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> Uncharted Bends, FV *** Second revision done
Psyche
post Jun 13 13, 00:27
Post #1


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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
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One of several versions, newly tweaked. Help welcomed!



REVISION Crits always welcomed.





When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magical instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds' pecks in luscious grapevines.

Daydreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.

From the nearby river's edge,
I'd skip bare-skinned into rippling waters
to quench my thirst;
swirling forward under noonday haze
I’d sense freedom in summer’s air
along meandering shores
where flows reversed.

Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with sounds of mimicking mutants.

Relentless light shone keenly on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our sturdy homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.

By Psyche

Changes:
magic = magical
Day dreams = daydreams
Solid = sturdy
Down = keenly




ORIGINAL



When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds pecking in luscious grapevines.

Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.

From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores and flows reversed.

Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with the sounds of mimicking mutants.

Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.

By Psyche

Copyright Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2013.


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Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Thoth
post Jun 13 13, 16:18
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Yes, uncharted bends indeed – and we ever even saw em coming! Strange how youth reveilles in adventure while the aged fear to depart from set routine.

I love this sketch and the ominous symbolism of reversed flows. I feel there is perhaps an undercurrent interwoven throughout hinting that paradise is not always what it seems to an innocent child. Enjoyed the alliteration in “echoing emptiness of the wilds” and particularly the “mimicking mutants”! Then end brings us home to reality with a nasty bump but leaves the reader with a positive thought.


Syl, I cant think of anything I’d want to change in this beautiful poignant piece, I love it all!
If I was to be really picky then perhaps your word arrangement could be polished in one or two places;

QUOTE
“Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes. “

Seems a little clunky. You could try :

“Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars
bending to mighty winds or
fields of maize crinkling in gentle breezes.”

Also;

QUOTE
“From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores and flows reversed.”

Could read as follows:

“From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst
then swirling forward under noonday haze,
I’d sense freedom in summer’s air
and along meandering shores
where flows reversed.”

Use or lose Syl, this is defiantly going to be a favourite of mine.

XX

and Hugggz

Wally


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Eisa
post Jun 14 13, 07:15
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Hi Syl


I have read through this beautiful poem several times and can find nothing to nit-pick. I enjoyed this so much. The beginning transported me back to childhood days - happy times! Yet the ending has a sting in the tail to get the reader thinking. Although poignant, the ending does send a positive message.

I love so many lines - I'll be back after the weekend to write some more.

Excellent stuff Syl!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Jun 16 13, 17:06
Post #4


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Hi Syl

I'm back for another look at this and still find nothing that really needs changing. I just love his!




When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds pecking in luscious grapevines.

This 1st stanza is magical - the wonderful world through a child's eye. Certainly drew me in!

Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.

I like Wally's suggestion here:

Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.


From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores [and] where flows reversed.


Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with [the] sounds of mimicking mutants.

I think 'the' could be mossed out for conciseness

Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

echoing emptiness of the winds
I begin to feel uneasy here!

Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.

A thought provoking ending, Syl. Very beautifully done


Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Psyche
post Jun 16 13, 23:43
Post #5


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



Hi Wally, please forgive my delay in thanking you for your great suggestions. As I seem to repeat, life's complicated!


QUOTE (Thoth @ Jun 13 13, 19:18 ) *
Yes, uncharted bends indeed – and we ever even saw em coming! Strange how youth reveilles in adventure while the aged fear to depart from set routine. <<<<<<Quite so! I was a fearless child, but nonetheless I remember quite a lot of scary events...LOL...

I love this sketch and the ominous symbolism of reversed flows. I feel there is perhaps an undercurrent interwoven throughout hinting that paradise is not always what it seems to an innocent child. Enjoyed the alliteration in “echoing emptiness of the wilds” and particularly the “mimicking mutants”! Then end brings us home to reality with a nasty bump but leaves the reader with a positive thought.<<<< Thanks, it sort of came out that way, Wally.Glad you like the overall meanings


Syl, I cant think of anything I’d want to change in this beautiful poignant piece, I love it all!
If I was to be really picky then perhaps your word arrangement could be polished in one or two places;

QUOTE
“Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes. “

Seems a little clunky. You could try :

“Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars
bending to mighty winds or
fields of maize crinkling in gentle breezes.” <<<<<I agree, that's a lot better.

Also;

QUOTE
“From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores and flows reversed.”

Could read as follows:

“From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst
then swirling forward under noonday haze,
I’d sense freedom in summer’s air
and along meandering shores
where flows reversed.” <<<<<<Yes, it makes more sense.

Use or lose Syl, this is defiantly going to be a favourite of mine.<<<<<Wow, thanks for your encouraging words.

XX

and Hugggz

Wally

And many hugggz to you,
Syl***




·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Jun 16 13, 23:48
Post #6


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 14 13, 10:15 ) *
Hi Syl


I have read through this beautiful poem several times and can find nothing to nit-pick. I enjoyed this so much. The beginning transported me back to childhood days - happy times! Yet the ending has a sting in the tail to get the reader thinking. Although poignant, the ending does send a positive message.<<<<<<< LOL, I have a bad habit of putting stings in tails!

I love so many lines - I'll be back after the weekend to write some more.

Excellent stuff Syl!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif

Tx for commenting, Snow. I hope your weekend was untroubled and that Spring has arrived in your neck of the woods.
Hugs, Syl***



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Jun 16 13, 23:52
Post #7


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
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Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 14 13, 10:15 ) *
Hi Syl


I have read through this beautiful poem several times and can find nothing to nit-pick. I enjoyed this so much. The beginning transported me back to childhood days - happy times! Yet the ending has a sting in the tail to get the reader thinking. Although poignant, the ending does send a positive message.
<<<<<<<I have a bad habit of putting stings in tails!

I love so many lines - I'll be back after the weekend to write some more.

Excellent stuff Syl!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif

Tx so much for commenting, Snow. I hope you had an untroubled weekend and that Spring has finally arrived in your neck of the woods.
Hugs, Syl***



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Jun 17 13, 00:06
Post #8


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Group: Praetorian
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Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



Great to have your second visit, Snow. Let's see now. You always give wonderful tips.


QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 16 13, 20:06 ) *
Hi Syl

I'm back for another look at this and still find nothing that really needs changing. I just love his!
<<<<<<<Tx!



When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds pecking in luscious grapevines.

This 1st stanza is magical - the wonderful world through a child's eye. Certainly drew me in! <<<<<<<And I really was fortunate to have 10 years of a "magical" childhood. Kids don't get that sort of freedom in the modern world. Often, farmers live in the nearest village. They don't feel safe on their land anymore. My parents should probably have watched over me a little better, but they were always busy with farming and household chores. I certainly had to pitch in to help them. No work, no play!


Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.

I like Wally's suggestion here:

Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
<<<<<Yep! Will revise asap.

From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores [and] where flows reversed. <<<<<Yes, will do.


Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with [the] sounds of mimicking mutants.

I think 'the' could be mossed out for conciseness <<<<Agreed.

Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

echoing emptiness of the winds
I begin to feel uneasy here!
<<<<<Should I change something? Or is it a comment. I'm getting dim..

Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.

A thought provoking ending, Syl. Very beautifully done


Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif

[b]I'll make a revision, you've both helped a lot.
Hugs, Syl***

[/b]



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Jun 17 13, 00:12
Post #9


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Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Goodness, I double-posted one answer. It seemed to have disappeared, but it turned up again... shocked.gif


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Jun 17 13, 07:37
Post #10


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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE
echoing emptiness of the winds
I begin to feel uneasy here!

Should I change something? Or is it a comment. I'm getting dim..



Just a comment, Syl. I felt like it was preparing me for the sting in the tail.

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif

Let me know when you've finished revision as I'd lie to nom this for IBPC.


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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saore
post Jun 21 13, 11:25
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There is so much to like in this poem Sylvia. the opening stanza is amazing, vivid, gorgeous. I like the suggestions that Wally and Snow made. They are on target. The ending is very beautiful too.

Sergio


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Psyche
post Jun 22 13, 13:12
Post #12


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Revision done! Thank you, Wally and Eisa, your suggestions are smack on.
Cheers,
Syl*** lovie.gif


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Jun 22 13, 13:20
Post #13


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
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Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Many thanks, Sergio, for reading and encouraging me to continue the poetical road. We're all in this together!
I don't remember whether I've ever mentioned to you that we're all learners here. Whenever you feel somebody's poem needs changes, go right ahead and say so! shocked.gif
Over in the fixed form forum, there are some true form specialists. Sometimes, I dare post there and receive some whackings...LOL...

I'll be back to read your latest poem. This afternoon I'm partying!
Cheers, cheer.gif
Syl***



QUOTE (saore @ Jun 21 13, 14:25 ) *
There is so much to like in this poem Sylvia. the opening stanza is amazing, vivid, gorgeous. I like the suggestions that Wally and Snow made. They are on target. The ending is very beautiful too.

Sergio



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 24 13, 08:52
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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Syl,

What a lovely poem to re-read again - Its so nice to bring up oldies and revise (at least I believe this is an oldie)? LOL!

I have a few comments to ponder as you like:


When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.

If these are still magical instants (maybe change to magical), then you wouldn't need to start the poem with this part: When I was a child,

I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds' pecks in luscious grapevines.

This last line needs an edit for "harken to" since it is gramatically incorrect. It needs be either "harkens back to" or "harkening". While I like the old world feel of harken it's not quite right in this line. Perhaps you could use: eavesdrop or entertain instead?

Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.

Day dreams should be one word: Daydreams

Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

Ok -here I think 'shown down on my head' is a bit wordy. How about deleting 'on my head'? or maybe 'shown above as I relished... ? Also, is there a better word choice for 'cold' - perhaps brisk or refreshing?

Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.

Are you expressing that both grasshoppers and sunflowers ARE our solid homestead there? If so, then replace the comma after sunflowers with a dash and then delete the comma at end of L1 and replace it with the dash, which means you wouldn't need another dash at L2.

Lovely - as always T or T as you wish!
~Cleo sun.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Psyche
post Jun 26 13, 00:45
Post #15


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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



Thanks so much, Lori, for dropping by to make suggestions. butterfly.gif
Yes, I have oldie and new versions of this poem. Two reasons for bringing up oldies: I'm totally uninspired due to personal problems and overwork; and new members might have fresh ideas.
It would be lovely if you were to bring back some older poems as well. Not all of us remember 10 year old poems, or were even here at MM. rolleyes.gif madhatter.gif


QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 24 13, 11:52 ) *
Hi Syl,

What a lovely poem to re-read again - Its so nice to bring up oldies and revise (at least I believe this is an oldie)? LOL!

I have a few comments to ponder as you like:


When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.

If these are still magical instants (maybe change to magical), then you wouldn't need to start the poem with this part: When I was a child,

No, they're not still magical instants, I wish they were...LOL...I think it's clear that 'forever days' refers to a lack of time notion in some children's days. I do remember being told off for arriving at supper when it was already dark. Darkness scared me a little, so I would make a mad dash home, clean myself up and sit down at the table feeling guilty. Maybe you never lived out in the wide countryside? It used to be safe!
I could use magical, tx!


I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds' pecks in luscious grapevines.

This last line needs an edit for "harken to" since it is gramatically incorrect. It needs be either "harkens back to" or "harkening". While I like the old world feel of harken it's not quite right in this line. Perhaps you could use: eavesdrop or entertain instead?

Thanks, Lori! This always comes up. 'Harken to' is the same as 'listen to'. Harken is an i.v. but needs a preposition to connect it to its indirect object or complement. If I were to put 'harken back to' I'd be changing the tense of the sentence. It is a little archaic, but I like it and it's still used. I would rather not put 'harkening' because then I'd had have 3 'ings' in that stanza. I'll think about it.


Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.

Day dreams should be one word: Daydreams<<<<Yep! Will change, tx.

Relentless light shone down on my head<<<<<<shone is simple past participle of shine. I could also used shined. It's pronounced 'shon'. But I didn't use 'shown', as you mention. Mixup?

as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

Ok -here I think 'shown down on my head' is a bit wordy. How about deleting 'on my head'? or maybe 'shown above as I relished... ? Also, is there a better word choice for 'cold' - perhaps brisk or refreshing?

I used the past participle of shine, which can be shined or shone, the latter being more British. Not 'shown'. Perhaps you mean wordy because your way it would have two words with similar sounds? 'Shone' is pronounced 'shon'. Anyway, I'll think about the adjective for water. I'd need a shorter word than 'refreshing' as I've already used 'relished'. Tx again!



Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.

Are you expressing that both grasshoppers and sunflowers ARE our solid homestead there? If so, then replace the comma after sunflowers with a dash and then delete the comma at end of L1 and replace it with the dash, which means you wouldn't need another dash at L2.

No, I'm listing familiar things that are totally unrelated to each other, but nonetheless hold enduring truths to a child. It's more of a philosophical expression, as the faltering MC remembers the past and relates it to the present of 'your hand in mine...etc'. Hope that's clear.

Tx so much, Lori, I'll have to make the revision tomorrow coz it's 2.40 a.m.!
Hugs, Syl***



Lovely - as always T or T as you wish!
~Cleo sun.gif


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"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Psyche
post Jun 27 13, 02:00
Post #16


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Thank you so much for the nomination, Snow!

I made some small changes just now. Still time for more tweaks!

Grateful for all the help and comments received.

Sylvia***


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 27 13, 10:15
Post #17


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Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Sylvia,

Just popping back in for a few - rushing as usual, lol! Yes, I am planning to post a few oldies, but want to revise them first. Just flat out crazy busy these days with work deadlines and not as much time for myself.

I like the change to magical & of course, daydreams! thumbsup.gif cloud9.gif
QUOTE
Relentless light shone down on my head<<<<<<shone is simple past participle of shine. I could also used shined. It's pronounced 'shon'. But I didn't use 'shown', as you mention. Mixup?
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

Ok -here I think 'shown down on my head' is a bit wordy. How about deleting 'on my head'? or maybe 'shown above as I relished... ? Also, is there a better word choice for 'cold' - perhaps brisk or refreshing?
I used the past participle of shine, which can be shined or shone, the latter being more British. Not 'shown'. Perhaps you mean wordy because your way it would have two words with similar sounds? 'Shone' is pronounced 'shon'. Anyway, I'll think about the adjective for water. I'd need a shorter word than 'refreshing' as I've already used 'relished'. Tx again!

Yes, I meant shone - silly me! Shone down - isn't it implied to be over the water/above your head? Like 'Relentless light shone down, to touch my head (and soul)
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.

Lovely!
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 29 13, 09:15
Post #18


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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Sylvia, wave.gif

I've edited your nom thread in our IBPC forum with the newest revision. I will be sending our 3 poems tomorrow evening.

I have one more tidbit for your consideration:

When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magical instants in my forever days.


For more alliteration, you could say: magical moments instead of magical instants.

Food for thought! chef.gif
Best of luck!
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Psyche
post Jun 29 13, 19:49
Post #19


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Group: Praetorian
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Joined: 27-August 04
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Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Hi Lori, Juggle.gif

I expect you already saw my post in the other thread. This poem has been published. Never thought about that till now.

Must leave off. A shame and I hope this reaches you in time. running.gif

Hugs, Syl***


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 30 13, 07:43
Post #20


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Oh well Syl - that's ok. At least it brought this lovely poem to attention! sun.gif

Thanks for letting me know - I have removed it from the IBPC email I'm sending now.

Cheers,
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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