He Wrote It On A Napkin
As he sat there staring downward
at his newly emptied plate,
his mind returns to breakfast
and the things that he just ate.
Hash browns and scrambled eggs,
and jelly on some toast.
Then suddenly he turns pale white.
He looks just like a ghost.
He grabs his pen and looks around.
No paper can he find.
The urgency to write them down;
these thoughts upon his mind.
He struggles hard to no avail,
lookin for somethin’ to use.
A napkin will work nicely
for a place to record his muse.
Frantically, he scribbles away
on napkins from the dispenser.
Now he records his muse non stop.
there is no time for censor.
Now the coffee’s cold. The muse
has stopped. He puts his pen away;
then stuffs the napkins in his pocket;
pays the tab and walks away.
And then a few days later,
his wife finds in the wash,
what remains of 15 napkins
as she washed away his thoughts.
Yes he wrote it on a napkin.
And it was sure to be a winner.
It’s gone for now and will have to wait;
until he goes for dinner.
Very cute!
But for one detail, heh? Putting the pen away closed all doors.
Don
Fun schtuff, Brent. I'll have a few suggestions when I can come back and stay longer (if someone else hasn't beat me to it by then) -- just wanted you to know that I've read and enjoyed. Again, welcome.
Mary
Geez, Don he just put the pen away until next time, It wasn't meant to be permanent or anything dramatic like that.
Just for the record, after he put his pen away he went out and hopped in his pickup truck. Ya can't be drivin' around with a pen in yur hand.
Thanks for checkin in Don,
B
I look forward do to what you have to say. I can take it, you know I can.
Love ya Mary,
B
Been there, done that, Brent! ...
'cept I ain't got no pickup truck... but we's been lookin' at one ta maybe take the place o' the van that some pole cat swiped last Friday... if'n it don' show up fer 30 days an' the 'surance comes through...
I'll have ta write somethin' 'bout that over dinner maybe.
I don't know ya well enough to offer crit yet on this... 'specially 'cause I suspect that the uneven meter in this is purposed, so's they ain't much else ta crit...
but I know's Mary knows ya, so I'll jest wait.. 'n' mosey on back here later, k?
deeLightin' in yer writin', Dan'l
Dear Brent,
Those short lines well translate to your frantic feeling yet the words suggest you're keeping your cool. The reader senses the conflict!
Nicely done! cheers, Ron
Hi There...I'm not going to let you go as easily as the guys did...and I suspect that Mary won't either...This has happened to all of us who write...It happens mostly to me in heavy traffic when there is not the slightest chance of remembering it...I have lost some really great lines like that..
I know you want it to rhyme..and I don't have a slew of things to say, but the meter is ragged, like one of the other gents mentioned..but I get the impression with your reply to Mary that you really want the crit, so here goes...and you know you can toss what I say and go your own way!
As he sat there staring downward
at his newly emptied plate,
his mind returns to breakfast
and the (things) {food} that he just ate.
Hash browns and scrambled eggs,
and jelly on some toast.
Then suddenly he turns (pale) white.(can't get much more pale than white)
He looks just like a ghost.
He grabs his pen and looks around.
No paper can he find.
The urgency to write them down;
these thoughts upon his mind.
He struggles hard to no avail,
(lookin) for somethin’ (to) {he can} use.
A napkin will work nicely
for a place to (record) soothe? his muse.
Frantically, he scribbles away
on napkins from the dispenser. (I think this could be tighter!)
Now he records his muse non stop.
there is no time for censor.
(Now) the coffee’s cold(.) {,}(T)the muse
has stopped(.){,} (H)he puts his pen away;
then stuffs the napkins in his pocket({,}
pays the tab and walks away.
And then a few days later,
his wife finds in the wash,
what remains of 15 napkins
as she washed away his thoughts.
(Yes )he wrote it on a napkin.
(And )it was sure to be a winner.
It’s gone for now and {he}(will have to) {must} wait
until he goes for dinner.
[/quote]
Again, these are only suggestions...use or lose as you see fit...and again, welcome to the board. My Best, Judi
Hello Brent,
And again, welcome to Mosaic Musings! I quite enjoyed your offering and the inner workings to enhance the feeling we get when a muse comes at the most unopportune times and we cannot let it pass. I wondering about the title ... if the napkin wasn't such a main focus through the poem, I would say the title serves a strong point, but it feels (to me) like a place holder till something more eye catching and intwining with the poem comes along.
I also felt the short lines gave the feeling of getting thoughts down quickly, before they fade behind the clatter of the diner. Some thoughts to follow, I hope someting I leave helps, otherwise, please use what does and discard anything unfitting!
Best Regards, Liz ...
Dear Brent,
It has a sprightly delivery and a witty end. I scanned it and reread it for beat. Were it mine, I'd work first on the beat and on the verb tense. I think it has the most impact in the present tense if carried throughout and iambic with anapestic substitutions seems would carry it with a lilt and no bumps.
Stanzas 6&7 require a look at the rhymes.
I believe you can get the most help after folks get a feel for your style. Meanwhile, we'll be following this one with Samaritans along the road.
Cheers, Ron jgd
I'm back. Here goes ...
As performance poetry, it's fine as is, Brent. When reciting your own work, you know where to speed up and slow down to avoid the bumps. But if you want the poem to outlive you, readers need a clue. Although your meter's all over the map, I'm not going to harp on that (much). I think what you're going for is http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=10341, which is a whole other kettle of feet. Even so, it needs to be tidied up so that you have a corresponding number of stressed syllables in each pair of lines.
Hi Brent,
I see your poem's been thoroughly pulled apart. Wish I had the knowledge to offer proper critiques as well. Maybe in a 100 years......
I thoroughly enjoyed your poem, though, and was not surprized at the ending when he stuffed the napkins in his pocket, knowing men never clear their pockets before dumping their clothes in the wash! Well.....most men. Hehehe
Hugs,
M
Dear Mary,
In your scansion, what is the meaning of .../() DUM/...?
Don
Brent, I hope I wasn't too picky or didactic. Did I forget to say the poem gave me a good chuckle?
Don, I used () to indicate a caesura. In the hash brown line, I prob'ly would've done it differently another day -- it just seemed to me that both words were drawn out excessively.
Mary
Thanks for explaining the caesura Mary.
Don
Thanks Everyone,
I have been away for a couple of days and just got back. I couldn't sleep so I check the forum and found all of this great critique. I have gone over it, but only once. I will reply to everyone later. Please don't think that I am ignoring you; I'm just busy.
The next two weeks will be hectic for me, as I have a daughter getting married in Las Vegas and then a Family Reunion that goes back a couple hundred years and I am the president, so I am busy with that. Sorry to bore you with the personal details, just wanted to let you know why I am slow.
I must read crit many times and sometimes print it out and totally consume it. That's just the way I do it. You folks took a lot of trouble with your crit I am going to go to take, at least, as much trouble and time to read and understand what you said.
Just to address Liz's comment about the title: One day I wrote a poem on a napkin after eating breakfast. The next week at a poetry reading, a guy gets up and says, I wrote this on a napkin. So from that point on, I thought there has got to be a poem there. I have really never considered anything better. But I do see your point.
I think that my muse controls me more than other people's muse controls them. It always seems that everyone else has a well behaved muse that sits there and waits for the cue to go to work. Mine just hits me. I will work on it though, I am picturing a well behaved dog as I type this.
Maybe I need to take lessons from the "Muse Whisperer," (for those of you who may have seen The Dog Whisperer."
Hi Brent,
Personal tidbits aren't boring at all. In fact, it creates the bonds of trust and respect for each other when we know what each other's lives are like and I am glad that your busyness is good things and not health issues or hardships, so it was nice to read about such happy events.
As for your process for revision, I think many of us have that same process- I often make quick changes that strike me as excellent and immediate fix its, but print out the critique I receive and take time to really look over what is being said, trying to see what others are seeing that I hadn't... usually that is with difficult poems that need excessive revisions.
Hello to All,
I promised to get back to you and I am here to keep my promise. But I must tell you that life is not slowing down at this point, as I had expected it to.
I apologize for taking so long. Most of you have probably forgotten what you wrote by now.
Judi,
I like the corrections that you suggest for omitting certain words and replacing commas with periods.
Liz,
I think that I addressed the title briefly, before life took over my schedule. I like your idea of leaving it till the end and then revealing it, but I am not quite sure how to accomplish at this time. It gives me food for thought though and sometimes I come back to it year later and a light comes on as I think about what Liz said.
Now to address your critique: I like the way you view the 'big picture" of the poem. I guess when the words hit me I just write them down and I don't consider structure and a logical sequence of thoughts, but I should and I will work on it. When you talk about the "click moment" I can appreciate that, but I don't know how to create that in the poem.
You sensed the desperation and the change in tempo, in the different places; I am glad that came through. When I was writing this down, it all felt and sounded so good, as it probably does with everyone. I can see the questionable rhymes now, and I wonder how or why I even tried that.
I am going to have to think on the rhyme scheme and meter/line length. I am just not sure at this point.
Ron,
Thanks for your critique. I see what you mean verb tense and the rhymes in stanzas 6&7. I will work on that.
Mary,
Yes you are right as usual. Maybe I recite my own poetry too much and that is why it always sounds good to me. Is there a link about accentual rhythm that you can send me to, and some good poems in accentual meter? I would like to learn more about it, since you mentioned it.
I thank you for the extensive effort that you put into your critique and as always I am flattered that you thought me worth the time.
I understand everything you said and it makes sense to me. I just have to get the time to sit down and work on it. You already know that I am clumsy with meter and it is hard work for me.
"He grabs his pen and looks around.
No paper can he find.
The urgency to write them down;
these thoughts upon his mind.
Tsk, tsk. He can't find any paper, so don't twist it around backwards to rhyme with mind. Find another way of saying it, and make complete sentences."
Mary, believe it or not at the very moment that I wrote this line down, I could hear you saying this. I guess I would have been disappointed if you hadn't mentioned it. Now you can be even madder since it is the second time you have warned me about it. Sorry.
I apologize for not having a revision ready. There are too may things to think about revising right now and I like to give every critique due consideration.
I continue to be amazed at the knowledge base here and I will be back, but don't expect me to be too regular.
Thanks again.
Hi Brent,
I nearly missed this one - so thanks for bumping it up!
Would you like me to scan through and write down my thoughts, or would you rather I wait until you revise?
Cheers
~Cleo
Thanks Cleo, but I think it would be best to wait for a revision.
Right now I am not sure when I can get to it. I have to think about it on the run, so to speak, but I need some time to sit down and really get into it. Thanks for the offer.
Brent
Dear Lone Wolf,
Please take your time as required.
I avoid writing on napkins because they drain the ink.
Don
Brent, thanks for accepting my critique in the right spirit. In looking back, I'm a little embarrassed by it -- I hope I wouldn't be so demanding with someone I don't know. The words http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=10341 are the link.
Yes, by all means, take your time.
Mary
Thanks Ann,
As you can see I have some work to do on it. I was sure this would be pretty much a universal topic for poets.
Brent
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