The Envious Star (revised 25th Aug), Wizard Award ~ Swap Quatrain and couplet Options

[Terocon101]

Revision 26th Aug

The Envious Star

I’m hypnotized in starstruck stance
such grace, this charismatic dance
whilst twinkles twinkle, harmonized;
in starstruck stance, I’m hypnotized.

Transfixed with awe, I strain my neck
above the dark horizon's deck
to take in crystalline's rapt draw.
I strain my neck, transfixed with awe.

Oh joyous sight, it's time we part
back to our worlds: but in my heart
I know you’re always shining bright.
It's time we part - oh joyous sight.

One star then rose to center stage,
eclipsing night in jealous rage.

.


Revision #2 in pentameter

The Envious Star

I am hypnotized in a starstruck stance
such is the cadence of their graceful dance.
Whilst twinkles twinkle as if harmonized
in a starstruck stance I am hypnotized.


Transfixed with awe, twist and turning my neck
to gaze above the dark horizons deck,
in a crystal cool air I drop my jaw
twist and turning my neck, transfixed with awe.


Oh farewell joyous sight, it's time we part
back to our waiting worlds, but in my heart,
I know your always there to shine delight,
It's time we part, oh farewell, joyous sight.


Just then one furied star rose center stage,
eclipsing our fair night in jealous rage.

The Envious Star

This night in awe, I strain my neck,
above the dark horizon's deck
in crystal-air I drop my jaw,
I strain my neck this night in awe.

In starstruck stance I'm hypnotized
by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,
the cadence of their glowing dance
I'm hypnotized in starstruck stance.

Oh joyous sight its time to go
back to the world below, although
you're always there to shine delight
it's time to go, oh joyous sight...

Just then a star rose center stage
I think it burns in jealous rage.

Here's those the best of alternative endings:

just then the sun rose center stage
eclipsing night in jealous rage.

And as sunrise rose center stage
I felt its heat; a jealous rage.

and then one star rose center stage
today it burns with jealous rage

Ok, I've seen a few in loose sonnet(except for rhyme scheme) form. I can make the last stanza a quatrain but just thought I'd try it this way first. C&C welcome.


.

[Michelle]

Hi Terry,

I just love a starry night. You've done well with this form. I like 'ten thousand stars' myself. In S3L3, your should be you're.
Also in the couplet you might want to adjust for a smoother flow to:

Just then a star rose center-stage,
began to burn... in jealous rage.


my best,

Michelle

[Terocon101]

Hi Michelle,

Cheers for that. I wasn't sure about L6, '..twinkle-twinkle' has that touch of humor which I like to include, your selection has been noted.

Your/you're.......I'm always making that mistake... bet you a fiver it wont be the last time either.

Ah the couplet, I have about ten different versions... all meaning the same thing, just cant decide yet. I still might re-write in S.Q like the rest of the poem.

Ok, back to work for me, and you too, LOL.

Thanks!!

[jgdittier]

Dear Terocon,
I'll pass on whether "The Envious Star" is more sonnet-like or swap quatrain-like. In that it is a hybrid and hybrids usually carry the best characteristics of both parents...
I use much poetic license in my writings and have no reservations when others do too. I'd attribute the 10,000 stars to hyperbole (if anyone asks) although only about 3,000 are visible to the naked eye at a time.
I like the ring to "back to the world below, although".
I like Michelle's proposed 13th line although it might serve you well to post all your potential closing couplets.
Keep looking up!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Mary Boren]

Hello Terry, pleased to meet you.

You have a nice command of rhyme & meter, and a clever take on the subject. I have only a few punctuation changes to suggest:

to gaze above horizon's deck

In addition to inserting a possessive apostrophe, I'd like to see you reword so you wouldn't have to leave out the article (the horizon's deck). I guess I'm more bothered than most by twisting the language to fit the meter.

in crisp, cool air I drop my jaw,

When you have two adjectives in a row, they should be separated by a comma. Incidentally, (but not a criticism), I'm not wild about two adjectives in a row, as I think verbs should do the heavy lifting in a poem.

by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,(or "ten-thousand twinkles harmonized)

If you're asking for votes here, count mine for twinkle-twinkle.

Oh joyous sight, it's time to go
back to the world below, although,
you're always there to shine delight,

No comma after although. (It's hard to see the strikethough sometimes.) Period or semicolon after delight.

iIt's time to go, oh joyous sight...

You seem to have trouble with its/it's, as a lot of people do. If it's a contraction (it is) then you need the apostrophe.

Just then a star's rise center-stage,
began to burn... in jealous rage.

No comma after center-stage, and I wouldn't hyphenate it. Why switch tense in the last line -- begins to burn would be better. I think ellipses are way overused, but chalk that up to personal preference.

Good luck with this.

Mary

[Terocon101]

Hi Ron,

Cheers for dropping in.

I'll pass on whether "The Envious Star" is more sonnet-like or swap quatrain-like. In that it is a hybrid and hybrids usually carry the best characteristics of both parents...

Maybe the developer of this form could have the final word on this. I mean SQ and Cleo of course, the person(s) who invented the sonnet might be a little too busy.

I use much poetic license in my writings and have no reservations when others do too. I'd attribute the 10,000 stars to hyperbole (if anyone asks) although only about 3,000 are visible to the naked eye at a time.

Yup, I was aware of the exaggeration but I will indeed be claiming poetic license. I might even refer to Wordsworth's "ten thousand daffodils" if it comes to it.

I like the ring to "back to the world below, although".

I was hoping that would be ok, cheers.

I like Michelle's proposed 13th line although it might serve you well to post all your potential closing couplets.

I've posted a few of the better alternatives under the poem.

Thanks again Ron, your comments are mucho appreciated.

.

[Terocon101]

Hi Mary,

HeHe, pleased to meet you too, I'm a fan of your poetry here at MM, so it's such a pleasure to read your thoughts on my writing.



to gaze above horizon's deck

In addition to inserting a possessive apostrophe, I'd like to see you reword so you wouldn't have to leave out the article (the horizon's deck). I guess I'm more bothered than most by twisting the language to fit the meter.

Will do on both the apostrophe and the insertion of that article. I thought I might get away with that

in crisp, cool air I drop my jaw,

When you have two adjectives in a row, they should be separated by a comma. Incidentally, (but not a criticism), I'm not wild about two adjectives in a row, as I think verbs should do the heavy lifting in a poem.

Comma between adjectives...that's news to me, thanks, as you probably know punctuation is a particularly weak point of mine, I'l remember that one though.
Ummm good thinking, I'll try introduce a verb to replace one of those adjectives. Wanna keep the alliteration though.

by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,(or "ten-thousand twinkles harmonized)

If you're asking for votes here, count mine for twinkle-twinkle.

Yup, that's two votes "twinkle-twinkle..."/two votes "ten thousand..."

Oh joyous sight, it's time to go
back to the world below, although,
you're always there to shine delight,

No comma after although. (It's hard to see the strikethough sometimes.) Period or semicolon after delight.

Will do.

iIt's time to go, oh joyous sight...

You seem to have trouble with its/it's, as a lot of people do. If it's a contraction (it is) then you need the apostrophe.

A kind understatement.

Just then a star's rise center-stage,
began to burn... in jealous rage.

No comma after center-stage, and I wouldn't hyphenate it. Why switch tense in the last line -- begins to burn would be better. I think ellipses are way overused, but chalk that up to personal preference.

The change of tense was accidental. I had so many alternative endings I posted that one without a second thought. I'm gonna change that couplet altogether.
Ellipsis, I've only begun to use these. Never thought much of them but they're definitely useful so I've been experimenting lately.

Ok, thanks for these very useful comments and crit. A good bit for me to ponder and a few things learned. Excellent

.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Terry.

Welcome to the world of the hybrid Swap Quatrain! Kudos for your first effort. I am enjoying the sights from this vantage point! I also don't think you need to end it in a quatrain as this is where the sonnet shines. I was fiddling with this inspiration of yours and want to suggest a possible change to pentameter however. No worries if you’re not inclined to go that way, but I've offered alternate suggestions for you to ponder below (in blue) as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo


[add] {delete} (comment)

This night in awe, I strain my neck,
above the dark horizon's deck
in crystal-air I drop my jaw,
I strain my neck this night in awe. (feels a bit bumpy here and forced for form’s sake.)

This night I stand in awe and strain my neck
toward the dark horizon’s scattered deck
of crystal stratospheres, I drop my jaw
and strain my neck; this night I stand in awe.

In starstruck stance I'm hypnotized (star struck is 2 words)
by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,
the cadence of their glowing dance
I'm hypnotized in starstruck stance. (star struck is 2 words)

In star struck stance, I gaze so mesmerized
by twinkle-twinkle rhythms harmonized
to tempos of illumination’s dance;
I gaze so mesmerized in star struck stance.

Oh joyous sight its time to go
back to the world below, although (a bit too much of internal rhyme back to back IMHO)
you're always there to shine delight
it's time to go, oh joyous sight...

Oh joyous sight, I’m saddened I must go
back to the world below, but this I know
you'll always be there -- shimmering delight…
I’m saddened I must go, oh joyous sight.

just then the sun rose [taking] center stage
[intent to] eclipse night in jealous rage. *I like this alternate best of your options.

[Terocon101]

Hey Cleo,

Thanks for all your work on this one, I really appreciate it.

Although, I was wondering, since this is my first attempt, if pentameter is the norm for this form, I thought I read in Karnac that either penta or octa were recommended meters??

Since I'm not too fond of penta I went with the other?? I don't know why but I always prefer to be as brief as possible. Penta always seems kinda long-winded to me. I've heard that pentameter is the closest to the way we speak in everyday language and that is why its so popular, but I've just never taken to it. It seems kinda old-fashioned, I think it suits that archaic way of speaking like Shakespeare, Milton etc but to a lesser extent modern language.

LOL, I know I'm in the land of pentameter-worship, but this is just my opinion and my personal taste so its only important to me and applicable to my writing. I tend not to critique pentameter either as no doubt I'd be telling the author to trim it down a bit.

My dark secret is out. LOL

Ps. Nonetheless I'll take on board all your advice and consider revising.




.

[Mistral]

Hi Terry dear,

Enjoyed this, I did! I'm quite a sucker for night time scenes and thought it great that you did it in this form. When I've plucked up enough courage, I may try a Swap Quatrain as well as I quite enjoy reading them!

Hugs,
M

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Terry,

The ones I've read vary in the meter - meter is not a requirement of this form, although tetrameter or pentameter is recommended. I've left it open to writer's choice. I recommend pentameter because of the hybrid nature of this particular poem as the sonnet is usually written in pentameter. I haven't read many sonnets where 'brief' is best as it's written more with a 'common way of speaking', so abbreviations are not something I recommend, but again, it's always your choice.

Looking forward to your further inputs and revisions should you be so inclined.

Cheers
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Terri,

You've really taken on a challenge to give birth to this Hybrid. I think the two forms are a powerful partnership and the outcome is a strong poetry form of its own... I just read through some of the other comments and will try not to repeat the basics... I do however like Lori's alternatives in meter. It's a thought...

Anyway, I will focus my comments and suggestions on your present draft of the poem and hopefully something left will help!

Best Wishes, Liz ...

The Envious Star

This is a powerful title. Before reading the poem, it gave me a multitude of meanings... as a metaphor, as a caption of little star jealous of the sun, or a love burning bright... Anyway, I think it is a strong title of good choosing.

This night in awe, I strain my neck,
above the dark horizon's deck
in crystal-air I drop my jaw,
I strain my neck this night in awe.

Because L1 not only is your hook line to give the reader the edge to continue forward, but it is also a repeat line, I felt it opens on a weak note. It isn't a big problem, I believe it is the 'in' or I kept wanting to start with 'I stand in awe' and perhaps 'straining my neck" ( a double iamb) ... It feels a little awkward to do, strain someone neck above the dark ...

Some alternatives might be ...

This night of awe, I strain my neck
above a dark horizon's deck,
breath crystal-air and drop my jaw;
I strain my neck this night of awe.

or ...

I stand in awe, straining my neck
above a dark horizon's deck,
in crystal-air, then drop my jaw,
straining my neck ... I stand in awe.


Of course whatever is your thoguhts and intention! :)

In starstruck stance I'm hypnotized
by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,
the cadence of their glowing dance
I'm hypnotized in starstruck stance.

This is a lovely stanza, infact, perhaps a switch ibetween S1/S2 .. this way the opening is the sight, and the second stanza shows the reaction, the scene from the narrators view... like ...

In starstruck stance I'm hypnotized
by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,
the cadence of their glowing dance
I'm hypnotized in starstruck stance.

I stand in awe, straining my neck
above a dark horizon's deck,
in crystal-air, then drop my jaw,
straining my neck ... I stand in awe.

As you can see S2, sets the nighttime scene and allows you to continue with the first stanza in the place of S2 giving a more detail of the scene the narrator is surrounded by while still maintaining the awe and wonder in his/her tone of voice.

However, S2 is nit less to me I like the way it rolls off my tongue in a soft lullaby tone and expresses a fresh depiction of an old scene. Nicely done!

Oh joyous sight its time to go
back to the world below, although
you're always there to shine delight
it's time to go, oh joyous sight...

Yes this stanza too has a feel of nighttime rhymes and sleepy undertones like a lullaby 0 lovely... the only nit, although weak is in L2, perhaps ...

"back to the world below ... and though"

Just then a star rose center stage
I think it burns in jealous rage.

I think the meaning and twist of the final couplet is applaudable. However, I would like to offer a few alternatives to enhance the image of the sun rising, and the concept that it burns so hot and bright because it is jealous of the night stars that get swooned over... Hjmmmm yes... that is a lovely thought in itself.! :)

Just then a star rose center stage
and burned the night with jealous rage.

Our morning star took center stage
her burning blaze just jealous rage.

however ... what you have is strong too ... these are just suggestions to enhance the image of the sun burning away the night out of jealousy. Great creative thinking and word working...

Hugs ,Liz

[Terocon101]

Hi Mistral,

Thanks, yes I love those brilliant nights when you just stand there in awe, but it is a little sore on the neck,lol.

A lot of my writing is with theimagination... but this one is from experience for sure.

Best Wishes

.

[Terocon101]

Hey Cleo,

Ummm, yes your right. I suppose, since this is a sonnet/SQ hybrid, I should try to make it pentameter.

Does this mean there will be a lot of scansion ???

OK, I'll take it to the body-shop of poetical horrors, that is my writing desk and give it a shot.

Cheers!!

.

[Terocon101]

Hi Liz,

Mucho gratias as always for your time and fab input. Loads of things for me to think about.

You've really taken on a challenge to give birth to this Hybrid. I think the two forms are a powerful partnership and the outcome is a strong poetry form of its own.

I'm glad you thought this a good attempt but as for 'giving birth', I think it was Ron's SQ/sonnet that inspired this response. I think his is in the SQ-chapbook thread.

.. I just read through some of the other comments and will try not to repeat the basics... I do however like Lori's alternatives in meter. It's a thought...

I'm gonna try to re-work something in penta, he said as he swallowed back the acidic taste of apprehension.

The Envious Star

This is a powerful title. Before reading the poem, it gave me a multitude of meanings... as a metaphor, as a caption of little star jealous of the sun, or a love burning bright... Anyway, I think it is a strong title of good choosing.

Cool, LOL, But now I'm hoping the poem lives up to the titles standards.

This night in awe, I strain my neck,
above the dark horizon's deck
in crystal-air I drop my jaw,
I strain my neck this night in awe.

Because L1 not only is your hook line to give the reader the edge to continue forward, but it is also a repeat line, I felt it opens on a weak note. It isn't a big problem, I believe it is the 'in' or I kept wanting to start with 'I stand in awe' and perhaps 'straining my neck" ( a double iamb) ... It feels a little awkward to do, strain someone neck above the dark ...

Yup, my very first SQ line and it shows. Your suggestion later, of a stanza reshuffle is really growing on me.

Some alternatives might be ...

This night of awe, I strain my neck
above a dark horizon's deck,
breath crystal-air and drop my jaw;
I strain my neck this night of awe.

or ...

I stand in awe, straining my neck
above a dark horizon's deck,
in crystal-air, then drop my jaw,
straining my neck ... I stand in awe.

Will consider a revision here, with your suggestions to the fore, it is a bit dodgy as-is.

In starstruck stance I'm hypnotized
by twinkle-twinkle harmonized,
the cadence of their glowing dance
I'm hypnotized in starstruck stance.

I stand in awe, straining my neck
above a dark horizon's deck,
in crystal-air, then drop my jaw,
straining my neck ... I stand in awe.

As you can see S2, sets the nighttime scene and allows you to continue with the first stanza in the place of S2 giving a more detail of the scene the narrator is surrounded by while still maintaining the awe and wonder in his/her tone of voice.

Great idea, to switch stanzas, will do.

Oh joyous sight its time to go
back to the world below, although
you're always there to shine delight
it's time to go, oh joyous sight...

Yes this stanza too has a feel of nighttime rhymes and sleepy undertones like a lullaby 0 lovely... the only nit, although weak is in L2, perhaps ...

"back to the world below ... and though"

Ummm, I get sentimentally attached to bits of poems sometimes. This is one of those times.

Just then a star rose center stage
I think it burns in jealous rage.

I think the meaning and twist of the final couplet is applaudable. However, I would like to offer a few alternatives to enhance the image of the sun rising, and the concept that it burns so hot and bright because it is jealous of the night stars that get swooned over... Hjmmmm yes... that is a lovely thought in itself.! :)

Just then a star rose center stage
and burned the night with jealous rage.

Our morning star took center stage
her burning blaze just jealous rage.

Torture, thats the word for how I feel about this couplet. It has had so many different incarnations and none of them seem just right. I like your

Just then a star rose center stage
and burned the night with jealous rage.

That strange connection between the sun and night is a lot closer than previously.

Thanks a million for this. Now I have .

Best Wises

[Mary Boren]

Starstruck is one word, Lori. Mr. Webster will back me up on this.

Terry, I like your first alternative couplet best.

Mary

[Terocon101]

Hi Mary,

Thanks, I'm just rewriting this in penta at the moment, slow going, and not really jiving for me yet. But your suggestion for the couplet is noted and the spelling of starstruck.

I should be posting a revision sometime in late 2015, at this rate. I hope you drop in for a look-see.

Best Wishes

.

[Terocon101]

Hey Y'all

Ok, I've done it, there's a lot of filler but it's been converted to pentameter. C&C welcome.

I'll just bump this up the thread que, lol, hey out of the way.

Best Wishes


.

[Mary Boren]

I liked the tet version much better, Terry. The revision has some metrical flaws and, as you've acknowledged, is packed with filler.

-M.

[heartsong7]

Hi Ter,
I admire your willingness to experiment with revision.... and that said, may I say, I much prefer your original version. The tetrameter makes it dance just like the stars.
Write on!
Sue