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> Critiquer of the Month for January, Nominations, through February 10th
Cleo_Serapis
post Jan 27 07, 10:59
Post #1


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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep



vic.gif Calling all writers of the Mosaic! Viking.gif

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JANUARY. writersblock.gif

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Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

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The details:
  • Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JANUARY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in January as well. detective.gif
  • Post the two examples in this thread.
  • Post only the CRITIQUES.
  • Make sure your example critiques are from the month of JANUARY.
  • State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
  • Eligible forums:
    Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
    Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations
Nominations will be taken through Fenruary 10th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.


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Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic! lovie.gif dance.gif

~ Mosaic Musings Staff knight.gif Pharoah.gif cali.gif troy.gif vic.gif Viking.gif tut.gif knight.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 5 07, 06:39
Post #2


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
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Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



I'd like to nominate AMETHYST for COM in January.

My examples to follow...

In the poem, "Spirit Fox" posted in Herme's, Liz wrote:

Hi Whitney,

First I wanted to say there were a couple of words that I wasn't familiar with and I learned something I might be able to use in my future poetry! So thank you! ...

The story does become a bit confusing with the archaic language. I often like archaic language when it is done sparingly and seems to flow smoothly with the images. In your wonderful story of a magical world, and the tragedy that had fallen upon it. (this was my interpretation) The images are marvelously enchanting, but they lose their grace and power when the reader has to stop and contemplate the awkwardness of the 'thee, thou's etc... '

Some instanza comments and suggestions. I hope something might be helpful and please remember that these are only thoughts and you can either use what might be in line with your intention or disregard them. I think this has 'GREAT" potential and only needs to be drawn out clearer for the reader to spend more time enjoying the imagery and movement, rather than rereading to make it fit.

Another thought I wanted to leave you and will offer some suggestions to tighten up your lines and meter. With Rhyme I always feel that rhythm, go hand in hand!

Best Wishes, Liz

(Lovely Work)




QUOTE (Styrmwolf @ Jan 21 07, 13:35 ) *
Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

L1: the image is awesome. I also didn't know the meaning of 'fay' and found it a thrilling and most inticing word. I have several poems that could make great use of the word and I thank you for introducing it to us. The image comes through as... the full moon enters the night sky, and little elves and pixies awaken and their world comes to life while ours is a sleep. This is how I read this. Perhaps...

As full moon rises, silver fay worlds are reborn (making 12 syllables)
or
Full moon ascends, a silver fay world ... reborn (making 10 syllables)

In L2, the 'And thou... ' really does break the image and too quickly, jarring the reader from the image set in their minds eye.

L3, is 'stalk' the word that you really mean? ... Perhaps I am not getting the intent of the image, and/or the phrase 'specter forlorn'

L4, Again, I would lose the 'thou'


Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

S2L1, This image, although very powerful and strong seems to conflict with the images of S1, has S2, taken us from the emerald greenery, hills and ferns-into a wintry place? In L2, the introduction of "Diana" I think is too vague. It made me stop to wonder if this poem is about a Well known Myth, that I don't know, perhaps the Greek Mythology, in which case, I wouldn't know the story and her name appearence interupts the read. Leaving me wondering what part does she have and how has she caused this hunger


Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

L1, 'thee' isn't the right use here, if you choose to keep the archaic language, perhaps 'thy ... burning fur' I love the use of 'cur' ...


And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

Excellent ending. I would only suggest changing the 'thee in L2.


and in Don's "Shadows Know", in Herme's, there ar actually several exchanges in there:


Hi Don, I am glad you brought this one up with revision. I hadn't a chance to read it before and enjoyed the subject and how you've brought shadows to life, giving shadows some personalification. Allowing the idea of shadows to reflect our inner selves (this was my interpretation) that the wonderment of shadows revealing hidden secrets of ourselves and we might change them, as we might mask our true intentions and our true qualities, but our shadow eventually reveals the truth... 'what lurks in shadows... :)

Some thoughts to follow, there not much left if anything important to nit about but I will see what I can do...

Hugs, Liz


QUOTE
Though under foot, our shadow lies from shoe
to head where secret data stores reside.
On placid pond, the ripples roll on cue
and ponder what our silent shadow shows.

I liked the concept of showing how our shadows begin from foot and works outward toward the head, I never really acknowledge that, but as I read that line I imagined a shadow and it does. I felt the word 'data' was sort of robotic. I interpretted to mean the hidden information that we keep from sight... I'll be back to that, please let me know what your meaning is with using 'data stores..' The remaining image is wonderful. I like the alliteration and the rhythm, as well as the image of our shadows quietly shifting over a pond and the pond debating our shadows existence.

What does it know about the sunshine laws
to veil a dark concern in stoic shade?
Why does it hold its ground despite the flaws
of how perverse we play our poker hands?

L2, perhaps ... of stoic shade? ... The use of 'poker hands' emphasis the idea of hidding/masking ourselves, our intentions, our motivations and true character... Nice simili

Illusions often counter what they seem:
as starlight twinkle caused by earthen air,
or gleam for gold is panned from dreamer’s stream,
and coup of tortoise shell in bunny’s race.

L3, perhaps when panned from dreamer's stream,

The wiggle-squiggle’s fun for us to watch,
when shadows fit the forms of conclusions.
Our shadow shapes maintain a constant swatch
while we re-form to embrace delusions.

I keep wanting to say 'The wiggly-squiggly's fun for us to watch.



I know I didn't leave much, but I hope something I left helps. This is pretty much shined and trimmed, and ready for completion.

Hugs, Liz


and then another in response to Don's reply:

QUOTE (Don @ Jan 31 07, 11:16 ) *
Dear AMETHYST,

I am enthralled that you took valuable time to reread and comment. I shall detail my thoughts regarding construction of this poem. Hopefully, it will not be like explaining a joke, which kills the humor.


Hello Don, Actually I don't consider my time 'valuable', but I did think the poem held high value, in both it's meanings and execution. I was glad to hear your intentions, clarifying some of my own impressions bringing light to the subject. Although I do think, for the most part (even the area's I might have misread) stands on it's own.


The shadow going from foot to head is a reverse of cliché "head to foot."

I caught the flip of the old saying, however - the truth is when you look at a shadow on someone, it does appear to begin at the foot or connecting point (feet to ground) ... So i thought there was a bit more intensity found in the phrase. :)

The path toward the head where the secret data is stored leads us into question of what is known? Our head and the shadow's head are both storage compartments, which is what the second line intends. As you observed, both containers hold information that is inherently out of sight. Ripples on a pond are also an echo or shadow of a disturbance as well as reflecting our shadow in wiggles, which shows malleability of our dark companion. Note the wiggle squiggle links back to the pond image.

Yes, my comments were the same as your meaning with the ripples on the pond... how a shadow, unseen force creates them. Perhaps for "wiggle Squiggle' ... maybe A Wiggle Squiggles ... "

As you observed, the visible activity in the pond indicates that this inanimate body also contemplates the shadow lying upon its surface. We are beginning to see related contortions and effects. The poem is heightening animism and implying that things are as thoughtful as we humans, but silent. Our shadow knows but doesn't tell.

And you''ve presented this with intensity and strong descriptions.

The sunshine law and stoic shade says that despite knowing about open communication, our shadow—the shade—is stoically silent. The better part of wisdom. I like your suggestion of "of" in place of "in." I see both prepositions as equal. Why do you think "of" is better?

I am not sure if it is 'better' or not, but 'of' just felt more natural when I spoke. I sort of see it, hmmm, I wish my mind could remember certain words... let's see if I could 'show' what I mean...
If I wrote the line .... : I paint a room in blue (makes me read this as the narrator is using the color blue to paint a room) now if I use 'of blue' it is the room that is blue, well--it felt natural to read the veiled dark concern is the stoic shade, rather than a separate entity like the color blue. Did that make any sense? I doubt it, but just chalk it up to my ear picks it up as 'of' flows off smoother in my mind and to my ear. Hugs.

Glad you saw the purpose of poker. If shadow is a rendition of physical shape, why wouldn't what we mentally conceal also be what our shadow hides?

That is exactly how I interpretted it. wink.gif

I can agree with "The wiggly-squiggle's fun for us to watch," but this implies squiggle should be plural and making it plural plus using contraction for "is" pushes grammar envelope. I am using "wiggle-squiggle" as a subject noun. To make both modifiers (with ly) eliminates subject.

See above suggestion... 'Perhaps ... "A wiggle-squiggle's fun ... ' or "as is" is fine too! LOL

Of course, the mystery of shadows implies that they know more than we do. When we personify shadow, we naturally become jealous that it might know more, and we are further respectfully unsettled because it is mute.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Though under foot, our shadow lies from shoe
to head where secret data stores reside.
On placid pond, the ripples roll on cue
and ponder what our silent shadow shows.

I liked the concept of showing how our shadows begin from foot and works outward toward the head, I never really acknowledge that, but as I read that line I imagined a shadow and it does. I felt the word 'data' was sort of robotic. I interpretted to mean the hidden information that we keep from sight... I'll be back to that, please let me know what your meaning is with using 'data stores..' The remaining image is wonderful. I like the alliteration and the rhythm, as well as the image of our shadows quietly shifting over a pond and the pond debating our shadows existence.

What does it know about the sunshine laws
to veil a dark concern in stoic shade?
Why does it hold its ground despite the flaws
of how perverse we play our poker hands?

L2, perhaps ... of stoic shade? ... The use of 'poker hands' emphasis the idea of hidding/masking ourselves, our intentions, our motivations and true character... Nice simili

Illusions often counter what they seem:
as starlight twinkle caused by earthen air,
[like starlight twinkle caused by earthen air,]—Don's new line
or gleam for gold is panned from dreamer's stream,
[or gleam of gold when panned from dreamer's stream,]—Don's new line
and coup of tortoise shell in bunny's race.


Both the above revised lines are nice improvements. :) Which this really doesn't need all that much tweaking... so your almost at finish line! wink.gif

L3, perhaps when panned from dreamer's stream,

The wiggle-squiggle's fun for us to watch,
when shadows fit the forms of conclusions.
Our shadow shapes maintain a constant swatch
[Our shadow's shape maintains a constant swatch]--Don's new line
while we re-form to embrace delusions.

Yes. Shadow's shape flow off the tongue soft and smooth.

I keep wanting to say 'The wiggly-squiggly's fun for us to watch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Well, I have to say I quite enjoyed this for many reasons, including rhymes inner rhyes and rhythm, but mostly for the contemplation of a thought that I remember so often debating in my own mind and then to follow the strong theories of the poem brought back lots of memories and inspirations, as well as stirred a thousand connections to your images within the poem. A great work.


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 6 07, 06:13
Post #3


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Extending noms through Feb 10th


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Feb 8 07, 07:43
Post #4





Guest






I second the nomination for Amethyst! She gives such in-depth and detailed crits that I've been paying more attention to what she picks up on so I can learn to give better crits.

Cathy
 
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Eisa
post Feb 8 07, 18:49
Post #5


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Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Cathy @ Feb 8 07, 12:43 ) *
I second the nomination for Amethyst! She gives such in-depth and detailed crits that I've been paying more attention to what she picks up on so I can learn to give better crits.

Cathy


I agree wholeheartedly with Cathy -- I was thinking of nominateing Liz too.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 9 07, 06:52
Post #6


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Thanks Cathy and Snow


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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