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The Present (Revised), 11/14 X10 Challenge Response |
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Nov 22 09, 08:12
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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"We are human beings, not human doings." -Neale Donald Walsch
The Present
I questioned life at every turn, compelled by acts and deeds to earn a starring role in mine. Control tenaciously eluded me.
In time I found a stepping stone beyond the ego's comfort zone. It marks the way from yesterday into the realm of now, to be.
No longer tossed by whims of fate, I join the will to co-create a vibrant here devoid of fear that thrives on peace and unity.
The present is a lavish gift. It comes with hands to gently sift the wheat from chaff. Surrender, laugh, forgive, and live abundantly.
--------------------------------------------- Original version w/ x10 challenge words in bold. ---------------------------------------------
I questioned Life at every turn and wondered if I'd ever earn a starring role. Then, bless my soul, elucidation dawned on me.
Beyond the ego's comfort zone, there lies a polished stepping stone that quells disputes, connecting roots within the human family tree.
No longer tossed by whims of fate, I claim the power to co-create my twilight years, dissolving fears and memories. No do, just be.
Accept the Present as a gift to free us from the past, to sift the wheat from chaff. Divide by half and share this winning recipe.
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Nov 22 09, 12:16
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Okay, I won't wait for someone else to say it -- those challenge words stuck out like sore thumbs in the original. I think I was trying too hard to not to let them lead me into a poem about Christmas. But at least the X10 shook something loose. The AABBC rhyme scheme was inspired (somewhat) by Leo & Steve's AABBA experiment. Revision posted.
Mary
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Nov 22 09, 14:22
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Posts: 3,446
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From: UK
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Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
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Dear Mary,
I though the original challenge was pretty good, and if the words stuck out, the bold may have had quite a lot to do with it !
The revision is great ! Most unusual pattern, actuall very limerick-like. except the final line rhymes.
And some good solid thinking matter on display too.
This is exactly why I have promoted X10 type challenges for years - they can lead you to some amazing poems. Some poo-poo them as not being "muse"-driven. Rubbish, a set of words can set one off just like anything else.
Love Alan
Love Alan
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Nov 22 09, 15:44
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Trubble is, I don't get out often. I'll need to look for the challenges. I get lost when there are TOO many forums to cruise around in.
I enjoy the challenges and do them on another site. Generally I try to do different interpretations with the same set, that is, different form styles including completely different thoughts. Even if that's not possible due to word choice, variety is interesting.
I did read the first posting and wasn't bothered by the words. It may be different if you are aware of them.
Yup, limerick was what I first thot.
Merlin
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Nov 22 09, 16:26
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Thanks much, Alan. Pleased to meet you. Heh, those words weren't so emboldened when I first posted, but I just couldn't leave it alone. After revising before anyone commented, I could have just deleted the original and any reference to the X10, but I wanted to leave it as a reminder to self to exercise regularly. Merlin, I found that weekly challenge forum here. I guess we're about due for another one, so I'll be watching, and hoping you'll show up for it. Yes, this jaunty little rhyme scheme and metrical pattern would probably be better suited to frivolity, but sometimes "think pieces" (jgd's term) go down easier disguised as light. Mary
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Nov 22 09, 20:33
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Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site
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Hi Mary -
I read the original poem and before I could respond, you revised it! I'm pleased you kept the first one posted. I enjoy watching the creative process unfold. Your revision is a smooth ride whereas the first one became a little preachy in the last stanza. Even the title, The Present, with its double meaning, is a fine example of how poetry should read. I feel I will learn a great deal from your writing.
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Nov 22 09, 23:50
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
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Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Thanks very much for the kind words, Merle. I'm here to learn too.
Mary
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Nov 23 09, 02:02
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From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
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Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all
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Good Mary - I enjoyed your first version - but what a good revision! Oh how I agree with your wish not to be lured into writing yet another a Christmas Poem. Too reminiscent of school days! By this time of year, we are all, 'up to here' with the Feast of St Salesman. I don't care if we never see a Christmas Verse again! It is great to find you here in the Challenge Forum - you are an expert at writing the unexpected - and very crafty, (in both meanings of the word) at burying those ten Challenge Words. I would prefer you not to give the game away by showing them to us in bold print - rather, let us have the pleasure of trying to spot them; and if you can sneak them past us without us mentally crying, 'Ah-Ha!' Then you have won! Leo
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Guest_Lone Wolf_*
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Nov 23 09, 09:48
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Guest
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As always Mary, you amaze me. I think that you will never write anything that I don't like. What more can I say? Brent
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Nov 23 09, 11:15
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
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From: Texas Hill Country
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Real Name: Mary Boren
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Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Feast of St. Salesman You tickle me, Leo. Thanks for the vote of approval on this. I have unbolded those words the treasure hunt in perpetuity. Brent! You darling man, I am so glad to see you here. C'mon and play now. Mary
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Nov 23 09, 12:21
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Group: Platinum Member
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From: Connecticut
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Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Mary, Again you've sparked my remaining gray cells! I suppose if I'm not the only one here whose goal is a smile rather than a feeling of mastery and or elation...but I'm probably the one most so directed. From my approach, I must see the 10 challenge words and will judge the piece by how adroitly they are embedded. True, if they are not IDed and I can't suspect which they are, I'd judge the piece as masterful but fail the smile test. Perhaps we all would be pleased if there's a link to the words. Cheers, Ron jgdittier
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Nov 24 09, 15:23
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Thank you, Ron. Here's a link to the words for you: Clickety-Click
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Nov 24 09, 15:46
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Group: Gold Member
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From: South Africa
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Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Super stuff Mary, Nifty rhythm and word-work which is of course your trademark. The enjambment is S1 grated for me though the rest was delightful!
Hugz, Wally
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Nov 25 09, 23:20
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Hiya Mary, I dunnit. Followed your link to the place, thereafter posted thus >> Words of the Wizard. Not bad for my first, iffen I say so, what? Merlin
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