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> O weeping muse - new title - Madness
saore
post Jun 4 13, 13:09
Post #1


Egyptian
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From: San Juan Puerto Rico
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Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



revision #2 thanks to Sylvia and Snow.




O weeping muse

Weeping muse...
you make me fall
into a thick misty river,
the tundra where my poems gather.

Madness enters on the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine
in despair.

O my first dead—
Which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the gravesite where all spit
their epitaphs?


Revision 1 - thanks to Eisa


O weeping muse
you make me fall
into a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters with the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
his eyes seek mine.

O my first dead,
which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?


Original

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.

O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?


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Eisa
post Jun 5 13, 16:46
Post #2


Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori



Hi Sergio

It's so good to see you at MM again.

I love the vivid images you have created here.


QUOTE (saore @ Jun 4 13, 19:09 ) *
O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.


Mmm... I think my muse is weeping too.

I notice you have 2 through's repeated in close proximity

you make me fall
through a thick misty river

Madness enters through the wind


I think perhaps this might sound better:

you make me fall
into a thick misty river


or perhaps

Madness enters with/on the wind



O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?

Does - which winter squall sound better? I'm not sure. Anyway - take or toss anything I have said. It's very good to read you again.

Snow
Snowflake.gif



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Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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saore
post Jun 5 13, 17:04
Post #3


Egyptian
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From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Thank you Eisa. I have used your suggested revisions. I am however, looking for a new title. The one I am using now is not very good at all.

I am glad to be back. It's been a long time. I have been writing tanka, which is an entirely different mind set. But now I am back to longer poems.

My Best Wishes,
Sergio


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Psyche
post Jun 5 13, 18:40
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Splendid poem, Sergio. I especially like the questioning tone of the second stanza.

Eisa's nits seem just right to me, nothing more need be changed, IMO.

Glad to see you posting here again, Sergio!

Look forward to more of your work.

Sylvia



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Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Jun 6 13, 04:15
Post #5


Egyptian
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Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Thank you Sylvia. It is good to hear from you.

Sergio


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Psyche
post Jun 19 13, 00:25
Post #6


Ornate Oracle
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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting



Hi Sergio!

Great revision. May I just suggest a couple of small changes, to take or toss??


QUOTE (saore @ Jun 4 13, 16:09 ) *
revision #2

Madness


Weeping muse <<<<I think an exclamation mark or else 3 suspense dots would attract the reader in. TorT!

you make me fall
into a thick misty river;<<<<< comma, so as to flow better.
the tundra where my poems gather.

Madness enters with the wind; <<<< 'on the wind' is more poetic, I think Eisa suggested that already.

the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine. comma, and then maybe drop down a line and qualify the event, with a word like wretchedly, 'in despair' or 'forlorn'. TorT.

Like this:

the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
its eyes seek mine
in despair. (or something similar, to finish your idea)


My first dead, <<<<< maybe a dash after dead. Or else as before 'O my first dead!' I like the second choice.
which winter squall <<<<<<Then capitalize Which, where your question starts.
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave site where all spit <<<<<gravesite is one word.
their epitaphs.<<<<<<Question mark, as in your original version.


Sergio, this is a splendid poem. Profound. I like the questioning finale. Perhaps Lori will allow me to nominate it for the IBPC competition, if you agree?
Cheers,
Syl***



Revision thanks to Eisa


O weeping muse
you make me fall
into a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters with the wind,
the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm,
his eyes seek mine.

O my first dead,
which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?





Original

O weeping muse
you make me fall
through a thick misty river;
the tundra where my poems gather.
…Madness enters through the wind
like the jolt of a wild animal
rising from a spasm.

O my first dead,
what winter squall
carries my disordered
pages, the shroud of tears
we will inhabit,
the grave where all spit
their epitaphs?


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Jun 19 13, 05:34
Post #7


Egyptian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Sylvia I have edited using your suggestions and I would accept a nomination. Thank you.

Sergio


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Psyche
post Jun 20 13, 18:03
Post #8


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 6,197
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Hi Sergio!

Love your poem! I'm off to nom it now in the correct place.

You can still change whatever you please. Lori will be sending you a PM mail for acceptance purposes, but it may not reach you right away. I'm not sure when the deadline for July is. But never mind, it'll be sent asap.

Cheers,
Sylvia JackBox.gif



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Jun 20 13, 18:10
Post #9


Egyptian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Thank you Sylvia. I am honored.

Sergio


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Psyche
post Jun 20 13, 19:27
Post #10


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 6,197
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




I've just posted your link in the IBPC July noms. I believe you can view it if you scroll down to where you'll see IBPC announcements. Now we have to wait for Lori to approve and send you a PM.

Do remember that it's your poem and you can continue to make changes, especially if somebody else pops in to make new suggestions that you like, or you fancy some other wording anywhere.

Bye for now, do keep posting!
Syl***



QUOTE (saore @ Jun 20 13, 21:10 ) *
Thank you Sylvia. I am honored.

Sergio



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Jun 21 13, 11:09
Post #11


Egyptian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
Joined: 17-May 08
From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Thank you Sylvia, I'll be reading the IBPC section as soon as possible.

Sergio


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 23 13, 07:42
Post #12


Mosaic Master
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From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Congrats on your IBPC nomintion, Sergio!

Should you make any further changes over the next few days, please let me know.

Cheers,
~Cleo cheer.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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saore
post Jun 23 13, 07:44
Post #13


Egyptian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 327
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From: San Juan Puerto Rico
Member No.: 508
Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Thank you Cleo, I will let you know if I change anything.

Sergio


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 6 13, 12:29
Post #14


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hello,

Just an update: Based on an email from David at the IBPC, this poem will not be submitted this month representing MM. Sergio has decided to have a different poem from a different board submitted.

Cheer,
~Cleo


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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galoutofdixie
post Oct 21 13, 19:59
Post #15


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Real Name: Leigh Ann
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Wonderful poem--especially this

"O my first dead—
Which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the gravesite where all spit
their epitaphs?"



the only thing that didn't seem to quite match (at first) was
" the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm"

but the more I read it, the more it seems to be an integral part of the poem. I love how the whole thing ends on a question--well done!
 
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saore
post Oct 21 13, 20:51
Post #16


Egyptian
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From: San Juan Puerto Rico
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Real Name: Sergio Ortiz
Writer of: Poetry



Thank you Leigh Ann. Thank you.


Sergio


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