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Posted by: ace Mar 18 09, 17:02

Posted by: Arnfinn Mar 19 09, 01:22

G'day Ace,

Haiku, the poet writes about a moment that defines some emotion, and the poem pulls the reader into that moment.

Quote: Lonnie Hull Dupont.


Well, your poem certainly does that


White clouds stripe the sky
as a jet skies beneath them,
heading o'er mountains.


A vivid picture.

Excellent.


John

Posted by: ace Mar 21 09, 14:46

Thank you, John. They are fun to write aren't they.
This one was sorta double fun since it was composed in my backyard while sky watching.

ace

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 21 09, 17:40

Hi Ace,

Isn't it fun to watch nature? I love it myself!


I can't say that I understand Haiku enough to be useful, however, I thought I'd toss out an idea to add that 'nature' element I believe it needs:

dusting (or painting) snow-capped hills.

Or something along those lines (or for Spring maybe something about peeping blossoms)?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: ace Mar 27 09, 17:05

Cleo:

Thank you for the read and the comment. I agree the third line isn't th best. I'm thinking of making it "shussing snow-capped hills."

ace

Posted by: Arnfinn Mar 28 09, 04:53

Hi Ace,


Nah, I don't think 'shussing' sounds right.

I'll have to give it some thought.





John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 28 09, 09:07

Hi Ace,

Not sure about 'shushing' - how about 'skimming' snow-capped hills?

~Cleo

Posted by: ace Mar 29 09, 14:44

John and Cleo:

You know what? I think I'll take a new course in spelling and typing before writing more stuff.
I meant the third line to read:

"Schussin snow swept peaks."

I wanted to tie into the ski image, so the German word "schussin" seems appropriate and alliterative. Cleo I suppose this lies somewhere between a haikuand a senyru.

Thanks again to both of you for your help.

ace

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 29 09, 17:22

Very nice Ace!

I think it is a haiku since you make reference now to "winter" with snow.

Lovely!
~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Apr 5 09, 23:16

Hi ace,

This is indeed a lovely Haiku. But I confess to not knowing what you mean by 'Schussin'. Or have I missed something?

Syl***

Posted by: ace Apr 14 09, 14:49

Syl:

Have to admit my ignorance...don't know how much skiing you have in Argentina. Anyway. the word "schussin'" comes from the German word : "to shoot" and in skiing here it means "shooting down hill on skis." Thanks again for the interest.

ace

Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 21 09, 00:47

G'day Ross,

Dunno, about in mixing different laguages in haiku.

Haiku's, tend to have a sense of mystery coupled with a purity of language.

For instance you wouldn't find any French words in a Japanese haiku.

It may be an idea to stick to English.

Regards,


John