Stones, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Stones (revised - thanks Alan, James and Fran)

As I walk towards you
a stone catches my gaze.
Picking it up,
I feel its presence
weighting in my hand.

Silken surface,
polished smooth
by weathering through time.
Dark, ebony hues give
hint of inner mystery.
Tiny imperfections
enhance character.

Lonely silence,
broken only
by distant hum
of motorway traffic,
accompanies my steps.

I move onward;
passing so many rows
of scrubbed white stones,
stretching  so far
in geometric arrangement.

Finally, I reach you.

I place warm stone,
on cold, hard rim of
upright marble.
My tears fall freely

A trace of me
lies with you.

Notes:  In Jewish cemeteries no one brings flowers to put on graves.  Instead it is traditional to place a small stone on the headstone to signify that you have visited.  This tradition probably goes back to the time before headstones were commonplace when piles of stones were used to mark the location of a grave.

Motorway: The British word for freeway.


-----------------------
Stones (original)

As I walk towards you,
a stone catches my gaze.
Picking it up,
I feel its presence
weighing in my hand.

Silken surface,
polished smooth
by weathering through time.
Dark, ebony hue gives
hint of inner mystery.
Tiny imperfections,
enhance character.

Lonely silence,
broken only
by distant hum
of motorway traffic,
accompanies my steps.
I move onward;
passing row upon row
of scrubbed white stones,
which stretch for miles
in geometric arrangement.

Finally I reach you.

Tears fall freely
as I place warm stone,
on cold, hard rim of
upright marble.

A trace of me
now marks the place
where you lie
in earth below.

Notes:  In Jewish cemeteries no one brings flowers to put on graves.  Instead it is traditional to place a small stone on the headstone to signify that you have visited.  This tradition probably goes back to the time before headstones were commonplace when piles of stones were used to mark the location of a grave.
Nina

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

Quite touching. Didn't know about the stones.

To the poem :

As I walk towards you, -- no comma
a stone catches my gaze.
Picking it up,
I feel its presence
weighing in my hand. -- could be :weighting my hand ?

Silken surface,
polished smooth
by weathering through time.
Dark, ebony hue gives -- I'd say hueS give!
hint of inner mystery.
Tiny imperfections, -- no comma
enhance character.

Lonely silence,
broken only
by distant hum
of motorway traffic, -- leave out motorway, strictly British - use generic, say road ?
accompanies my steps. -- stanza break ?
I move onward;
passing row upon row
of scrubbed white stones,
which stretch for miles
in geometric arrangement.

Finally I reach you.

Tears fall freely -- see below
as I place warm stone,
on cold, hard rim of
upright marble.

A trace of me
now marks the place -- see below
where you lie
in earth below.

Just a suggestion - tears at end has more impact ?

I place warm stone,
on cold, hard
upright marble's rim ;
My tears fall freely.

Nina, the last verse simply lacks the simple impact of the others, it sort of peters out, may I suggest a rewite ?

Hope some of this helps - if not, chuck it.

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina - I didn't know about the stones - thank you.

A few suggestions.

I'm very unsure about my ideas for the final verse - if others suggest better please think on't because I can't quite make that final verse "work."

Cheers, J.

Stones

As I walk towards you,
a stone catches my gaze.
Picking it up,
I feel its presence
weighing in my hand.

Silken surface,
polished smooth
by weathering through time.
Dark, ebony hue gives
hint of inner mystery.
Tiny imperfections,
enhance character.

Lonely silence,
broken only
by distant hum
of motorway traffic,
accompanies my steps.
I move onward;
passing {row upon row} [so many rows]
of scrubbed white stones,
[stretching so far] {which stretch for miles} (My replacement is just an e.g.}
in geometric arrangement.

Finally[,] I reach you.

Tears fall freely
as I place warm stone,
on cold, hard rim of
upright marble.

A trace of me [now]
{now marks the place} [commemorates]
where you lie
in earth[,] below.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Alan

Thanks for your suggestions

As I walk towards you, -- no comma
a stone catches my gaze.
Picking it up,
I feel its presence
weighing in my hand. -- could be :weighting my hand ?
yes, I couldn't decide between weighing and weighting and went with weighing in the end.

Silken surface,
polished smooth
by weathering through time.
Dark, ebony hue gives -- I'd say hueS give!
hint of inner mystery.
Tiny imperfections, -- no comma
enhance character.
ok, hues it is

Lonely silence,
broken only
by distant hum
of motorway traffic, -- leave out motorway, strictly British - use generic, say road ?
accompanies my steps. -- stanza break ?
sorry, I'm puzzled as to why I should change motorway to road simply because it is a British word.  I want the image of cars going past, very fast. Besides the cemetery I am thinking of is right by the M25. If necessary I will put a footnote to translate.

Nina, the last verse simply lacks the simple impact of the others, it sort of peters out, may I suggest a rewite ?
Ok, will think about it.  Would it be better if I cut it out completely?

Thanks for your help

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

A few suggestions.
thank you, much appreciated.

I'm very unsure about my ideas for the final verse - if others suggest better please think on't because I can't quite make that final verse "work."
Same question as I put to Alan - Do you think the poem would work better if I left the last verse out completely?

Lonely silence,
broken only
by distant hum
of motorway traffic,
accompanies my steps.
I move onward;
passing {row upon row} [so many rows]
of scrubbed white stones,
[stretching so far] {which stretch for miles} (My replacement is just an e.g.}
in geometric arrangement.
no problem with changing to so many rows.
I couldn't decide between stretching and which stretch, so I'm happy to go with your suggestion.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina - yes I saw Alan's comments after I left mine: uncanny.

No I don't think the poem would be better for dropping the final verse because it says something different.

To me it says "I've left a small part of me with you."

Is that what you intended?

If it is I'll try to consider a suggestion as to way round the problem.

Cheers, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

No I don't think the poem would be better for dropping the final verse because it says something different.

To me it says "I've left a small part of me with you."

Is that what you intended?
yes, that is exactly what I wanted to say.

Nina

[Guest__*]

Dear Nina,

Re motorway - do use some form of road, roadway etc, just not m'way, was what I meant.

Saves any expl afterwards.

Poss last verse :

Tears fall freely
as I place warm stone,
on cold, hard rim of
upright marble.

A place a trace
of me there too ....

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina, a few ideas to play with - though I still don’t think I have it quite right. Hope something clicks.

Regards, J.

Original:

A trace of me
now marks the place
where you lie
in earth below.

Some ideas:

Where you lie,
in earth below,
is now marked
by a trace of me.

Where you lie,
in earth below,
is now marked
by my trace.

Where you lie,
below the earth,
is now marked
by a trace of me.

Where you lie,
below the earth,
is now marked
by my trace.

My trace
now marks
where you lie

Where you lie -
now marked
by my trace

My trace,
now marking
where you lie,

Where you lie
I now leave
a little of me.

I now leave
a little of me
where you lie.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Alan

I prefer to leave motorway in and add an explanation.  The notes exist anyway so not a big problem.

Thanks for your suggestion re: last verse, I will think it over.



Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

Thanks for all your suggestion for the last verse.  I think I need to mull it over for a while.

Cheers

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Your poem is deeply moving regarding visiting the grave of a loved one. When someone has given us much in life we want to honour them with something of ourselves, to show our respect and love. Leaving a stone when one visits sounds like a beautiful tradition; thank you for explaining it.

I can see you have plenty of suggestions from Alan and James and are busy mulling them, but I have one more to add - use or toss: your choice as always.

which stretch for miles
in geometric arrangement.

The first line seems a little weak and I wonder if

passing row upon row
of scrubbed white stones{,}[: or ;]
endless geometic arrangements

would simplify and strength the idea, perhaps?

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Thanks for your comments they are much appreciated.

I can see you have plenty of suggestions from Alan and James and are busy mulling them, but I have one more to add - use or toss: your choice as always.

which stretch for miles
in geometric arrangement.

The first line seems a little weak and I wonder if

passing row upon row
of scrubbed white stones{,}[: or ;]
endless geometic arrangements

would simplify and strength the idea, perhaps?
yes, I half like the suggestion, my only problem is with the word endless.  To me it implies lots of different arrangements rather than one.


Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

I think that's the way I see them, Nina; even one layout of stones makes endlessly different patterns depending on the viewpoint of the observer ... but I see what you mean: not quite right.  :turtle:

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James, Alan

would this wording work better for the last verse:

A trace of me
rests above you


Fran

interesting how we view things differently.  I just see regimented straight lines rather than lost of geometric patterns


Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Stick with that view, Nina - that's what 15 years of statistical analysis has done to miy mind: nothing is simple  

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Well, it's entirely your choice but - since you ask...

"A trace of me
rests above you"

I don't think works because it sounds either sexual or rather fantastical - like levitation. Sorry! But your choice.

It really is a pesky one this!

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

OK I'll consign that one to the recycle bin

"back to the drawing board"

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Sorry Nina - but I'm sure it's worth it.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

no problem and no need to apologise



Nina