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> Duet For One, A Moonraker's Howl
Guest_Jox_*
post Nov 30 04, 22:45
Post #1





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(Spelling corrected (thanks, Grace) - original version on MM = AB now AE)

Moonlit Duet For One
Ref: PF !-202 AE
Copyright etc.


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Moonlit Duet For One

As I stare onto a
crystallised landscape,
which shouts with the
pure silence, that only
lonely peace can bring,
I dream a little.

Lunar light cuts through
the black, dangerous woods;
pooling around every tree,
as if to bathe it in
harsh comfort: white knife.
I dream a little more.

We moonrakers know the night;
its power; its vulnerabilities.
Though we must protect
against the visions in
white-lit ponds,
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.
Still, I can dream.

That which brought us here
may be only
my imagination.
Though, why allow mere fact
to mar mares of the night?
I fear them not; they are
white horses carrying
an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time of raking our
beings into one, lasts into never.

I dreamt. Did you?






 
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Guest_Toumai_*
post Dec 1 04, 02:43
Post #2





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Jox,

Although I am reading this as the sun rises over the Cotswolds I am drawn back into your moonlit spirit.

This is a very powerful and beautiful piece, which I shall not even attempt to crit (wimp that I am) but I did want to leave you some recognition, however inadequate, of this non-poet's awareness and awe.

Toumai
 
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Cybele
post Dec 1 04, 03:04
Post #3


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Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Good morning James,

Ah! This brings back memories.  I lived in Devizes at one time and my then, small sons were taken moonraking one evening on the village pond. (Although the original village, I believe was Bishops Canning?)

For our American friends legend has it that one night two smugglers were carrying home contraband brandy when they encountered customs men.

Thinking quickly they dumped the brandy into the village pond and waded in with rakes.

"What in the world bist up to?" asked the excise man
"We be a-reaking var thik thar gurt cheese", replied one of the men
"Cassen thee see un?" added the other, pointing to the reflection of the moon.

The customs men thought they were drunken yokels and rode off laughing at their stupidiy.  

Lovely yarn James, I especially love the wording.

We moonrakers know the night;
its power; its vunerabilies.


typo here


the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.


the scamper of night-time.  cloud9.gif Brilliant!

Though, why allow mere fact
to mar mares of the night?
I fear them not; they are
white horses carrying
an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time of raking our
beings into one, lasts into never.


to mar mares of the night  Great!

This whole stanza (verse to you ) Jester.gif
is wonderful.

Thank you for sharing your dream James.

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 1 04, 04:33
Post #4





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Toumai...

Your comments really are most appreciated and rewarding. You’re not a non-poet but you are extremely kind. I hope you enjoyed the Cotswold dawn; I would have. Your recognition is being stored away for safe-keeping as I write.

[USA et al: The Cotswolds are a range of hills / areas which stretch westwards from Oxford (Inspector Morse) to Gloucester (not Inspector Morse) and are typified by patchwork-quilt style fields, undulating green hills and beautiful honey-coloured stone buildings which form many neat villages and market towns. If you ever come to Britain, forget London - lots to offer but an over-priced, over-busy, traffic-infested, polluted dump. Go to far better areas - such as The Cotswolds.]

Grace - Thank you for your most kind comments and for your appreciation of the words; very much appreciated.

"vulnerabilities" - you kindly say a typo; just my inability to spell, Grace. My spell-checked did pick it up but neither of us could work-out the correct version (well it was 4am, so it can be forgiven). Will correct it now that my spell-checker has had its breakfast.

Thanks, Grace also for the explanation of moonraking. Of course, a moonraker (raking moonbeams) was considered a lunatic - and the very word "lunatic" actually comes from the Moon (Lunar).

I used moonraking, with that in mind, to also mean impossibly searching (the futility of raking water to sift the moon, which is reflected). And there is an intimacy with raking, as the tines glide through the surface to greater depths. So there was a sensual/erotic meaning in there too - mind you, if anyone could access it is another question!

The term "moonraker" has also been used in literature many times - from Shakespeare to the James Bond film.

Thanks for calling it a verse. I actually did check somewhere (Shadow Poetry I think - was looking at some of Lori’s (and others’) poems. On there it says Verse - line or stanza. So, I no longer have to simply battle for the old and incorrect way; I can battle for the correct but different way. Pity, I liked the rather virtuous stance in the face of modernity.
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 3 04, 10:29
Post #5





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Hi all,

Crits still invited, please.

I have just finished the fourth revision to the original of this.

I really would like to know of any more comments on this piece soon please, as I wish to move on with it (as opposed from it). Comments then would be too late for me to use; which would be a waste all round. However, anything today or in the next few days would be great.

Thanks in anticipation.

J.
 
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Guest_jayjay_*
post Dec 3 04, 15:19
Post #6





Guest






Atmospheric and accomplished piece of writing.   Some beautiful images throughout and ending with a powerfully erotic image of two fusing, or raking, into one.

I would look at it again though James and edit more severely.  When I write I tend to excise extraneous words that slow the thing up.  Your first verse I would write thus;

I stare onto crystallised landscape.
It shouts the pure silence of my lonely peace,
And I dream - a little.

Only four words gone, but to me it is a tighter read, and I think the essence of what you have to say remains.

Second verse.

Lunar light cuts through black woods;
Pools around each tree,
Batheing with harsh comfort: white knife.
And still I dream.

Seven words gone there and still reading OK.

That's what I'd do the whole way through.  Read each version aloud  and see which you prefer.

It is a lovely poem and no matter what you decide to do it will STILL be a lovely poem.

All of the above is intended as positive feedback and I hope it may have been of some assistance.

Jimmy:)
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 3 04, 16:05
Post #7





Guest






Jimmy,

Thank you very much for your precise crit; much appreciated. Also, it is kind of you to crit me as your first stop on MM.

I shall look at your comments later and think carefully about your kind suggestions.

Now, however, I would like to say a formal "Hello and welcome to MM."

I know we've chatted via PM; nevertheless Welcome to MM and I hope you'll enjoy life here. You are clearly a poet first and there are a number of very good poets on here; I hope you'll find inter-action with them interesting and profitable.

MM is much smaller than the BBC's GW but such (as you indicated) does allow tighter inter-change. There is a great deal of poetry material on MM and you'll find MM's poets' works all over the web.

Thanks again for the crit - see you around MM.
 
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Guest__*
post Dec 3 04, 17:17
Post #8





Guest






Dear Jox,

Since you ask, I'll have a go ! Usual warnings apply : No poets were harmed in the criting of this work.

As I stare onto a -- I think Into not onto ?
crystallised landscape,
which shouts with the
pure silence* that only -- del ,
lonely peace can bring,
I dream a little.

Lunar light cuts through
the black* and* dangerous woods; -- better ba-dums
pooling around every tree* -- no comma needed
as if to bathe it in
harsh comfort: white knife. -- don't get white knife ?
I dream a little more.

We moonrakers know the night;
its power,* its vulnerabilities, -- only , not ; -- comma at end, or rest of stanza not a sentence
t*hough we must protect
against * visions  -- del "the"
in white-lit ponds,
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.
Still, I can dream.

That which brought us here
may be only my imagination.
Though* why allow mere facts* -- del , -- factS fits better
to mar mares of the night? -- to mar the mares of night ?

I fear them not; they are white horses,*
carrying an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time,* of raking
our beings into one, lasts into never.

I dreamt. Did you?

Without edit marks, and with some lines re-formed :

As I stare into a crystallised landscape,
which shouts with the
pure silence that only
lonely peace can bring,
I dream a little.

Lunar light cuts through
the black and dangerous woods;
pooling around every tree
as if to bathe it in harsh comfort:
white knife.
I dream a little more.

We moonrakers know the night;
its power, its vulnerabilities,
though we must protect
against visions in white-lit ponds;
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.
Still, I can dream.

That which brought us here
may be only my imagination.
Though why allow mere facts
to mar the mares of night?

I fear them not; they are white horses,
carrying an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time,
of raking our beings into one
lasts into never.

I dreamt. Did you?

Jox, I hope a little of this helps, If not, toss me out !

Love
Alan
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 3 04, 18:07
Post #9





Guest






HI Alan,

Thank you very much; much appreciated.

I shall mull over this, with the rest, in the next couple of days - very much appreciated.

Ah White knife - the strong, cold shaft of bright moonlight which cuts the otherwise dark woodland. What did Burns say - something like Brite moonlit nigkt? (he says, running from Alan McPartly-Scottish!)

J.
 
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Guest__*
post Dec 3 04, 18:15
Post #10





Guest






Dear Jox,

braw bricht moonlicht nicht,

as I recall from some earlier incarnation !

Which just goes to show how close English is to old German, and Scots is a definite link.

Do you know the old Scottish "widdershens", which is to stir a cup the wrong way, ie anti-clockwise ? Comes from the German "wieder" = against, "sinne" = direction !

Boy, I bet you wish you didn't know that !

Love
Alan

PS Let me know when there is a revision ! Or even a reversion !
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 3 04, 18:31
Post #11





Guest






Alan,

Sure thing.

By the way, it's not surprising that Anglo-saxon is close to German. The only real original British language - as spoken in areas all over England - even in the London area - is what we now call "Welsh"... it pocketed in Wales as the invading Gerries pushed the Brits westwards.

Thanks for the Burns correction - looks far more impressive "your" way!
Cheers, J.
 
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Psyche
post Dec 3 04, 18:40
Post #12


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE(Jox @ Nov. 30 2004, 22:45)

(Spelling corrected (thanks, Grace) - original version on MM = AB now AE)

Moonlit Duet For One
Ref: PF !-202 AE
Copyright etc.


Moonlit Duet For One

As I stare onto a
crystallised landscape,
which shouts with the
pure silence, that only
lonely peace can bring,
I dream a little.

Lunar light cuts through
the black, dangerous woods;
pooling around every tree,
as if to bathe it in
harsh comfort: white knife.
I dream a little more.

We moonrakers know the night;
its power; its vulnerabilities.
Though we must protect
against the visions in
white-lit ponds,
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.
Still, I can dream.

That which brought us here
may be only
my imagination.
Though, why allow mere fact
to mar mares of the night?
I fear them not; they are
white horses carrying
an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time of raking our
beings into one, lasts into never.

I dreamt. Did you?



Hi Jox !

Since you asked for it, here goes !! But remember, this crit from Argentina is probably based on out-dated English... When in the U.K., I've frequently been told that "her English is too good, she must be foreign...."  ha...ha.... Prof. Higgins....!!

I stare into a
crystallised landscape
which shouts pure silence
that lonely peace can bring.  (only/lonely... hmmmm...either/or)
I dream a little.

Lunar light cuts through
black, dangerous woods,
pooling around every tree,
as if to bathe it in
harsh comfort: white knife.   Love this metaphor !!
I dream a little more.

We moonrakers know the night:  (colon OK with you?)
its power, its vulnerabilities.  (comma better)
Yet we must protect   (I think "yet" makes it into a sentence)
against visions in
white-lit ponds,
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.   Brilliant verse !!  :pharoah2
Still, I can dream.

That which brought us here
may be only
my imagination.
Why allow mere fact    ("though" seems superfluous to me)
to mar the mares of night?   (switched "the")  Fantastic line !!
I fear them not; they are
white horses carrying
an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time,
raking our beings into one,
lasts into never.    

I dreamt. Did you?    

Indeed, yes !! You've taken us on an enigmatic trip under the sharp moon, and after reading Grace's explanation on moonraking, I love this new angle you've given it. I didn't catch the erotic intimacy until the last three lines, but wouldn't have said anything unless you had.
Wonderful piece, so glad I caught it as I skipped along.
You may toss me out of the moonlit pool also, goes without saying !
Psyche


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"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 3 04, 19:01
Post #13





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Hi Sylvia - thank you very much for your crit; much appreciated. Looks like I'm going to be busy.

Thanks also for the kind comments which you made.

I think people who learn English abroad - just like the few Brits who learn other languages here - are likely to have a more "classic" approach. I used to listen to the BBC World Service and they spoke it there (we call it the "RP" or "Received Pronounciation" version of English - even "BBC English sometimes.) Times have changed, though and very formal English is no longer essential to "get on." Nevertheless, because we now have a plurality of spoken English (less so written) that means that even RP has its place - no longer something to be rebelled-against.

I have to say, though, that your English is absolutly excellent. I have some Spanish blood in me but can hardly speak a word of it, nor any other language. I'd really love to speak Welsh but can't. (here's the link!) By the way, did you know that Patagonia has oine of the largest Welsh-descendent communities outside Wales itself? (Hope I have that right!)

Anyway, thank you very much and I shall go through this very soon indeed.

Cheerio, James.
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Dec 3 04, 19:11
Post #14


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hello James!  :wave:

THIS is a cool piece from the American point of view...  :jester:
Your intro stanza hints of things to come and your closing lines sing.  :sings:

YOU know I'm a fan of less words so please T or T my suggestions below...
Cheers!
~Cleo  :chilly:


As I stare onto a
crystallised landscape,
which shouts with the
pure silence, that only
lonely peace can bring,
I dream a little.

How about:
I stare onto a
crystallised landscape,
shouting a pure silence
that only lonely peace can bring,
I dream.



Lunar light cuts through
the black, dangerous woods;
pooling around every tree,
as if to bathe it in
harsh comfort: white knife.
I dream a little more.

Lunar light cuts through
the black, ominous woods;
pooling around every tree,
as if to bathe it in
harsh comfort: white knife.
I dream a little more.


We moonrakers know the night;
its power; its vulnerabilities.
Though we must protect
against the visions in
white-lit ponds,
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.
Still, I can dream.

We moonrakers know the night;
its power; its vulnerabilities.
We must protect
against visions in
white-lit ponds,
the gentle menace of the
owl’s hoot and the scamper
of night-time under foot.
Still, I can dream.


That which brought us here
may be only
my imagination.
Though, why allow mere fact
to mar mares of the night?
I fear them not; they are
white horses carrying
an otherwise unattainable
deliverance from days of existence.
Our night-time of raking our
beings into one, lasts into never.

I dreamt. Did you?


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 3 04, 19:32
Post #15





Guest






Hi Lori,

Thank you very much for your comments and for your careful comb-through of the piece. I am most grateful - haven't actually seen you around much today, so this was a special surprise.

I shall add it to the other suggestions to work-over this weekend. I am grateful to you and the others for the quick response. I would like to use this work... I may even have different versions to try at this rate!

Thanks again to everyone. I will, of course, gladly accept further crits but, unless anyone has anything special to say I'll probably close it there (never done that before). I have ample comments to consider and others deserve a turn now on their works. So, if you've "come late" to this and wish to say anything please do but otherwise I think a crit elsewhere might be better placed.

Thank you again, all.

James.
 
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Guest_Toumai_*
post Dec 4 04, 02:08
Post #16





Guest






Hi Jox,

Hope this isn't to late to add to the pile of comments.
I love this piece as is (if a poem 'grabs' me I'll always have to say that! ), so I can't suggest anything drastic.

v1, line 4
>>pure silence [,] that only<<

Is that comma needed?

I actually quite approve of the 'Though' in v3, line 3 - he's aware of the dangers, but dreaming nonetheless. However, there is a second 'Though' in v4 (line 4) which maybe could be changed or dropped.

Sky just getting light now - turquoise, pink and stormy clouds. Beautiful.
Thanks for the moonlit images.
Fran
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Dec 4 04, 04:17
Post #17





Guest






High Tea,

Thanks for popping back. No, not too late. In fact at the rate things are piling up next year won’t be. But, no, I shall push this onward asap.

Damn it! Even the skies have beautiful colours in them-there parts. Just grey flint-stone down here (sky and buildings).

I'll put your second point in the melting pot - thank you. however, I shall comment on the comma.

That comma was a new addition to the poem (does not appear in Version AA). It is there because I cannot read the whole piece between the other commas without taking a breath. I suspect most people could; but I couldn't. I have bracketed-together the distance I would have to read without that comma and twelve words is far too many for me. I need both a breath-pause and a brain-pause. However, in terms of coherence, it is in a daft place. If I am to eliminate the comma I may have to re-write the verse - which has been suggested (and is in that melting pot).

As I stare onto a
crystallised landscape,
[which shouts with the
pure silence, that only
lonely peace can bring,]
I dream a little


As regards more general points, I’m not an absolute minimalist as many of my critics are but I do waffle too much and can usually delete some aspects quite happily; I suspect (I don’t know) that some words - but not all- will be pared. I really have to think about this carefully. As I think I mentioned, it is not inconceivable that I will have two - or more! - “final” versions at this rate. Which will be “The Director’s Cut“?

Glad you enjoyed my Lunar-ticked images. Thank you.

Howl  mouse.gif (says "mouse" but looks like a werewolf to me.)

James.
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 12 05, 10:14
Post #18


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Congrats James on your faery award winning tile! claps.gif

Well done! PartyFavor.gif Balloons.gif

~Cleo :)


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Jun 12 05, 10:19
Post #19





Guest






Hi James

Congratulations on your faery award for this poem.  It is well deserved.

Nina
 
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Guest_Jox_*
post Jun 12 05, 10:24
Post #20





Guest






Hi Lori, Fran, all

Lori - Thank you very much for this "Faery Award."

Fran - Thank you very much for your nomination.

Nina - Thank you for your congrats, too.

This is one of my fav poems I've ever written, so I'm delighted it won my Faery - what a brill plaque!

Only one thing remains to be said - I'm reet chuffed!

Thanks so much,

J.




 
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