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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Senile Cat - Senyru

Posted by: Sekhmet Feb 15 09, 12:05

In this Senyru, the number of dots indicate the length of time the cat watches the mouse hole -
each dot = 10 minutes. I will attempt a comment within the week!
===========================================================================

First Revision

Senile cat watches
those dark,alluring mouseholes...
... meanwhile, mice eat cheese

Leo

Posted by: ohsteve Feb 15 09, 12:35

Leo, got to love those sneaky, squeaky meeses to peices. "Senile cat asleep on the job; Mice rob cheese from traps" news at eleven. LOLThis just struck my funny bone. Thanks.
Steve

Posted by: Eisa Feb 16 09, 17:03

Hi Leo

I read your reply to Larry's senryu first & have put 3 links in my reply there for you to read.

I agree that these forms can be very difficult to understand, especially as there are differing opinions as to what is expected. I still find it hard to get my head round it all at times & wish the 2 experts that started this forum hadn't left us to get on with this on our own!

It is a rule at MM that for every poem we post, we crit 2 others - that way everyone has comments on their poems & we get to know each other better.
I appreciate your difficulty in critiqing a form that you know little about (I've been there too!), so perhaps in your comments you could just say what you liked about the message, say if anything surprised you, give your interpretation (sometimes people see things in different ways) etc. Any comments would be appreciated.

It is quite ok to post your poem first, then make your 2 critiques afterwards (provided you don't leave it too long) and you shouldn't post a second poem in that forum until you have made the statutory critiques... so you can post your poem. I would very much like to read it, the title sounds intriguing! LOL!

We really don't want you to stay out of this forum as it is so little used and I'm sure everyone appreciates that this is new to you (it is new to a lot of others too) If you have any problems, don't hesitate to send me a message.

Snow

Posted by: Larry Feb 16 09, 17:28

Hey Leo,

Bring it back and re-post it. To get the 5-7-5 form, all you need to do is switch the first and second line and get rid of one syl in what now is the first line. Suggestion:

Mice rob cheese from traps
Senile cat sleeps on the job
News at eleven

This is probably considered to be a Senryu but you can call it a Haiku if you want to. It is yours!

I consider this to be very amusing for I have 9 cats, 3 of which are probably becoming senile and I also have a number of mice (mainly field mice because I live in the woods) that do what they please around those three. I don't set traps anymore. The other 6 cats are very proficient and will wipe that smug look off a mouses face in a millisecond.

Please come back.

Larry

Posted by: Sekhmet Feb 18 09, 03:03

Good morning Harry and Snow - Thank you both for trying to help me to find a way into critique. I will post, (what I now realise is) a Senyru a little later, when I have read a lot more on the subject.
I still find myself in a cleft stick - I look at most of what, for the sake of brevity, I will call Haikus; and I honestly do not feel very much.
On the whole, those offered for criticism do not seem to me to shed a new, piercing light on their chosen subject.
And yet, had I more knowledge, I might find them to be full of merit - and, in my ignorance, it is I who can not see it.

It would be such a a cop-out to post an anodyne comment along the lines of 'I enjoyed this - very good!' or more aggressively, 'I couldn't understand it!' Simply in order that I might publish my own stumbling efforts.

Snow, thanks for the links, they are very comprehensive. I am reading all I can, whenever I have the time!

Larry - What you read was not my original Senyru! It was Steve, offering it as his revision.
Mine was:

Senile cat watches
Those dark,alluring mouseholes...
.....................................
Meanwhile, mice eat cheese.

Steve's version no longer speaks with my own voice. Here's why.
You, as the owner of three, (possibly senile) cats, will have seen them, intently watching places where they spotted a mouse - an hour ago.
So - the last thing my Senyru cat is doing is, 'sleeping on the job.' He is alert, and on that particular mouse's case.
Next - I too, would not dream of setting traps, so there would be no cheese in the non-existent trap for the
'mouse presumptive' to eat.

Even, 'The News at Eleven' sounds strange to English ears. Here, we have ' The News at Ten' - inconveniently leaving me a syllable short.

See what I mean about critting ? It is a minefield upon which I fear to tread.
This is just a flippant way of explaining that I will need more time for reading, before I will find the courage to crit or post in this short form forum again.
Bless you both for your patience.
Leo

Posted by: Larry Feb 18 09, 09:51

Hi Leo,

There is absolutely nothing wrong (IMO) with your Senyru "Senile Cat". The only thing I would even think about changing is taking the dotted line out from between L2 & 3. As I stated in my prior answer, the Senyru is supposed to be humorous, satirical or a thought provoking wry observation. Yours is all three! Please put it back. Yours is a lot better than many I've seen that didn't address any of these criteria and have had the misfortune of reading. This is a delight!

Senile cat watches
those dark,alluring mouseholes...
Meanwhile, mice eat cheese.

Larry

Posted by: Psyche Feb 18 09, 20:27

Hi Leo!

Great to find you here! But very sorry that there seems to have been a misunderstanding regarding new posts. This forum had practically died.. lol... so it's delightful that you revived it!

I shall try to post a Haiku myself asap., or some other short form.

BTW, you can go ahead and re-post your piece, because the two crits (or commentaries) come AFTER you've posted. And you're not obliged to make a knowledgeable critique if you're new to the form, you may just comment. Like asking who stole your cheese...LOL....! Meaning that comments can also be in the form of a question. Naturally, it's preferable to give/receive valuable advice, but we're all learning together here, as in all the forums; no need to feel 'umble, it's quite obvious that you're an accomplished writer, Leo.

Ah, before I sign off (my supper is ready), the 1-2-2 rule applies to each forum separately. No matter if you didn't make 2 crits in another forum, it doesn't apply when you step "over the wall" to a different workshop. The info is in the pink link at the top of each forum, or click here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?act=SR&f=50

Steve, please forgive my popping in here to clear up things, remember when Liz & I awarded some plaques that should have been approved by Lori first!?...LOL....

Looking forward to your iinput! And everybody's!
Cheers, Syl***

Posted by: ace Feb 25 09, 18:16

Leo:

Without getting into the comment or no thing, I just wanted to note and complement you on your fun senyru. I write these somtimes; it make for a good disciplined piece of writing. Since i am approaching the title here, I cvan appreciate the cat..

ace

Posted by: Sekhmet Feb 26 09, 03:50

Hello, and thank you enormously - to all those delightful members who have tried to help me to fit myself into this Forum. How could anyone resist such a warm welcome? It makes sense, when attempting a new form of verse - to use humour - it can then be qualified as, 'Only joking' if you make a complete Horlicks of the whole thing. I will post, what I now know to be, my first Senyru - see, I'm learning! The number of dots indicate the length of time the cat watches the mouse hole - each dot = 10 minutes. I will attempt a comment within the week!

Senile cat watches
those dark,alluring mouseholes...
... meanwhile, mice eat cheese.

Leo xx

Posted by: Larry Feb 26 09, 18:54

Hello Leo,

Again I say, "Delightful". Thanks for putting it back and thanks once more for sharing it with everyone. Are you sure the cat didn't nod off during that hour?

Larry

Posted by: Psyche Mar 2 09, 10:05

Hi Leo!

I'm SO pleased you re-posted your amusing Senryu! I especially laughed at the "one dot equals 10 mins" part...haha....Don't know whether dots are orthodox form, but I don't care!!!

Now I'll have to wait to see whether what I posted as Haikus are really such. They're not HAHA stuff, but who knows?

Congrats and I'm off to read your second Topic.
Syl***