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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Stone Lady (change to structure of stanzas)
Posted by: Eisa Sep 4 13, 16:18
Stone Lady (revision 4)
Moon spills into his studio,
replete with scattered chisels
and unhewn rock.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Will he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?
Elegantly fashioned, you pose
where bumbles and admirals
flit beneath the willow arch
entwined with honeysuckle scent.
Are you yesterday's love
ablaze like floribunda beds,
dampened with autumn's
melancholic tears?
Or perhaps a midnight phantom
lured into Morpheus's realm --
your vision cleaved into porphyry.
-----------------------------------------------
Stone Lady (rearranged St1&2)
Moon spills into his studio, replete
with scattered chisels and unhewn rock.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?
Elegantly fashioned, now you pose
where bumbles and admirals
flit, beneath the willow arch
entwined with honeysuckle scent.
You are yesterday's love, ablaze
like floribunda beds, dampened now
with autumn's melancholic tears.
Or perhaps a midnight phantom,
lured into Morpheus's realm
your image cleaved into porphyry.
---------------------------------------
Stone Lady (tweaked)
Who fashioned you, elegantly
poised where bumbles and admirals
flit, beneath the willow arch,
entwined with honeysuckle scent?
Moon spills into the studio, replete
with scattered chisels and unhewn rock.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?
Maybe you are yesterday's love, ablaze
like floribunda beds, dampened now
with autumn's melancholic tears.
Or perhaps a nightly phantom,
you lured him into Morpheus's realm
carving your image in his memory.
-----------------------------------------
Lady of Stone
Who fashioned you, elegantly
poised where bumbles and admirals
flit? Beneath the willow arch,
entwined with honeysuckle scent.
Moonlight spills through the window;
a studio, replete with scattered
chisels and unhewn stone.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?
Are you yesterday's love, ablaze
like beds of scarlet roses,
now dampened with the melancholy
of autumn's tears?
Or are you the nightly phantom
that lured him into Morpheus's realm
scorching your image into his memory?
Posted by: Maureen Sep 6 13, 02:04
I had to come back to this - I read it yesterday and really liked it - and read it again just now and still really like it - I think it is well crafted and the story line is quite delightful - well done and thank you for sharing this lovely sensitive poem
Cheers
Maureen
Posted by: Psyche Sep 9 13, 00:51
Lovely poem, Eira. This is my first read. The imagery flows smoothly and I like the lights and shadows in it. A painting...
Does this piece refer to a real sculpure, perhaps of somebody famous? I'm dim at 3 a.m., sorry!
I'll return to savour it better. 
((hugs))
Syl***
Posted by: Peterpan Sep 13 13, 07:29
This is a beautiful poem. You are still writing such incredible words. A pleasure to read. Bev
Who fashioned you, elegantly
poised where bumbles and admirals
flit? Beneath the willow arch,
entwined with honeysuckle scent.
Moonlight spills through the window;
a studio, replete with scattered
chisels and unhewn stone.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Does he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?
Are you yesterday's love, ablaze
like beds of scarlet roses,
now dampened with the melancholy
of autumn's tears?
Or are you the nightly phantom
that lured him into Morpheus's realm
scorching your image into his memory?
Posted by: Eisa Sep 20 13, 18:01
Thanks Maureen, I have tweaked this a bit and will post a revision soon.
Eira
Posted by: Eisa Sep 20 13, 18:06
Lovely poem, Eira. This is my first read. The imagery flows smoothly and I like the lights and shadows in it. A painting...
Does this piece refer to a real sculpure, perhaps of somebody famous? I'm dim at 3 a.m., sorry!
I'll return to savour it better.
((hugs))
Syl***
Hi Syl
I have been to a number of Gardens recently and lots of them have a statue of a lady, which is what inspired me to write this.
I am tweaking a bit at the moment and will post a revision soon.
Hugs Snow
Posted by: Eisa Sep 20 13, 18:07
Thanks Bev
It's so good to see you here! Come again soon.
Snow
Posted by: saore Sep 22 13, 08:59
this is a beautiful poem, I feel like there is not a single words wasted. Excellent job, Snow. Wow Brava!
Sergio
Posted by: Eisa Sep 30 13, 16:11
Sergio
Thanks Sergio.
I have rearranged St1 & 2 - I hope this works for you.
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Oct 22 13, 17:18
A few more tweaks!
Snow
Posted by: Psyche Oct 23 13, 01:14
Hey, Eira, what a good idea to begin your poem with that lovely line "moonlight spills into his studio" and to have used that stanza first. It gives it a more intriguing feeling. Makes one want to know more about the sculptor and his work.
Superb difference! Wish I had thought of it myself...LOL... 
Hugs, 
Syl***
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 27 13, 10:45
Hi Snow,
I love this! Since I am not prolific with free verse, I would change the structure of the stanzas so each thought stands alone, allowing the reader to ponder without necessarily needing to use commas. That is totally up to you of course as you wish. My only nit is the word ‘now’ ’ in S2 & S3. I would delete ‘now’. Is the willow arch entwined with the honeysuckle plant which radiates a sweet perfume?
Here is how I would arrange the stanzas, with slight edits for punctuation:
Moon spills into his studio
replete with scattered chisels
and unhewn rock.
His murmurs blend with magnolia
rustling in summer's breath.
Will he sculpt your tousled waves,
caress cool lips into a smile,
drape the curve of your breasts?
Elegantly fashioned, you pose
where bumbles and admirals flit
beneath the willow arch
entwined with honeysuckle’s
radiant sweet scent.
Are you yesterday's love
ablaze like floribunda beds
dampened with autumn's
melancholic tears?
Or perhaps a midnight phantom
lured into Morpheus's realm . . .
your image cleaved into porphyry.
Enjoyed!
~Cleo 
Posted by: saore Oct 27 13, 14:49
Your revision works fantastically for me. Great job.
Posted by: Eisa Oct 28 13, 18:14
Hey, Eira, what a good idea to begin your poem with that lovely line "moonlight spills into his studio" and to have used that stanza first. It gives it a more intriguing feeling. Makes one want to know more about the sculptor and his work.
Superb difference! Wish I had thought of it myself...LOL...
Hugs,
Syl***
Thanks Syl - I keep chipping away at this one! LOL!
Hugs
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Oct 28 13, 18:17
Thanks for your encouragement, Sergio.
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Oct 28 13, 18:21
Hi Lori,
I have written another revision, based on your suggestions and used most of your ideas. I think it reads better. 
Thanks
Snow
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 29 13, 12:51
Snow! 
I like this one!!!
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 18 13, 11:21
Hi Snow,
Would you be opposed to this being nominated for the next IBPC?
I like it as the subject is original and your word choices are filled with sensory delights!
Let me know.
~Cleo 
Posted by: Peterpan Nov 19 13, 03:47
It's so good to see you here! Come again soon.
Snow
Hello Snow, trying. Life is not the same as it was. But, I am trying to get back into the inspirational mode. I do miss you all. Big hug to you. Bev
Posted by: Maureen Nov 19 13, 22:07
it just keeps getting better - great revision - works perfectly for me
Posted by: Peterpan Nov 20 13, 05:34
Awesome Snow!
Hugs. Bev
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 22 13, 11:44
Hi Snow, 
I just nominated this one "officially". 
One last thought on these stanzas:
Are you yesterday's love, <<< remove comma
ablaze like floribunda beds,
dampened with autumn's
melancholic tears?
Or perhaps a midnight phantom, <<< remove comma
lured into Morpheus's realm --
your vision cleaved into porphyry.
Enjoyed the read again! 
~Cleo
Posted by: Eisa Nov 22 13, 16:43
Would you be opposed to this being nominated for the next IBPC?
I like it as the subject is original and your word choices are filled with sensory delights!
Let me know.
~Cleo
Hi Lori I seem to have missed this reply. I am happy to be nominated - wow!
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Nov 22 13, 16:49
Yes, Bev - life is constantly changing. I don't write nearly as much as I used to. Hope you get inspiration soon, I always loved your poetry.
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Nov 22 13, 16:52
Thanks Maureen!
Snow
Posted by: Eisa Nov 22 13, 16:55
I just nominated this one "officially".
One last thought on these stanzas:
Are you yesterday's love, <<< remove comma
ablaze like floribunda beds,
dampened with autumn's
melancholic tears?
Or perhaps a midnight phantom, <<< remove comma
lured into Morpheus's realm --
your vision cleaved into porphyry.
Enjoyed the read again!
~Cleo
Thanks for nominating this one Lori - made my day!
I'll remove those 2 commas now
Snow
Posted by: Psyche Nov 30 13, 00:25
I'm so glad Lori nominated this one for IBPC, Snow! 
You've polished it beautifully, it's like a brilliant diamond. 
Congrats and best of luck,
hugs,
Syl***
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 1 13, 15:03
Lots of luck Snow - I've just sent this in for the December comp. 
Cheers,
~Cleo 
Posted by: Psyche Dec 1 13, 23:28
That's great, Lori! I'm seconding Snow's nomination for IBPC!!
I wish you the best of luck, Snow
Hugs,
Syl***
Posted by: Eisa Jan 2 14, 18:58
Thanks everyone!
Snow
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