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Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 4 10, 07:37

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

Posted by: Alan Aug 4 10, 08:31

Dear Jim,

Having just come from your post on Vin Egre, I find myself in familiar territory. Sonnets and sex, a heady combination !

I have only one offering. that 2nd line immediately struck me as a bit tame, and the more often I read the rest, I still feel that.

they see beneath your soul and find the faults

My offering would be :
they suck within your soul and find the faults

or at least :

they seek beneath your soul and find the faults

Love
Alan

Posted by: JLY Aug 5 10, 06:32

Jim,
A very strong offering that is not covered in candy and flowers.

I have one thought for you:

laid bare with every blink – assassin veils. (maybe change to assassin's veil, which would make the rhyme with "pale" fit a little better)

I thought your final two lines were the strongest and summed up your message with a punch to the gut:

Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

Enjoyed the read.

JLY

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 5 10, 10:02

Hi Jim...
a very thought provoking piece.
I see little here that needs attention in my view.
I did have some small quibbles with the following and offer some
suggestions you might consider if you feel they are helpful.

The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down I would spell 'centers' but perhaps 'centres' is regional spelling?)

to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight. The several long I words (light, fight, tonight) in a short span are a little distracting for me. How about something like: "snuffing out the light"

An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight. "won back" seems a tad weak. maybe surrendered once, recaptured here tonight"

Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain. Love the strong couplet!

just some thoughts,
Sue

Posted by: Michelle Aug 6 10, 09:53

Hi Jim,

this is a wicked gem. Nicely spun. From my perspective, this could be dubbed 'Incubus'. I have no qualms with anything in you lines. You are very talented. If you decide to ammend the line that Sue has pointed to, I'm offering 'regained'.

Great dark poem.

my best,

Michelle

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Aug 9 10, 12:55

Hello Jim,

I haven't been on MM much of late and have never met you that I can recall. Glad to meet you!!! You are quite a sophistocated and accomplished poet in my humble opinion. You've written a wonderful dark sonnet here about evil, lusty night creatures. I enjoyed it very much!!!

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,(A sentence ends after "wise." Need period.)
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,(Need to capitalize "they")
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults(semi-colon instead of comma)
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale(How can one "wield' an eye "lash"? Please explain.)
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.(Are you calling eye lashes assassins veils?)
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down ("Centres" of what?)
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim( A fight with a succubus would seem to me to be "bloody" instead of your "bloodless.")


My comments are just suggestions. Use or disregard. Either is up to you.

Peggy
that Hell and Earth are only one domain

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 9 10, 16:57

Hi, Alan,

I originally had 'search beneath your soul' to qualify the later 'find' but opted for the softer 'see' to emphasise the 'bloodless' nature of the victory - this succubus didn't have to work very hard -and for the assonance with 'beneath'. This should be seen as a soliloquy, a performance piece, so I wanted to use all the tricks of rhetorics I could to strengthen that element. While 'seek' would seem to fit that intent, I don't have any 'k/c' sounds around to pick up on and it does suggest an element of effort I wanted to avoid. I am grateful for the time you took to read and comment, and I do thank you for your suggestions, but feel that I have to stay with 'see' at least in this version - who knows what tomorow will bring?
Jim

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 9 10, 17:03

Hi, JLY,

thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. I can concede your point on 'veil/veils' but there are two eyes and two sets of lashes, I feel that if I use the singular form there it would distract more than the 's' intrusion, particularly given that this should be 'performed'.
Jim

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 9 10, 17:18

Hi, Sue,

nice to see you in here, much appreciated. 'Centres' as a regional variation - suppose you could call it that it's UK English, we've been using it for a while now. The long 'i's', as I said to Alan, this is intended as a performance piece and the assonance of these lines is quite deliberate - the 'once but won back' combination is similar because of the invisible alliteration between 'once' and 'won' and the more obvious 'b' alliteration of 'but' and 'back'. The fact that you found this a 'tad weak' actually fits my intent that the succubus achieves an easy victory. This whole piece is written from her POV and does include an element of boasting. I am aware I'm resisting a lot of the critique offered but hope you and others can understand why,
Jim

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 9 10, 17:24

Hi, Michelle,

thank you for visiting and for that lovely comment, both are appreciated - the gift of another's time is precious to me. As for 'Incubus', I wanted to use the 'lashes' contrast and felt the female of the species was a more apt choice (ducks swiftly to avoid incoming missiles ) On the 'won back' issue, hope my explanation to Sue explains,
Jim

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 9 10, 17:51

Hi, Peggy,

nice to meet you. The period after 'wise', the first sentence doesn't finish till 'define' in line 3 - that phrase is a compound adjective for the eyes used to introduce the subordinate clauses in line 2. The semi in line 4, not sure it needs that strength, particularly since I use the colon separator almost immediately in line 5.

The flip answer is 'just like any other weapon' but I was deliberately drawing parallels with whips here, the fluttering equating with the laying on of the lash - it's actually a little conceit I'm quite proud of.
yes, the pupils hide behind them

I've already dealt with the spelling issue. I'm referencing the pupils of the eyes here, the line structure mirrors line 1 to help make that connection and I had hoped the 'dark pits' would help with that understanding.

possibly, though not from her POV. This whole piece hangs on the premise that the 'seduction' was easy - this soul was lost in foreplay - and if you missed that, then I've failed badly. Perhaps I will have to look at this one again. Thank you for stopping in and commenting so fully, the gift of your time is much appreciated,
Jim

Posted by: Alan Aug 9 10, 20:17

Dear Jim,

I do not think you need to revise - I GOT all the allusions to eyes, veils etc. And believe me, I am very dense in understanding others' poems. Not bein g self-effacing here, just stating a fact.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Larry Aug 9 10, 23:49

Hi Jim,

Been away for a while and it looks like I missed quite a bit of good poetry and repartee. Loved your sonnet and though you have had a lot of crits and suggestions, I feel good about your holding your ground. I'm sure there might be some astute observations made about the allusive meanings woven into your poem and how you might improve them but I fail to see how one could improve Succubus. The inner rhymes are not intrusive and the alliteration used is a thing of beauty. Thank you for sharing with us.

After all the praise, there has to be a "but" to follow. Mine is "grey-steel". Hope you are not using "grey" as a color; that would be gray. Perhaps this usage refers more to the "Scots Greys Regiment" being a strong force. Perhaps not! Donno! On this side of the pond, one would say "steel gray" when talking about a certain color of eyes which seem to pierce the soul. I know it's not a big thing but it did throw me off for a bit on first read.

Again, thanks for sharing.

Larry

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 10 10, 05:54

Hi,Larry,

thank you for taking the time to stop by, always appreciated. On 'grey', yes that is the colour being referenced - it's how we spell it, 'Gray' is the family 2 doors up on the left. I am in good company, I think, when you remember Tolkien's 'Grey Pilgrim' and 'Grey Havens' or was that edited over there?

Seriously speaking, I don't think it's too much to ask American readers/friends to make this small concession, that we Brits can use the spellings we are used to - after all we excuse the variations you use. Not just in spelling but stressing differs, sometimes markedly; you say O-ffence, we say o-FFENCE same with DE-fence (US) and de-FENCE (UK). It's usually quite easy to see what stressing the poet intends and providing it agrees with the needs of the line I have no problems with that. A little toleration never hurts, after all wasn't it Ben Franklin who said 'a man who can think of only one way to spell a word is lacking in imagination' or words to that effect. Come to think of it, that quote is probably what led to the situation now where we have 'two countries separated by a common language'.
Jim

Posted by: Alan Aug 10 10, 08:16

Dear Jim,

In situations like this I ask Americans what language they speak. They usually say 'English'. Point proven, no ?

Love
Alan

Posted by: Larry Aug 11 10, 23:33

Okay Jim (and Alan),

Like I said, it was no big thing on the spelling so don't "Bash the Yank" too much. Perhaps I should clarify my thoughts because my main concern was the "grey-steel" part which places the modifying adjective "steel" after instead of before the color of the eyes "grey". Have I screwed up again with another Americanization of the Queen's English? If so, I shall bow out gracefully and just enjoy the read.

Larry

Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 12 10, 04:07

Hi, Larry,

would never dream of 'Bashing the Yank' just asking for a little slack to be cut . On the reversion of 'grey-steel', I did want to suggest that piercing quality you describe so well - hence they 'see beneath your soul' - but also to paint a hardness/lifeless element to this creature, to bring out its 'inhuman' nature. Hope that makes sense, and no, it's not a culture difference just me trying to be a bit too clever maybe - has been known to happen in the past.
Jim

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 10 10, 11:23

Hi Jim,

I enjoyed this 'darker' poem! I have some suggestions below for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults, Suggest ‘straight through’ for beneath. Also, would you consider subbing ‘the’ for something else? Or perhaps “and find the faults: frailties which redefine. These eyes chastise"
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise Got an extra beat here in this line – suggest ditching ‘the’ as mentioned above.
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide This seems awkward. Suggest something like ‘you build inside: no harbour’s left to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils. Nice!
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down Suggest replacing ‘to’ with ‘shall’
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight. Suggest ‘surrendered once: victorious tonight.' I just offer this example as I try not to use the word 'but' if possible.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain. I believe you need to swap ‘are’ with ‘is’?