The Parrot and the Coot ( Final Draft)
A young parrot owned by an old coot
laid an egg in her master's new boot.
The man slipped it on
and let out a groan
while the bird stayed suspiciously mute.
The Parrot and the Coot ( Revision 1)
A young parrot owned by an old coot
laid an egg in the old one's new boot.
The man slipped it on
and let out a groan
while the bird squaked, "So go buy a newt!"
Peggy Carpenter Harwood
The Parrot and the Coot
A young parrot owned by an old coot
laid an egg in the old one's new boot.
The man slipped it on
and let out a groan
while the bird stayed suspiciously mute.
Peggy Carpenter Harwood
Hi Peggy,
Shouldn't it be "an egg"?
This limerick is ok metrically with a slanty rhyme at L3,L4 but I feel it is a little weak in message, almost like an exercise in form.
Although simply structured, a good limerick should leave the reader thinking "That was clever!"
This is most easily done by giving last line a twist that resolves the poem in an unexpected way. IMHO your last line needs some work and since the rhyming possibilities are large it should not be too difficult.
I hope this comment is helpful.
Hugs,
Wally
Peggy, I think the first two lines are a fantastic beginning but the middle rhyme and the last line left me wanting... the middle being a near rhyme just doesn't make it for me, and the ending was way too blah, you need that twist of surprize.
Steve
Hi Wally and Steve,
You both agree and now so do I. This is a very "dull" limerick, which is a contradiction in terms. I'm going to Ireland day after tomorrow, so I'll have to re-work it when I get back!! Thanks so much for the honest critiques!!
Peggy
Peggy:
I have tried to comment on this well done limirick and keep having computer problems. So I'll try again. Good idea slips a little in the rhythm of the first two lines and the rhyme of lines 3 and
4. Just my thought; others may disagree.
ace
Hi Ace,
Thanks ever so kindly for the vote of confidence. I did change the ending just now. What's your opinion of the new one?
Peggy
To be honest Peggy, this one is still lumpy to me.
The metre is out in a couple of places. I will do a full scansion and point out the errant places if you wish.
typo - "squawked" I think. And the use of "old" in successive lines bothers me.
Hugs,
Wally
Hi Wally,
Thank you so much for catching the word repetition and the typo! As for a scansion, I doubt it would help me. I've modified line2 and am using my first line 5. I'm satisfied with this. Thanks for sticking with me!!!
Peggy
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)