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dibáá’ nishtj (I am thirst) *** |
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Dec 13 16, 16:22
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Nomad
Group: Silver Member
Posts: 12
Joined: 12-January 16
Member No.: 5,299
Real Name: Michael Trotta
Writer of: Poetry
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dibáá’ nishtj
A poem of us would begin without words dried for decades in the desert Each cracked rock, red bit of sand and petrified bone were laid as they were thought describing what they couldn't
That tiny wind polished stone there held volumes on a breath just behind your neck The flecks of bentonite shine a bit of your salt sun splayed from every ocean spray across the globe Sidewinder tracks smooth perfect curves as you move unknowingly across my mind
There is no water
Every plant and creature holds close the drops of life that are wholly in your being Cactus, gnarly and spined, bow and flower at your color's choice The versatile and cunning coyote roam without a desert master but their tails curl under for your whim
Wind is the sand's whisper chords reverberating within your chest Night descends with a dry silent chill holding still for life's reprieve and rejoice It is your day's last kiss before our eyes dream and dance
A Tiger Rattle's bite and the Bark scorpion's sting remind the living, in a pointed fervor that liveliness is the only deserving course for our veins
Brittlebush jot the landscape yellow calling me to pull them and get them out There is the Gambil's Quail, a Black Rail the Roadrunner, and Gilded Flicker grounded or flying they make the desert thrive with beauty and feather
And finally, standing firm centuries on end, the Joshua Tree Here, at its trunk, is a parchment scorched and split in two A poem is written on it.
"I am the desert, the living and worth within is you"
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Dec 15 16, 19:26
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hello Mt2,
It's good to see you here. I wish it wasn't so late (as I am sleepy!) so I might give a bit more of a critique tonight. This is wonderfully descriptive and there is so much to like here.
The 1st line jarred a bit - with me anyway
A poem of us would begin without words
Perhaps 'a poem about us' - 'a poem for us' or 'our poem'
I particularly like these lines:
Wind is the sand's whisper chords reverberating within your chest
I'm not sure what the title means and haven't time to investigate tonight.
I'm sorry I have very little constructive to say on first read, but will come back soon. It really is so good to see you here again.
Eira
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Dec 15 16, 23:48
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hello Michael, So glad to have you posting again, especially with such a stunning, lovely poem about the desert. I had to research a little, so looked up Gambil's Quail in Wikipedia. That gave me a better idea of the region(s). Is it Arizona? Or some other desert area in the USA?
I really like many lines of your poem, but I chose the final stanza because of its mystic quality... It also reminds me that the whole world is a unique living organism, despite its many facets.
I'll have to read your poem several times. It appears that there is a trio of entities here. The omniscient author, the living desert with all it contains, and a third person, perhaps a woman, to whom these lines are composed. They all appear to interact, IMO.
I may have got it all wrong, so I'll certainly return and meanwhile maybe you could answer some of the questions I've already made?
I don't have important crits to make, but as I see you placed *** to your work, I'll suggest a few punctuation changes, or else some ideas to tighten up the poem a little. Not too much, I'm fond of fairly wordy poems.
And finally, standing firm centuries on end, the Joshua Tree Here, at its trunk, is a parchment scorched and split in two A poem is written on it.
"I am the desert, the living and worth within is you"
Wow, that finale is striking! Best, Syl a.k.a. Psyche
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Dec 16 16, 14:08
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Nomad
Group: Silver Member
Posts: 12
Joined: 12-January 16
Member No.: 5,299
Real Name: Michael Trotta
Writer of: Poetry
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Eira,
You went right to my heel, of us/for us/about us. I was also thinking "This poem would begin....". It might have been the title were it not for the Navajo words "I am thirst" and their spin off the "i am death" Bhagavad Gita reference. Needless to say, I have thought long and hard against what I wrote. I hate the first line but we live with ourselves, no? You've given me some needed support in fixing it.
"Wind is the sand's whisper chords reverberating within your chest"
Sand and vocal chords and breathing don't play well but that is the poem's point, to find something perfect where I least expected it.
"It really is so good to see you here again." - You have no idea I much I have missed it.
Syl,
Ha! Gambel's Quail. I spelled it wrong....:) Yes, in and around Arizona but the poem could have been the Sahara if it wanted to.
I think the poem is the fourth entity. There are more. The poem is the desert, who hid, desiccated for many years. I am thirst. To find the poem I had to go there believing it was the last place I should be, the last place I would find the living and worth within. The "you" throughout is my wife. I have been trying to write something worthy of my wife since we were kids. I don't know if this is it, but i think it is way beyond any to date. It started with a question, If she is water and I am thirst, where the heck are we?
Thank you for the warm welcome back and the kind review. For purposes here, you can say my "you" is the poetry board too.
mt
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Dec 19 16, 01:21
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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QUOTE (mt2polar @ Dec 16 16, 16:08 ) Eira,
You went right to my heel, of us/for us/about us. I was also thinking "This poem would begin....". It might have been the title were it not for the Navajo words "I am thirst" and their spin off the "i am death" Bhagavad Gita reference. Needless to say, I have thought long and hard against what I wrote. I hate the first line but we live with ourselves, no? You've given me some needed support in fixing it.
"Wind is the sand's whisper chords reverberating within your chest"
Sand and vocal chords and breathing don't play well but that is the poem's point, to find something perfect where I least expected it.
"It really is so good to see you here again." - You have no idea I much I have missed it.
Syl,
Ha! Gambel's Quail. I spelled it wrong....:) Yes, in and around Arizona but the poem could have been the Sahara if it wanted to.
I think the poem is the fourth entity. There are more. The poem is the desert, who hid, desiccated for many years. I am thirst. To find the poem I had to go there believing it was the last place I should be, the last place I would find the living and worth within. The "you" throughout is my wife. I have been trying to write something worthy of my wife since we were kids. I don't know if this is it, but i think it is way beyond any to date. It started with a question, If she is water and I am thirst, where the heck are we?
Thank you for the warm welcome back and the kind review. For purposes here, you can say my "you" is the poetry board too.
mt Hi again, mt2, Interesting answers you've given us. More than I expected. Yep, I supposed it could be any desert, such as the Sahara, but I picked Arizona as I've travelled through that amazing State many years ago. I cannot really describe the impression the landscape left on my mind. Too complicated. Enormous cacti, rough reddish hills with layers of centuries marked on them, vast desert for miles around... heat... a large, black spider crossing the highway and we didn't run over it ... so much!
In northern Argentina we have a vast desert called "El valle de la Luna" (Valley of the Moon). It also conceals myths and first dwellers' legends, and much more. By moonlight, it's extraordinary, due to its sifting dunes that point to its living, flowing qualities. Just don't get caught there when the Zonda winds blows! It's a hot wind that extends to other, green provinces and makes life uncomfortable.
Your wife must be delighted with this poem. Don't thirst and water combine well? So long as you don't swallow her up, all should be well. No droughts...
Syl
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jan 4 17, 18:59
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (mt2polar @ Dec 16 16, 19:08 ) Eira,
You went right to my heel, of us/for us/about us. I was also thinking "This poem would begin....". It might have been the title were it not for the Navajo words "I am thirst" and their spin off the "i am death" Bhagavad Gita reference. Needless to say, I have thought long and hard against what I wrote. I hate the first line but we live with ourselves, no? You've given me some needed support in fixing it.
"Wind is the sand's whisper chords reverberating within your chest"
Sand and vocal chords and breathing don't play well but that is the poem's point, to find something perfect where I least expected it.
"It really is so good to see you here again." - You have no idea I much I have missed it. Hi there - sorry for my slow return - Xmas kinda got in the way! It really is good to see you posting here.
You say you hate the 1st line (well it's really not that bad!) but sometimes you have do have to live with a line until the right alternative comes to you. (and it will, maybe even months down the line) I'll keep watching for a revision.
Eira
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Jan 13 17, 21:30
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody
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Eira - Survival is writtenall over this piece, with hardships, dangers, threats, but a welcome as well from the Joshua tree. Well done, R
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