thany-you for your comment to Circumsolar, as I'll be more helpful to all, if I can be, in the future. Cheers, ron
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Guest_MFK_Buckley_*
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Nov 26 05, 13:58
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Guest
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Hello there, what an intriguing title and interesting thread! Some lovely romantic lines, although I find archaic language distracting. I second those suggestions made by Liz and appreciated Ron's suggestions but I wouldn't sacrifice clarity for metre.
An enjoyable read. frances
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