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> The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day, X 10 for November 7th bySekhmet
Sekhmet
post Nov 19 09, 04:32
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The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day (1st revision)
Thanks Mary, Allan & Wally




Still they spawn those noble words;
those antique tales, that ancient story;
ringing out in Trojan ears; that
paean for death - or foreign glory.


'Here we stand!' - and - 'Here we fall!'
'They shall not pass !' 'The flag still waves!'
Democracy we'll give Iraq -
consigning thousands to their graves.

Loud, their pledge - 'We won't forget!'
Mouthed by men who never fought.
Heads held high, our young men march,

their youth and vigour brought to naught.

Still great men lay their poppy wreath; of
blood-soaked flowers, to hide beneath
.





Still they spawn those noble words.
That antique tale ; that ancient story.
It rang out in the ears of Troy;
a peon to death - or foreign glory.


'Here we stand, and here we fall!'
'They shall not pass!' A flag to wave.
Freedom and peace we'll give Iraq;
yet send ten thousand to their grave.

And now, their pledge - 'We won't forget!'

Mouthed by men who never fought.
With heads held high, the young men go;
their youth and vigour brought to naught.


Still great men lay their poppy wreath,
with arrogance beyond belief.

10 Challenge Words used: Peace/freedom/noble/ grave/held/stand/wave/foreign/defend/glory


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Sekhmet
post Nov 19 09, 04:35
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I was moved to climb back onto my soapbox, by the sight of our Political Leaders - few if any of whom have seen active service, laying their poppy wreaths at the Cenotaph.
It is always the men and, yes, the women, who have never taken part in, nor even witnessed the terrible reality of all-out warfare; who put their signatures to the documents sending our young people to their deaths.
Then they mouth those trite phrases about, 'Our Heroes, who will Never be Forgotten'. I wonder if they could name ten of the hundreds of dead soldiers?
I would like to see a few of our Great Leaders spend some days on the front line in Iraq and Afghanistan; let them walk the dust roads where the improvised explosive devices might, or might not be buried.
Then let them go home, and say that they have done everything they can.
Leo


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Alan
post Nov 19 09, 04:42
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Dear Leo,

Excellent. There might be a coupla nits, but I have to go out.

Your last line could be so much more biting :

Politician lays his poppy wreath,
a comfort blanket to hide beneath .....

Feel free to entirely ignore !

Love
Alan


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Thoth
post Nov 19 09, 14:22
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Dear Leo,
A fine sonnet and worthy.
I wish I could pour them out the way you apparently do! This one could polish up to be a gem.

I am sitting in my hospital bed with my laptop and still in a lot of pain in spite of the drugs.
(Its ok if I keep still)
I will think about it and return tomorrow with some suggestions.

Hugz

Wally


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Mary Boren
post Nov 19 09, 15:09
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Hi Leo,

Hear-hear! My sentiments exactly.

I think this has a lot of potential for a first draft. Challenge words can be helpful to get you going on a topic, but there's no law that says some of them can't be replaced in the revision process. I say this because the poem has a small-word/article-heavy choppy feel. The staccato effect may be your intent, but I think your lines could benefit greatly by exchanging some of them thar the's and that's with some zippy polysyllabics.

Um, I've never seen paean spelled that way -- is yours the French version of the word? In Texas peon has an entirely different meaning. unsure.gif

It rang out in the ears of Troy;

While this is the line that most appeals to me, your story/glory rhyme pair is weakened by the closeness in sound of Troy. It's close enough, in fact, to count for slant rhyme. Also, "spawn" is not quite what people do with words. I'd rather see you move this line up a notch and ditch the current L2. For example:

Still mouthing ancient, noble words
that rang out in the ears of Troy,
the Lords of War in somber tones
present their paean to death and glory.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not suggesting you use this. No, it has to be your expression. I'm just putting out an idea that might shake something stronger loose if you don't feel bound to those challenge words.

Yikes, the inversion in S2/L3 stops me cold. (You've mentioned that you're still learning poetry terms, so if this one stumps you let me know and I'll come back and explain. I just don't want to talk down to anyone.)

I agree that the couplet could be strengthened. If you've done your job in showing the arrogance of these men (and women), then you don't need to tell it.

Hope I've offered something helpful.

Mary
















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Mary Sullivan Boren
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"There is in all things - a hidden wholeness." -Thomas Merton

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Sekhmet
post Nov 23 09, 02:24
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Good morning, Wally.
I am so sorry not to have replied sooner - I simply posted these verses, and forgot about them.
This is a busy time of year, as you all know; but it is especially busy if you are living away from your native country - all those friends and family members to be contacted, each expecting a festive word, !
I am so touched that you actually took the trouble to write from your hospital bed! I do hope that the drugs are beginning to dull the pain - although from what I know of hospitals - they do take a sadistic delight in getting you up and moving long before your body wants to budge! Thank you for your comments - I'll take it away and re-work it a little - see what a good buffing with a chamois leather can do.
Hugz - Leo


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Sekhmet
post Nov 23 09, 03:08
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Good morning Mary - Your time and trouble in analysing my verses are much appreciated. Having come back to this poem after a few days - I see exactly what you mean. I'll use your comments to take another look, and will certainly get rid of some of those small words – maybe go for more vitriol!
I did fully intend to use the word 'spawn', to describe my disgust for the slimy weasel words regularly pouring out from the mouths of our Politicians.

They hope that their slippery words will serve to promulgate, and give credibility to, their hypocritical attitudes about the horrifying loss of life caused by their own dictates; attitudes similar to those held by many generations of self-seeking Politicians.

Thanks for you comments –

Leo



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Sekhmet
post Nov 23 09, 03:15
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Good morning Alan - Thank you for your suggestion; I just might take you up on that one! I have been prompted to do a re-write - so watch this space. That's what I love about MM - we can expect, and learn from, an honest crit - one which will help to bring a poem to a pleasing conclusion.
Thanks for your input,
Leo


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Sekhmet
post Nov 23 09, 04:07
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Hi Mary!

QUOTE
Yikes, the inversion in S2/L3 stops me cold. (You've mentioned that you're still learning poetry terms, so if this one stumps you let me know and I'll come back and explain. I just don't want to talk down to anyone.)


Talk down to me!
Per- leease!
What's an inversion Mommy?
It's a rather duff line I know, but I didn't know it was inverted... is it fatal?
Help - Leo


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Mary Boren
post Nov 23 09, 11:04
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QUOTE
What's an inversion Mommy?
Ha! Okay, sweetie, let me just fasten your bib and then I will tell you a tale of Yoda-speak. Love I you.

Inverted speech is simply backwards-talking. It is common in ye olde verse because people actually talked thataway, but today it generally signals a lazy poet twisting syntax to achieve a convenient rhyme. That is clearly not the case here, because you could just as easily have said, "We'll give Iraq democracy" without disturbing your rhyme scheme, so I'm guessing you were aiming for a loftier tone with it. I have seen instances where inversion is used to good effect, but this is not one of them. It is a specialized tool that should come out of the box only rarely into the hands of a highly trained technician.

Quoting Judie Peet, a dearly beloved departed poet friend known to some here for her passion and unfailing patience in mentoring budding poets, "There is always another way to say a thing." There is much to be gleaned from her archived challenge threads, even yet.

You found another way in S1 to the improvement of the poem. I suggest you move S1/L3's "that" and the couplet's "of" to the lines below, and rethink all those hyphens. I'm a little bothered by the image of them hiding beneath the wreaths -- behind, maybe, but then you must choose whether to sacrifice sense for sound. Would you consider "blood-soaked blooms" for alliteration as well as meter?

I'm reassured by your return to this, as I was wondering if my critique was too blunt.

Mary


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Mary Sullivan Boren
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"There is in all things - a hidden wholeness." -Thomas Merton

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Sekhmet
post Nov 30 09, 03:02
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Good morning Mary - I am covered in guilt because I didn't reply to your helpful advice. I am, as are we all, incredibly busy in the run up to Christmas. We live in France, and a whole gaggle of English friends have decided that they would like to cross the English Channel to spend Christmas with us. The whole house is in uproar, as I reallocate, beds and sofas to fit in with the sleeping arrangements of elderly friends. And, of course, they are also looking forward to home-cooked, French Cuisine.
I'll be back post- Crimpers - to sort the poem out.
Thanks for your comments - and no, they were just fine. I believe strongly in honest opinion - and can dish it out with the best of them, myself!
I hope you have a great Christmas Holiday -
Hugs, Leo


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