Garden of Eden, revised Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi, Nina

The imagery is vivid and striking; the scenes really come alive in my mind as I read.

Just to be awkward, I read this as a change in perception in the observer's mind, rather than either scene being truely real; 'black reality' sounds like the unreality of depression to my mind, where it is impossible to see beyond the horror or remember better places. Or perhaps the beauty superceded by bleakness feels like a drug addiction ...  

Just my perception, as reader.  :mouse:

I agree with Don that longer poems are much harder to sustain; it's a great challenge to have a go and carry it through. I love this; it works really well.

Fran


Alluring winding lane
leads enticingly
to elegant splendour;
magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

I wonder if 'alluring', 'enticing' etc are more 'telling' words rather than 'showing' words - why is it magnificent? (Prose monkey at work, sorry - would take too many words, I guess)

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds:
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

'neat' doesn't entice me; threatening - but that may be me! lol - vibrant? full? exotic?

Rainbow colours
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

You used 'rich' in S2; would 'verdant' cover 'rich green' ?

Heady perfume
attracts brightly
coloured butterflies  --- irridescent ? (sorry - a fav word of mine! )
flitting between blooms.

Sparkling-clear icy water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream.

Tranquillity surrounds.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting.

Is there a single verb for 'tread eagerly' that would let you loose the adverb? I quite like adverbs (as does JKR, lol), but they are rather unfashionable these days

My mirror shatters:
paradise fractures into
deadly shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees ,
become distorted headless bodies:
they tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape.

again, would 'loom' or similar enable you to loose 'tower menacingly' ?

Spiders’ webs span
rusting jagged spikes;
lean brown rats
rummage rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth

lovely alliteration and very evocative (yuk). 'Filth' for 'earth' ?

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
from every crevice.

Do ponds have crevices?

Lured by childish trust
through false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped in
unrelenting, waking
nightmare…

Black reality

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina, et al.

Box is a tree / shrub grown much in the 17th-18th C. It is that low-growing tree-like plant which was used to surround knot gardens and herb gardens in great country estates. You must have seen it on tv programmes or in pictures?

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

The imagery is vivid and striking; the scenes really come alive in my mind as I read.

Thank you, I was hoping that the images would be vivid in the readers mind.

Just to be awkward, I read this as a change in perception in the observer's mind, rather than either scene being truely real; 'black reality' sounds like the unreality of depression to my mind, where it is impossible to see beyond the horror or remember better places.

You are not being in the least bit awkward.  You have my intention pretty much spot on.  It is a change in perception in the narrator's mind - from seeing life as rosy and happy (the phrase "looking at life through rose coloured spectacles") to seeing the world without the Disneystyle sugar-sweet colour wash.  The point at which your innocent childlike trust in life is shattered and you realise that the world is not a very nice place after all with all the hatred, evil, deception, cruelty etc.  Of course once you see the world as it really is, it is impossible to recapture your past innocence and trust.  This could link in with depression though I didn't have that specifically in mind.

I agree with Don that longer poems are much harder to sustain; it's a great challenge to have a go and carry it through. I love this; it works really well.
Thanks.  It was made a change to have a go and write something longer and I think it was only possible because of the 2 very dramatically different parts.  There is no way I could keep going in the same direction.  Generally most of my poems are fairly short.

I wonder if 'alluring', 'enticing' etc are more 'telling' words rather than 'showing' words - why is it magnificent? (Prose monkey at work, sorry - would take too many words, I guess)

Prose monkey is such a brilliant phrase conjuring up an image of an impish little monkey, flittering over writing, little red pen in hand, ready to circle bits that could do with improving.  I digress, LOL, alluring and enticing are probably telling words, but to define would take to long.  Also each reader has a different notion of what makes something alluring and enticing.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds:
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

'neat' doesn't entice me; threatening - but that may be me! lol - vibrant? full? exotic?
I quite like vibrant and may use it instead, thanks.


Rainbow colours
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

You used 'rich' in S2; would 'verdant' cover 'rich green' ?

Oops hadn't noticed that, well spotted Sherlock Monkey, will change it.

Is there a single verb for 'tread eagerly' that would let you loose the adverb? I quite like adverbs (as does JKR, lol), but they are rather unfashionable these days

Is it necessary to conform to writing fashion?  If you like adverbs why not use them.  Anyway if it good enough for JKR, then it's good enough for me.  If only I could be half as successful as she is.

again, would 'loom' or similar enable you to loose 'tower menacingly' ?
sorry, tower menacingly is much more threatening than loom, which seems tame in comparison.

Do ponds have crevices?
yes, unless they are artificial, rubber lined Charlie Dimmock ponds.

Thanks for your extensive crit, much appreciated.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

Box is a tree / shrub grown much in the 17th-18th C. It is that low-growing tree-like plant which was used to surround knot gardens and herb gardens in great country estates. You must have seen it on tv programmes or in pictures?
thanks for the explanation.  I have probably seen them.  We've been round Hampton Court and other stately homes.  As usual I had no idea what they were called.  I am hopeless when it comes to names of plants and flowers.  I just about manage to name the most common ones.

Nina