Tripping Over "Triples", Composing Comments Options

[jgdittier]

(Intended beat is:
/--/--/--/
-/--/--/
/--/--/--/
-/--/--/

Starting with "dum" as the blossoming bud
assures that the cadence has verve.
Ending line two with a "dum" leaves a thud,
a mixture of meter with nerve...

Ten is the number of syllables here,
while here you will find only eight.
Never attempt to advise you my dear,*    "Never" replaced "I'll not"
to write to this beat is my fate.

Thumping the third's** adding bounce to the beat
inspires me to hum as I read.
Reading aloud may become obsolete
for few, like myself, hold that creed.

*all fellow versers
** feet with three syllables

[heartsong7]

Hi Ron...This is a delightful ditty from my favorite dittier. I always read aloud to help my ear find the beat. This one works beautifully. I had a wee stumble in S2 L3...I wanted to start iambic. It will work as you scan but I feel it's pushing. Maybe you could make that first syll. stress more apparent there?
Enjoyed this muchly.  :jester:
Sue

[jgdittier]

Dear Sue,
I am immensely pleased to learn of my exalted status! I don't plan to please many but those I please I treasure!
I can easily see why one accustomed to read iambic could read " I'll NOT atTEMPT to adVISE you my DEAR". However, I set the pattern above and this is the fourth line, repeating the pattern established prior and in this special case where the cadence was pre-defined.
I doubt I'll ever become comfortable with decisions which involve pleasing me or pleasing the reader. I'm well aware that my paras have a very limited intereast but I greatly enjoy pleasing the folks whose poetry most pleases me and in truth, I enjoy writing them.
Thank you for your comments. There are only a few who have helped me grow (I'm out of the mainstream) but you are one of those precious few.
Cheers,     jgd

[Merlin]

Dear Ron,

Ya done well, it being out of your usual style.

The line Sue mentioned needs an overhaul, not because I say so, but because you're not holding to your own pattern given above.  Plain and simple, it starts weak.

Suggested re-write could be:
Never to tempt or advise you my dear,*

Thataway, you'd maintain NEV-er without question, it never is nev-ER.

There tis

Merlin

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
Funny, I still have no trouble reading it the way I thought others would, but  both you and Sue cannot be wrong.
Thanks for the help.
Cheers,     jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi jgdittier,

S2,L3:  NEVer atTEMPT to adVISE you my DEAR
reads exactly like your intended pattern.

Enjoyed this immensely.


Don   :pharoah2