O weeping muse - new title - Madness Options

[saore]

revision #2 thanks to Sylvia and Snow.




O weeping muse

Weeping muse...
you make me fall
into a thick misty river,
the tundra where my poems gather.

Madness enters on the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine
in despair.

O my first dead—
Which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the gravesite where all spit
their epitaphs?


Revision 1 - thanks to Eisa


O weeping muse
you make me fall
into a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters with the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
his eyes seek mine.

O my first dead,
which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?


Original

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.

O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

[Eisa]

Hi Sergio

It's so good to see you at MM again.

I love the vivid images you have created here.

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.


Mmm... I think my muse is weeping too.

I notice you have 2 through's repeated in close proximity

you make me fall
through a thick misty river

Madness enters through the wind

I think perhaps this might sound better:

you make me fall
into a thick misty river

or perhaps

Madness enters with/on the wind



O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

Does - which winter squall sound better? I'm not sure. Anyway - take or toss anything I have said. It's very good to read you again.

Snow

[saore]

Thank you Eisa. I have used your suggested revisions. I am however, looking for a new title. The one I am using now is not very good at all.

I am glad to be back. It's been a long time. I have been writing tanka, which is an entirely different mind set. But now I am back to longer poems.

My Best Wishes,
Sergio

[Psyche]

Splendid poem, Sergio. I especially like the questioning tone of the second stanza.

Eisa's nits seem just right to me, nothing more need be changed, IMO.

Glad to see you posting here again, Sergio!

Look forward to more of your work.

Sylvia

[saore]

Thank you Sylvia. It is good to hear from you.

Sergio

[Psyche]

Hi Sergio!

Great revision. May I just suggest a couple of small changes, to take or toss??

revision #2

Madness


Weeping muse <<<<I think an exclamation mark or else 3 suspense dots would attract the reader in. TorT!

you make me fall
into a thick misty river;<<<<< comma, so as to flow better.
the tundra where my poems gather.

Madness enters with the wind; <<<< 'on the wind' is more poetic, I think Eisa suggested that already.

the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine. comma, and then maybe drop down a line and qualify the event, with a word like wretchedly, 'in despair' or 'forlorn'. TorT.

Like this:

the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine
in despair. (or something similar, to finish your idea)


My first dead, <<<<< maybe a dash after dead. Or else as before 'O my first dead!' I like the second choice.
which winter squall <<<<<<Then capitalize Which, where your question starts.
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave site where all spit <<<<<gravesite is one word.
their epitaphs.<<<<<<Question mark, as in your original version.


Sergio, this is a splendid poem. Profound. I like the questioning finale. Perhaps Lori will allow me to nominate it for the IBPC competition, if you agree?
Cheers,
Syl***



Revision thanks to Eisa


O weeping muse
you make me fall
into a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters with the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
his eyes seek mine.

O my first dead,
which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?





Original

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.

O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

[saore]

Sylvia I have edited using your suggestions and I would accept a nomination. Thank you.

Sergio

[Psyche]

Hi Sergio!

Love your poem! I'm off to nom it now in the correct place.

You can still change whatever you please. Lori will be sending you a PM mail for acceptance purposes, but it may not reach you right away. I'm not sure when the deadline for July is. But never mind, it'll be sent asap.

Cheers,
Sylvia

[saore]

Thank you Sylvia. I am honored.

Sergio

[Psyche]

I've just posted your link in the IBPC July noms. I believe you can view it if you scroll down to where you'll see IBPC announcements. Now we have to wait for Lori to approve and send you a PM.

Do remember that it's your poem and you can continue to make changes, especially if somebody else pops in to make new suggestions that you like, or you fancy some other wording anywhere.

Bye for now, do keep posting!
Syl***

Thank you Sylvia. I am honored.

Sergio

[saore]

Thank you Sylvia, I'll be reading the IBPC section as soon as possible.

Sergio

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats on your IBPC nomintion, Sergio!

Should you make any further changes over the next few days, please let me know.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[saore]

Thank you Cleo, I will let you know if I change anything.

Sergio

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello,

Just an update: Based on an email from David at the IBPC, this poem will not be submitted this month representing MM. Sergio has decided to have a different poem from a different board submitted.

Cheer,
~Cleo

[galoutofdixie]

Wonderful poem--especially this

"O my first dead—
Which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the gravesite where all spit
their epitaphs?"



the only thing that didn't seem to quite match (at first) was
" the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm"

but the more I read it, the more it seems to be an integral part of the poem. I love how the whole thing ends on a question--well done!

[saore]

Thank you Leigh Ann. Thank you.


Sergio