The Wizard Wallops, IBPC Contender Rev 1 Options

[Merlin]

Lance A. Little
Caution, Unrhymed Couplets

Revision
A damsel tanning on soft grass
is yearning for a piece of pie
but out where skies are vast and mellow,
there is no hope to find a store
that features fresh banana crème
as she envisions in her mind.
She strokes her silky, chestnut locks,
imagining choice, sumptuous Danish.


A passing horseman sees the miss
upon dismounting for a rest;
he’s ridden many miles this day
and figures time is right to stop
a little while. He stakes his horse
and contemplates on the political situation in Burma *
by strolling to the maiden’s side,
proffers a rose in proper etiquette.
.........* substitute interaction if you lose the meter


With sunshine slowly fading west,
they're in no hurry getting going
but linger in the setting sun,
enjoying what had been pure bliss
on this enchanted meadow spot
between our gal and Lance A Little.




Original

A damsel lying in the grass
was yearning for a piece of pie

but out where skies are vast and mellow,
there was no hope to find a store

that featured fresh banana crème
as she envisioned in her mind.

She stroked her silky, chestnut locks,
imagining choice, sumptuous cakes.


A passing horseman saw the miss
when he dismounted for a rest;

he’d ridden many miles that day
and figured he might go and ask

what tune she hummed melodiously.
He tied his horse to one small bush.


With sunshine slowly fading west,
they didn’t bother getting going

but lingered in the setting sun,
enjoying what had been pure bliss

on this enchanted meadow spot
between our gal and Lance A Little.

[4rum]

Hilarious ! ! ! I would not DARE change a thing

[heartsong7]

A real smile-maker.
Thanks, Merlin, I needed that!

[AMETHYST]

Thanks Eric for the 'caution' notation otherwise the skillfully placed inner rhymes through out would have made me feel as though I just read a perfectly metered rhymed verse - in other words, this is wonderfully done.

The title gives an enticing humorous lead in - each couplet I found was extremely pleasant with strong, unassuming inner rhymes... like ... grass in L1/vast in L1 of couplet 2 find in L2 Couplet 2, and mind in L2 couplet 3 ... and so forth...

I also found the steady, uninterupted story line held my interest straight through-it was quite cute and frolicky.

Some thoughts to follow, a couple of consideration suggestions.

Best Wishes, Liz

Lance A. Little
Caution, Unrhymed Couplets

A damsel lying in the grass
was yearning for a piece of pie

This opening couplet, although I liked the idea of this damsel waiting in the grass, the image in the opening line really gives a weird visual for me. Perhaps ...

A damsel fallen in the grass
was yearning for a piece of pie

However, it isn't a real important nit.

but out where skies are vast and mellow,
there was no hope to find a store

that featured fresh banana crème
as she envisioned in her mind.

She stroked her silky, chestnut locks,
imagining choice, sumptuous cakes.

No, that earlier suggestion between lying and fallen. I think now, it better serves as lying to link the sensuality between lying in the grass / yearning and stroking her silky chestnut locks ... desiring her delicacies ...

A passing horseman saw the miss
when he dismounted for a rest;

suggest ' he then dismounted for a rest;

Good turn over to the passing horseman ...

he’d ridden many miles that day
and figured he might go and ask

what tune she hummed melodiously.
He tied his horse to one small bush.

I felt there was a lot of filler words here-
what lovely melody she hummed,
He tied his horse tight to a bush -

With sunshine slowly fading west,
they didn’t bother getting going

Perhaps 'they never bothered to get going-

but lingered in the setting sun,
enjoying what had been pure bliss

on this enchanted meadow spot
between our gal and Lance A Little.

Excellent ending stanzas. :) Very nice...

[Merlin]

Thank you very much for becoming my three common taters, 4rum, Sue, & Liz.
Tis very appreciated and I'm happy you came and enjoyed.
Liz, I'll consider the suggestions. I do take time off from the project; it's like doing a picture puzzle when leaving and returning gives things a fresh start.

Merlin

[heartsong7]

I do take time off from the project; it's like doing a picture puzzle when leaving and returning gives things a fresh start.

I wish I could convince my pitbull muse to let me do that too. I'd probably catch the best fix faster or at least with less hairpulling if she'd just let it go.
This one's fun to read aloud and I have done, several times over.
Sue

[Michelle]

Ahh, I always wondered what happened to the younger brother of Sir Lancelot. Very enjoyable and clever. I think my only suggestion (and this is not a nit), would be to change 'sumptuous cakes' to some kind of desserts.

Great read,

Michelle

[Merlin]

Thanks Sue, mind you don't go and substitute rhyme in there now!
As to that muse - there's the reason I've now got to force myself to finish this project begun as far back as 2 years (?) and still not completed. It's my handbook, begun as a compilation of different forms and exploded from there.

Thanks Michelle. It's that "cakes" line that was in my eye from the gitgo, because it is too close to slant rhyme and I'm doing UNrhymed. I'll review that to see if a Danish wouldn't do the trick. I believe Lance was in Denmark at some time.

Appreciate the thoughts.

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Have any of the common taters
noticed the exasperators
ending several couplets where
a word is longing to declare
a not-so-subtle genuine
naughty, naughty little rhyme?

[heartsong7]

Thanks Sue, mind you don't go and substitute rhyme in there now!

oops... too late!
I must have been in the midst of composing my little ditty about the same time you posted your reply to my previous comment.
You really are a wizard...or a mind reader, or both!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Eric!

Very creative and the PP almost came along and moved this one to Seren's.

I took the liberty on my notepad to plug in the rhymes but got stuck on these two - care to share?

he’d ridden many miles that day
and figured he might go and ask (?) pray ?

what tune she hummed melodiously.
He tied his horse to one small bush. (?) tree?


Our dear Guenevere and Lancelot - what a couple! You naughty naughty with those chestnut locks and her yearnings for a piece of ass, ROFL!

Enjoy - no nits here!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

More thanks to all common taters.

Lori, I had "play" in mind, but I know that is doesn't work 100% with "what" following. Well, we'll have to let them bounce a little. Early on I saw Lance take his guitar and "play" for the miss.

Tree is correct, even while it isn't the best of rhymes. (ly = lee and tree)

You know, this is all Ron's fault, with whom I correspond regarding humorous poetry. Does it work or not? I'm trying to make it go.

I'll be back,

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh YES- it definitely works.

[Merlin]

Once again, thanks to common taters and readers alike. I've made a few changes, taking into account some of the suggestions. I had previously done a present tense conversion, which appears above including those suggested changes; not all were feasible since there seems to be some be-hind meanings that some have come up with!

Merlin

[heartsong7]

all endings suitably substitute-able
except here:
on this enchanted meadow spot
between our gal and Lance A Little.
try...
on this enchanted meadow spot
where Lance A. Little got a lot.

[Cleo_Serapis]

He surely did 'get a lot' - !

Hey Eric - I like ther revised version more in the layout area, course now it's not longer 'couplets'. :silly:


he’s ridden many miles this day
and figures time is right to stop
a little while. He stakes his horse
and contemplates on the political situation in Burma
by strolling to the maiden’s side,
proffers a rose in proper etiquette.

Now ya lost me again on the rhyming words to go with 'horse' and 'side'.

~Cleo

[Merlin]

Hi Sue,
The final line was originally trimeter, reading between our gal and Lance with the thought that the reader was by now into tetrameter, and would naturally keep going over the edge.

Hi Lori,
Take out the part about Burma, substitute "interaction" so you have
and contemplates on interaction
and then replace a similar word rhyming with horse, of course.

The side one is stride or pride.



Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh my! Why didn't I see that one coming!

Ding ding ding - the lightbulb is ON.

Too funny!