A Rose-Bud Glimpsed On Morning Walk, Kyrielle ~ (Slight revisions made) Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

A ROSE-BUD GLIMPSED ON MORNING WALK ~ KYRIELLE
This was inspired by "A Rose-Bud By My Early Walk" by Robert Burns.  

http://www.robertburns.org/works/193.shtml

Her queenly grace unfolds in June,
outshining even brightest moon.
She greets her court in floral frock,
a rose-bud glimpsed on morning walk.

By dawn her crimson beauty spread,
still dripping rich with dewy head;
deep ruby grown in garden rock,
a rose-bud glimpsed on morning walk.

Her lush attire is petal-soft
and nature's pride holds gem aloft
to shadow blooms who think to mock
a rose-bud glimpsed on morning walk.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright June2005

S1 L1 &2 were: Her gracefulness unfolds in June,
a queen more glowing than full moon.
S1L2 - outshining e'en the brightest moon

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

A lovely poem with wonderful imagery about my favourite flower.  I did enjoy reading it.

Thanks

Nina

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, Cathy.  I see you've tweaked this a bit more, and I like it, though I'm still not sure of the opening.

Perhaps something LIKE this to make the second line feel a bit more natural:

Her Queen's gracefulness unfolds in June,
a queen more glowing than full winter moon.  

Whatcha think?

seeing de Light in this, Daniel  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Cathy, is it sacriledge if I say I prefer your poem to the Burns?

Beautiful, thanks.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

I agree with Fran, I also much prefer it to the Burns one.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

The rose was my father's favorite flower and it's quickly
becoming mine.  They are hard to take care of properly
though!  *smiles*

Thanks for reading,
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Daniel!

Yes, I've worked on it a bit.  I will think about your suggestion,
I'm not sure I want to use "winter" moon though.  That seems
weak and pale to me.  Maybe "summer" moon to show its color
and warmth?

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Fran,

Wow, what a compliment!  Thank you much!!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey again Nina!

LOL  Two of you?  Thank you!  I do appreciate the compliment!

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

Hey Daniel!

Yes, I've worked on it a bit.  I will think about your suggestion,
I'm not sure I want to use "winter" moon though.  That seems
weak and pale to me.  Maybe "summer" moon to show its color
and warmth?

Cathy

hmmm hadn't thought of it that way, so you could be right.  I guess I was thinking that it looked bright and crisp in the winter, but frankly, now I just can't remember.  I can't seem to remember much of anything these days!

tryin' to keep the Light on, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Good morning Daniel!

Maybe it's the word "winter" itself that implies weak and pale
to me, I don't know.  Everything is either all white or it's drab
and lifeless in the winter and that's not the image I want to
evoke.  Oh I know winter has its beauty too but for some
reason it doesn't work here for me.  *smile*  Maybe it's a
problem with me!  LOL  I will work with it and see what happens!

Cathy :block:

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
You've sired (I suppose I've misused the word) a really brilliant piece, brilliant as the full moon at midnight!
I'd not change your polished piece. Be aware, however, that the path of the moon in summer is closer to the horizon and and must penetrate more humidity. On a cold mid-winter's night the moon rides high and the air is dry and more light gets through.
As I read the above piece, it does exactly what poetry is best in doing, it promotes in me the "thanks", Nature deserves.
Nicely done and cheers,     Ron,    jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron!

This is very high praise IMO and I thank you very much!
It may just well be the only piece I've written that I feel
so completely satisfied with.

Thanks for reading!
Cathy

[Cybele]

Good morning Cathy,

Firstly, let me say I congratulate you on being able to not only read Burns, but to understand the language! There are many people over this side of the pond who would have great trouble comprehending his Ayrshire dialect ~ so well done.

I join Nina and Fran in saying that I too find your poem far more romantic than the original.

There is only one tiny point I would like to make and this is just a matter of preference Cathy;

Her queenly grace unfolds in June,
outshining e'en the brightest moon.

The use of the word 'e'en' harkens back to an earlier era of poetry and I think it just slightly weakens your lovely work. Contractions are never attractive in poetry IMHO, and here it seems to be a slight bow to Burns. You don't need to do that Cathy. Although his poem inspired you, many, many poets use the same theme over and over again.

If you change this one word you can dissociate yourself from that work entirely. Using the full word 'even' (which can be read aloud as one syllable) is perfectly possible without spoiling your rhythm. If you read it aloud you will see what I mean.

Just a thought Cathy. Thank you for the lovey read.  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy!

I echo Grace - I think putting the word 'even' in there would be perfectly fine..

This is a very lovely piece - with a smart rhythm and soft meter....

A polished piece which

Enjoyed the walk!

~Cleo :)

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
High praise was intended!
It is interesting to me from the presentation point of view how your beautiful poetic piece as a whole, can be brought to focussing on e'en vs. even.
Although I freely use contractions and generally prefer them to using the entire word, my take here is 50-50. In my personal priorities, I usually rank flow first. In your piece, I believe e'en and even both fit the flow without a bump and so, for me it would come to my intent.
To please me, were it mine, I'd stick with e'en. To please the reader, assuming I believe more readers have now been taught that contractions detract from poetry, I'd use even. However, as my quest is to promote the poetry and poetic style of yore, where poetry and prose were more distinctly separate, I would use e'en.

I suspect the modern approach which looks askance at contractions, inversions, biblical pronouns, etc. came from the freeing up of the restrictions metre and rhyme imposed. With free verse, who would need those poetic ploys? But if one writes using metre and rhyme,
why should he be restricted from those ploys?

One last thought. You are paying a tribute to Burns and his poem and "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".
Cheers,     Ron    jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace!

The use of the word 'e'en' harkens back to an earlier era of poetry and I think it just slightly weakens your lovely work. Contractions are never attractive in poetry IMHO, and here it seems to be a slight bow to Burns. You don't need to do that Cathy. Although his poem inspired you, many, many poets use the same theme over and over again.

I like the sound of "old-world" words for the most part and like to
use them on occasion.  I will think about what you've said and see
where it takes me.  

Thanks for your much-valued opinion!
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Good morning Lori!

I echo Grace - I think putting the word 'even' in there would be perfectly fine..

This is a very lovely piece - with a smart rhythm and soft meter....

Thank you!  As I told Grace, I will think about what she said.  *smiles*

Thank you for dropping in and I'm glad you enjoyed the walk!
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron!

To please the reader, assuming I believe more readers have now been taught that contractions detract from poetry, I'd use even. However, as my quest is to promote the poetry and poetic style of yore, where poetry and prose were more distinctly separate, I would use e'en.

IMO you can't be overly-concerned with trying to please all readers
because that would be simply impossible.  After all, you can't please everyone.
I believe that my poems should be an extension of myself, who I am, and what I think and feel, or even what I "imagine" others might think or feel.  If I can please someone with that, that's great.  If I can't then I'm sorry. Maybe I'm wrong ...

Thank you for your input,
Cathy