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> Air to a Summers Day, An Oxynation.
Arnfinn
post Sep 24 08, 07:43
Post #1


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Revision 5.40:pm 26th September 2008



Air to a Summer's DAY



Summer: silent steps with gentle feet
and from flowers bees buzz merrily.
Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive;
dissolve into nature's wonderland--
where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.








Air to a Summers DAY


Summer: steps with gentle feet
and from flowers, bees buzz merrily.
Insects sporting pigments that decieve
fade into coloured petaled chambers.
Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.
repeat
Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.




John troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Sep 24 08, 19:00
Post #2





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John, Is that first word summen or summer? Makes a big difference in how you read it...lol. My eyes can't quite make it out. I think you can leave off the 'and' from the second line. 'Coloured petaled' seems like a mouthful, almost make you stumble in that line. I like the image that forms when reading this, gives a feel of overall relaxation. JMHO...
Steve
 
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Arnfinn
post Sep 26 08, 02:36
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G'day Steve,

Summer, mate.

I left a word out of the first line. pinkpanther.gif

'silent'

Nah, think i'll leave the and in (9)

This is my revised version.


Summer: silent steps, with gentle feet, (9)
and from flowers bees buzz merrily. (9)
Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive; (9)
dissolve into natures wonderland, (9)
where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek (9)


jOHN troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Maggie
post Sep 28 08, 17:51
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Hi John,

I'm not familiar with this style, but I think your poem is quite lovely and lyrical!! hsdance.gif hsdance.gif hsdance.gif Makes me wish it were still summer in the northern hemisphere, too!!

I can't give you any significant advise, but I do notice two nits. You shouldn't have the comma after "feet." Also, "nature" needs an apostrophe and an "s." (nature's)

Peggy


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Arnfinn
post Sep 29 08, 06:06
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Hi, Peg minniemouse.gif


Nah, I want a pause before 'and'.

I put the postraphy in nature's. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif

I checked out 'Air'.

Qoute: Crudden.

It usually denotes a song (qv), tune or melody, or all three.
Frequently used in the late 16th c. and during the 17th when many
collections were published.
Cowper suggests the general sense, when, in A Winter Walk at Noon
he writes.

There is in souls a sympathy with sounds;
And, as the mind is pitch'd the ear is pleased
With melting airs, or martial, brisk, or grave:
Some chord in unison with what we hear,
Is touch'd within us, and the heart replies.


John. troy.gif Wizard.gif


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Arnfinn

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Maggie
post Sep 29 08, 08:46
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Hi John,

Thanks for clarifying "air." Cowper explains it well! Quite beautiful too!!

Peggy


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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 29 08, 19:29
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Hey John,

What a lovely new take on your Summer's Day saga! cloud9.gif I haven't heard of this form before but your poem is very calm and serene. Other than not needing those commas up in L1, this is a lovely read!

Enjoyed mate.
~Cleo troy.gif


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Arnfinn
post Sep 30 08, 09:04
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Yeah, Peg,



The whole scenario, is captivating. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif




The plan is to use 9 sillybulls.



John Wizard.gif troy.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Sep 30 08, 09:09
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Hi Lori,


Yeah, I'm very happy with this piece. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif


What I need is a couple of more verses. pinkpanther.gif





John troy.gif Wizard.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Sep 30 08, 15:34
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John, I like the change very much, makes for an easier read... thumbsup.gif ohmy.gif hsdance.gif thumbsup.gif
 
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Arnfinn
post Oct 1 08, 02:44
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Thank Steve,


I think I'll take the girls advice n' take the comma's out. pinkpanther.gif



John troy.gif farmer.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 13 09, 06:49
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your nine silly bulls sing a nice song Mister
 
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Arnfinn
post Jan 14 09, 05:50
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Thank You PB,


dON'T GET ME GOING. pinkpanther.gif


i'M PLEASED THAT YOU ARE TREADING THE BOARDS. pinkpanther.gif


Keep your mind focused on the family at MM.


You won't go wrong. troy.gif


Regards,


John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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