Extinguished, 10 Word Challenge - Revised 3/8/11 Options

[JLY]

Revised 3/8/11

EXTINGUISHED

Dawn’s azure skies fade
after a merciless raid.
Hub’s stately structure
no longer a firm fixture.

Masked from reality
by radical depravity,
ruthless people dock
morality’s clock.

Wrapped in scarves of black,
they dispersed their attack;
scowls on each grim head,
fuel a sense of dread.

Darkness draws daylight,
into a landscape of blight.
Eternity’s sparkle abates,
as freedom deflates.






[center]EXTINGUISHED

Dawn's azure skies fade
after a merciless raid.
Hub's stately structure
no longer a firm fixture.

Masked from reality
by a radical depravity,
ruthless people dock
morality's time clock.

Wearing scarves of black,
they expend the attack;
scowls on each grim head,
fuel a sense of dread.

Darkness pulls daylight,
into a landscape of blight.
Eternity's sparkle abates,
as freedom deflates.

Words used (in order of appearance): azure, after, structure, ruthless, dock, scarf, head, pull, eternity, sparkle[/center]

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

JLY, not a very comforting outlook here, but gloom and doom seem to be the rage on every front page and web site I fear. I think I will borrow your words and see what I can come up with. Glad to at least see you writing again my friend.

take care
Steve

[JLY]

Steve,
Sometimes reality is not always rosy. The words just took me to this dark, sad place.
JLY

[Michelle]

Hi JLY,

this poem makes me think of war from the perception of the vanquished. I think this is very creative, given the word list. I like dark poems just as darkness is a part of living.
In this poem your images are very vivid to me. I not sure about the meter so I will leave that to less rusty hands. (smile)

my best,

Michelle

[JLY]

Michelle,
Thanks for taking the time to stop by. The words just seemed to take me down a dark road and I followed their path.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Wow John,

Although this is dark, it is also powerful. It brings the reader a moment of contemplation over hard truths. The title is a strong choice. On a dual level, it sets the core ingredient of the poets intent, while also offering some indication of outcome or closure. L1, in S1, is just enough to remind the reader of good times lost beneath the destruction and chaos of hate and war. A tinge- of the hope lost. It is what makes this poem strong - with narrators sense of doom.

Some minor offerings to follow, please use what might be helpful to you and discard what isn't.

Big Hugs Liz ...

EXTINGUISHED

Dawn's azure skies fade
after a merciless raid.
Hub's stately structure
no longer a firm fixture.

Masked from reality
by a radical depravity,
ruthless people dock
morality's time clock.

L2, perhaps - by radical depravity,
and I thought "time' in L4 wasn't necessary - it might give a stronger punch
as "morality's clock' ... to put more focus on morality while clock instills the intent of time.


Wearing scarves of black,
they expend the attack;
scowls on each grim head,
fuel a sense of dread.

In S2, Perhaps something stronger than 'wearing' - another word that might enhance the image of intentionally masking one's face - a sense of hiding ... even as simple as 'wrapped in scarves of black' which also gives that nice sound with black. In L2, I would suggest 'they dispursed their attack;

Darkness pulls daylight,
into a landscape of blight.
Eternity's sparkle abates,
as freedom deflates.

Maybe "Darkness draws daylight'

Over all, I really like this poem and its sense of 'tell it like it is' voice.

Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Liz,
Thanks for your introductory comments and then for your much right-on suggestions. The subject matter left me no choice but to make this a dark and serious piece. Sometimes we should not forget the tragedies in our lifetime so that we can possibly prevent them from happening again.
JLY

[Eisa]

Hi John

It's good to see you posting again.

This is a dark, yet powerful poem. I have just a couple of suggestions fro this stanza.

Masked from reality
by [a] radical depravity,
ruthless people dock
morality's [time] clock.

I feel that 'time' is redundant because its folloewd by clock.

I also like Liz's suggestion of 'wrapped in scarves of black'

Snow

[JLY]

Snow,
My creative juices are beginning to flow once again after a period of quiet reflection.

Your suggestions are helpful. You are right about the word "time"; it is a bit redundant.

I have some tweaking to do on this one and will post a revision in the near future.

Thanks for stopping by.
JLY

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, JLY,

have commented on this over at Pandora's but just wanted to say again how much I admire your ability to produce such a strong piece from such tight restrictions as the ten word challenges.
Jim

[JLY]

Jim,
Thanks for your kind feedback.
JLY