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> Sunset, pondering a better, non-cliche title
Guest_Dove_*
post Mar 3 04, 00:39
Post #1





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(revision)


Sunkist


Spoonfuls of sugar
frost blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.








(original)


Sunset


Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,
cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.
 
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Athena
post Mar 3 04, 05:07
Post #2


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Real Name: Dolly
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Very unusual and interesting poem, Dove, so full of yummy things to eat, smell, and look upon! I did wonder about a couple of words, though.  

QUOTE(Dove @ Mar. 02 2004, 21:39)
Sunset

Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.  

Why banana on the side ... why not in bowl with blueberries?

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,  

Why strawberry "splotches"?  I LOVE strawberries, but the splotches I cut out first.  

cherry stems,  
Cherry "stems" not the sweet fruit?

kiwi leaves,  
Hmmmmm kiwi "leaves" ... never tasted the leaves, but LOVE kiwi FRUIT.

plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,  

Do you mean strings like for a Christmas tree?

pealed coconut orbiting;  

Don't get this one at all.

eggplant night.
[/b]

Otherwise, I think it's a clever poem full of visual goodies!

Blessings,

Dolly   butterfly.gif
 
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AMETHYST
post Mar 3 04, 08:12
Post #3


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Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hi Dove,

Yes, I certainly agree with Dolly that this is both unusual and beautiful. Many of the ingredients that make up this wonderful sunset were a bit odd, such as the stems and not the cherries. At first, as I read I thought I was envisioning a sunrise through sunset, a day in our live and the wonders we don't often get to see.

I especially love "eggplant night" to end this. Let's see what other thoughts I might leave..

I thought you might get more wear of these fruit-filled images if you weaved them into the vision you are presenting to the reader. To blend and mesh them so to speak, as the sky would do with these colors and hues.

Very vivid account and as for the title, I think the title is completely fitting as the body of the poem never really says what it is but the title has offered the scene for the reader.


Best wishes, Liz

QUOTE
Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

some examples would be to omit spoonfuls.
Beginning with
Sugar sprinkled
blueberries
blend banana yellow
from the east
skirting
mandarin slices...


Omitting 'many" and bringing the second stanza up to the first.


Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,

perhaps strawberry spirals

cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,

Cherry stems? Perhaps
we can get the entire cherry in there...

Cherries with stems
touching kiwi leaves


plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

I would love to see these last two lines be joined with the ending, such as:
plum halves
and a last
sliver of peach
to ripen
a pear-shaped day
into an eggplant night.


Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.


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Guest_Dove_*
post Mar 7 04, 17:39
Post #4





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thank you amethyst and athena for peering in here. always appreciate your views.

fixed "splotches" and "stems"

coconut orbitting is supposed to be the moon.

i tried to make it flow better....any opinions?
 
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Eisa
post Mar 7 04, 19:25
Post #5


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Hi Dove wave.gif

A very cleverly thought out poem ... mouthwateringly different ... and I feel your revisions do flow smoother. A pleasure to read.

Snow sun.gif


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Guest__*
post Mar 7 04, 19:55
Post #6





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Dear Dove

Are you still looking for a title ?

What I'm about to offer is something that would suit me, so you might want to run a mile :

FRUIT-SALAD SET

which would combine the sunset and the fruity colors you use to describe it !

Love
Alan
 
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AMETHYST
post Mar 7 04, 20:19
Post #7


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Referred By:Lori Kanter



Oh Dove,

Your revision is lovely. I felt the change at each stanza, with the ending summery line worked wonders. Not a nit to follow, this is a beautiful visionary piece of writing! wink.gif

Best Wishes, Liz


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Siren
post Mar 17 04, 03:17
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Jessica,

There's always a mystical air around your blends. I enjoyed the fruitiness of this. Could almost smell each there.

I think you did well on the revision and the title is much better..

Great work here.

Daniah


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Guest_Don_*
post Apr 3 04, 18:36
Post #9





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Coming to the party late, I'll nit the revision.

Certainly not important because I missed it, but I did miss coconut orbiting = moon.  Seems right after you mention it.  The title missleads me to concentrate on sunshine, etc.; hence reference to a moon seems out of place.

I certainly like the multitude of fruity flavors in a melodic list.  

Line 2: maybe "frosted?

Second to last line: word "that" seems flat.  How about:
peeled coconut in orbit  with singular orbit?

My first impression was waking to a delicious eye opening breakfast.  With moon involved perhaps its  termination of a perfect day.  Throwing a title on the fire: Flavor Right.

Pleasure to read my dear.


Don
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Apr 7 04, 18:42
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Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Jessica!  frenchie.gif

I'm always late! I was thinking about your title, and I almost wondered if 'Fruited Horizons' would be a more fitting title, because in this context, you could be writing about sunrise and/or sunsets from an orbiter perspective? I also got a bit itchy with the opening stanza: the word 'spoonfuls'. Perhaps a change to 'sprinkles or dustings? I also keep reading 'frost' as frosted, and am expecting some sort of action to follow side? I have a suggestion there to take or toss as follows:

Sprinkles of sugared blueberries
serenade interludes of
banana trajectories. **This may be WAY beyond, I am only referencing some 'horizon images' as a suggestion.

Many Copious
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.
****Awesome! My favorite stanza!

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

Well done! Your imagery in comparison to a fruit salad really work well here!
Cheers!
~Cleo  sun.gif


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