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Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 17 07, 22:15

This was from an exercise to begin your first line of a poem with Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel first line -: I Remember You Well - located at Absolute Write.



~~~~~3rd Revision~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you, well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
mother would serve apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she only had seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe-touches of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.





~~~~~2nd Revision~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
-- reserved; A proper boy
mother had served apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl to. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.


*In the final line, I have added 'too' to stress she would have the same opinion of him as the narrator... does it work with or without the 'too' -






~~~~~~~Revision~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
and mother served you apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.





~~~~~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
mother could serve apple pie to, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
the gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air, *
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.



*corrected typo-from cinnomon to cinnamon

Posted by: Mistral Aug 17 07, 23:30

Dear Liz,
This is so damn cute and I thoroughly enjoyed this glimpse of a stolen moment.....
Just one spello. Should be cinnamon, not?

Hugglies,
M

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 18 07, 08:56

Hi Mistral,

yes my fingers were going too quick. Thank you for the excellent catch. I will make that change ASAP... I thank you for the kind words, I was hoping that the underlying meanings would have been stronger or more perceiveable ...

Off to fix my typo's ... again thank you!

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Merlin Aug 18 07, 09:11

Hi Liz,

Leonard Cohen is a favorite contemporary. I still get the urge to head off to China when I hear the mention of tea & oranges in "Suzanne..."

As to the typo, I checked with Answers-dot-com and while they don't have a definition for "cinnomon", they do have no end of websites using that spelling, which made me wonder if that was some kind of Americanization.

There's one spot that wouldn't go down to the river here >>
A proper boy
mother could serve apple pie to, topped
with vanilla swirl.
Personally, I'd uncap the "A" to continue the thought, but I keep getting visions of mother with a vanilla swirl on top. I do believe it's that "to" that's doing it. Take a look at that.



From another thread, Fran keeps busy with her new business, which is some type of consulting and conducting seminars for women in business. She gives lectures in NYC, Chicago, Montreal, and so on. Keeps her hopping, that and her B & B. There's also a new man in her life, so her card seems full.

Merlin

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 18 07, 18:49

Hi Eric, I hadn't heard of him until I stumbled onto an exercise thread and the task just seemed to click. This poem is the outcome of that and it is the first new poem I've done in few months. Even then, in the past couple of years, I haven't done all that much of fresh stuff - so this came out easy and I was excited. I have to read "Suzanne..." Will probably go google it asap!



Thank you for that kind effort, unfortunately (see my head hanging down and the pouty look of guilty on my lips...) I just mispelled it - for some reason I keep saying it like SIN O MON and in my old age forgot how to really spelll it! LOL





Yes, I see what you mean... perhaps ...

.... A proper boy
that mother served you apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl.







Please send her my love and tell her I think of her often...

Thank you Eric for the good eye and feedback on this...

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Merlin Aug 19 07, 16:31

Here's the song, Liz. You'll prolly recognize it right quick.

http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/116.html

For further reading on the whole tea & oranges thing, go http://www.cbc.ca/national/news/suzanne/.

Merlin

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 19 07, 18:50

Hi Liz,

What a fascinating start - I like the challenge and you've taken it on well! For me, I would break the lines differently though as some of the thoughts are confusing to me. I like the title you chose as it hints of something we are not expecting.

As to my suggestions on formatting the lines (I'll quote yours first), there are places that I expect the reader should pause in the moment and would break the lines at those places:

I remember you{.}[,]
well rounded[,] and reserved.
A proper boy;
and mother served you apple pie,
topped with vanilla swirl.
If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe[-]touching of footsie
and glints of {wet} [moisture]
after your lips {pressed} [teased] mine -
she would remember you well.

Enjoyed the moment you captured here!
~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 21 07, 09:43

Hey Eric,

As soon as I finish my replies and do some forum runs I will click the link and check this out. Thank you so much for doing the leg work (or finger work as it should be) I will be back to let you know what I think ...

Hugs, Liz ...

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 21 07, 09:48

Hey Lori,

Thank you for the strong comments and suggestions. I like the consideration of 'moisture' instead of wet, however pressed holds the importance of an actual kiss, where teased implies the desire to kiss but no actual contact.

I wanted to express how the mother saw that outer presentation of the guy that he played, the well respectful person and had she known he was tempting and fooling around with the narrator she would have known him better and certainly would remember him for what he was doing.

I will be making use of your sugggestions and thank you for the kind comments! :) It's been a while since a poem just jumped right out of my mind onto paper ... hmmm, no screen! LOL

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Peterpan Aug 21 07, 10:18

Hi Liz~

I have not read all the comments and suggestions but, hey, this is a real beauty! I loved the innocence and the passion all in one poem!

My husband LOVES Leonard Cohen and I enjoy him but, sometimes I find him too depressing?

Thank you for sharing this poem! I enjoy reading all your treasures.

Peterpan

Posted by: Don Aug 21 07, 10:30

"topped" seems better moved to next line as it provides an unnatural pause as is. In the next line I would move "If she had only seen" to a following solo line.

A very cute candy kiss.

Clever suggestions of alternate meanings and pictures.

Don

Posted by: Psyche Aug 21 07, 20:55

Hi Liz!
Love this one! Since you've already revised, there doesn't seem to be anything left for me to nit. What a shame!
But I'll read over once again, case I'm in luck....

I'm so glad I popped in here, Liz. And I didn't even suspect the Leonard Cohen part...

I'm an absolute fanatic of Leonard Cohen's. I have ALL of his CD's. The last one is not quite as deppresive, it's called 'Dear Heather', but then it's not his best work, either. He's getting on.

His songs "First we take Manhattan", "The Future", "Democracy is coming to the U.S.A.", as well as several others, are considered visionary by loads of people. Shivery, yes.

Did you know that not long ago there was a special event in Leonard Cohen's honour at the Sydney Opera House?

He's a sort of 'underground' trobadour, not to everyone's taste, but I consider him a genius. He writes his own lyrics, mostly. I have a book of his poetry, as well.
Of course, 'Suzanne' is strange & mystical, as are many of his songs.

Well, I better stop rambling on....thanks for sharing, Liz!
Hugs, Syl ***

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 24 07, 17:54

Oh wow Liz, what imagery! Your words tell a story in a few short lines with lots more left to the imagination between the lines.
Luv this:
If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air
excellent fv IMO
Sue

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 29 07, 08:16

Dear Beverly, Don, Sylvia and Sue ...

Please forgive me that I have not responded to this thread. I completely forgot about it and although I don't normally forget threads, this one just slid from my mind. I am so very sorry for this delay...

Bev

I personally hadn't read anything of his but I hear great things about him so I might try him on for size...I am trying to find the poem of his that begins with
I remember you well.

Thank you for the comments on the poem. I was thrilled to finally write something fresh... with some potential! :)

Hugs Liz ...


Hi Don,

Again please accept my apologies, it is old age seeping in! LOL Anyway, thank you for those suggestions I will certainly keep them in mind along with the other suggestions received on this when I attempt revision. Hopefully I should have something worthy in the next couple of days.

I do think the suggestion of moving down ' If she had only seen' on a line of it's own it will work well.

Best Wishes, Liz


Hi Sylvia

Thank you for all that information on Leonard Cohen! I am excited to have a place to begin reading on him. I will send you email to let you know what I think of his body of work... tsk, tsk ... no not his body LOL Anyway, you've left wonderful comments I am glad you got the jest of the underlying meaning, as did Sue!

I look forward to doing some minor reworkings on this - I felt good finally writing a poem that I felt had some substance...

I will be keeping your thoughts close to eye's veiw during revision...

Hugs, Liz



Hey Sue,

First please accept my apology for the delay in responded to this thread, I forgot all about it, with limited on line time recently I seemed to be doing most of the critiques and checking the board and out of sight, out of mind...

Anyway, thank you for your supportive comments. I am so very glad you got the underlying meanings intended and left to the reader's imagination... That was exactly what I had hoped would seep through.

I will be presenting a revision in a day or two, but I would appreciate it if you took a look at it to make sure I don't lose what works in leading the reader to their imagination... I don't want to lose the underlying implications....

Thank you and big hugs, Liz

Posted by: bbnixon Aug 31 07, 12:43

Hi Liz,

This is so wonderful, I love the way it just rolls off the tongue and brings a smile. No nits from me just pure appreciation.

:) brenda

Posted by: Eisa Sep 1 07, 05:16

Hi Liz

I agree with the last comment -- no nits only appreciation. I love this and the suggestive hints it brought to mind. I've high-lighted my favourite lines.


Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
and mother served you apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.

I think most mothers have been in this position, thinking 'Isn't he nice!' -- and wouldn't she blush at what he was thinking about her daughter! LOL!

Hugs Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 1 07, 12:32

Thank you Brenda,

I am glad it all comes through - Yes ... life is filled with lots of these sorts of ironys.

Posted by: Judi Sep 1 07, 18:18

~~~~~2nd Revision~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
-- reserved A proper boy Should "reserved" have a comma or something after it..it seems kind of awkward...mother had served apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl to. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.

I really enjoyed this...brings back memories of boys my mother thought were so special, and she would have died if she knew how wild they really were...Judi

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 2 07, 09:43

Thank you Judi,

You got it Judi! A period should be after reserved I will make the change! :)

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 2 07, 09:48

Hey Snow,

Thank you so much for the nomination and the wonderful comments you've left. I know I replied to it right after I replied to Brenda ???? I am sorry it isn't here...
But I Love ya and I am grateful for all the help you give me through out the year to get any poems of mine smoother and to a higher potential...

Blessings to you, Liz ...

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 3 07, 10:16

Hi Amethyst,

I think this is an interesting poem! I particularly like your strong ending which made me smile!! (1)I do wonder why you added what I consider cumbersome punctuation in the first few lines, so I changed it below. (2)I also broke your lines up into more grammatical breaks.

I'm very new at trying free verse, so bear with me if I've messed it up. You are the poet, so all changes are ultimately your decision.

A memorable poem!!!

I remember you,
well-rounded,
reserved and a proper boy.
Mother had served apple pie,
topped with vanilla swirl to. (I'd get rid of the "to")
If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well. (I like the "too" here!)

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 3 07, 11:20

Greetings, Liz.

I still don't understand line breaks in FV at times, so I hope you'll excuse me if I've missed something in my playing with your words as I blunder in here in the middle of your already-revised piece. I think you know that I love the way that you changed the meaning of the opening line!

frollicking Lightly, Daniel

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 3 07, 16:30

Hi Peggy,

Thank you for stopping in on this one ... The opening line, in order to maintain the contrast between remembering someone well and the use of well as fully or balanced It needs to be a complete thought 'I remember you." The statement, is meant to contrast the ending statement of the narrators mother remembering him as he presented himself and not as the dirty guy he really was - and had she of been more open eyed and aware of what was going on behind the scenes, she too, would have remembered him as the narrator does.

Some of your further punctuation suggestions gives me a clue as to make further considerations with other lines and I thank you.




There is never a way to mess up ... and usually every suggestion in some way or another opens up other ideas ...

Hugs liz