Poetic Challenge using Longfellow's "Excelsior" Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all,

Based on the success of the Robert Frost challenges here in Karnak, I'll throw a new (old) poet into the mix. This one is a bit longer with nine quatrains.

Taking Longfellow's Excelsior poem below, create your own using the same end words of each line. ONE REQUIREMENT - REPLACE the word "Excelsior" with something else of your choosing and it should also be your title..

Good luck!
~Cleo

Excelsior


The shades of night were falling fast,
As through an Alpine village passed
A youth, who bore, 'mid snow and ice,
A banner with the strange device,
Excelsior!

His brow was sad; his eye beneath,
Flashed like a falchion from its sheath,
And like a silver clarion rung
The accents of that unknown tongue,
Excelsior!

In happy homes he saw the light
Of household fires gleam warm and bright;
Above, the spectral glaciers shone,
And from his lips escaped a groan,
Excelsior!

"Try not the Pass!" the old man said:
"Dark lowers the tempest overhead,
The roaring torrent is deep and wide!
And loud that clarion voice replied,
Excelsior!

"Oh stay," the maiden said, "and rest
Thy weary head upon this breast!"
A tear stood in his bright blue eye,
But still he answered, with a sigh,
Excelsior!

"Beware the pine-tree's withered branch!
Beware the awful avalanche!"
This was the peasant's last Good-night,
A voice replied, far up the height,
Excelsior!

At break of day, as heavenward
The pious monks of Saint Bernard
Uttered the oft-repeated prayer,
A voice cried through the startled air,
Excelsior!

A traveller, by the faithful hound,
Half-buried in the snow was found,
Still grasping in his hand of ice
That banner with the strange device,
Excelsior!

There in the twilight cold and gray,
Lifeless, but beautiful, he lay,
And from the sky, serene and far,
A voice fell, like a falling star,
Excelsior!


Copyright © Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

[Larry]

Farewell

Life’s shadow faded much too fast
to see the tears. My time had passed
into that somber realm of ice,
impaled on Death’s extreme device.
Farewell.

From sunshine, now I lie beneath
Earth’s emerald face in silken sheath;
deaf to soft steeple bells which rung
my epitaph with gilded tongue.
Farewell!

Though some had said, “Walk to the light
which shines on spirits, pure and bright.”
The lives I’d lived before were shone
to me… A hypermnesia groan!
Farewell?

Mistakes in life, things done and said,
no Hell or Heaven overhead;
just endless doorways open wide.
“Again?” Nirvana’s guard replied,
“Farewell!”

So I returned once more to rest
upon another mother’s breast;
forgetting sights seen with soul’s eye,
retracing life until Death’s sigh.
Farewell.

As each tree grows, a broken branch;
and mounts succumb to avalanche,
experience a last goodnight,
when worn to sand from snow-capped height.
Farewell.

Words softly said, sent heavenward
as I’m interred near Saint Bernard,
a tiny church submerged in prayer,
while dirge was played; a solemn air.
Farewell.

Soul sought again, like baited hound,
for last rewards but naught was found.
Though body lay as cold as ice,
caught once again in Death’s device.
Farewell.

Then, suddenly, through silv’ry gray
I saw the door. Nirvana lay
before me now, and from afar
a voice rang out, bright as a star;
“Fare Well!”

Larry

[Larry]

HELLO, hello, ello, lo, o.

Since no one else seems interested in taking up the gauntlet, I'll add another two cents. Can you see where this one was going before the end?

Flashing

I knew that thing was going way too fast
‘cause I was at one hundred when it passed
me on that black top road encased in ice.
It was a pickup truck. Some weird device,
flashing

from grill or hood or maybe just beneath
reflected like a knife pulled from its sheath.
I didn’t hear a horn or bell that rung
a warning. So I lashed them with my tongue,
flashing

foul words that never should have seen the light
of day. They glanced at me, eyes clear and bright
as they flew past with middle fingers shone
at me. “Oh no!“ I said with red necked groan!
Flashing

lights and sirens made them stop. I said,
as I walked up, leaned on the overhead,
“Hey boys, you must’a had it open wide
and they just grinned and winked and one replied,
flashing

his badge at me; “It’s faster than the rest
and drives as smooth and any lady’s breast!”
I saw the badge, “Wise County FBI.
“What are ya’ll chasing?” With a hurried sigh,
flashing

me a big grin, one said, “You know the branch
of road they cut around that avalanche?”
“No one up there has had a real good night.”
“Seems something fell on top of that bald height,
flashing

lots of strangely colored beams heavenward.”
“The crazy miner with his Saint Bernard
lives up that way. He didn’t stand a prayer
when that thing hit his storage shack. The air,
flashing

from dynamite, killed him and his old hound,
but nothing of that UFO was found.
It might have sunk right through the glacier’s ice,
or got blown up except for one device,
flashing.

A little cube with lights from red to gray,
embedded in the surface. Where it lay,
was smooth as glass. We’re headed from afar
to see the light that’s shining like a star,
flashing.


Larry
&
The Three Wise Men.

[Larry]

Is there anybody out there? Are nine quatrains too much to ask? Perhaps the third time will be the charm.


Emeralds

Last vestiges of Winter faded fast
as days grew longer. Now that solstice passed
into a yesterday of snow and ice,
the warmth returns. A gift, Nature’s device.
Emeralds

appear upon each tree and down beneath
enveloping the earth in jeweled sheath.
Wisteria, entwined on trellis rung,
is burgeoning with mauve and green tipped tongue.
Emeralds

add color to stark woodlands, veil the light
which had reflected from the ice; too bright.
Subdued, the moonlit glow of snow, once shone
to cause the mighty oak’s strong arms to groan.
Emeralds.

Each season’s time is meted out, it’s said,
by those celestial bodies overhead
which rule their passage. None too long or wide
to staunch that change and to this I replied,
“Emeralds

make Spring the fairest; better than the rest!”
Sweet daffodils and russet Robin’s breast
are food for heart and soul as well as eye.
To view life’s fresh renewal makes me sigh,
Emeralds.

I watch the flowering of bush and branch
amidst jade buds. A verdant avalanche
begins as Winter falls in that good night.
Spring’s touch is felt; assails the mountains’ height.
Emeralds

surround each meadow’s blooms. From heavenward,
come minions of the patron, Saint Bernard.
to touch each flower, softly, like a prayer,
then disappear into the warming air.
Emeralds

find freshly scented trails, like faithful hound,
to decorate. Where death had ruled, they found
small sips of life. Still ponds, which once were ice
are quickly clad in moss. Nature’s device…
Emeralds.

From snowy white beneath a sky of gray
to fields of beryl bounty where I lay
my head. A transformation from afar
returns to change my world. Gem’s precious star,
Emeralds


Larry

TY Henry!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Larry - WOW! You are a writing machine!

I'll be back to offer commentary when I have some down time to read these awesome responses!

Got to run to work - I would love to try this one - nine stanzas IS a bit daunting, !

Great job!
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Lori,

Finally, some one came to poor Karnak's neck of the woods for a visit. It was lonesome for the last 9 1/2 days. I've got one more in the works for this thread but am having trouble with the SQ aspect of it. A 9 quatrain SQ is even more daunting but we shall see. Glad you liked the three and hope you were able to stay and read all of them.

Larry

[Sekhmet]

Today is the opening day of one of the greatest dog shows in the world. Crufts. Here,the finest dogs, (all Supreme Champions in their own countries), gather for the accolade of, ' Best in Breed'.
I thought a little doggerel, giving the thoughts of a St Bernard, might be in order, today of all days.

BEST IN BREED
The time is now approaching fast.
Two years from my birth have passed.
Now ends the winter's snow and ice;
soon will I bear that great device -
Best in Breed!

The judges poke about beneath;
investigate my penile sheath
My withers well and truly wrung;
no fault is found with teeth or tongue.
Best in Breed!

Not too heavy, not too light.
Brown eyes shining, clear and bright.
Burnished coat, with brushing shone;
not one burr to cause a groan,
Best in Breed!

'Born to win!' I've heard it said
Experts, whispering overhead.
''Aren't his eyes a trifle wide?'
'I can't fault him'. one replied.
Best in Breed!

To my stall, to get some rest.
Hear my Master's beating breast.
Regard him with a bloodshot eye.
Settle down, and heave a sigh.
Best in Breed!

Bad genes ousted, root and branch.
Bred to face an avalanche.
Calm by day, and brave by night;
my massive prowess, at its height.
Best in Breed!

My Master's prayer drifts heavenward.
'Please look upon this Saint Bernard.
God, grant an answer to my prayer
that we may snatch, from out the air,
Best in Breed!

A weighty task for any Hound,
that such perfection must be found,
in dogs just bred for snow and ice
to win a be-ribboned strange device
Best in Breed!

New dawn , breaking, cold and grey.
In homely kennel - now I lay.
My name renowned both near and far,
for now, I bear that rosette star.
Best in Breed!

Attached File(s)

 BEST_IN_BREED.doc ( 24K ) Number of downloads: 0

 

[Sekhmet]

Yes! There is still a little life life at Karnak Crossing!
That was some tricky challenge, Cleo!
Larry, you are officially nominated as our leading poetic multi-tasker! Three versions of the horrendously long, 'Excelsior!' in three very different moods, have showcased your versatility with elegance.
Respect!
Leo

[Larry]

Hi Leo,

Thanks for the nomination. Too bad that none but an adventurous few will ever be aware of it due to the paucity of participation. I don't know if this forum is open for crits so, after seeing your answer to the challenge posted in Hermes, I'll add my thoughts there.

The wife and I love to watch dog shows. I wish that the Crufts show could be aired over here, even in a taped delay, but I've never seen that one.

As I told Lori, I am working on another answer to this challenge but the task is somewhat daunting when trying to tailor the poem to be in Swap Quatrain format. Still working on it but may never get it done.

Larry

[Larry]

Ta-Daa! An answer to the challenge in SQ format. Whew, that was tough.

Breathes Death

Ra’s bright device, while waning much too fast
to herald an approaching night, has passed
its zenith. Cloaking all the world in ice
while waning much too fast. Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Catastrophe’s chill tongue… Fire dead beneath
its skin; a cancerous and blackened sheath,
is merely sign the fateful bells have rung.
Fire, dead beneath catastrophe’s chill tongue,
breathes death

with stellar groan; proclaims the ending light.
As shadows dance through days once clear and bright,
the distant stars observe. What once had shone
proclaims the ending light with stellar groan;
breathes death.

No one replied as mournful prayers were said
imploring pity. Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss; mouth gaping wide
as mournful prayers were said. No one replied!
Breathes Death,

“Hear now that solar sigh. Entropy’s rest
has stolen time!” No succor from the breast
which gave you life. All blinded stars will eye
entropy’s rest. “Hear now! That solar sigh
breathes death.”

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. The galactic avalanche
renews itself within the void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.

Hot air, wind from the stars, speeds heavenward.
Zeta-Reticuli, no Saint... Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol’s final prayer.
Wind from the stars speeds heavenward. Hot air
breathes death.

Ra’s bright device, like Isis’ faithful hound
emerging from its underworld, was found
to mark the solstice’s warmth. Shining like ice,
like Isis’ faithful hound, Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Once molten star, Sol turned a sullen gray
and sightless orb toward a place where lay
its children’s frozen ashes. From afar,
Sol turned a sullen gray. Once molten star
breathes death.


Larry D. Jennings

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Larry!!! Good lord man, I've just got a chance to come and look at this challenge and here you are with four replies no less...Sheeesh how's a body supposed to keep up wit' ya??? I have a hell of a time writing one quatrain never mind nine and now you go and give us 36? Resorting to elementary school taunts....Ya big show off!!! LOL.
Seriously Larry, I stand in awe while bowing down, I think your talent is way above the means to match this challenge. But I do have some small thoughts rumbling around somewhere in the very bare back corners of my head I just have to go find the references I need... and then I shall see. I won't promise, nine but maybe i can get one or two out. I do read these.. and I am one that finds it hard to not reply to a challenge, but this... I don't know.

I'll be back (as Ahnoold said in that movie)

Steve

[Larry]

Hi Steve,

I enjoy a good challenge and since Longfellow (and Poe) are two of my favorite writers, I would be remiss in not answering. Too bad I can't achieve their level of excellence, but then, we would not be posting our work to see it published.

Thanks for your praise of my submissions. Glad I can share my work with anyone who cares to read it and in this Forum, that group has become limited. Too bad!

The ideas for my answers come from the given words themselves. The last one, "Breathes Death", actually was inspired by just one of the words; "Bernard"! That star is the third nearest us and slowly, by galactic standards, is headed directly toward the Sol system. Scientist think that perhaps they will collide in a few billion years or so. Anyway, the synapses flashed on that word and Ta Daa!

Larry

I'm sure you can grind out more than two quatrains Steve. Don't under rate yourself.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Leo,

Welcome to the FUN! I enjoyed your 'Best in Breed' response - a heart-felt ending too! I think you have it out for crits too, correct? There's a few teensy nits I have (spelling and meter in a few places) and will try to comment in your post as soon as I can.

Well done!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Larry, Larry, Larry!

WOW - I'm very impressed!

Not only have you done a few responses to this but you also did an SQ - FANTABULOUS job!

I really like the mystical feel to this one and especially:

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. The galactic avalanche
renews itself within the void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.

Keep up the awesome work! I hope my muse will be inspired as much as I!

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

[Sekhmet]

Hello Cleo! Thanks for finding time to look at, 'Best of Breed'. Please keep that meter running.
I have been much occupied for the last couple of months, and was shocked, upon my return, to find such a sadly depleted number of responses.
I was daunted by the Challenge of, 'Excelsior!'; how on earth can one casually slip a St Bernard into the last words of a line of poetry? But Larry's spectacular output goaded me to at least give it a go.
Is the inclusion of, 'difficult' words to be our newest form of torture? I see that for X10 for March 20th, 'giggle' has to be shoe-horned in somewhere. I await the appearance of ,'orange' with dread!
Hugs, Leo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Leo,

Ah, the dreaded times ten words; I say that because I usually post them but am always looking for others to chime in as Alan does from time to time and Daniel used to a while back as have a few others. If you'd like, just keep a notepad of words and send them along and I'll incorporate them. I don't think Orange is on my radar but sherbet is, !

Honestly, I wasn't sure that this specific challenge would elicit any responses so I'm quite proud to read them here. I actually started one myself on my laptop downstairs but have only written the first stanza (same with the other ones). One of these days - I've been precoocupied with other things like flooding basements here at home. Ah SPRING is here, !

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

You have inspired my muse (first stanza only I'm afraid this morning thus far) to respond to your lovely, "Emeralds" poem. Here goes:

Emeralds

Last vestiges of Winter faded fast
as days grew longer. Now that solstice passed
into a yesterday of snow and ice,
the warmth returns. A gift, Nature’s device.
Emerald

First vestiges of springtime flourished fast
as nights grew longer. Oh how time has passed!
No longer are there signs of winter’s ice,
instead, I see the warmth of Her device.
Nature!
Be back with more later!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry et al,

I'm back with a few more stanzas in response to Larry's poem, Emeralds... Here goes (I have to write in bits and pieces).

First vestiges of springtime flourished fast
as nights grew longer. Oh how time had passed!
No longer are there signs of winter’s ice;
instead, I see the warmth of Her device.
Nurtured Earth.

Her servants of enrichment lay beneath
a shroud of russet, buried in their sheath --
at one with other creatures on a rung
ascending terra firma, plunging tongue.
Nurtured Earth.

Jade creepers flirt, entwined in dawn’s vast light
parading lengthy shoots amongst the bright
reflections of Her smile that She had shone
to those who came before; nary a groan –
Nurtured Earth!

I’ve often heard how Mother always said
from perched atop the world - just overhead,
“Be kind to all my creatures far and wide.”
“Solid advice,” I heartily replied,
“Nurtured Earth.”


Be back again!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Slight change to the refrain L5 and added stanza/...

[Alan]

Kentucky Fried !

The shades of night were falling fast,
as through a shopping village passed
a youth, who bore some drinks well iced,
and buckets faced with strange device :
Kentucky Fried !

His brow was bare; his eye beneath
stared in the dark, no covering sheath
A found ladder with missing rung !
He swore, in ancient, well-known tongue,
Kentucky Fried !

In hospital he saw the light
of op-table gleam cold and bright;
above, spectre-like surgeons shone,
from his starved lips escaped a groan,
Kentucky Fried !

"Don’t take the piss!" the doctor said:
"Pain’s heightened tempest in your head,
roaring agony that’s deep and wide.”
Loud voiced “Where is it ?” he replied,
Kentucky Fried !

"Oh shush", the doctor said, "and rest,
forget your bloody chicken breast!"
Stark fear shone in boy’s wavering eye,
but still he answered, with loud sigh,
Kentucky Fried !

"You’ll go ‘gain to KFC branch,
with litter then streets avalanche!."
Thus was the young lad’s last good-night;
his voice replied, down from the heights,
Kentucky Fried !

Mere break of leg, but heavenward;
the pious folks of Saint Bernard
carried the lad with muttered prayer,
ghost voice cried through the startled air
Kentucky Fried !

Young traveller KFC would hound,
hung from broken ladder, found
still grasping in his hands of ice
those buckets with the strange device,
Kentucky Fried !

There in the twilight cold and gray,
Lifeless, but beautiful, they lay,
And from the sky, disturbed, not far,
his voice screamed, like a falling star,
Kentucky Fried !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

PS Only just found this challenge today ! Really enjoyed the other responses!