Reap What You Sow, working on rhyme & meter Options

[merle]

When my mother looked at me
her smile was wide but I could see
it didn't graze her eyes.

Much easier to bury seeds
beyond the rake of therapy
than ever question why.

When my daughter looks at me
my smile is wide but can she see
it doesn't graze my eyes.

[Alan]

Dear Merle,

This is very sad. Therapy has a lot to answer for. Sometimes it brings up value, but mostly jst stirs up.

Do you mean graCe rather than graZe ?

Love
Alan

[Mary Boren]

Merle (or may I call you by your real name?)

You've got the rhyme and meter, not to mention metaphor. down pat. The only thing I can find wrong with this poem is that there's not enough of it!

I'm thoroughly wowed by "bury seeds beyond the rake of therapy." Ah, that is the stuff of poetry -- rich and memorable. I agree with Alan's assessment of the dubious benefits of therapy, but as for graze, I say it's precisely the right word to complement the aura of mystery here.

I'm not buying that third stanza, though, assuming this is autobiographical. You're far too self-aware to exhibit a pasted-on smile for your child. Either way (i.e., whether or not the "I" is you), what would you think about "my smile is wide and she can see it doesn't glaze my eyes" for a snap-shut conclusion to catapult our heroine out of that endless loop? Yeah, I know, that totally changes the meaning, but I'm just a cockeyed optimist and a sucker for wordplay.

Mary

[merle]

Hi Alan & Mary - Sorry for the delay in my reply. I'm trying to tackle one of the challenges and its kept me away.

Alan - I did intend to use the word 'graze' but now all I can think of are cows on a hillside chewing cud. 'Grace' is a good word, I'll give it some thought.

Mary - I like your optimisim! By all means call me Robin. I'll probably keep the 'loop' but make some changes to the final stanza. This one is definitely under construction.

Thank you both!

[Alan]

Dear Merle,

Here are the defs of graze from Rhymezone :

Definitions of graze:

* noun: the act of grazing
* noun: a superficial abrasion
* verb: scrape gently

Example: "Graze the skin"

* verb: break the skin (of a body part) by scraping

Example: "She was grazed by the stray bullet"

* verb: eat lightly, try different dishes
* verb: let feed in a field or pasture or meadow
* verb: feed as in a meadow or pasture

As a poet you do not have to stick exactly yo defs, you can expand meanings as you wish !

Love
Alan

[merle]

Hi Alan -

Yep, those are the definitions. lol I used 'graze' in the context of a smile not scraping the eyes.

[Sekhmet]

Hi Merle - Graze is good for me.
Graze can also mean, to make a slight connection so, without that connection, your smile will just pass across your features, without touching your eyes. In England we specialize in that smile.
Leo

[merle]

Ah! Interesting how one word works for one person and not another, all a matter of taste I suppose.
Why the no-smile, smile in England, Leo? Class system?

Robin

[Sekhmet]

Hi Merle - The Brit Class System? In this case, not necessarily. Although many of our aristocrats are experts at the cold smile. 'It keeps the lower orders in their place you know.'
On their lips, it is the rapier not the broadsword.
I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said, "A Gentleman is never unintentionally rude."

A short digression about the quirks and emotional tics harboured by we Brits.
England has, since the thirteenth century, been described by her enemies as, 'Perfidious Albion.' Perfidious = faithless; treacherous; deceitful; and Albion = the oldest known name for the British Isles.
To some extent, this description is justified. Even now, we have a strong tendency to put expediency or politeness, ahead of plain speaking. We wrap up our meanings, for fear of, ' Making a scene.'
We Brits are an aggressive race, yet strangely evasive about personal things - That polite smile; the one that doesn't quite reach the eyes is a speciality, 'put down'.
It goes with phrases like; 'You must come for supper - sometime.' That, 'sometime' is the give away. If someone doesn't say, 'Come for supper, next Wednesday, at 7.00.' They mean, 'I never want to see you again!'
The smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes is used, for example, when someone - possibly, 'The Boss' tells a really offensive, sexist joke - that icy smile would be his secretary's response.
It is our way of rejecting - without saying anything out of place.
Of course the forgoing is just a generalization - there are many non devious, open and emotionally honest folk in England - but there is usually an element of obfuscation in the English psyche.
Hugs, Leo

[merle]

Oh dear me...I don't think I'll be traveling to England anytime soon. lol

[Larry]

Hi Merle,

Not being an expert on meter or rhyme, I can only pass along a few suggestions which come to mind when reading "Reap What You Sow". In S1, L1 & 2 are metrically uneven.
Perhaps:

Whenever mother looked at me
her smile was wide but I could see
it didn't graze her eyes. I love the word "graze" as in... "It was close but didn't touch!"

In S2, the word "bury" denotes a lot of work and would not be easier. Would you consider my suggestion of using "scatter" or even "sow the" instead? In S2/L3 you can fix the rhyme of "eyes/why" if you would wish to change L3 to read: than question hows or whys

Much easier to scatter seeds
beyond the rake of therapy Not really enamored with the "seeds/therapy" rhyme either but have nothing in mind which might help.
than question hows or whys.

In S3, L1 & 2 are also metrically uneven. Maybe add "Now" at the beginning and make each line tetra; this would also bring the line from some time in the past to what is happening presently.

Now when my daughter looks at me
my smile is wide but can she see
it doesn't graze my eyes.

I love the nearly palpable feelings of being in a vicious psychological circle not of one's on making. I hope this is not a "self portrait" kind of poem.

As with any suggestion, you may utilize the cafeteria style of selection. Take or toss it all.

Larry

p.s. to Leo; Might the non-smile be due to a "stiff upper lip?"

[merle]

Hi Larry -

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll keep them in mind.

Robin