QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Sep 23 07, 23:35 )
Hi Terry,
Before I offer a critique, are there three poems, or are you debating which of these three you like the most? I'm not too familiar with modern haiku, so please guide me in your thought process. Of the three, I like this one the most:
rolling up landscapes
summer scenes into autumn
as the lighting fades
because I can sense a storm coming, which further identifies the 'rolling up'/put away the landscape idea. I think you might have a bit too much going on in L2, perhaps stick with one season there and better utilize a connection to L1 and L3.
What about autumn causes the rolling landscapes as lightning fades?
I'll be back.
~Cleo
LOL, yeah it's just a selection of three possible endings. I should have said, thought it was obvious, HeHe. lmao
I was thinking of a painter, as the light fades s/he is rolling up canvases, older into new/now.
It's a dusky twilight vibe, kind of balancing between. So the image (shady/dull) is less important than his/her actions. I think L2 is the most important one, although I can cut 'scenes' without any tantrums and trim L3.
rolling up landscapes
summer into autumn
fading lightIf the painter thing was too subtle, I could try this:
rolling up canvas
summer into autumn
fading lightUmm, I'm not in any rush.
.