RAINBOW, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Psyche]

REVISED VERSION. THANK YOU CATHY, DON, NINA, GRACE AND EVERYBODY ELSE WHO GAVE ME USEFUL TIPS.  


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Rainbow

When your rainbow
arched over my furrowed existence,
I was astounded
at the paucity of my resistance.
Your psychedelic glow
on trampled paths, stones, thorns
became a starting point
in luminous dawns.

I’m scared, so scared,
of the unsought vanishing,
of concealment, lies and errors,
of our passion dying.
I’ve not rebelled, I’ve not dared,
my love is this terror,
I nurture it, who can nurture naught.

Besieged by dread, night and day,
I’m its apprentice guardian.
Your rainbow will leap over
our pleasure garden,
lightly caress jasmine boughs;
I know my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape.
Plethora of light and shade
on cluttered landscape
will fade...

when your eyes close,
I'll pluck the last rose.


ORIGINAL VERSION

[b]Rainbow

When your rainbow
arched over my furrowed existence,
at first I was astounded
at the paucity of my resistance.
Your psychedelic glow
on trampled paths, on stones, on thorns
became my starting-point
in luminous dawns.

I’m scared, I’m scared,
of the unsought rainbow vanishing,
of concealment, lies and errors
and of our passion dying.
I’ve not rebelled, I’ve not dared,
my love is this terror,
I nurture it who can nurture naught.

I’m besieged by terror, night and day,
I’m its apprentice guardian.
I know that your rainbow
will leap over our pleasure garden,
lightly caress jasmine boughs,
and then my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,
the plethora of light and shade
on my cluttered landscape
will fade,
when your eyes close,
when I pluck the last rose.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2005.



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[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sylvia,

This is a beautiful poem!  The imagery makes it easy
to envision.  Just a touch of sadness as well.

I have a few suggestions that of course may be tossed
with the trash!  *smiles*  {omit}[add]

When your rainbow
arched over my furrowed existence,
{at first} I was astounded
at the paucity of my resistance.
Your psychedelic glow
on trampled paths, {on} stones, {on} thorns
became my starting-point
in luminous dawns.

I’m scared, {I’m}[so] scared,
of the unsought {rainbow} vanishing,
of concealment, lies and errors[,]
{and} of our passion dying.
I’ve not rebelled, I’ve not dared,
my love is this terror,
I nurture it[,] who can nurture naught.

{I’m} [B]esieged by terror, night and day,
I’m its apprentice guardian.
{I know that} [Y]our rainbow
will leap over {our} pleasure['s] garden,
lightly caress jasmine boughs{,}[;]
{and then} my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,
{the} plethora of light and shade
on {my} cluttered landscape
will fade,
when your eyes close,
when I pluck the last rose.

When your rainbow
arched over my furrowed existence,
I was astounded
at the paucity of my resistance.
Your psychedelic glow
on trampled paths, stones, thorns
became my starting-point
in luminous dawns.

I’m scared, so scared,
of the unsought vanishing,
of concealment, lies and errors,
of our passion dying.
I’ve not rebelled, I’ve not dared,
my love is this terror,
I nurture it, who can nurture naught.

Besieged by terror, night and day,
I’m its apprentice guardian.
Your rainbow
will leap over pleasure's garden,
lightly caress jasmine boughs;
my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,
plethora of light and shade
on cluttered landscape
will fade,
when your eyes close,
when I pluck the last rose.

Something like that maybe, just something to think about.

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Sylvia,

How is the deep, deep south?  I shall tackle with a few thoughts.
(add), [delete], {comment}

Rainbow

When your rainbow {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
arched [over] my furrowed existence, {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
[at first] I was astounded {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
at the paucity of my resistance. {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
Your psychedelic glow
on trampled paths, [on] stones, [on] thorns
[became] (was) my starting-point
[in] (of) luminous dawns.  {lots of repeat “my”}

I’m scared, I’m scared,
of [the ]unsought rainbow vanishing, {ing is weak ending word}
of concealment, lies(,)[ and] errors(,)
and [of our] passion dying. {again the end is unstressed weak}
[I’ve not rebelled, I’ve not dared,]
(I’ve dared not rebel)
[my](as) love is [this] terror,
I nurture it(,) who can nurture naught. {good line}

I’m besieged by terror, night and day, {terror repeated}
I’m its apprentice guardian[.](,) {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
[I](and) know [that] your rainbow {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
will leap [over] our pleasure garden[,]{last syllable is unstressed}
(of) light[ly] caresses and jasmine boughs[,](.)
[and t](T)hen [my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,] {seems redundant}
the plethora of light and shade
on my cluttered landscape {last syllable is unstressed/weak}
will fade,
when your eyes close,
[when] I(‘ll) pluck the last rose.
{last two lines are good}

Very compassionate verse.
Simply one person’s observations to accept or dump.

Don

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia

The fear, anxiety and tension of the narrator come across so vividly in this poem.

When your rainbow
arched over my furrowed existence,
at first I was astounded
at the paucity of my resistance.
Your psychedelic glow
on trampled paths, on stones, on thorns
became my starting-point
in luminous dawns.

I love this description of the affect the narrator's partner had on her, it is beautifully and subtly evocative.

I’m scared, so scared,
of the unsought vanishing,
of concealment, lies and errors,
of our passion dying.
I’ve not rebelled, I’ve not dared,
my love is this terror,
I nurture it, who can nurture naught.

moving onto the present and the switch from a high, to a deep low and great fear.  I feel the narrator living with nerves tightly strung, not able to relax for a minute and be herself, yet needing to hold onto the terror, for fear if she lets go then her lover will be lost - so sad.

Besieged by terror, night and day,
I’m its apprentice guardian.
Your rainbow
will leap over pleasure's garden,
lightly caress jasmine boughs;
my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,
plethora of light and shade
on cluttered landscape
will fade,
when your eyes close,
when I pluck the last rose.

she is resigned to his inevitable death and is so scared of doing something wrong that will hasten it.

The last two lines are so powerful.  I agree with Don's suggestion for the last line and I also think to make it even stronger you might consider separating them into their own verse.

Much enjoyed

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sylvia,

What fab crits by Cathy, Don and Nina.

Just leaves me to say well done with another thoughtful and thought-provoking poem of yours.

Thanks for the read, J.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia.

I am in awe of your talent in expressing the fear!  :pharoah2

The soft rhymes thoughout and the finale:

Besieged by terror, night and day,
I’m its apprentice guardian.
Your rainbow
will leap over pleasure's garden,
lightly caress jasmine boughs;
my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,
plethora of light and shade
on cluttered landscape
will fade,
when your eyes close,
when I pluck the last rose.


Just beautiful!

Well done! Your fractal poetry is in motion and groovin!  :hsdance:

~Cleo  :cheer:

[Cybele]

Hello Sylvia,

A rainbow poem, and a very sad one.   The emotions expressed are so well remembered. Can some shining person possibly love me? The dreadful fear of losing someone so precious. New love is so fragile and without true nuturing it will die.

You have had very good crits already and I should only like to offer..

When your rainbow
arched over my furrowed existence,

Perhaps 'arced' would be softer and more poetic?

became my starting-point
in luminous dawns.

'on' luminous dawns. ?

I’m besieged by terror, night and day,

Perhaps you could replace this second 'terror' with dread/fear ?

my shoddy ways
will hasten its escape,
plethora of light and shade
on cluttered landscape
will fade,
when your eyes close,
when I pluck the last rose.

Full stop after eascape and capital for Plethora. ?

Lovely, lovely, lovely!  

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy, Don, Nina, James, Cleo, Grace !  :sun:

I've read all of your great suggestions and crits, thanks very much indeed, and i'll be back. It never rains but it pours, I understand now, because my daughter left but Carlos started on a down-period and also one of the girls from my disabled people's group urgently needs a PC gadget from the U.S., the purchase of which I have to organise without delay. Wish me luck !  

Back asap.,
hugs to all,
Sylvia  

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Sylvia

Thanks for a good read.

I really enjoyed the strong imagery in this.

Cheers

Mike

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy !

Thank you so much for your thoughtful crits. I have to compare with Don's suggestions, to see what goes and what stays. Quite complicated !!!  :oops:  :upside:

on trampled paths, {on} stones, {on} thorns

Oh dear, Cathy, I have trouble deciding on these issues. There are some poets whom I greatly admire, such as the Russian Yevtushenko, who comes to mind now, and they use anaphora - repetition - a great deal. They have no problem repeating prepositions, conjunctions and so on. Is the 20th. Century already out of date? I mean it, this is a serious question, Cathy. What do I do?!

I'll definitely begin L1 of Stanza3 with "Besieged...", as you suggest. Great improvement.

Will be back, Cathy, and eventually post a new version with corrections.

Thank you so much,
hugs,
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Sylvia,

You made me look up definition of "anaphora."

I would say the Russian poets are as up to date as anyone else.  If you like a certain style to copy or emulate, then do it.  Some explanation for background woud be appreciated by dunces such as myself.

Don   :pharoah2

[Psyche]

Hi Sylvia,

You made me look up definition of "anaphora."

I would say the Russian poets are as up to date as anyone else.  If you like a certain style to copy or emulate, then do it.  Some explanation for background woud be appreciated by dunces such as myself.

Don   :pharoah2

Hi Don !  :sun:

I lost what I was writing in answer to your first crit... have to start again...  :turtle: and now your second reply came in !! Thank you !! I have in mind at this moment a poem by Yevtushenko which has an Italian title "Mentreche il vento, come fa, si tace"... don't ask me why the title is in Italian, no idea.... I used to know it by heart and I believe my poem "Love Conquers All" is influenced by him.

I agree that I must remove some "my's" from Rainbow.+

Weak endings: I agree that it's not good form to use many weak endings, but I always understood that meant: ARTICLES: a, an, the; CONJUNCTIONS: and, but, or, when; PREPOSITIONS: of, in, to, with;  et al.... Nowadays, of course, modern poets make line breaks whenever they please.

Since you've pointed out that I've used a lot of feminine rhymes, I understand you don't approve, but you haven't exactly said so. I believe that feminine rhyme endings are OK if used correctly; I'll get back to you on that issue, because I've no time now. Generally speaking, if the feminine rhyme has the same amount of syllables, then that's "approved" by many poets and/or teachers. An example would be guardian-garden (not perfect rhyme, but same amount of syllables and both feminine). Or dying-lying, and so on.

Do you disapprove of these endings? I haven't seen that rule anywhere....hmmm..... maybe I should visit Lori's school, "up there" somewhere in MM....

As I said to Cathy, I have to compare all the suggestions, also Grace's, and see what I can do to make this poem sound better.

For now, many thanks, Don,
best,
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Sylvia,

I am trapped in language of English.  I have read foreign translations I liked very much, say of Russian.  They tend to be remorseful and sad.  They like the Cech poets of note seem to know what to say and say it well.  In many cases they are coded and require someone better educated to translate what they really said.

I take issue with line breaks  whenever desired.  This is true of free verse more than any other form.  In fact variable line lengths in free verse are one or its most powerful features.  R&M forms tend to be established by traditions that do not allow line lengths to suit.

Each of us has gone to different schools and different times and have different likes and dislikes.  For example I've not seen many poems with extensive feminine endings and my schooling (Professor of poetry on tape) touts them to be weak and used sparingly.  His lessons are primarily understanding the romantic poets, which have a setting in time and place.

There are many forms that depend specifically on number of syllables and ignore meter and rhyme.  These are easier due to fewer features incorporated.

I tend to keep ARTICLES, CONJUNCTIONS, & PREPOSTIONS as low stress syllables for easy iambic meter.  I tend to avoid adjectives and adverbs because good choice of nouns and verbs preclude need for crutch modifiers.  Again, my schooling and my bias.

I would tend to place garden and guardian in middle of lines.  I would tend to avoid  ing and ly endings.

I am somewhat set in my ways and comment based on my biases.  As jgdittier pointed out a person needs to know the author's style and preferences to provide beneficial critique.  If you only write free verse, for example, than R&M features tend not to apply.  It seems a long time association is required before two individuals (especially on Internet) become sufficiently familiar with each other.

Workshops tend to squelch originality.  The same is true of trying to comply to every critique simultaneously.  Do what you feel is comfortable for your level of poetic grasp and grow in comfortable directions, regardless of anyone elses viewpoint.

Don   :pharoah2

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia, Don

This is a fascinating discussion but please could you explain what are feminine endings?

thanks in anticipation

Nina

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nina,

A masculine ending is a stressed syllable, like
deBRIS

A feminine ending is an unstressed syllable, like
MUDdle

Glad U asked

Don  :pharoah2

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sylvia, Don, Nina,

I don't see these stresses. However, I'm told that an excellent example of a feminine ending (an extra unstressed syllable at the end of a line of poetry) is:

To be or not to be,that is the question.

The orange-red represent the male (stressed) syllables.

Now, as I say, I can't see it but that is the most famous example of a feminine ending, apparently.

Hope it helps?

J.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Jox,

Very good example.  I would tend to stress "that" and unstress "is."

No telling for scansion.

Don   :pharoah2

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sylvia, Don, Nina,

Don,

I must admit I don't see the stresses so I'll certainly bow to your version!

Cheers, J.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Sylvia, Jox, Nina,


I only stress "that" because it seems the important pronoun for the following statement.  To meekly say "that" and strongly follow with "IS" seems contradictory.

Hey Jox, your insight is as good.  I can also see the stresses you picked as valid.

Have you heard the actor speak the part?

Don

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Sylvia, Don, Nina,

Don,

>D>I only stress "that" because it seems the important pronoun for the following statement.  To meekly say "that" and strongly follow with "IS" seems contradictory.

That certainly makes sense to me.

>D>Hey Jox, your insight is as good.  I can also see the stresses you picked as valid.

Thanks but, alas, I didn't pick them; I'd seen the example elsewhere and used that.

>D>Have you heard the actor speak the part?

Quite a few times - I'm seen "Hamlet" on tv / films five or six times and at the theatre three or four times. I've also taught the play to students so had them saying it and we've watched videos of it.

It is my favourite work in all literature - for me it is better than any other play or poem or novel or whatever. It is a very eloquent way to dither!

Cheers, Don,

James.