Insignificant - Revision 8/12/07, An Old Poem Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~Revision 1~~~~~~~~~~~

Insignificant

Like raindrops on your windowpane
or snowflakes on your brow.
Just unimportant notions that
were never said aloud.

Much like an airy Autumn breathe
sighed secrets of the soul,
the silent humming of birdsong
or childish tale once told.

I'm miscellaneous to you...
a beachshore we once strolled
or winter shiver passing by
when our love turns bitter cold.

I fade from every thought you have,
much too quick to savor ...
the twinkling star, a tear, much like
a forgotten favor.

Dismissed ... like a fly on the wall,
a crack beneath your shoe...
How could you think me so trivial?
When all I dream is you.



The final line isn't the final revision, I am using dream as a place holder till the right words come along




~~~~~~~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~~~
Insignificant

Like a raindrop on your window,
a snowflake melted on your brow.
Just miscellaneous notions
that were never spoken out loud.

As an autumn breeze that whispers,
precious secrets into your soul
and the quiet hum of birdsong,
like a child’s fairytale once told

I'm insignificant to you,
as the sandy beaches we strolled.
and a winter shiver passing
when our lives turn bitter cold

I fade from your heart so swiftly;
much too quick to ever savor.
As the twinkling of stars above
and a long forgotten favor.

Ignored; as a fly on the wall,
a dirty crack beneath your shoe.
How could you think me so trivial?
When all I think about is you

Reason for edit: REvision

[heartsong7]

Written too long ago to remember, open for full critique.


Insignificant

Like a raindrop on your window,
a snowflake melted on your brow.
Just miscellaneous notions
that were never spoken out loud.

As an autumn breeze that whispers,
precious secrets into your soul
and the quiet hum of birdsong,
like a child’s fairytale once told

I'm insignificant to you,
as the sandy beaches we strolled.
and a winter shiver passing
when our lives turn bitter cold

I fade from your heart so swiftly;
much too quick to ever savor.
As the twinkling of stars above
and a long forgotten favor.

Ignored; as a fly on the wall,
a dirty crack beneath your shoe.
How could you think me so trivial?
When all I think about is you

Hi Liz...
It's a wistful, touching sentiment that I'm sure many of us can relate to. I keep wanting to read it with a ballad beat,
-|-|-|-|
-|-|-|
-|-|-|-|
-|-|-|
with the short lines rhyming.
example:
Like raindrops on your windowpane,
or snowflakes on your brow.
Just unimportant notions that
were never said aloud.
The meter is not consistant now, though it does flow conversationally. If that's what you intend, I'm not equipped to recognize what needs changing. If you want consistant tetrameter, (or tet, alternating with tri) it needs work.
Lovely thoughts in this.
I know you can make it sing.
Best to you,
Sue

[Alan]

InsignificanCE ?

Like a raindrop on your window, - I’m like a ?
a snowflake melted on your brow. - OR snowflake ?
Just miscellaneous notions - Such misc ...?
that were never spoken out loud. - are never to be said out loud ?

As an autumn breeze that whispers, - It’s an ? no comma ?
precious secrets into your soul - to rather than into ?
and the quiet hum of birdsong, - like the quiet ?
like a child’s fairytale once told - or a fairytale ?

I'm insignificant to you, I’m an insignificance to you ?
as the sandy beaches we strolled. - like grains on sandy beach we str .. ?
and a winter shiver passing - or a winter ?
when our lives turn bitter cold - grow bitter-cold ?

I fade from your heart so swiftly; - Faded from your ... ?
much too quick to ever savor. - far too quickly to savour ? Allit !
As the twinkling of stars above - no cap - sorry Liz, this line is cliche !
and a long forgotten favor.

Ignored; as a fly on the wall, - you could drop these 2 lines, they are straining for more metaphors when you have well made the point already ? Needs complete recast.
a dirty crack beneath your shoe.
How could you think me so trivial?
When all I think about is you

Perhaps :

Insignificant; a fly speck on your wall,
pavement, cracked beneath your shoe.
As trivial, was how you saw me,
while all I thought about was you ....

Love
Alan

[Mistral]

Aawww Liz....old poem or not, the contents are ever real; so sad when a relationship becomes one-sided.
Enjoyed very much.

Hugs,
M

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sue, Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions... I jumped up and down at the thought of revising in Ballad Form, I do think it would compliment the theme, while still revamping the struggling meter through out.

When I wrote it, I didn't do anything specific (didn't know anything at all, poetically) had posted it for revision once about 6 years ago, but was too confused by the suggestions to make any real and valuable changes. I do however, have a great sense of revision for this now ...

Your first 2 line suggestions is what I had in an edited draft and reading it aloud as you've presented it is exactly what I think would make this poem work!

Stay tuned for the upcoming revisions! :)

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Alan,

You've given me wonderful points to follow for a revision. This really needs some fleshing out, but it has potential and possibility. I am going to keep your suggestions in eye's view during revision. Thank you!

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Aawww Liz....old poem or not, the contents are ever real; so sad when a relationship becomes one-sided.
Enjoyed very much.

Hugs,
M

Hi Mariana,

Thank you so much for your kind words. yes, this was an old poem, written for an even older love relationship that was undeniably one sided - it's funny how blind we are when we're wrapped in the emotions, not to see a give and take relationship (one person gives, the other takes...LOL)

I hope to hear your thoughts and any suggestions for changes on the revision. If you think of anything that can improve this please feel free to express them. That's why we workshop ... to get various angles of feedback that help us find our way!

Blessings, Liz

[Mary Boren]

Aww, this is a sad poem, Liz. I'm glad you know your own worth now.

The revision is a big improvement, but there are still a few little trouble spots as I see it:

Like raindrops on your windowpane
or snowflakes on your brow.
Just unimportant notions that
were never said aloud.

First, make it a complete sentence. Then, um, remember my statement about exclamation marks -- that every poet should be rationed one, to be used judiciously? Well, same thing goes for "just."

Much like an airy Autumn breathe
sighed secrets of the soul,
the silent humming of birdsong
or childish tale once told.

"Much like" sets off my filler alarm and, again, this is a sentence fragment. Is "breathe" a typo for breath, or did you coin a new verb-as-noun usage? I think you've gone a little over the top with the sibilant alliteration in the second line.

I'm miscellaneous to you...
a beachshore we once strolled
or winter shiver passing by
when our love turns bitter cold.

I can see why you don't want seashore for the reason mentioned above, but beachshore is hard to say. How 'bout shoreline? You could bring the meter into compliance, if you wish, by striking "our" from the last line.

I fade from every thought you have,
much too quick to savor ...
the twinkling star, a tear, much like
a forgotten favor.

Again, you can do better than the "much too quick" and "much like," and L4 is a beat short. Maybe something like but better than "too speedily to savor" and "a twinkling star, a teardrop, or a soon forgotten favor."

Dismissed ... like a fly on the wall,
a crack beneath your shoe...
How could you think me so trivial?
When all I dream is you.

You don't have to say "like" every time you use a simile, y'know. "Dismissed ... a fly speck on the wall, a crack beneath your shoe ..." (I'm not fond of the double ellipsis there but won't quibble if you ... like ... like it.) I'd recommend you ditch the "so" and tie those two loose ends together, like so:

How could you find me trivial
when all I dream is you?

Sorry if I'm being too critical, and I hope you know I wouldn't pick if I didn't see a lot more potential in it.

Love,

Mary

[Norman D Gutter]

Liz:

You have some wonderful things going on here. Looking only at Revision 1, the opening sentence fragment does not trouble me. What linked with and read in conjunction with the title, it reads: "Insignificant--like raindrops on your window pane and or snowflakes on your brow." That reads as a declarative statement, which can stand as a fragment. Then, as you get into the rest of the poem, you come to realize the poet/narrator is talking about a former love interest. That then adds an implied "I'm before significant, and it reads: "I'm insignificant--like raindrops on your window pane and or snowflakes on your brow." So, I see this as an example of the title working perfectly as an extension of the poem, and with the balance of the poem harkening back to those two. That's the stuff good poetry is made of.

Someone else has mentioned the apparent typo in S2, 'breathe', when 'breath' works better in context. The third line of this stanza:

the silent humming of birdsong

is clunky for meter. Nothing comes to mind as a fix to it, but you might want to play with it some.

I have more I want to write, but I'm out of time, as bathroom and bedroom beckon, in advance of an early morning appointment to get shorn. I will return.

Best Regards,
NDG

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mary

TOO CRITICAL???? No, I need to get specific points to focus on, otherwise I am looking at this time poem with my blinders on and nothing more ... so go to it girl! (Big SMILE) I agree with many of your thoughts within each stanza and will come back shortly for an improved revision. I haven't been able to on line much these days as our Communications Center is just now going through an Accrediation Inspection, they will tell us if how we did and we are going into todays meeting with high expectations as they have given us raves all week. We will be the 5th communications Nationally to become accredited separately from the Law Enforcement/Patrol. As we will stand on our own. So we are excited and busy.

"breathe' was a typo, fingers flailing all over and the mind isn't as quick to catch it as it use to be... LOL

I am glad you happened along to this as I learned alot for future poems as well. I have a habit of adding many spots of filler - and have tried long and hard to become aware of it in my writing.




Big Hugs, Liz ...



Hey Dave

Thank You, I am also glad to see you here... and giving some guidence, as you might remember the first time I posted this and some minor changes that happened then. Yes, I was hoping that the title would serve as a starting point ... but there are several points that I find myself seeing the clunks in lines that aren't complete... I am still learning (although I start school next week and hopefully will finally get it down ) LOL

Big Hugs, Liz ... I will wait for your return ...

[Mistral]

Dear Liz,

You've had some wonderful suggestions and I like the revision. It sounds like you're not quite happy with the last line yet? I honestly don't have the poetry knowledge and language tools necessary to give pointers, but what about substituting "dream" for "breathe"? Or even make the last line something like "When all that I inhale is you".
Don't know about you, but both those to me would mean total intake of another person's essence.
Just a thought.

Hugglies,
M

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mistral,


Yes ... Inhale is very close if not perfect to what I am reaching for! A very good direction, thank you!!! ... Last night I spent a little bit reworking many of the lines for a more descriptive revision, and I will impliment this new thought into my up coming revision. Thank you ...

Hugs, Liz

[Peterpan]

Oh, Liz, I love your poetry. You are so good with rhyme and rhythm. I cant do it, and hope one day, when I progress, I can. My R&R is so trite.
I loved this piece. I will be back. R&R is not my forte. Well done on saying it all...with R&R.

PP

[AMETHYST]

Thank You Bev,

You can surely do anything you set out to do with poetry, as you have a wonderful mind filled with exciting themes and subjects and a good sense of poetry! Anytime you would like to put your hand to R*M, we are all here to help you find your way!

Any thoughts or suggestions are always welcome. I am certainly not finished with this one, it has far to go, but lots of ideas on getting there...

Blessings, Liz

[Peterpan]

Hello Liz, I love the fact that we can chat over the sea! What a treat! Well, here I go, you certainly have a gift, amazing that you and Lori are so talented. Two - in one family. I have read a lot of your poetry and whether written when younger, or now you are amazing. I will be back. Thank you for replying.

PP

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Such a sad poem! I like the examples you've used to get your point across. I'm still thinking about the last two verses. My mind has gone blank and I have no ideas or suggestions for them just yet... but I will come back if I do! *smiles* In the meantime I decided to post what suggestions I do have. Use or lose as you choose!

Cathy

Insignificant

Like raindrops on your windowpane
or snowflakes on your brow.
Just unimportant notions that
were never said aloud.

These two lines feel like incomplete thoughts to me. What about:

I'm like raindrops on your windowpane
or snowflakes on your brow...
just unimportant notions
that you never spoke aloud.

'I'm' and 'you' might personlize it to a greater extent.

Much like an airy Autumn breathe
sighed secrets of the soul,
the silent humming of birdsong
or childish tale once told.

I like some of the original from this verse. And IMO the next verse should be connected more, maybe with a semi-colon or elipsis since you're still explaining the different things that are of no obvious consequence to this person. Why the capital on 'autumn'? What about combining the two to some extent...

Like an airy autumn breath
whispering secrets from my soul,
the softest hum of birdsong
or a fairytale once told...

a winter shiver passing by,
a beach shore we once strolled;
such miscellaneous things to you,
now that love's turned bitter cold.

I'm not sure how I would go about punctuating each verse but this gives you an idea what I mean. Switching the lines in the verse above I think gives a better since of sequence to your thoughts.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz,

This one has some interesting images, and the twist that the MC is tossed aside - hence leadiing back to your title. I made some more ;extreme comments that I usually do, but I know you'll take them in the spirit of making this shick value-added.

I couldn't think of a substitute for dream but have offered a few alternates below for you to T or T.

Enjoyed this!
~Cleo


Like raindrops on your windowpane
or snowflakes on your brow. (change to a semi-colon)
Just unimportant notions that
were never said aloud.

{Much} [I'm] like an airy Autumn breathe (airy and breath (typo) are so similar I suggest changing airy to ‘lissome’ or ‘sprightly’ or some other word)
sighed secrets of the soul, (a tad too much alliteration here, suggest changing sighed to something else, perhaps: pined for a dual meaning? )
{the} [a] silent humming of birdsong
or childish tale once told. (I would make this line end in an ellipse)

I'm miscellaneous to you... (I would change to an endstop and suggest a few alternates to ‘miscellaneous’: infinitesimal, negligible, imperceptible)
[A] beach[-]shore we once strolled (hyphenate or change to two words)
or winter shiver passing by
when our love turns bitter cold.

I would switch the order of L1 and L3 in the above stanza around also to (if the ellipse is employed in S2):

As winter shivers pass us by -
or beach shore we once strolled,
I'm imperceptible to you...
when our love turns bitter cold.

I fade from every thought you have,
much too quick to savor ...
the twinkling star, a tear, much like
a forgotten favor.

Savor and favor are a bit hard to swallow as end rhymes – seems more forced in this stanza. I suggest changing L2 to something like: so quickly I’m erased…
and ending L4 with ‘replaced’.

Dismissed ... like a fly on the wall, (too cliché) : Dismissed and tossed aside like trash
a crack beneath your shoe... (a smudge upon your shoe) _ I know a bit harsh here in closing stanza, but purposely)
How could you think me so trivial? (extra beat – suggest deleting ‘so’)
When all I dream is you. (I would add an emdash or two after dream)